My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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i would never ever want you to leave the boards. I've been through it. I have had abraxane, it was horrible, I understanding completely!! You are my friend now Nan. I want to know exactly what is going on with you. Without updates I will do nothing but worry. Now I realize, in all your postings that has never shown through. If you take a break from the boards honey, that is your choice. Sometimes if it better ourselves, then I totally get it. I would never want you to be really upset by posting anything. But because I said I am realizing that my friends I have made here are wonderful people And I have grown so fond of many. I realize ALL Of our odds at some point my friend. I want to be together, because of the reason, I understand, we understand together. I have been through Abraxane, it isn't easy. But I learned that every infusion it does get easier. The headache thing I got on my first one. You need to have them slow down the drip. (Instead of 30 mins ask for 45) also eat the entire time and drink also. It helps break up the density of the toxins as it enters your body. Also. Take claritian everyday from now on to alleviate unneeded swelling and irritating agents. Also Aleve!! The day before , the day of , and the day after, after I learned the hard way. I used all those tricks and it was a lot better. I am not saying it's a breeze, by any means. But it did knock some shit out!! I love you too dear friend. Even if it's one word. I still look forward to seeing your name posting your smiling words and attitude, we all have our moments as you can see based on my pathetic rambles! Let's hang on to each other. Never let go! I am so sorry you're going through this hell. I am praying for you. It seems to be all I do anymore. But if it helps just a little. I am going to keep right on doing it. I am feeling what you felt. I feel what you feel !! I haven't had abraxane in a long time. But one never forgets that. Also watch the neuropathy, I had 9 infusions and it started to get really bad, so he told me I was done. I pray this is your answer. Loving you my friend. Thinking of you. I have been there. Big but gentle hugs. ~M~
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p.s. I do not want you to watch what you say here!!! That's why it's here !!!! Rant, any reasons, crying. , any single reason you may need. I am not one to be driven away because someone expresses how they feel or they are at their wits end, my post yesterday included visions of my lovely pill bottles that I was eyeing for a fast exit. I get it. Boy do I ever!!!! Please know you are loved a great deal here. I'll be waiting to hear how you're doing. Really waiting ~M~
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Nan812 - I'm sorry you have had negative feedback on other threads. Your diagnosis nor your thoughts and feelings offend me. Nor would your wish to end things. When you get to know me more you will find I am very much live and let live. I may encourage you to re think your decision, only to be positive. Once you firmly and consciously make a decision, I am by your side till the end. We are all different and some of the things we have lived through others could not. Just as some of what others have lived through we could not. When I say not an option for me, that's me, that does not include any one else. I actually admire some end of life decisions others have made. Like I said, no judgments here.
I completely understand if you need a break from threads. I took 2 weeks off end of June, then took a few days of last week, not due to anyone here, just for me. I needed to remember why I was fighting so hard. You do what you need for you! I do want you to know, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am holding your hand through your MRI Friday. Concentrate and you will feel it. If you would please let me know what happens i would really appreciate it. If you want to pm me, please feel free to. You will only get concern and support from me.
Now on lighter note, pool not too much work since we put in salt system and auto vacuum! This has been wonderful, I am such a water baby! Always have been!
Saw mo today. Almost all great news! Scans were great! Rads shrunk tumor from 6.2 to 2.6. Yay! Nothing new, Ibrance, letrozole still working. Pain on left side is because my colon is full of s×$!t. Trying new approach to constipation. All other symptoms related to not hydrating enough. Going to get better about that. We discussed many of the new drugs coming up and he feels confident about me staying of chemo longer.
Micmel - Here is pool ad promised! I don't known where
you or Nan812 are from, but if you need a beach escape or pool escape, you are welcome here anytime! We have 2 guest bedrooms!
