My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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I am sitting on the porch right now with my DH and my dogs and the breeze and sunshine. I may not be old and gray yet. But I am still sitting on the porch. I looked over at him and he smiles and says. I love you baby. My heart just oozes out the side of my chest and my smile turned right into happy tears. I said, We are sitting on our porch. That was one of my saddest moments. He said we will sit here every weekend morning together. From now on. I never knew that was one of the issues you were dealing with. Let's not wait to sit together. We will enjoy it more now anyway, because we can still get up to get our own drinks. We won't have to play Rock Paper Scissors to see who the sucker is to have to get up lol. We just sat and laughed. His laugh is like music to my ears, I don't know how I'll never be able tohear it again. My heart just can't take it. But over all this weekend has been lovely. He made smoked ribs and a roast for me because my mouth hurts from meds. So something soft it is!!! He says. I love him sooo very much. I hope everyone is loving on their DHs also!! Such precious creatures. Hugs!~M~
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jfl....i'm so sorry that you even have to contemplate leaving your little one....the hardest goodbye of all is to the little ones....they just dont understand, and neither do i....i'm so sorry if my sense of humor struck you the wrong way....i would do absolutely anything to stay with my loved ones another day.....being dx at what should be the happiest time in your life must be pure hell, and my heart is breaking for you...i think my first priority would be to my child and wanting to make sure that they are loved and cared for...i think we feel that way about all our loves that we leave behind, i would want them to be loved as much as i love them(oh especially the little ones)...my father was not loved that way after my mom died(he didnt know it until he really needed her) and it left him a broken man....i pray that you have many more years with your two true loves (take lots of video) i know that even if you are to little to remember many details, you will always remember how much you are loved,(have you thought about writing out 20 birthday and christmas cards? my daughter is 25 so i have started a journal for her, my grandbaby is 4 so i think she will get hers when shes 13 when things will make more sense), thats the only way i can think of to be there even if its only on paper....i know that our loves will always hold us in a special place in their heart and i feel what you are saying that if we want them to be truly happy then we need to let them go and find something of what they lost when they lost us....thank you for showing me this.....but i will still come haunt you if you dont love them right lol....jfl, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers....and i really wish we could all go to that pub with micmel and leave all our troubles outside.....STUPID CANCER!!.....big hugs to all my cyber sisters , i'm so thankful that you are here to listen and understand....no one else does
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JFL, my heart breaks for you. I lost a dear friend 6 years ago, all she wanted to do was to live long enough for her son to remember her. That was her one wish.
BC sucks, but it seems even more unfair when it's mothers with little ones or those with special needs children. I cannot imagine the fear and pain that must bring you.
((hugs))
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JFL~ I am sitting here with yet another round of tears running down my face. Yes effing cancer once again, that back breaking heart crushing asshole that doesn't research the lives of those he destroys. I have nothing but sorrow thinking of your heart and how that must feel with such a young child. It makes me so damned mad. You fight, with everything you have, you just do it. That little precious baby WILL be the reason you are going to be one of the ten to twenty+ year survivors that we read about. Yes you are. Here come my prayers so get ready! Huge hugs to you sweet woman. Huge hugs ~M~
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another week here we are. Since I read a lot of threads, I realize that finding your one love is exceptionally a beautiful thing. I know and am realizing more and more, that there are also A lot of jerks out there. I don't forget that. I had one for 11 years that I married as well. So I am sending some prayers to those who have had the challenge of this beast cancer, and dealing with someone close to you and your life,that hasn't been supportive or helpful with your cancer diagnosis, to those men. I say. Wake up please. You will regret your behavior and it just might be too late. Wake up people! Hugs everyone ~M~
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~M~ .... i'm sorry to say that youre wasting your breath on these superficial people....for one thing they dont care enough to read any info on it so that for sure includes this site.....they are to self absorbed , fair weather friends , and only respond positively when someone mistakenly thinks that they are giving "all they have"into caring for their sick loved one....if they only knew how embarrrassed these people are to be seen with you in all your "just hatched bird(no fluffy down)" glory.....thats how i look right now,naked puffy eyes with some pin feathers lol....so anyway what i mean to say is we are not all lucky enough to marry our true great love or soul mate but that doesnt mean that they are not in our lives, they could be anyone from a aunt, uncle, sister , brother parent , or friend, or even a child or grandchild, they could be with us a day, a month , a year , or a life time(think about this)....the important thing is they touched our soul and connected in a way with us that we can only call true love because what ever happened has stayed with us and always makes us feel better when we think of it/them....it is so sad that the world is so full of this kind of selfish person (reality tv is creating a whole gen of them): i was unfortunate enough to learn this young (if you dont look good you wont make me look good) my husband was a breath of fresh air for me......keep shining that beautiful light from within my dear cyber friends
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I have a doosey of a bug 🐜! Like knock me on my rear end sick. Stomach issues, headaches, chills, sweating worse than the normal crap sweats. Which already make me feel like I've showered again. My taste buds are shot. I mean the chemo has destroyed them, I don't like anything anymore. But taking a boat load of medicine on an empty stomach is awful. So here i sit in my hospital bed, because my mattress Is like sleeping on a slab of concrete for my lymphedema, and this gel mattress curves to it. It's the only thing I can sleep in. So much has changed since this cancer shit. My poor DH is a precious angel. I don't know what I would do without such love in my life.
