My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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micmel, thanks for the welcome back. I’m always reading but sometimes it’s hard to post. Since the ascites in February I’ve felt really defeated. Some good days, some bad. Everyone here is always so positive it raises my spirits.
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grifff~I always watch for my sisters. Always. And I am positive I’m going bonkers. But please know that when you’re reading you’re not alone. I’m so very sorry for every way you feel, because I feel it too. It really is defeating. No control.. no bumper pads for the bumper cars we are smashed up against (pain and or surgeries) it’s a viscous circle. But we all seem to walk the same circle. Yes we do. 💜 to you sweetheart!
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I don't know if it is just our society - but, it seems like everyone feels isolated and alone and not part of the group. It can be due to cancer, family tragedy, poverty, infertility, body image, depression, many other bad diseases that no one deserves. I have been in many groups who don't know I have cancer and the tragic life stories I hear are rampant. It seems like there is some sort of strict idea we all have or that is being foisted on us of what a “good" life is and none of us are living up to it. There are so many misconceptions about cancer and I think people don't have a clue what they are supposed to say or do- that is why I never tell anyone I have cancer ( except the people that I told 7 years ago- at diagnosis ) my husband hasn't updated my status of stage 4 to his friends- he doesn't feel like it's would be helpful to him or us. Also- even though it isnot our fault- somehow we feel ashamed to have cancer - how did that happen?
Trying to plan my life as if I am going to be here for a while with the caveat “don't wait" deeply ingrained.
Hugs to all.
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Micmel- Hugging you right now. Thank you. No other words....
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Nkb, I think that American culture (majority here on BCO) does not do community well. We do individualism well; it's ok to follow your own drummer and make your own choices, and there are many benefits to that. But the flip side of that is feeling alone. I have a window into a group-oriented culture, and they know how to do community, but the flip side of that is tremendous pressure to conform or be shunned. I also think there are some personality types that are pretty common and it is easier for these people to find their tribe. For others, we are “different" by temperament or way of thinking and have a harder time finding our tribe (if we even can). Add cancer to this and one can truly feel like an alien.
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Shetland- so true. Might be hard to have the community and be the individual. I guess that I have always deeply needed to have the individual part- but, trying to learn to find community that is good for me- and be part of someone else's need for community also. I find myself trying harder to connect.
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A dinner my sister made for me so I wouldn't have to cook for a few days after getting out of the hospital. Chicken enchiladas with quinoa and beans. It was amazing! Thank God for family. 0 -
I find myself trying to find someone who is like me. Trying to find someone local who knows what it’s like to feel like your best by date has passed. But not by choice or lack of use. Just plain shitty luck! Desperate to seek someone who understands. My good friend a while back had a scare with a papilloma and she came to me because she was worried. I didn’t want her to be at risk by any means. I resolved myself that if she had cancer i would be her team mate. Thank goodness she didn’t. I was more than ok with that. Relieved for that sweet woman. But I saw the fear in her eyes. I hated seeing that. She is the closest person to relate to the feelings of fear she had. But with you ladies. You totally understand it all. Always. I just wish we had access to spend time with each other. I think it would change our world. Hugs and love to you.
Nkb~nice to see you too dear woman. Hope you’re doing good today.
Shetland~ Hi sweetheart! Love seeing you here and I agree I do have a problem with community.i feel less exposed at home in my own world that I know all to well.0 -
I’m in my own world too sometimes, I think we all have moments where our thoughts are so much more than the mundane chatter around us.
Not sure how many HER+ are on this thread but I just watched Living Proof about the creation of Herceptin and I am feeling very grateful.
Thanks again for all the well wishes and support 😀
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Mae so happy for your results!!!!
Tanya
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Hi All -
My report is the opposite of Mae's...
Over 10 tumors in liver now. Large one grew from 4 cm to 9 cm in 1 week of no treatment.
Plan is to have port put in on Thurs am and start Carboplatin/Abraxane on Thursday afternoon.
In numb mode. Husband took me out to dinner so we could think about something else...
Gumdoctor
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Gumdoctor,
I am so sorry to hear the bad news. I am praying that the new treatment stabilizes your cancer
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Gum doctor~I was on abraxane and it kicked some ass. I am hoping it will do the same for you. It was milder than the heavy ac. I am really hoping maybe resection, or , ablation. Talk to a liver specialist and I am glad I did. I am sending strong hugs to you my friend.
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grrrifff~What Time is dinner? Yummy. Delicious. I’m officially hungry. Yum! That was a very helpful thing to do for sure. Enjoy! A real meal after hospital food. Hugs to you!
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Gum doctor
I am sorry to hear your news. I hope your next line of treatment is the true match that we need right now to get this MBC under control. Your DH did a Good job taking you out for dinner. Sometimes my husband walks/drives me along and when things settle I barely remember my feet on the ground. I'll be lifting you up in my prayers tonight.