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Claudia, I love the pool, makes me miss being normal and just thinking hey I'll swim today instead of, how much pain will I have today. I feel aches today. All over. Its like jumping beans. This is just down right miserable! I hope you enjoy your beautiful surroundings. If ihad a place like that outside, I would be out as much as I could. But the heat does effect me like you mentioned. So.... that one plays a part of how long I can stay outside. I grew up on a lot of property and peaceful tranquility of a pool. But that was long ago. Take a swim for me please my friend! Thanks for sharing, that's my new happy place! Hugs to you lovely ladies.
Nan~. Still waiting for you. Hope you're feeling a least a little better , thinking of you! Check in at the pub!!! Hugs beautiful! ~M~ my DS Was rear ended last night in a three car accident, his was the middle car. He has some pretty good whiplash. Hope you're doing ok.
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Micmel- So glad your ds is going to be ok. I bet that was terrifying!
I want to let you and nan know I am going offline for awhile. You both are more than welcome to pm me anytime. I am here for both of you always.
It is hard not being one of the chosen ones.
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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do you mean chosen as in the other threads ? I really want to know what that means my dear. (Which Is one of the reasons I started this thread a feeling of not belonging. Or being answered.) Don't go anywhere unless it's for your own peace of mind. Your own!!! Hugs hugs and smiles at the pub. Right now we are sitting at your pool. Happy place happy place hugs. Sighs tears. Don't gooooooo! ~M~ You DO belong here. Yes indeed you do. I mentioned my sons accident in the threads because I was upset. But no one even mentioned it I was like ohhhok that's how it is. But maybe it was just over looked. So now I journey here. Love you guys. Nan that means to you as well. Claudia.(wraps my arms around you tight but gentle.)
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That is exactly how I feel. It is morale sucking and no one needs that.
I have been concerned for your ds, sometimes whip lash can have latent effects. When I was younger, I was rear ended and thought all was well, until a few days later, I turned my head and paralyzed my left arm. Had to have physical therapy for months. It originated from the accident. Who knew!
Anyway, don't freak out, just keep an eye on him.
Yes, we have been having a great day at the pool! I hope the 3 of us will meet someday! I will stay here, but only here. Hope your evening is great! I can't wait for Deadliest catch tonite. I am hooked! Have been for a long time! Now dh is too! Its like a soap opera without all the sex!
Anyway, Good night my friends! Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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I love that show!! I am also hooked lol. I have it scheduled tonight! I will be watching it tomorrow morning. I wish they would bring back Josh Harris and the Cornela Marie. They were part of the heart and soul of the show all of those seasons!!! Then when He had that heart attack, it was very sad. But what isn't sad anymore!!!! Ugh! I know how you feel about the other threads. It's ok. We can become like family and really have someplace where we are loved., and genuinely cared for through good or bad. (Nan) I have felt how you feel. I would offer encouragement. And kind words. Nothing. Zero. Nada responses. My son went to the doctors today, they said something is going on and they want an X-ray if the symptoms don't dissipate within a week. It's always something ?!!! Love you Claudia. Thank you for caring. Hugs ~Melissa~
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Sorry about your son Melissa, (some how had in my mind your name was Michelle...)
Hope you don't mind me hanging here too...I often feel the same way in threads...
I have Chemo tomorrow...2 weeks we are headed to SC as a family cant wait for some beach time....
I try really hard to keep a positive attitude, some days it is really hard though. But I look at my DD who has 9 brain tumors including a 7cm that encapsulates her brain stem, on paper she shouldn't be functioning, as a matter of fact 7 years ago we never thought we would still have her, and yet she is thriving, does she have issues well yah....we have never talked what ifs with her and I firmly believe that is why she does so well...wish I didn't know what ifs...0 -
Keetmom~Please know that anytime, you want to be here the door is always open. Always. I want to have a place where you feel like You are more than welcome. Of course. I look at it this way. We all have our moments and days. Your precious children matter and I thank you for mentioning my son. We all have our weaknesses and children to me is a huge one! Brings me to my knees immediately, I would do anything to protect children. That Charlie Gard thing is so sad also. So please by all means know that whenever you are here. You will be like pulling up a stool with us and letting out what the day needed letting out. I'll be praying for us all. The bigger the family here the better. More shoulders to lean on, when we need it. Hugs to you sweetie. ~M~ I hope you have a blast on your trip. You go girl!!! Heres to an easy chemo tomorrow friend!