Nan~ I always feel like some people are just out right mean. I made this thread to celebrate every happiness and every relationship that makes anyone happy. I am sick of negativity and anger all the time. When I need to rant I'll rant lol if you need to rant, please rant! Anyone let it out, but at the end of the day I hope it's love that keeps us fighting! I want this to be like us sitting together, talking about our families and our lives. No matter what form that love or life takes. I myself have a shitty family so that does nothing for me. I am envious of that kind of love and affection, I have never had that. But I would never be slighted from someone who had! They are lucky but in a different way! Hugs to you Nan. ~M~
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Nan, Freya and Micmel, thanks for the kind words!!!
Micmel, I must say, I had to reach out and touch the screen when I saw that insect (ant?) in your post. It seemed 3-D ish and I needed to make sure it was not real! Maybe I am just tired and it is late, which is not helping.
I agree with some of the prior posts that it is incredible and humbling to hear the stories of such strong love, admiration and companionship with spouses in this thread. It is usually only the divorce and bad stuff that makes the headlines.
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ugh! Now I gave the bug 🐜 to DH and DD, all of us are down for the count. Yuck! I have changed clothing three times during the night. Awful!! My poor DH takes care of me and then gets it himself. Dizzy, headache, chills. Be warned peeps it's out there. I am certain that dogs know when people are ill. My one dog always wants to lay with me on the side that I have my bone mets in. He always is very aware of how I am feeling by the tone of my voice. They really are very smart creatures. My dogs areanother thing that brings me happiness. They don't care that the cancer medicines pack weight on you like a donkey carrying its load. They don't care that your fingernails are discolored, or you have no hair. Mine is growing back like wild fire. And I am pleased but....(there is always a but huh?). It used to be half way down my back. Now not so much. My beauty is lost. This cancer has aged me. Will I ever resemble who I once was. ? Then there is DH saying to me. "I honestly don't mind. I think you're beautiful no matter what, I just want you. That's all I want". Here come the tears again. Screw you cancer you're messing up lives and families here. So you bug 🐜 🐜 off!!!! Hugs for all ~M~
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Oh M, I'm so sorry you and your family have this...I wish I could help somehow. Ok, throw phantom and pink Floyd out, maybe some nice soft jazz. Thinking of you and your family. Had the bug when we were in NC taking care of18mo gs. Thought I was going to end up in ER, but I made it through. The shaking was horrible and could not get warm, then break out in cold 😓. Imagine we are all sitting here with you and holding your ✋.
