My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Candy...I hear you...what you say it's true...but fears of death assail us only when we are not living fully in the present...in the present we are alive and usually well.
It's true that our minds tend to sway between the past and the future...that's why the solution is to be found in what we discount....the present moment...unless I'm in a lot of pain, I tend to not dwell on cancer...after all what can I do about it?
Try this experiment...become aware of your breathing...consciously breathe in and out for a while...soon you should feel serenity and inner peace....the idea is to stay there...be conscious of everything you do, while eating savor every bite as if it's your last, when you shower enjoy that warm spray of water that revitalizes and cleanses...when we lay down feel how wonderful those dawn pillows are when you squish them just the way you want...etc etc...soon you won't have time to worry about the cancer....you'll be grateful that Ibrance is working and keeping you well....and when the time comes to change treatment, you will...what's the point of worrying before that happens...it doesn't resolve anything, but can make you sad...
Right now...in my present moment my biggest problem is the number of cookies I’ve been eating....all that sugar is not good for me...right here right now....
Just a thought...
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Frisky- Yesterday I felt that. I posted on here about being comfy in my sweats and fluffy socks. My cat asleep. All was calm. Enjoyable Saturday. Thankful mood.
Today I was doing ok until I saw those pre cancer clothes and my mind went to moments in my past when I was unaware of cancer or death and wearing that shirt or that skirt.
My mood can switch in a moment anymore.
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And that's okay Candy...all feelings are to be welcomed...but then...don't hold on to them...let them go like falling leaves on a moving stream...and return to the here and now...sending you a big hug right now...but surely you can still enjoy those clothes?
My regrets are about the ones I can no longer wear because of my WEIGHT....all those cookies, pizza and cakes over the years do add up...to no good...
I keep on showing my friends this tiny winy French lace brassiere that I wore in my forties and can't wear anymore...they look at me amused because they know that cancer has nothing to do with it....cosmopolitans, chesese burgers and fries more likely are the culprits...
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Frisky, my car was totaled but I was super lucky. I opened my eyes, orienting myself (car was upside down and it was dark, omw to work) and crawled out of the shattered passenger window. Followed by an ambulance ride, brain scans and an anxious hubs at the ER. Afterward, I developed some anxiety about escaping death and that it would catch up to me (darkly funny now cause in a way, it has) but I still feel incredibly lucky to have lived at all after that day as I was sure I was a goner.
Today is a better day but sometimes those random thoughts barge in and kill a good mood.
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Frisky, it used to really bother me when somebody would say we are all dying as soon as we are born.
I am no longer bothered by that statement because it is true. While it is more than likely a cancer will take me out, other things can most certainly happen. That is why I choose one day at a time for myself.
There are several cancers likely to show up besides breast. My father had colon cancer, mother had lung cancer and grandfather had bone cancer. I must remember that though I am somewhat more likely to find these cancers earlier due to regular scanning, other things can happen. That's why I tell myself not to worry for myself and just live my life. Enjoy my relative good health while I can as well. Do things that make me happy now as I am largely the only one in charge of my happiness. I do not expect older DB and SIL to take on that role for me, just doing it for myself. Believe it or not, laundry makes me happy, housework makes me happy. Little bits of exercise do it for me. Watching Disney+ does it. So many old movies and shows I have not seen. Going to the new Star Wars makes me happy. Looking forward to my family over Christmas.
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what a story Illimae, Of course that type of traumatic event is going to leave long lasting memories...glad you made it out of there alive and relatively untouched....
I've been stupid enough ( but I honestly have no regrets) to have aggressively biked around Manhattan, getting back and forth from Central Park, like a daredevil for many, many years...and many times I have literally flown off my bike when a taxi stopped suddenly, or someone opened a car door unexpectedly...but I always managed to get up like a cat and to go about my business unscathed...then I go on letrozole, but I didn't know at the time that it turns bones in Swiss cheese and end up with two collapsed vertebrae....can't make this stuff up....
Mara, I totally get you...there's an old renaissance Italian proverb that my father would bring up from time to time..."nel domani non c'è certezza" he would say...that translates “ in tomorrow there's no certainty" and that's the truth...for everyone...sick and healthy...