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I love that Micmel! So true!
Welcome keetmom, we will be thinking of you tomorrow when you are having chemo. So sorry to hear about your dd's challenge. I am extremely happy she is doing so well! You won't be ignored here and we want to hear everything, Good and bad! Feel free to let it all hang out.
Enjoy your family and the beach! Something so soothing about the water!
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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Keetmom~ thinking of you today as you have chemo. Think of us all around you, I hope it goes fast And you're back home with your precious children and another chemo down and history! You and your family are in my prayers.
Nan~Still waiting darling.
Claudia~ hope you slept well. I had my XGeva shot yesterday and ugh!!! Just sucks what little energy I even had away, and a nice headache parting gift. Now today I'll try to figure out what I can choke down my gullet. I have no taste whatsoever. Bland bland bland. Texture becomes a major issue.
Hope you all have a good day. Love you guys !
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Good morning! Micmel, ugh I don't miss those xgeva shots at all! Hopefully you will start feeling better soon. I remember first 2 days as rough.
Keetmom hopefully chemo is over soon.
Nan - thinking of you constantly.
I want to share somethings with you all. Last evening I was feeding the horses and I looked up and saw 2 beautiful butterflies flitting around our bright red Mandeville growing on our fence. 1 butterfly was a monarch, the other I didn't recognize, but both so pretty. I immediately thought of you and wished I had my phone to take a picture.
This morning while I was making coffee there was a hummingbird feeding on the flowers out front, then a beautiful Cardinal landed on our fence! What a beautiful start to the day! So blessed! It doesn't take much to make me happy!
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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Good morning Claudia! I am trying to sleep off the effects kicks my battootty! I'm going to be resting luckily today so that should help. Now if I could only eat ! Sounds like a lovely place you have to wake up at. Sounds tranquil. I wake up to my two dogs yelling at me to feed them. One happens to be a very loud Hounddog. When He gets going. It seems like a fog horn went off. Need to figure out something to eat. Cloudy day here helps the sleepiesHope you have a bright day at the pool. (So jealous!). Hugs ~M~
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I hope everyone has had the best day that they possibly could. Cloudy and dreary here. But got a rental for my DS's accident. So that is taken Care of. Doctor said it's in his neck and arm so they are looking over him. And Monday if its not better he will be getting an X-ray. Hopefully that won't happen. He couldn't work today so he's going to be reimbursed for his lost wages which is a lot to a twenty year old. So hopefully he will be getting his money back fast. These things sometimes move snail like.
Keetmom ~ hope you're chemo went ok as far as chemo can go. Glad it's done and gone.
Hugs ladies ~M~0 -
We had some port issues, got blood and premeds done and then it wouldn't draw back, so re accessed so we tried TPA and then re accessed again...got home 2 hours later then planned on..
Then My sister went with me and we were coming home and I said I am just emotionally exhausted, some of it Emma, and some the what ifs of living with STage 4 cancer, and the what ifs...I said Take care of Jim if something happens to me, she said "We don't have to worry about that it wont happen," "Um yah it probably will eventually that is just how it is, she sayd:I cant deal with this!" I hold your hand.....
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I sometimes have those same issues. They always have to use the port cath cleaner. It has to sit sometimes for over an hour! What a pain in the rear end. I know living with this is hard, you're not alone. Every feeling you have we have had or at least darn close. I'm sorry your day was longer. I also hate what ifs. But we must go forward. We have no choice, it's our only option! I am sending hugs and I understand chemo intensifies those feelings of helplessness! I pray you rest tonight and awake rest to fight with us another day. Gentle hugs ~M~ One day at a time is all we can do.
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Tomorrow Emma is getting her room redone from a group called Special Spaces...so they are sending us away for the night...luckily it is a dex day.