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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Claudia~ I don't know how you could manage to take care of someone else with this awful bug. My stomach is so raw. Can't get out of bed. It been almost two full days. Yuck! Also icky head ache! So dizzy!!Problem is I can't tell what is cancer aches or what is sickness aches!! I miss who I used to be. Love is strong. But I am scared cancer is stronger. Every ache always makes me worry, 😰Is this more? What was that pain? It's all sometimes too much to take. I want to stick my head in the sand and search for who I used to be. Hugs ~M~
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I am gathering all
The love stories I can here. Family's love. Partners love, mother, fathers, husbands, bff, you name it. I want these love stories and support of care givers to be remembered and always have a place to live! So much love to hear about. Please share ! Hugs to all. ~M~
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hi M.....i would like to find my old old self too, this stupid C has aged me beyond belief ...i dont think i left me in the sand but i would like to put my toes and ass in the sand right about now....I couldnt even walk down the beach with DH at this point.....oh well, thats why they made dune buggys , lol ...please feel better soon....ps. when my taste buds got shot the only thing that tasted like it was supposed to were pickles do you like pickles (homemade ones especially)? even icecream tasted like some wierd metal....sorry youre going thru that
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Nan~ I somehow have the feeling we are a lot alike. I love the beach too and often wonder if I'll ever even see it again. My DH and I always wanted to take that trip together. But we always said we save money now for the kids college, then we travel. Didn't even see this coming, never imagined, there would ever be a chance that he would be going with someone else. Even just typing that makes me cry. Like NO! That's my fuc*ing husband. Makes me so infuriated! I just want it to go away. I just want to hear, it's gone!! I hope you get to ride in the dune Buggy, sounds fun. I am not sure my Skeleton could take all the bobbling around though. I only have a few mets but they do hurt from time to time. We all need freedom from this disease and physical awfulness and emotional trauma. Freedom!!! No more cancer! Repeat,no more cancer!
I want to say a prayer for our Senator And war hero John McCain and his beautiful family, I hate hearing of cancer period anymore. There is just too much of it. May god helpHim through this path of cancer and give him and his family the strength everyone of us needs to battle this asshole of a disease. I am keeping them all close in prayer. Right along with all of you MBC sisters here. Big hugs. ~M~
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There once was a woman who would jump out of bed and decide our was a good day too ride her 🐎. So she would call horsey friends and put together a day ride. She would also decide the weekend would be great for camping and trail riding. Again, more phone calls and a camping they would go. I miss her!
A friend asked the other day, if I had ridden that week, I said no. In this heat, I would get my horse all tracked up and then have to go lay down awhile.
We are planning a trip to Big South Fork in October, something we have been trying to do for10 years. I so hope we can make it!
Ok, no more negativity. I sure am enjoying our new pool! I love swimming and when I get tired I just float. Great way to take weight off pressure points! Any others who can float with no aids? Also found when back hurts to sit in zero gravity chair! What a relief !
I sure hope you are feeling better M. Your husband and dd also. No fun having everyone ill.
I love the beach also. The 3 of us should load up my Jeep and run over for a day! It's about 40 minutes from here and we can drive the Jeep on the beach to where we want to set up. So no schlepping stuff through parking lot to beach! Picture it!
Hugs and prayers everyone
Claudia
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Gm everyone, still feeling yucky. But I need everyone to help me say some prayers for some beautiful MBC ladies. Dianarose has been in the ER all night with terrible pain and then was sent home,but has to go back it's so bad. Things are looking rough for her. I am terrified. Sitting here in tears filled with anxiety and worry for her. She's precious and one of the closest people to me here on these boards. I'm scared for her. I have come to love her.