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Frisky- My attitude is back up. I talked with my sister today about her daughter's 13th birthday this upcoming Friday and the party planned for Saturday evening. So I am not dwelling in the cancer funk too long.
The clothing issues are- yes weight gain due to age and chemical menopause meds for the cancer. But also since I had the mastectomy and not reconstruction so my prosthesis is not equal to the other boob. So some tighter fitting tops show the discrepancy in my breasts -size and prosthesis tends to ride up and they look unequal across. So I wear looser fitting tops now.
Also some clothes brings my thoughts back to an event or a time in my life when I wore them. And things are not the same now as they were then. Just the facts. So the sentimental aspect of some of the outfits is just too much.
I will give them to Goodwill and hopefully someone can get good use out of them and I can move on.
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hello all my beautiful friends!!
Thanks for the folks that were thinking of me 🧚🏾♀️🧚🏾♀️🧚🏾♀️💜💜💜💜💜 sorry for being MIA!! I have been anxious about big scan results tomorrow morning at MO appointment. I’ve also maybe had one of the busiest work weeks in a while plus my bffs birthday plus the 2 scans on Tuesday, blood work Friday...so a LOT happening!
It’s amazing, you know?!! Like there is a disease process happening in our bodies yet we can still do sooooo much?? Living pretty good lives as long as we are not sick in the hospital (moomoola hope you’re okay!!) or in severe pain...Mel, Mara, SondraF. Tanya my friend - I love your kind shares! Ruror love your storytelling! You are truly a gifted writer!! Frisky and Candy 💜💜💜💜💙 Mae wow that story was also so well told. I could really relate to the relationship to the craziness of that traumatic experience! I was in a terrible car accident 2 months before my diagnosis and I walked away. Car was totally wrecked. I can’t believe I survived!!
I feel like I’m going in for the “Big Reveal” of scans news. Argh! I usually like to have the info over the phone so I can mentally prepare myself. My lumbar spine MRI results came back quite abnormal with uptake in the marrow?? BUT...I had a similarly not great neck MRI result back in May and then a bone scan proved it to be old lesions flaring on the MRI or something like that. Anyway, the MRI results don’t sound good at all but I have to wait to see what the CT and bone scans I had on Tuesday say...I am doing everything I can to distract myself.
Hung up beautiful copper wire Xmas lights!
Am laying in my bed enjoying beautiful music and the dancing pretty lights!!!!
I’ll report back to my BC sisters...feeling unsure about this one...
The one thing I can say that is hopeful and optimistic is that we never know how we are going to respond to different treatments...a few zaps of radiation can put these buggers to rest for many years for example...I remain optimistic and hopeful that nothing crazy will happen too quickly. Trying to stay upbeat and not dwell so I’m doing everything else!
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Hi Candy, I know how hard it is at times to let go of things that are associated with people or the good times we had in the past...I keep a closet full of “just in case" type of clothes that I really love but can no longer wear for one reason or another...
Your Idea of donating and letting other people enjoy them is a good one, it also raises much needed money for charities...
Lovefromphilly, I hope the coast is all clear tomorrow with no turbulence in sight! Will be thinking about you...
I’ve managed to get through 3days of post Navelbine excitement without any constipation or neuropathy....maybe the Belgian box of cookies had something to do with it....maybe I’ve been in a sugar daze and not noticed anything...tomorrow I’ll be baking a focaccia with tomatoes and olives to make sure I don’t regress....
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Morning all!
Up and feeling recovered from Saturday's Recovery Day - I didn't make it to the flower market to get the tree, but OH went and took photos and picked one and brought it home. Then we went to the (farther) pub in order to get a walk in for me - note to self, MUST WALK every day cause wow was I feeling weak. He was a doll last night and spent two hours cleaning downstairs including vacuuming, mopping, cleaning out the fridge for xmas, cleaning out the cat's bathroom and changing their litter. Then he put the tree in the stand and stuck the lights on it and put up some of the other decorations while I sat on the couch and directed/cuddled with our snuggle-monster boy kitty. I helped him pull together a really nice dinner of salmon, some high-quality egg pasta, and sauteed zucchini and we watched the end of the Bears-Packers game. Pretty much a perfect evening together.