So tonight we went to get KFC, handed the cashier $$, he said Um it is 22.00, I'm like yah, you gave me 15, handed him another 5, UM still need more, handed him another 5. and said just got done with chemo, said to DH one time it is good to go out in public bald.0 -
keetmom~ love the name Emma! I use my cancer card whenever I can. We struggle. How wonderful that her room will be getting done! What a nice thing that's very special for your family and precious DD! I can imagine. The reaction.! I had Olive Garden, my son wanted a big meal to take his medicine for his neck issues. Yum! KFC yum also! I hope that you'll sleep well tonight and regain your strength from chemo today it sure doesn't wipe you out mentally and physically!! Stay strong my friend. You're amazing!! ~M~
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lots of hugs for you! Lots and lots! So sorry chemo got so screwed up. As if it's not bad enough that you need it. Those darn ports! I hated mine from the day it went in till the day it came out. Never worked right, always hurt!
Such sad things we think about. Some days you just wonder how do you keep doing it. So on those days you just do it because...you have so much on your plate, you are a walking miracle! I could only hope to achieve your awesomeness and don't think I could even come close.
Take care of you tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!
Micmel, thinking of you and Nan also. Keep an eye on the ds.
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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I just do what I have to do....luckily my DH is awesome and has been with me through the hell of the last few years, not sure how he will handle it with out me, I need to be ok....at least for a while...everyone today told me how great I am looking so that helps some I honestly am feeling better then I have in a long time..
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keetmom~you're one tough cookie. A wonderful mom as well. I am so happy to see you have such a deep love for your DH. I am a romantic at heart. You're a very lucky woman to have found your person. I am sucker for happy couples. I am part of one myself. Love of my life. I thank god everyday for this wonderful man. In my life, to go through thickness and thin with me. How Can someone be so blessed and so not blessed at the same time. Such a hard time to go through, rest well. ~M~. hope you feel better tomorrow!
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well i just woke up after a not S o wonderful sleep. I don't know if it's because it's my week off of meds or not, but my bones hurt! My back hurts and the side of my hip area hurts. Like I need something else to remind me of this shit. Having one missing breast isn't enough? Let's pile on some teeth grinding bone pain instead. I don't ever remember it being this bad. Wtf I am so sick of dealing with this tears just aren't enough for how this makes one feel, the anger and frustration that builds up in you!!! No where To go with that ??? People who don't have cancer say ohhhh don't give up. When really it's all I want to do. ??? Nan, if this is how you're feeling. I am sending my love. I wish I could do something to help our sadness and this go away. I am just so distraught some days. I don't know how to even lift my head. I have to take a shower today which I hate. It's like a job anymore. I don't feel awake ever. I'm always on medicine. Never get a break from Meds bone wise, it just seems to be getting worse. I am starting to realize I am watching myself disappear before my eyes. Each month I get weaker. And more dull with my movements and I haven't jogged in well over a month! i am not sure at this point if I ever will. If this is what my 47 years of life had lead to. Why wasn't I given a choice? I didn't sign up for this agony. Not a good day for me. I need hugs. Today ! I am going to try to snap out of it. But I don't know today..... rough day and night. Ok rough week. I don't know how I am ever going to make it through every day Of progressively getting worse as time goes by l, we all know that's very possible . When can I get off? When do we have the right to say enough of this I'm done ? New pains popping up always scare me ! If it wasn't for my family who I love so very much, I am not sure where I would be. I need, we all need a miracle. My complaints are not lost in saying for Keetmom, that I can even have the right to complain when you have young ones at home with challenges, forgive me for bitching. Your precious ones mean so much. And so do us all. I thought since it was only in my bones (for now of course) I would able to fight either longer or harder. I'm not sure what I even thought. I guess I will never get over the shock of having this disease, no matter what. It's been over 18 months since diagnosis and I am like a roller coaster. Up and down always. I'm so sick of it all. Already. God bless you my friends and my MBC sisters. I genuinely love you. Strong beautiful women ! Hugs because I need them too. ~M~
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Micmel - I am so sorry to hear about your rough night and morning. We should have pm'd each other! I had what I call the twitches last night! I just cannot lay still and get comfortable. I was up until about 3am, then back up at 6. That is one negative about this treatment vs chemo. At least on chemo I knew how many days down, then when improvement started and then really good just in time to do it again. This treatment is so random...I get these twitches every month, but never around the same time. I get fatigue every month, but not in any predictable way. My great uncle, who was very old, would always say it was a good day because he woke up on this side of the grass! He owned the local funeral home... It used to crack me up! Always a smiling face, always a kind words. Whenever I picture him saying that I smile.
