My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
Comments
-
I feel sad that basically every woman I know, breast cancer or not, has something about their bodies that they wish they could change or be different.
I love my body and always have, but I am also self-critical when I see myself in photos or mirrors at times. I have days when I see myself as looking on point and other days when I feel like I look totally crazy and puffy and terrible.
However, I am fortunate to have been immersed into cultures where women's bodies big or small are revered and admired as beautiful. And from these experiences, I realize and remember that my body, no matter what share or size, no boobs, uniboob, reconstructed boobs or whatever we have, is beautiful and sexy!
My wish for us all is that we can find the ability to feel beautiful in our bodies ❤️ ♥️
0 -
Elle~Oh Elle~ i lost my father on May 11, I know exactly how you're feeling. Yes I do. I went everyday also. I washed his clothing and loved on him every single second I was able. I miss him so much. It was the first death of a parent and it hit me so hard. I hate death, I am astonished at all you've been through as well. As I sit here crying on my DH shoulder wondering how on earth I could possibly move on to another tx should I have the dreaded progression after 34 months. I don't even know if there is a correct word for what we even are. Crazy? Strong , for sure. Umm gonna think on this
Waving hello beautiful candy. Divine. Gumdoctor. Simone.... hello sweethearts. Mae. Tanya. Minnie. Blueshine Bella Rosabella. My runor. Friend🥰 loving you ladies! Philly. Yes you’re a beauty!! For sure
0 -
Hey all. I started a new topic yesterday. I wanted to post the link here and a couple of other threads to bring it to attention. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.
0 -
Micmel~
I am so, so sorry to hear about your Dad. I can't believe we were dealing with the same thing at almost the exact same time. I feel lost, afloat, more than anything. For almost 10 years so much of my life revolved around taking care of my Mom. It's left such a void. I always feel as if I'm forgetting something I should be doing. And she was always my friend, along with being my Mom. We were extremely similar people....sometimes that's not so good!!
To be honest, I also have a great sense of relief at times. I am able to just be sick when I need to and not try to act as if all is great. But I'd go back to it all in a heartbeat if I could. The progression hasn't freaked me out as much as I thought it would. I have an amazing oncologist who is part of the research team at a major hospital here in Pittsburgh. He is very positive and assures me we have many, many options. And even more on the way. And I feel good...still working full time and living my life. Heck, if I wasn't bald as can be I might not remember I have cancer! (JK!!!!!)
Take good care Micmel...we'll get through this difficult time. No one wants to but we have no choice. It's a part of life....crappy part, but one you can't escape. I feel extremely fortunate to have had the wonderful parents I did, and to have had them so long into life.
xoxo ~ E
0 -
Well said DivineMrsM. Although where I live, it is so hot in summer that all ages are in swimsuits. I think it is wonderful. This would never have happened in the U.K. Or Ireland, but in Spain body consciousness is not a thing
0 -
Elle~ wow when you said I feel a sense of relief because then I can just be sick, but I would go back and do it again in a heart beat. Resonated with me so much you have no idea. A lonely little tear escaped because I know how you feel. I came back from some estrangement and I was the one that rise above everything to be there for him. I did take care of him everyday. I walked him in his chair and we talked for hours. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I desperately miss hearing his voice saying “Hiiiiiiiii Boo!" And he would smile. He knew when. I was there he. Was ok. That i Would get what he needed and he had clean smelling clothing. The homes chlorine smells didn't appeal to me and I wanted his clothing to have softness and a touch of home. I would say. “I love you Dad..., he would smile and say, “ I love how you take such good care of me". He knew how I felt and everything that needed to be said was said. I miss him and picture his face everyday. My life has pretty much sucked since diagnosis. I realize also how much I value my mother as well, my brother and my sister as well. I never realized how difficult life truly was, I lived in some fog for 45 glorious years. I want to go back. I miss my life ..... then. I'm sorry for your loss as well. It sucks so bad.
