My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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OK, I'll post it then if you don't mind it but try to limit the verbal diarrhea. I was just feeling like I was going on and on. I am happy I did it and I am not particularly sore. Just did my cubii elliptical for a couple of hours. NO long walking today.
Your son living at home is a tough one and I totally understand what you are saying about not wanting to kick him out.
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Ugh, gotta vent. So, you know I love DH and he built us a wonderful cabin but he didn't use any written plans, it was all “in his head". Now that we're packing up the house, I want a real idea of where my stuff will go (bed, dresser, etc). Not too much to ask I thought but he's being vague and says “we'll figure it out", WTF?! I handed him my layout for the bedroom and he tells me there “might" be a wood stove vent near the head of my side of the bed, where I had a table to go. I told him to at least draw up where the bathroom and kitchen will be. This should be interesting.
FYI, I'm getting some wine, right now!
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Micmel, I've been away for a bit and dropped by the living room to find you feeling blue and despondent. And feeling a little...stretched...by a 24 year old at home. Allow me to share my experience and please forgive if this is a repeat.
Daughter was still at home at 22 and was a horrid cow to live with. The clashes, the FIGHTS, the emotional and mental brutality was off the scale. I began to hate her. She hated me. I resented her. She wished me dead. I remember the day she said that if I got cancer it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. (a few years later I DID get cancer!) Like, it was UGLY around here. I didn't want to kick her out either but it reached the point where I had to admit that nothing in her actions, nothing, said she wanted to stay. A person who values where they are, values what they have, values the gifts they are given would be acting much, much differently than daughter was. Her staying or going, her being kicked out or not had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. I had my line that had been crossed and crossed and had she pulled her head out of her ass and become a grown up, I'd have been happy to have her here forever. But her head remained up her ass and it occurred to me that me not wanting to kick her out was crippling her. I was the equivalent of Chinese foot binding, being so kind, so caring, so giving and so responsible for her failure to grow up and become an adult. So I kicked her out.
It took months.
Every conversation, good, bad or ugly had the same ring to it. "Hey, Honey, I fed your horse and filled the water but you need to get another load of hay, it's pretty low. Get out." "Kid, here are your clean clothes, I'm putting together a load of whites if you have any. Get out." "Dinner is at 6. Get out." Honest to god. I was full on broken record. I quit worrying about the overpriced really gross places she looked at to rent. She had a nice place and great parental support here and chose to be an asshole. Her choice, her consequence, there you go, shut up, get out. I would lay awake at night and feel bad. Maybe she'd move out and feel scared, alone, unloved. TOO EFFING BAD! She had every opportunity, every warning, every clear expectation spelled out and she screwed every one up. Well then. Why am I laying in bed at night feeling shitty over her stupid choices? That was on her. It took me a long time to wrap my head around that. She wasn't 18. Neither is your son. He knows better. You know he knows. He is simply NOT valuing what he has. If he did, he'd step up his game. But he's not. You might not want to kick him out. But maybe n some level you know it's time you did. For him. For the man you hope him to become.
Even after Daughter moved out we had many years of brutal clashing and I finally realized my own fault and blame in that. I set myself up. I had to know who she was but I had to know who I was and I am someone who gives freely BUT..I also want to be appreciated. I will bring a gift to someone who values it. I do not want to throw my pearls before the swine. I would do something nice, extra, kind and loving for daughter and....it was like I did nothing at all. If I said something, she'd blast me for being a bitch trying to manipulate her into false gratitude. False gratitude? Well. There was a dose of the truth I needed to chew on. Yes I did want her to show me gratitude. I did want to know that I made a difference in her life. I wanted to know that what I did mattered. And she was absolutely NOT going to deliver on any of those things. Then we'd fight. And hate each other. Then one day I realized that I needed to STOP THE INSANITY. Next time she asked me to clean her house, I said no. Or look after three horses that she wanted to truck over, I said no (I took the fence down!). Or drive to her place and take her stupid dog for a walk. I said no. I felt mean. She felt I was mean. But I was no longer resentful. I did not deliver my help, I did not expect gratitude and there was no issue between us to fight over. If she accused me of being a bitch I'd just shrug and nod. Yup. A bitch mom who has helped you for many years, without thanks, and now, to keep the peace, will no longer help you. Because ingratitude is bullshit that I do not tolerate. And it's the bullshit she always dished up. Stopping that cycle was up to me. She was free to ask. And I am free to say no. And I do. And we get along so much better now! Now if she comes for dinner she jumps up and clears the table and puts food in fridge containers. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAUGHTER!?!! I am always clear to say 'thank you, I appreciate your help, dishes go so much quicker with a little help.' Because all the years she lived here she wouldn't do an effing thing to help. I had to get out of her way and let her grow up. The fault was mine.