Tree isn't quite done but when it is Ill post a photo. Our order of Christmas (hard) liquor arrives this morning from Germany so its starting to feel a bit more Christmassy around here, although the weather has been very windy and rainy. And its my last week of work and then two weeks off, hurrah!
Philly - so glad you checked in, I figured it was just you out and about having a great time! There will be a massive party of us in your pocket for sure for those results - just the Christmas version! Whatever the results you know you have support here and you will be able to deal with it.
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Philly, I too am in your pocket, not just for results but also for the massive Christmas party we are all having in there. Turkey for the meat lovers, stuffing all the fixings. We have a fine Tofurkey for vegetarians and lovely salads and all the fixings. As Sondra just said, we are all here for you holding your hand if need be. I am glad you are enjoying your music and pretty lights.
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Frisky,
I feel like your twin. I am so addicted to sugar. I’m trying hard to eat well and stay away, but it’s really hard this time of year. Too many options for all things with sugar! I also really related to what you said about living our best lives. Someone challenged me because they said I say the word “cancer” a lot. They were not trying to come down on me....just pointing out that to dwell on it will not allow me to enjoy today. I thought it was an interesting observation.
Philly, reporting for pocket duty. Prayers for great scan results.
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Hoping for good news on your scans Philly!
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booboo we have to go cold turkey....there's no half measures with sugar... it's the most dangerous and addictive stuff out there...
Since the amount of sweets I eat keeps on going up...I know I can't have anything “for guests" laying around the house...the stuff turns me into an uncontrollable five year old..this weekend was particularly bad..
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I did something a couple of years ago called the "30 day sugar detox." I really did feel *lousy* in the early days of it, I guess due to yeasts and things dying off without sugar... brain fog, crabbiness etc. Then by the end I felt very good. But the first few weeks did kind of have a "withdrawal" aspect which matches the use of the word "addiction."
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I reduced my sugar by stopping myself from putting it in my cereal. I still eat dessert and bread. I haven't given it all up. I lost about 7 pounds by doing that for myself.
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Hi Everyone,
I am still feeling liked warmed over crap so I'm staying in bed this week and hope to kick this pneumonia out of me. The antibiotics are keeping fever down. Let's hope it stays that way because I only have two more days of the Z-Pack. My fever zoomed up to 101.3 yesterday. I'll see my PCP later this week for follow-up but wow. Whatever this is, don't get it. Definitely feels like the flu but it is not because I was tested in the hospital. They diagnosed it as pneumonia and of course then there's the progression in my lungs. So angry about that I cried in the shower this morning. Just when I was done my friend Lee called me and said she told her doctor where she can put Piqray. She's been vomiting every single day since starting it six weeks ago. Oh boy I can hardly wait. We talked - she was upset too and doesn't know where the doctor is going to take her next. This disease is just a bummer.I keep thinking about Afinitor and Piqray. Why are they using that when it raises your blood sugar so much??? Doesn't cancer feed on sugar? I do not eat a ton of sugar or breads, although I will never turn down Ghiradelli Dark Chocolate.
My DH, daughter and daughter's boyfriend will cook Christmas even dinner for the family thank goodness. Now I just have to finish decorating this tree and wrap some gifts. I have never been so far behind for the holidays. And you know what - I do not care. I am not going to bake, I might not wrap these gifts. We shall see what my body feels like letting me do.
I'm rambling. I don't really have a fever today, just ultra tired and achey.
Philly sending a big hug.
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Philly I’m here with the rest to give you support for all the anxiety waiting in that call.
Sugar is unfortunately part of my diet if I bring it in I eat it if hubby brings it in he eats it. We’re losers in this battle. Crave crave crave. Went to a grad party yesterday ate a brownie and took home 4 pieces of assorted chocolate covered butter toffee candies. Ate them all last night. So far today no sweets it’s 1:58 and I’m having a late lunch with a BC friend and former supervisor. Wish me luck
Tanya
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hello everyone!