0 -
Love you, Micmel.
0 -
Elle~Right back at you. Maybe you came back now because we know exactly what the other is feeling with this loss. I find that interesting.
So glad you're back!! Minnie~ hello lovely. I find it interesting that here all people worry about is being thin and rich. I guess sometimes humans can be very shallow. Until.... something kicks your ass..... then you’re not anymore
0 -
just wondering if anyone has heard from blainejennifer? Checked in to see how the Gemzar has been treating her liver mets and noticed she was last on a month ago. Thinking of us all tonight as I recover from a hospital stay for SBP. It’s such a tough road, so glad you’re all here for support ❤️
Jill
0 -
Grriifff~Welcome back sweetheart! I haven't seen her either. I usually see her around here and there. But not too recent. Seems we are always trying to find our sisters. It's a hard thing to just stop. I'm sorry you had to have a hospital stay. No one needs anything like that, when just waking up Is a challenge. I am sending you a hug of strength to help to get out of that joint. Much love friend. ~M~
0 -
Mel,
I’m in Bridgton, ME and it is hotter here than at home in Clearwater! Go figure! Just stay indoors...that’s what I do. This, too, shall pass
0 -
Elle sorry to hear of the loss of your mom.
candy congrats on stable scans.
Divine thanks for the pool invite. I love the water. Was raised on Long Island and my dad had a boat. My mom never learned how to swim but always showed up in beach wear ready for fishing or wading. In NY the beach is always cooler than inland. The ocean Is a tonic for me but I know some people hate the sand. I do pools too but if they look unclean I don’t swim. I need the vitamin D too.
Florida taught me to be outside more. No cold to combat every place has a/c. We explore and find new parks and quiet spaces.
Grifff I haven’t heard from blainejenner thanks for reminding us of her. Also missing Gracie Parry and Skitzblitz.
Take care stay cool
Tanya
0 -
Thanks for the pocket duty everyone. The results are in.... still stable/good. Not changing from tamoxifen to AI since current meds are working well and I’m on the pre/post menopausal fence. My MO is stopping my Xgeva shot since I’ve been on it for 2 years without any bone progression or issues. I’m waiting for my H&P infusion now but tonight I celebrate 🎉
0 -
Hi everyone, I hope everyone is doing ok. We’ve been busy this week visiting friends in the Midwest. I love my friends but it seems different now. Some of them don’t know what to say. I tell them I am the same, I look the same. I don’t feel sick, just tired all the time. I am sure others have noticed that too. Its sad.
Another topic: I love to go to the pool. We have a large one in our community. I used to be self conscious about my boobs as they are not the same size since my reconstruction. Now I don’t care anymore. I’m all about enjoying my time.
0 -
Great to hear your good results, illimae!!!
0 -
re bathingsuits & pools: on Hulu, there is a great new show starring Aidy Bryant (Sat Night live alum) called "Shrill." She is heavy and it is acknowledged as part of the story in the series. There is an episode that involves a pool party and I won't spoil it with details.... but it has a great message!!
0 -
The hubs and I watch Shrill too, good show. As for pools/beach, I love the water and being fat doesn’t stop me. Not brave enough for a bikini but I prefer vintage style swim dresses anyway. At this point, life is too short to care much for what others think of me, I know I’m pretty awesome 😉
0 -
Illimae- Woohoo !!!!! Alright !!!!!!! Good to hear of the stable scans. Celebrate !!!!!
Simone- I understand about things being different now. And Yes it is sad. I spent some time with my sister and her family today. Things just feel different. It is me, not them. I just sit back and listen to their conversation. And I feel separate. Different. They are gossiping about people they know, not mean gossip, not bad, just you know gossip. I am thinking to myself " All this doesn't really matter". "This is not important". "I don't care". And I find myself not really conversing with them, but sitting on the parameter. In my own world. My world of scans, MO appts, meds, side effects, conserving money due to not working anymore, following my BCO sisters. It is weird. Like I am still in this world, but not part of this world. Do others feel this way?
