My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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love you ladies. Been sleeping and resting. Kinda grieving as well. Haven’t heard from her. I am respecting her way. I love my friend.
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Hello All. I have been without internet for a few days. Very sad to read about Gracie's hospice news. But it seems she is doing this on her terms. I can respect and admire her for this and learn from her approach as well. I have not gotten to know her very well, but I can tell she is a very loved member of this group.
Sending everyone some blue hydrangeas. Even in a blue mood, there is hidden beauty to be discovered in the complexity of it all...
Gumdoctor
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blue is my favorite color and those are absolutely amazing. I slept basically all day. Was gifted with a wonderful special visit with my DSS who will be leaving for college in August. God , just thinking of that makes me cry. Why do I always freaking cry ? You would think a body would run out of the ability to cry. After millions of tears shed over these past 3.5 years.
Gracie~ love you precious friend.
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Micmel, you have gone through so much! The grief is like a spring, it is not exhausted unless you stop drinking in it. Take your time to heal your heart. BIG HUGS TO YOU
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Yndorian~What a lovely picture of you beauty lady. Nice to see you here. I like what you said about the spring. I guess the thing is for me is. I feel like the gates of crap have opened up on me and my family and others that I care about. I know we all have our seasons. I appreciate the hug. It means a lot. I am sending the big hug right back! Thank you for caring ! ~M~
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Micmel, the hour glass reminds me of the opener to the Days of Our Lives soap opera!
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I agree. That show is still on same everyday! I used to watch soaps. But I got tired of all the same old story lines. Yawn boring.
Runor~Love ya girl. I’m ok. Just one day at a time. Miss you and your funny posts!
Anyone seen Miss Bianca or Parry
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ok ladies.... I need to push out of this funk. I know I can't be alone in one. I don't even believe I am about to post this, but I realized I haven't showered in over a week. Now mind you I do spot clean. Obviously, only wash my hair once a week because of chemo concerns and damage. But it hit me. Girl wake the eff up. So off to the shower I go. Please please tell me if you have ever felt this way. Like just taking a shower seems like a job to be done. My off week of ibrance. I want some unexpected energy my way please. ?
Have the best day possible.
Always with you Gracie.
Love ~M~
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Gumdoctor, what beautiful hydrangeas!
Yndorian, I agree with Micmel, you're beautiful.
I'm tickled at how much I'm enjoying my front porch now that it's *finally* been made right. On these warm summer mornings, the porch has shade and often a slight breeze blowing through, making it perfect to sit out with a cup of coffee or a bowl of cereal. In the afternoon, I sit out there, open the mail and read the newspaper; very relaxing. I never did this before because the old porch railing was too high and when you sat down, all you saw was the top of the railing. It 'sort of' looked nice but in reality, it was architecturally incorrect, out of proportion and blocked the whole view. It felt closed off so we never sat out there. The new railing is 8 inches shorter, making all the difference in the world. The space is now opened up and vastly more inviting. I'm surprised at the compliments from passers-by on how nice it looks.
Now that all is said and done, yesterday dh installed a bracket so we could once again hang our U.S. flag which I said was symbolic to show we'd finally conquered this complicated home improvement! And, of course, just in time for the 4th.
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The porch is gorgeous Divine! I have a Victorian home in a little village and porches like this are part of life here! My birthday was the other day (omg I'm 63) and I got new porch furniture to celebrate. I'm sitting out there quite a bit now. The old furniture was a little uncomfortable with my new back issues (thank you mbc)
Yndorian how nice to see you! What a lovely picture!
I don't know you Gracie, and I doubt you are reading here - but I love you and I'm imaging the arms of the wonderful gentle people here surrounding you. You clearly are loved here.
Micmel, I'm glad you felt like taking a shower. Life just ebbs sometimes and it's okay that you got off track for a few minutes, hours, days. Just keep an eye our for trends of not wanting to take a shower, etc. Taking a shower today is a good idea and a good direction to go. You are going through grief now and it's may be waking up all sorts of feelings of fear and anger. Let it happen and let it out. Very big love to you!
I started month three of Ibrance last week. The letrazole SE has kicked in with aching hips and legs though ughhhhh. But my tumor markers dropped again which makes me feel hopeful that I'm on the right treatment at the moment.
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Divine--- Love the pic. Nice door with the panels on each side. Nice big porch too. I can understand the new railing would be better for the view. Glad you are enjoying it.