The other dear lovely friend that holds some of my heart is Gracie. She hasn't been around at all and she's having problems as well. I'm deathly scared for my two close friends, please please please pray for them both. They need all the help they can get. I love them both. This is so hard to deal with ! I'm a mess. Sick and worrying
Claudia~ loving the pool action. I grew up with a pool, miss those days , also grew up with two horses. Those were the days. I didn't have cancer then. 😭😞💔. Stay strong ladies. Although sometimes it's just impossible to do. Hugs to all. Prayers to all. 💜To all. ~M~
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finally feeling a little better phew , however, one of my close friends from here is in the hospital and I am a worried person. We go through so much with this battle it scares me to even think of progression. How does one file that into your mind? when you know that everyday you're fighting this beast with everything you have ? only to be told that it has moved? You go through hell and take these medicines that really do nothing that we can see, but make us feel awful, but by taking them, we feel like we have something, some sort of control or sense of feeling like we are doing something to beat it back. I can honestly say, I don't want to suffer. I honestly do not. I have been watching a show called Tyler Henry Hollywood medium, my mom has me hooked, because I need to know something is out there. I need to see ideas and thoughts for myself. This show gives me something that I needed. I have been searching for a way to deal with this fear of leaving my husband. My family. I am scared to death. It's almost to the point of non functioning because everything makes me cry. This person has to be real. He just knows too much. I watched it because I was curious and needed to get some answers someplace. I feel lost at any given time. In any given place or song or thought. My heart is just broken💔. It's all there is too it. I am learning to adore people here. I am realizing that, I could very well have my heart broken in that arena also. I just don't like this anymore. My DH is the air that I breathe, my kids are my part of who I am,my soul, my babies, even thoughthey are 21 and 20 and 16. Loving close beautiful family. This just isn't fair. None of this makes any sense. Since diagnosis I can officially say most of my days have been spent crying in such emotional agony and pain of fear, loss, many surgeries, horrible ones and the unknown. What a shit deal this is. God help us! ~M~
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Happy that I feel a tad better tonight and my good friend is home from the hospital. Phew😰 Not fully what we wanted to happen by any means, but at least she is home! And semi pain free for now at least. Today was hot hot hot, I feel Like I have no energy. No matter how long I sleep, I still feel like a fatigue zombie. I Am finishing my 8 round of ibrance. And I am just achey all over. Every freaking ache and pain worries me. I am so sick of it. I always before just avoided thinking about cancer. I knew I was scared of it, who isn't. I just never dreamed I would bedealing with this at almost middle age. 😞 Just not fair. I want to excerise like crazy and run like forest gump. This waking up feeling over ten years older than I am. Is for the birds. It's like I hear a clock ticking in my ear. And the beginning of days of our lives. "Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives." Geeze. I watch that everyday. Have for years. Now that is so literal for me. How shitty is that! Peaceful night everyone or anyone. Hugs and prayers. ~M~
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I am slowly coming out of my slug. I feel so tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. Part of me thinks that's ok. Then I don't have time to think. I dream of being who I used to be and my hair is what it used to be. I could go out for day trips and never skip a beat. Not so much anymore. Just too damn tired. I do believe in the fall, it might be easier for me. THis heat kicks my heat flash ass all over the place. I look like I just got done swimming. Never mind that I have nothing to wear ever because I am fatter from this cancer treatment bull shit. I have my third eye staring out at the public (my medicine port). My lymphedema sleeve is also so very sexy. I have to wear it everyday. No matter what. That adds style. Trust me!! My feet hurt so my foot wear leaves a lot to be desired. So all In all, by the time I solve all that crap, I'm too tired. A day in the life of cancer! Have the best day you can. ~M~
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I mean this as respectfully as I can say it, have you thought about anti-depressants? it might make things more manageable, know I wouldn't be good with out mine.
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lol yeah I have tried them and they don't help with emotional turmoil and PTSD. Which is really what I have. I just like to let my emotions out in one place that anyone who reads them may understand. Or even one day may be feeling the way I do. And look here and say yeah she gets it. My clear mind comes and goes, and one thing I realize is that cancer has so many ins and outs that even if a therapist can give you tools to stack in your tool box. if that tool box has come apart the tools just lay all over the place in a mess. That mess has become me. This month has been hard, I was hit with a doosey of a flu bug in my stomach and two weeks before that it was an ugly horrible monster cold sore. Yuck! I have tried antidepressants before and I honestly didn't see any changes. I guess I could ask for another go round. I don't really need anymore pills to take. I take about 13 pills a day. Already. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I appreciate the kind words. Hugs to you !~M~
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dear micmel,....i tried anti depressants too and they made me so forgetful (forget why you're so sad?) ....worse than these brain tumors do...i felt like one of the walking dead....then once my doc thought i had adult ADD(i complained of being a scatter brain) and he gave me some kind of ritilin and i felt like i had been poisoned and passed out on the couch the rest of the day....i have decided to just feel whatever i am feeling and ride its wave, weather happy or sad or anywhere in between....to me thats better than not to feel anything at all....
claudia,....your jeep, the beach, friends who understand......sounds like paradise.....you are so lucky to live so close to the ocean....are you near the gulf or to the east? i miss having a pool but honestly i dont have it in me anymore to maintain it....you must have lots of help but if i had summers like you do and could use it more than 3 months a year, that may be a different story..i'm sure it makes you feel so good...
big hugs all around!!!