0 -
Illimae-- You are awesome!!!!!
0 -
MAE!!!!! Wooooohoooooo!! Congrats my friend!!! This is SUCH fabulous news!!!!
Doing a happy dance over here!!! 🙌🏽👏🏾🙌🏽🌈👏🏾💕💜♥️❤️🙌🏽👏🏾🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
0 -
Great news Mae!! And yes, you are awesome!
0 -
Candy~I seriously just got done thinking the same things you just said. Exactly word for word. Even if I have company, I still don’t even feel like I belong anymore. I am walking on the same peripheral zone. It’s amazing how much I exactly feel what you just said.
Sadly sadly so. I totally get it. Every single day! It’s heartbreaking. I walk the same circle everyday! I think sometimes I am loosing my mind.
Mae~ I’m thrilled for you beautiful woman. So happy. 🌹. I have always been self conscious since I was little. It was ingrained in me somehow being the only blue eyed child with blonde lighter hair, always the athletic thin one who was always center of attention. Not even realizing it, the something blew that person up with cancer. I wish I was more like you in your attitude and conviction. You’re amazing.
Elle~ hugs sweet woman
Gum doctor~ on my mind as well
Santa~ Hello lovely lady always good to see you back I miss you when you’re gone.
Simone~🥰 hugs and kisses
Divine~ hello and how is that porch?
Tanya~Hi sweetheart... Runor. Hi honey !
Philly~ hello amazing woman How are you beautiful today?
Love to all
Again candy——I honestly am feeling that exact same way and have been since diagnosis. I don’t even get into the conversation because I don’t have anything to say. Half the time I feel dead inside already or I’m on the verge of tears because of this angry disease I hate it... I’ve never hated anything more some days I don’t know who’s life I’m even living! I fell off the road to my life on January 22,2016. The map must not be available to get back, because I keep looking to try to find my way back again.
0 -
Yay Mae!💞
0 -
Candy,
Now that I think about it you’re right. It is me. I was sitting listening to conversations and wasn’t joining. I just felt what they were talking about wasn’t important.
Mae, so happy for you!
0 -
Good news, Mae! Cheers!
0 -
Oh ladies-- Micmel and Simone especially-- it is so nice to feel understood. I am sitting here at my computer crying tears of sadness and joy that you truly understand me. I don't feel so alone at this moment. I feel so alone most of the time. I am alone most of the time- as I live by myself. I don't belong anywhere anymore. Life is moving on for others-family, friends. But not for me. I am stuck in this cancer existence as life moves on for others.
0 -
Candy~Please know right now I have the same tears. The same sadness and I am surrounded by people. It just doesn’t matter. The sadness follows. Dreams awake anything MBC stalks us and puts us in a place of limbo and pause. While everything else goes on as normal. I have tears streaming right now. Yes I do. I wish I could hug you.
0 -
santa, I do love Aidy Bryant, just looking at her makes me smile, and havent checked out Shrill yet but will put it on my list.
We are on a different trajectory dealing with mbc, so I think we're bound to have some feelings of isolation. I've worked through a lot of those feelings, but sometimes the part that gets me are the times I can feel such deep appreciating for things: an incredibly tasty meal, a memorable activity spent with extended family, gorgeous weather....and those around me seem so caught up with insignificant things they miss the really meaningful ones.
0 -
waving to muddling and Rosie!! Hello lovely ladies!
0 -
Divine~I do try to take the time to enjoy the beauty. But then he sadness immediately creeps in to one day I won’t being seeing anything. I sometimes think I’ve worked through some of the emotions that I can’t change. But the clouds roll in again and here I kneel begging for anyone or anything to help me heal. I struggle with faith. I struggle with my health, family struggles. We all know.
Cancer is a place that only people with cancer have seen and understand. The smells, the sounds, the appointments that never end. It’s rather depressing. I try so hard to stay positive. But ugh!!
0