Micmel-- Sorry you are in a funk. Sorry cannot empathize about the shower. LOL. I LOVE feeling and smelling clean. Like, it is my obsession. When I was recovering from the mastectomy surgery and I had a drain in place I still showered. Had to hold the drain in one hand and lather up with the other. And my soapy, wet hand slipped a couple of times and I lost the grip on the drain tubing. Jerk. Dropped the drain. OUCH. But I cannot stand not to begin the day with a good, hot shower. Clean clothes. The smell of the body wash. And the feel of clean sheets at the end of a day. Ahhhhh. Some days I might not feel up to much with the fatigue and yes the mental aspect of all this gets to me big time. But it does not affect my shower time. LOL.
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Micmel: I think that my translater betrayed me. I said spring like a water source, but if you prefer the other way I'm ok. I just don't want to bother anybody because of a missunderstud. Sorry to publishing in a IV thread but I have a suspect supraclavicular node, so if rads can't take care about it I could be in IV soon. I have had reading all your posts in this thread, crying with you, feeling what you feel. I think you are a great great woman, so brave, always taking care about others. But that has a price and you are just human. I wish you better days.
Thank you all for your comments about my picture. It was took 2 years ago. I look like that girl's mother today. This desease is so hard with us!
HUGHS TO YOU ALL LADIES
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Divine I'd love a porch like that, it's perfect for relaxing with a glass of sweet tea. I'm glad they fixed it for you.
Micmel, I don't like to admit it but I've had times like that. This, too, shall pass. If it doesn't or gets worse, tell your Doc. It's probably just part of the process of grieving.💞
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Micmel,
I am so sorry that you are struggling. You are such a wonderful person who deserves to be happy. I know this disease is hard, but you have to decide if you are going to let it defeat you, or whether you are going to do your best to live your best life. I want that so much for you. I know it’s hard, but I have decided to move forward and, believe it or not, I’m pretty happy. The hard part is training your mind. I told my onc that in some ways, MBC is one of the most difficult cancers because there are so many unknowns. That part alone makes it a big challenge. But I am not going to let MBC steal one more minute from me.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know how much we all care about you. I’m glad you can say how you feel....you are so deeply honest with your feelings. I just want you to have a really good day soon!
Love and big hugs,
Laurie
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Happy Birthday Moomala!!!!!! 🥳Happy Birthday to you! Shower completed. Check. Feel better I agree. Just fell of the track some. It happens, I realize it’s a slippery slope for sure. I think it was combining my existing pain with the new pain from my fall. I’m thinking it’s not going to heal so easily. Thank you for taking my sweet Gracie in your arms as well. It means a lot! I hope you’re doing well today and having a good day!
Divine~ oh my that porch. I love porches (I know you all know I have a thing for them, I had one on the side of the house I grew up in and I spent a lot of time on that porch, it was freedom. Growing up where I did was a wonderful place to live. I adore your porch and am thrilled that you love it finally after everything you went through with it. 😃
Candy~LOL I love your honesty. I don’t like the heat, so I don’t really go outside too much if I can avoid it. I could never shower everyday. My arm injury just screams at me. So I have to watch that. I just feel like sometimes since diagnosis, I can’t feel happiness anymore. It’s like a gaping hole of where a part of my carefree happy life was. My happiest days are behind me and that is felt daily and it comes like waves in the beach. Even the noises match. The crying washes over me. Then goes back out, but always returns with the tide.
Mae? You ok honey?
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Micmel-- I totally get the "cannot feel happiness anymore" thing. We ARE different since the diagnosis. I am different since the diagnosis. I hate to give the cancer so much power, but it is true. And the truth sneaks up on you. I will be out in a group-church, family thing, etc- and doing ok and someone will say something about a future event and I wonder if I will be alive for it or if I am alive will I be too sick to attend. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, I know. But with this disease our tomorrows are so uncertain. My "carefree happy life" is gone, forever. Even if I stay stable for a long time, the innocent carefree feeling is gone never to return.
I too cannot stand the heat, never could, but now even more so. Air conditioning is my friend. There are a couple of family events planned for this summer and I have already told people I will not be in attendance just due to the fact that they are planned for outside in the heat. Just cannot do it anymore.
Praying you find some small piece of happiness, if even for a short time. That is what I look for now--small things to be happy for. That is all we have now.
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Hi all, gotta make it quick, so we can get to the river before dark.
Beautiful porch, really really beautiful.
Happy birthday 🎉
I had my 6 week, post brain rads follow up this morning and it was great. The largest spot was 4mm, it’s now 2.5mm, the smaller one shrunk as well and nothing new was seen. They should continue to shrink and eventually disappear. Since response is good, I’m moved to 3 month MRI’s instead of 2. Have a great day, I’ll post river pics soon 😀
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illimae--- Woohoo to the follow up appt!!!!!! Enjoy the river trip !!!!!!