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Nan~ I am already in a lot of fog. If it would help me I would try anything. A lot has to do with the heat, it makes me sluggish. I enjoy fall and the cool breeze and the trees. The leaves, The smells, and not sweating every fifteen minutes. I used to love the heat, the beach, the sun, now I can't handle ten minutes. I don't even know if I will ever see the beach again. I just want to go back. To a time to where I wasn't sick. How on earth do I ever process something like that? I try everyday to count my blessings. I honestly do, you guys help tremendously! Hugs to you my friend! ~M~
Claudia~I am in awe of your beach access. If I could walk outside of my house and have a pool it might be a lot easier to keep cool. I miss those days of being cancer care free . I always felt so physically strong always. No matter what I was strong. I want that strength back!! I would love to hop in your jeep and go 🚙 🚙! Hugs ladies
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Hi Ladies, Micmel, glad to hear you are feeling somewhat better after the bug. I don't know what is going on with me, I was awake for all of 3-4 hours yesterday. I am so tired, just cannot stay awake. I hate it, it makes me feel like I am lazy, and that is something I have never been. So frustrating.
My hairdresser and friend called yesterday during one of my awake moments. She is getting divorced and moving into town from their rural property. She has 2 miniature horses, one is 63cm, the other 70cm. They are adorable and behave like the dogs, they come into the house and lay in front of the fire any chance they get.
She asked if I could take them as she needs to rehome them. My first thought was "Oh yes", then reality set in and I realised I would just be making more work for my husband. Still really want them, but I will let my head rule my heart on this one
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Freya~ I would want those little cuties also. Then reality would also kick in and I wouldn't be able to take care of them. I have trouble taking care of my two dogs. I grew up with horses, they can be very expensive to feed and the vet bills only get more expensive the bigger then animal. I hope your friend will find a nice home for the little cuties. I can relate to the fatigue issue. I know that doesn't help my mindset when all I want to do is feel normal again. I slept pretty much all weekend. I am just happy that I am able to just sleep whenever I need to. I can't imagine the weeping I would do if I had to work. I'd probably have a breakdown! Ugh! Hope you feel stronger !!! Hugs ~M~
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micmel.....i was going t ask if you write in a journal to get all these thoughts out then i realized that is just what we are doing and this is so much better cuz our journals give us some great understanding feedback.....way better than plain old pen and paper....someone left a link on a study they are doing on why some women with MBC survive for so long (about time) and one woman said "well, i know i have today and most likely tomorrow, the rest i just dont think about" ....thats my motto with out a doubt....i learned very young that no one is promised tomorrow so if you get up and you can still pour and fix your coffee, everything else is just bonus really....dont get me wrong, a lot in this world really sucks but i feel so ashamed of myself when i feel that way and then i meet or speak with some one who's life sucks worse than mine(i just caught them on a good day).....and you know, i dont think it matters a bit if you are in physical or emotional pain...it all hurts just as bad to the person who is hurting.....oh i wish the hurt would stop just for a few days...months...years....decades...take your pick, i will take any or all of it and im pretty sure we could solve world peace...just us gals with mbc saving the world....come on and try bitching to us about those problems...we'll put that into perspective for you real fast lol....shine just a little bit more... big ((hug))
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Nan~ It's always so very nice to see your name here. I always enjoy reading your words. I am having a really hard month. I am just so tired and depressed. I have been dealing with this diagnosis for 18 months now and it seems like forever. I have no energy and I am useless for things. Every month I take these meds, I live more and more in a fog. I spend a ton of time crying and when I am done crying, I look over at a large bottle of pain pills that have at least 100 in them and actually ponder swallowing the entire bottle and Checking out of all this mental exhaustion and physical pain. The reality is I haven't even begun to feel the terrible pain and I'm already exhausted. One of my closest friends on this board is suffering. She has two blocked kidneys and she has been so sick for the last month. I am so upset with worry about her, but I am also seeing a mirror. I can't help her and I can't help myself, I realize That will Very well end up being me. I don't really want to suffer no I don't. I hate the word cancer, I hate pain, I hate chemo, I hate pink, the only place I get any relief is to sleep. I love my DH and kids. If it weren't for them. I'd be long gone. I know I can't be the only one who has ever felt that way before. Everyday has become a mental and physical challenge with fatigue being the main problem. Every pain I worry about ohh. Is that cancer ? I am just so sick of feeling badly. That I have forgotten what it's like to feel good anymore. It's a faded memory that I'll never get back. You ladies are fabulous and thank you for all the suggestions and words. You're all very important to me. In so many ways ~M~
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Nan812 - I live close to the east coast. I love that I can go to the beach and drive on it. There is no schlepping stuff. That just exhausts me. I honestly don't think I could stand to live any father away than this. Every once in awhile we will take our rv over to a beach campground that has the Atlantic ocean on one side and they intracoastal waterway on the other side. It's great! It's only 45 minutes from our house, but makes a great little getaway. I so love camping with our horses also but not in summer...too hot for them and us!