Tanya
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Gumdoctor, that is awful news. I feel the heaviness of your spirit. The numb, as you say. I am so sorry.
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Divine,
I'm just like Elle....you are my hero too! Love what you wrote. Most of us grew up with body images that shaped the way we feel about ourselves. My mother was beautiful and thin her entire life. She was always commenting about how me and my sisters looked in clothing or bathing suits. But I don't blame her. It was part of her culture (and the times). Anyway, thanks for that post.
Elle, I am so sorry about your Mother's passing. I will be praying for strength and peace as you grieve. I, too, am a Christian, so lean on Him.
Rosie, is that you in the bathing suit? If it is, all I can say is “Wow". Rock on.
Hi Sweet Mel....hope you have a good day. We are going to Portsmouth, NH today. Our friends are beer fans, and love to try different pubs. Then we're heading back to Portland in the afternoon to shop and have dinner. Should be a fun day.
Gumdoctor, still thinking of you and praying your next treatment brings you wonderfulsuccess.
Tanya, looks like we're having some great weather back home!
Love to all,
Boo
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Gumdoctor, really sorry to hear of the increase in liver mets. Really Crappy News. As others have said, expecting this chemo to beat them down. I’m with you in spirit and hoping you’ll feel all of us pulling for you
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Gumdoctor, I’m sorry for the bad news. I’ll be sending you good vibes for Thursday. I had abraxane (couldn’t tolerate taxotere or taxol) and it worked very well even with a 20% dose reduction due to neuropathy. Many others have had great results with abraxane to liver mets.
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I will be starting Gemzar and Carboplatin soon. In a similar boat with Gumdoctor. I'm not sure what day I start. 💞
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Just now catching up on posts from last 24 hours.
Gumdoctor- So sorry for your news. 4cm to 9cm in one week dang. Praying the IV chemo kicks cancers butt. But is easy on you. Love ya. If you need to vent just PM me. I am always here.
Grannax- Was wondering about you. Guess you got to talk with doc. Plan getting finalized sounds like. Praying for you. Keep us informed. Do you have port in place?
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Yes, I have a port. They sent information to Insurance today. Probably start Monday. 💞
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gumdoctor giant hug and so much love being sent to you as you navigate these days ahead. I am sorry you’re dealing with this and I think being numb makes a lot of sense. We are all here holding your hand ♥️
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Darn grannax, you too? I wish everyone’s cancer would just be lazy or go away completely. You know you’ve got our support through this.
Also, a virtual toast to all of us, the thread creator micmel, the regular posters and the readers 🍷 Unlike some other threads or Facebook groups we’ve maintained a respectful and supportive place with a wide variety of backgrounds and personalities. There’s goodness here and I thank you all for sharing. Cheers 🥂
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Mae~ sisters. I love you all... there is goodness here. I wish nothing but strength and happiness and success for us all. A second family that always has your back.
This thread is very dear to me. You all are..
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Speaking of thread-starter, a couple weeks ago, I think Micmel mentioned something about reaching over 9,000 posts and still going here. Which led me to look at the original post of hers and I was truly shocked to see she started it July 7, “2017” I was floored to realize we’ve been engaged in an ongoing thread for two years already! I mean, it felt like maybe 10 months or something. I thought, wow! The time has flown!
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yes Divine the time has flown.
Mae thanks for giving us a big up and cheers.
Grannax superstar I’m really glad you’re finally starting a new treatment and sad about medicines that don’t work but still make you sick and weak. I hope this new cocktail blasts the crap out of cancer.
Thank you Mel. We all need this so much.
Tanya
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Gumdoctor and Grannax2...I am so sorry to see your updates.This disease freakin' sucks. I hope that you both have smooth transitions to your new treatment and it blasts the heck out of those liver mets.
Mae...you ARE awesome and I'm happy for your good news!
Tired today. We opened a show last night (Rock of Ages) and working all day, then show, then opening parties are getting to be a little too much. Not sure if I can blame cancer or it's just because I'm old!!
Hang tough friends, got my CT tomorrow so who knows what the future may bring....
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Uh oh! Better pop in since Micmel name checked me a couple of days ago, LOL. I'm here. Not a lot to report. I am pretty sure my next onc appt is going to be bad. Just several things not lining up right. We'll see.
Gumdoctor and Grannax, I'm jumping in your pockets along with everyone else, and hoping the new plan works for both of you.
I read along and do keep all of you in my thoughts.
On the positive side, DH and I had our 36th anniversary yesterday. We had a nice quiet day.
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muddling~It’s only Because you’re one of my peeps and i care a great deal about all of my sisters. I always think my appointments are going to go wrong. Please don’t think that. Much much love and hugs.
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