Do you like tea? I find chamomile can be very soothing. What about a nice bath with some scented bubbles and candles? I but this stuff called bath therapy, I soak in it when I'm sore and it usually helps.
Lay on the couch and watch a good movie...or a trashy show you wouldn't normally watch! Try one of those "don't know who the father is"! Or go to you tube and watch funny videos.
In the meantime, I have you and Nan and keetmom wrapped up in a huge hug!! I am going to go groom the horses for awhile. It soothes me and them. I will send peaceful thoughts your way.
Don't forget prayers for nan, her mri is today! Hope you feel better soon. Winging hugs and prayers your way!
Claudia
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good morning Claudia. So nice to see your shining face this morning. I took my meds and forced myself to get up and do some over due errands. It felt good to get out. I am in awe that you still groom horses. You're amazing on this thread. I am of course praying for Nans MRI!! Was saying prayers last night for us all. I miss her beautiful smile here. Petthose lovely horses for me. I am sooo jealous of where you live. Reminds me of when I was a kid. 😞😢
keetmom~ hope all is well today after chemo and you're feeling better then yesterday. Sending prayers and hugs your way. ~M~
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Micmel - those poor horses don't get near as much tlc as they used to. I just can't handle it in this heat. But once the temperature drops a little, that is usually where you can find me. All our friends know to come straight to the barn when they come over unannounced.
Like you I decided to run errands, what a waste of valuable time and energy. Stores did not have what I needed. Fresh markets fish and produce looked worse than Walmarts. I had my heart set on Ahi tuna for dinner. Now got no plan. Stores didn't have phbalancec water I wanted. Nor the plants I wanted to get to replace the ones our house sitter let die, after promising she would water them....sigh. Oh well. I'm glad you are feeling better!
Keetmom, how about you?
Nan, still with you in spirit! Check inn soon please.
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
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Claudia~ hello beauty, I tried to make the most of my day after getting the best yet tumor markers I have ever had. I was floored. I am praying this continues and we all have this happen for us. That we all have days like this to pull us out of our slumps. The nurses and doc seem to think my pain is muscles. Because I'm laying down too much!!! I think that makes sense. I haven't been feeling well for three weeks and have been in bed because of it. I was sure it was bad. So now I start round #9.
Can you tell me the names of your horses? How many do you have? I love them. Please take pics of you can. I love animals. So very much. Are they quarter horses? I used to ride like the wind. Two years ago my DH and I drove down to West Virginia to Cacapon and rented two horses and had a romantic picnic in the mountains and tied off the horses. I had fallen in love all over again with my DH. It was a special time. It was a smaller palomino. I loved him HisName was whinnie. I miss those days. Never realized how special that ride eally was until now.
Nan ~ we love you. MRI is on our mind honey.
Sending hugs and prayers. My friend.
Keetmom~ hope all is well with you ! Hugs to you all ~M~
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Had a marvelous day,the group redoing Emma's room sent us to Green Bay for the night...spent all day at Lambeu Field... I am feeling good today, steroids make a world of difference....
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what a special day for you And your family. I love love the pic. Look at your awesome family. Brought an instant smile to my face thank you so much for sharing. I love to see good things happen to good people. May you have many many more day like that one, so glad you were you were feeling up to all of that. What a day you all had !! That's so cool. You're a trooper. Thank you for sharing. Made my day! Hugs ~M~ I have never been down on the field ever. That is so special. Something you'll never forget as a family. Wonderful day!!!!
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