Micmel - I try everyday to just focus on the good! I think a lot of people have had that thought at one time or another. However, having been raised strict Catholic, not an option. Also, what if I missed something really special like my second grandson , whowas not planned on. I would have never gotten to hold him and laugh with him or watch his face light up when he sees me. Nor would I have been a part of first grandsons life! The little guy who adores his grandfather the way his daddy adored his! We marvel at that all the time!
So many other special things I would have missed! Plus dh and ds would be devastated that I left them before I had to!
There are so many little moments that have brought so much joy I can't imagine having missed any of them!
Dh poured our pool deck today, while I had my scans. 🙌 you are welcome at my house to swim our go to the beach anytime! I will take a picture tomorrow after we get back from mo's office so you can picture being here. Just know it lo refreshing out there but its 95 degrees and 95% humidity. Also, don't pay attention to the ugly barn be hind the pool.
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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Claudia~ I agree and was smiling with every word you have said, I also was raised catholic,completely understand. My moments of weakness are plenty I won't lie. I loved the way you mentioned things I may miss along the way and agree. I don't know. I just don't. Thank you for taking your time to share those needed thoughts with me. I do love them with all that I am. (Family)I just hate seeing so much pain and suffering everywhere I look. I wanted to say that I will be praying and waiting to hear for good news on those scans. I will be praying for you as I do each night for all my sisters here. I am hoping you see nothing but blue skies ahead with those scans!! Please keep me posted! I can't wait to see the picture, I could use some good visuals. My DH keeps telling me I need a change of scenery, I am starting to agree with him. I may enjoy that more. Than I am aware. How I loved the beach.
Nan~ I do look at this as my journal. Like today I was in the pits. And Claudia and you came along here and helped me say, yeah shit yeah! She's right! We all have thoughts and feelings. And by my putting them here, if they can help someone ever at all or even one time, feel better like she and you do for me here, I couldn't ask for more. It helps me to talk to people that understand what something like this is like, I enjoy seeing you both because I feel like this is our little pub! When one is down the others say hey. .... look at it this way. To me that is way healthier than holding it in some books no one may ever read until I am gone. At least this way I can leave my password and log in for my family and they can read here how I felt and the wonderful friends I have made,while going through something so very awful. Hugs sweet ladies. ~M~
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mic, i'm not sure if i will leave my info for this site with my family....some things are only for those who understand completely what this whole shit show is all about and i wouldnt want anything to get taken out of context....at times i even watch what i say around here and im sorry for that but its like my first night after getting my first dose of chemo(abraxane) i woke up shaking uncontrollably with the worst headache i have ever had (and i get 3 day migraines) i grabbed my husband, looked him straight in the eye and BEGGED him to shoot me...i never wanted anything more in my life(oh there was lots of sobbing and snot and "you would do this if you loved me") he threw the quilts in a hot dryer then wrapped and held me till i passed out....how can you chime in and say heres my first experience lol..not....it worked for a while (3 months) then they had to switch me....i know my odds right now, i'm triple negative and i feel like i cant even post on some threads because it even scares people here...i also take it hard when someone takes a bad turn but does that mean i should stop posting....i dont want YOU to, but if it will hurt you to much i can...thats the last thing in the world i would ever want to add to and its not like it hasnt happened before....i have a brain mri on friday then maybe its time to take a break from the boards.....love you all , my cyber sisters
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