Moomoola I am sending you lots of healing energy!! I’m so sorry you’ve been down for the count for so many days now
pneumonia is no joke!! I know it sucks but keep resting as much as you can. I heard there’s a new great bingeworthy show on Netflix called Virgin River. I am excited to check it out!i am back from my appointment and here’s what is happening with me:
So we are still in the realm of the unknown. My MO apparently has been ruminating himself into a circle over my scans.
Because nothing is clear enough to make a decision, he's ordering a pet scan with hopes of getting more clarity.
It appears that there is quite a lot of activity in the lumbar spine in the bone marrow. And also two new spots on the sacrum and the iliac bone right side.
They think I must have a high pain tolerance. And that the exercise and high activity levels are doing me great and helping me stay out of pain.
I am taking a break from the Ibrance so my WBCs come back up. So more blood work to be done to check and see how they're doing. And to pay attention to if I develop any fever or illness since they are low right now.
Let's see what else...
They are going to do another genetic testing of the original biopsy tissue sample to check for the PKRAY mutation.
We need more information and more tests basically.
So it's a limbo thing again.
The great news is that there's no activity in my organs! Yay!!!
Thank you so much for you all your kindness and lovingness during this somewhat nerve wracking time.
It's all another example of how we just continue to gather information so that decisions can be made. Lots of ups and downs and this and that.
Love and hugs,
Phill
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Philly,
Well, I have to say that that's a lot of info -- at least sort of. It is SOOO frustrating when they can't really tell you stuff. I get that too from my MO. She has told me "bones are hard." Well, yes, but they should be able to figure out some of it.
But at least it sounds like your additional testing may provide good info for moving forward, and a clearer decision making path. Congrats on no organ involvement -- that's terrific.
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thanks Bevjen!! Love to you too!!
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Philly, sorry you are still in limbo, happy as the others are that there is no organ involvement. Also happy your exercise has helped you in the pain department as well. It certainly does seem like a lot of peaks and valleys for sure. Hope more information arrives soon for you.
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Moomala,
You stay in bed and get well. Put the gifts in a brown paper bag with a bow on it. Tell the recipient that’s all the energy you could muster (probably not far from the truth, huh?). I hope you feel better soon.
I also told my onc to shove the PIQRAY. I would swear that she was getting a kickback on the stuff if I didn’t know better. Then I kicked her to the curb because she insinuated that I was being a big baby about the side effects. Some women seem to tolerate PIQRAY just fine after a couple of weeks of minor side effects. Others, like me and your friend, cannot tolerate it at all. I don’t understand why my oncologist, knowing we are all different and react to drugs differently, treated me like I was a hypochondriac when I explained I was done with it. Oh well...onward.
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Philly,
You have a lot going on. It's good news that it didn't spread to any organs. Enjoy your break from treatments. Do you have to wait for the insurance approval before they can schedule the pet scan?
Moomala,
Hoping you get better soon.
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Laurie that is absolutely awful. I have already told my MO that barfing will not be part of my repertoire here. My friends MO has been treating her just just like yours. Telling her that all her other patients are tolerating it very well Anyone reading the Piqray thread here knows that’s not true my friends MO wants her to have a brainMRI because of the vomiting on Piqray. Well my friend has a strong reaction to a strong drug. And some people don’t mind some daily puking and nAusea. Not me. Onward indeed.
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Hey Philly, thanks for letting us know how it went. The unknowns are puzzling, especially if your MO is also stumped. I guess you’re just special?! Good for you for being so active, especially for the benefits relating to bone mets. I hope you can carry on without too much stress and worry until you get a decision on what’s next. For me, my sleep definitely suffers when my mind is too busy. Thinking of you. 🌺
Moomala, I’m so hoping you can rest up now that you’re home. Your family will certainly understand if not everything is up to your usual standards. Your DH and kids seem wonderful. They obviously will do whatever they can for you.
Frisky, Tanya, Booboo, I’m a sugar addict too. I lost some interest in sweets with a bad cold about a month ago and have been trying to use that to break my habit, at least somewhat. I sometimes wonder if this sugar habit was related to my cancer diagnosis. But after a few seconds I figure, too late to spend energy on that thought.