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Mae~Thank goodness. And thank you for letting us know. I am smiling with happiness, we love that good news. Keep it coming please ! River pics! River pics! Much love ~M~
Candy~ shittiest diseases are plentiful in this world. It makes me mad that people can’t just live their life cycle out in peace and we all realize ok at this ripe old age of 85 that’s it! Takes the guessing and fear away for everyone to a certain degree. Limits suffering. No confusion, just the way this is. I think I would Be fine with something like that! Heat arghhhhhhh 🥵🥵🥵 uh no way!
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Yndorian~Oh you're beautiful alright. 2 years or not. I appreciate the sweet post, and the fact that you would find this to be a place to let it all go. We all need that shoulder. I have always needed the feeling to be able to bond to others. I could talk to a barn door if I didn't think people would stare. Or lock me up with a straight jacket. I just find it therapeutic to write. For me anyway it helps a lot. I begin to know my friends and feel that love and kin ship that we all need.
BooBoo~I always say I walk the circle of my day. Each day is begun and ended the same way with scattered memories and strung together smiles during things that stood out, or that beautiful family of rabbits that lives under the Bush out back of. Our yard. I watch them hop un aware and clueless, chase each other and that's all that matters in that moment.
For me that moment occurs like this :
Omg those adorable bunnies make me smile god they are beautiful. They live in our yard, how cool is that? Then I stop and my brain realizes :: screeeeeech! Hold on here, those bunnies may out live you, you used to be beautiful also, what if you aren't able to see the bunnies hop anymore? What if you don't see another spring? What if you aren't even in your own room again and you're in another hospice home hearing another person dying next to me.
That's how the pattern goes. It's not anything I can even help it happens that quickly. I am trying to get a hold of the big mean feelings. Or fear!
Grannax~Thank you so much for admitting that you have had this happen. I put it out there like I usually do, because it helps to reach out like you just touched my hand and said. No honey. It happens to me too. But be careful. I love you guys ! Thank you
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Hi everyone, its late here and bed time. Just like to wish all my USA mbc ladies a Happy 4th July. Hope you all enjoy celebrating your day. Good to hear your news Mae. My picture is of The Kelpies near Falkirk in Scotland. They are 30 metre high steelsculptures of Scottish mythological water spirits. Quite amazing close up! Here visiting our daughter, husband and 2 grandsons. Enjoying family time, and also enjoying normal temperatures for a few days. Only 5 days, then heading back to 90 plus degrees in Spain. Night night all x
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Mae, fabulous news! Divine, we all love a nice Porsche. Yours is looking all spiffy and fresh. Yndorian, habla usted espanol?
Micmel. Spot clean. I thought you said spit clean. I'm picturing you spitting on a kleenex and wiping your face, like our moms used to do to us just before ushering us into church while chewing us out under her breath for not being cleaner.
I too have had those moments where getting in the tub was like wading into an ocean to swim across it. When you look down and the forest of hair on your unshaven legs has small mountain goats living in it, that's how bushy and tree like it has become. When you sit up in bed after a week of not washing your hair and the pillow is sticking to your head. Yup. Super sexy.
When I am glum and nothing is getting through, everything is bland and dull. When I fear being happy because I feel brittle and tight, like joy is dangerous and deadly, I know i have to snap out of it, but I can't. What do I do? I Tap out of it. Tap. Find the rhythm. It sounds stupid and superficial and like I am making light of a serious situation. But I am not. Rhythm affects us in many ways. It can reset the brains of palsy victims and help them walk. It helps baby sleep. It helps marching bands march. I'm not talking anything dreary. No. Disco. You need to disco yourself out of this funk. You need to DISCOnnect from the gray and the bland. Nothing about this will feel possible. But try it. Shower and jive at the same time. Watch out for that soap!
There is plenty to be sad about. It can wait for another day while you shave your groove thing. Shake. Sorry. Bad typing.
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Runor,
You crack me up. Even when discussing a serious subject you can find humor. That's awesome. I wish I owned an airplane. I'd land on Mel's front lawn, and swoop her up. I'd take you to Disneyland, and put you on the new Harry Potter ride. I want to see you laugh and cry from laughing. That's my wish. To take away anything and everything that hurts you or makes you sad. Okay, not realistic. And you still need time to grieve. But I wish I could make it better. As someone told me once, the sun will come out again.
With love and respect,
Lauri
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Divine - Thank you for enjoying the hydrangeas with me. Beautiful legacy from my family over many years.
I adore your new and improved porch!!! Since I mention my front porch so often, you know how much I love mine. I am sitting on it right now. And the birds are singing to me.