Santa, I’ve heard of the 30 day detox. Did you just go cold turkey? In general they say if you can do something (break a habit) for 30 days, you’ll be able to continue without much effort. Some of my coworkers wore wristbands to remind themselves to stop complaining for 30 days. Good goal, I guess, but my closest coworkers and I believed more in the power of venting!
Sondra, your evening with hubby sounds perfect.
Candy, How are you today? I’ve gotten rid of lots of clothes lately (Salvation Army). Most because of gradual weight gain and some because I wear almost all casual clothes now (retired 2 years) and figure there’s no need to keep old dress pants and tops. I watched a few Marie Kondo shows and not much of my clothes brings me joy, lol.
Tanya, Hello! I often feel ready to get home before I even arrive at social things. Tomorrow I have a ladies holiday party in my neighborhood. I appreciate the effort of the hostess, and enjoy some of the neighbors, but am not really looking forward to it. DH wants me to get out and go. No guarantees how long I stay!
Mara, I enjoy your posts. Hope today is a good day.
Mel, Hello, join us in your living room when you get a chance. 😊
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Rosie, I did it cold turkey and it was bad for 2 weeks. Then the final half was fine. I stayed off all sugar for a long while and then have added occasional sugars back in after my treatment was done, but more of a once a month treat, and it has not been a problem to keep it at that level.
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Hi all. Another busy day here. To the church for the voluntary secretary thing this morning. In the cold rain mixed with ice pellets. Then on the phone with insurance company this afternoon. I am changing to a different insurance carrier the first of the year and I was checking if all my docs take that insurance. Not a lot of answers. Most doc offices said "probably" and to come in for appt, give copy of card, and they will bill and see if pays. I went online to insurance company site and clicked "find a doctor" and typed in my doc names and nothing found. I called the insurance company and they could not help on the phone. The rep said the company is new and they are still learning. !!!!!!! VERY COMFORTING. I went with COBRA and my employer was changing to this new insurance carrier for all the employees. Fun Fun.
Moomala- Get better soon, my friend.
Philly- WOW. Gotta love the uncertainties. Hang in there. In your pocket for the PET---when scheduled? Insurance approval first, I guess. How low was your counts to hold Ibrance? My ANC runs 900-1000 after my week off and we continue the med. WBC 1.7-2.0 at end of week off.
Boo- Good for you firing your onc. How dare she treat you that way. Maybe she needs to get cancer and have to take those pills and feel sick. Bet she would be singing a different tune then.
Rosie- Go to your neighborhood party for a while at least and have fun.
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Rosie, thank you, I am having a good day. Waiting for a fast food delivery as we speak. Looking forward to it too.
Laurie, I love how sometimes our MO does not pay attention to SE. Fortunately, my MO was good when I reacted badly to Taxol and Taxotere. She did not try to minimize SE or tell me SE did not exist.
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Hello Ladies~ my best friend in the world got me an early Christmas present and I have been wanting it for a long ass time. But never just did it She sent it to me as a gift. its amazing!!!
I love everything.... quality products and I am finding use for them all. My beautiful throw blanket that I put on my shoulders and lap while I’m sitting and reading or watching tv. The most luxurious smoother balm I’m ever used. Going to try it on my cracked ass feet. But I was so touched. It’s an amazing gift. Philly~ so glad to SEE you and I’ll be taggin you in a few days. I’ve been down with a bug this weekend. Felt lousy.
Mae~ beyond thankful you’re ok from that trauma. Wow.
Rosie~ Hello. Good to see you.
Frisky~ hugs to you and good advice. The holidays make me so gloomy somedays and like a little elf others. It’s a battle everyday.Tanya~ Hello beautiful
BooBoo~ yeah puking everyday wouldn’t be my thing either!! I don’t blame you one bit.
Moomala~so glad you’re home! Rest up sweet woman.
Candy~ Hello! Hope you had a good day!
Dodgers girl~Hello sweetheart!
I am back into the bed to sleep this bug off
hello to anyone I’ve missed 🦠! Yuck0