I am so pleased for you to have your porch the way you like it. It will provide you wIth so much more joy now.
Gumdoctor
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Minnie~Hello beautiful woman. Those are magnificent, I for some reason immediate thought game of thrones! I know it’s not dragons, but it seemed so large and demanding to be seen. That is so awesome. Thank you so much for sharing something I may have never even been aware of if it wasn’t for you! Love you. Sleep well!!
Runor~There you are my friend, my person who always knows how to make me seriously Laugh out loud. Thank you for making me feel not so alone. You’re an amazing writer. A wordsmith I believe. Yeah that’s it. I adore you sweet friend. I’ll try to keep spitting in all the right places!! 😝
BooBoo~Hello hello! I wish you had a jet also.. maybe then I would be able to fly someplace. Without Joe Schmoe in the seat next to me chewing on his peanuts, while I am gripping the seat praying for a landing because I’d be in pain. I hope you don’t melt out there. I know today here it’s going to be 90 and humid. Ick!!!!!I am sending you a big hug and wish you didnt move, but hope you’re happy.
Divine~ that porch! Ahhhhhhhh late nights and early mornings. My favorite times on the porch. A nice breeze, crisp air. I could live out there. Fall especially I guess I’d have to admit would be my favorite. As I age, I prefer colder temperatures. It’s looks so great!
Gumdoctor~That is a wonderful view to have my morning coffee and see nature’s beauty and boy are you lucky to look out at that. Seems like you live with beauty amongst you daily. That sounds very appealing to me. I love flowers and mountains. I think I live in the wrong state. Lol.
Hugs to all ~M~
Gracie~ ♾
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Runor: yes, I speak spanish. These days the Google translator is my best friend and my worst enemy...😊
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Divine-Very pretty porch, it looks so inviting.
Mae, Great news for you! Love to hear it, and also nice to lengthen time between your MRIs. I see my MO every other month now and it helps to have a little more time without appointments. (I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.)
Minnie, Thanks for the Kelpies pic. I’d love to see them myself someday. Nice that you’re enjoying some time with your daughter and grandkids and Scotland.
Runor, You crack me up too! (Too bad we all can’t have Porsches.). And you have a wise way of viewing life.
Gumdoctor, Awesome view from your porch. I could hang out there all day. How are you feeling? (I believe you’re on a new treatment?)
Micmel, I’m sorry you’re feeling down. If I could add on to Boo’s plan for you, I’d send you a text and tell you that we’re all (all of us here) meeting for dinner in one hour and I’d be at your house to pick you up, so be ready. That would be so great if we could just do that.
In about a month (on my 60th bday) DH and I will be heading out on a 3 week road trip. Not sure I’m ready for that much at once, but with visiting family in CA and CO and some of our own sightseeing in between that’s what it is. I’m getting mentally prepared now! I never thought much about my birthdays and don’t care much about my age, but it is a “big” one I guess, and now I wonder more about my future.
Hello to all. I do feel like I know you more than I know some people I’ve known for years.
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hello friends!!
Hope everyone is doing okay and staying cool and hydrated today!
I am being lazy in my bed.
Had my monthly injections yesterday at my MO. Lupron and Xygeva (which I actually get every 3 months now). Someone was asking me at one point where I receive my Xygeva injection and I receive in the back of my upper arm into my tricep muscle. I think some folks get it in their stomachs?
Yesterday I was super emotional and don’t really know why. I went to my MO appt and my adorable parents came with me. Sometimes the emotions feel so heightened when they are there too. But they like to know what’s happening and to hear my MO talk. I totally understand.
Before my MO came, the nurse came in with a card from my original nurse, who it turns out is leaving the practice. That made me burst into tears!! She’s been with me from the get go! I didn’t realize how attached I had become!
Then, when I got the Xygeva shot, it was a nurse I’ve never seen before. And the shot hurt like a mofo!!! I don’t typically yell but I was screaming “Ow ow ow ow owwwwww!!” And then the tears were pouring out of my eyes. The nurse felt so bad. I don’t know what went wrong!! It was the most painful it’s ever been!!
Bleh 😑
I am also emotionally struggling a bit with one of my friends. She’s really intense. When I tell her no, she doesn’t take no for an answer. I had to tell her no today and it went into a huge ordeal. Arghhh 😤
Anywho - I am in bed. And that’s where I am today on the 4th of July and I am very comfy and cool and calm and happy!
Love to all and hope I can live vicariously through the folks who have MBC and are out having lovely adventures today!!!
Hugs to all who are feeling low, down, tired, blue, anxious, scared, etc.
Love,
Philly
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