It's hard, Micmel. Empty nests are so very empty. I miss my daughter. But I also am proud of who she is proud of how she stepped up into looking after her own shit. I can die knowing that she's going to be okay. There is nothing more a parent can ask for. She's okay because I shoved her out of the nest and stepped out of the picture. It's about where I end and she begins. I hope this makes some sense. I am rambling. Hugging you hard in this sad, difficult time.
Hi to all!
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Wow, Runor, I’m so sorry you had that struggle with your daughter, and I can’t even imagine how hard it was to let go. I’m so glad you have a better relationship now. You were strong when it counted. Setting boundaries has got to be one of the hardest things to do.
Mel, I hope you can have some peace soon. I feel really bad for you right now.
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KBL~It seems like things are okay one month and then it just pops open with crap. Boo Boo is right Tag's death was my trigger. Absolutely without a doubt. I loved that dog and I still cry every single day about it. Two weeks only today and it feels like a year. It reminds me that I am still grieving the loss of myself. Of the person. I knew for 45 years. I so much appreciate your sweet post. More than I can express on a posting board. When they say crap rolls down hill they ain't kidding . Ever since my diagnosis, I feel like Dh and I are the crap catchers. He's so loving and kind. He's deserving much better. I'm helpless in that realm. I am who I am now and that's that.
Runor~hello darling. Good to see you always. I remember your daughter and how hard it was to get what you have now with your relationship. I just wish I had the energy to fight that battle. I don't have the mental space or physical energy to dance that dance. I need peace. I just need him to get it. Why wouldn't he want to move out? Feel that freedom? I guess if I think about it I would have never left my mothers home, if she didn't move away. I didn't want to go, so I figured out my shit. That may be the answer. Selling the house. DH retiring and selling this big house we no longer really need. Although , we do use the space one way or another. I have my own bedroom because of my terrible sleeping habits and my restlessness and his awful snoring. So that's one bedroom. My Dh's room two. Office. Three already and when his son is out of college for breaks. He has his own room four. My sons room. Five. He's just old enough. Now to begin to be on his own. I just don't know how to light that fire without ruining a relationship I want and need in my cancer ridden life. I have a close circle of people. I can't afford to loose my sweet son. I just need him to act his age. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it and see if we can brain storm . His real father wasn't really good growing up. He's felt some loss with my sickness. It's upset him . I'm his closest person in life. Love , parenting, and being terminally ill do not make for great days. The kicker is. I'm doing so well. Yearly scans now. Rare for stage four. Why can't I be happy about that and live? I can't shake the grief. I don't think he can either. I'd imagine DH and DD as well.
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Micmel, you are, of course, perceptive as always. One big issue you face that I did not is your health and your son might feel all sorts of conflict about leaving you. He might worry about you alone in that roomie house. This complicates things for sure. Mind you ... when Daughter finally moved out, there were those moments when she called me with all the questions we needed to ask our moms. Like, what's the difference between baking powder and baking soda? ( a ditty that helps me remember, in baking, Powder Puffs and Soda Spreads. Fluffy high things get powder, to puff them. Flatter things, like cookies, get soda to spread them out!). Maybe the approach you need to take with son is that he should move out now while you have the energy for those phone calls. Those desperate appeals to mom on how to...boil an egg! I remember when mine called howling that she really should have listened to me when I warned her to always replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out! Now she was on the toilet, in serious need of toilet paper and it was down the hall in the closet! No, I did not drive over and fetch her toilet paper, even though she suggested it. Do the waddle of shame with your pants around your ankles, you dummy. She never left the roll holder empty again! Life is what happens when mom isn't there to save you. You are right now a resource to your son. He should get this stuff figured out now, while you have the energy for it. The energy to explain why his borwnies burnt or his laundry smells bad. If you have someone to talk this over with that is an excellent idea.
KBL I had some horrid times with my daughter. I had PTSD by the time she left. It became that desperate. Then after two years of being on her own she moved back home! I was against it and she swore she was an adult. Uh...no. The moment she was under my roof she turned into that ugly, spiteful, hateful 14 year old again. When I finally got her out a second time I swore, that was it. Never again. I don't care if the world ends. She's not moving back here. She had not one but TWO chances and she botched them both. We NEED some space and buffer between us. We're like those fighting fish that can look at each other calmly through glass, side by side, but put us in the same bowl and someone is going to die. I battle myself, because I feel my mouth open and my opinion sneak out and my opinion is like a fart in church. No one wants that! She asked me to come clean her house and as much as it is dirty and makes my skin crawl and I would have liked nothing better than to clean that shit up, I know my mouth would have opened and out would have come "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS ISN"T HOW I RAISED YOU! GOOD GOD YOU LIVE LIKE A PIG!!!" and then the fight would be on. So I derailed the whole misery by declining the invitation to clean. See? Getting smarter all the time!
She and new guy were over the other night for dinner and cards and she was telling me that he did something that makes her crazy and she said, "Then I opened my mouth and my mother crawled out into my kitchen. Yes, mom, I was you. The exact things you have screamed at me and dad over the years, I screamed at him. Because it was scream or kill him. Oh my god. I am my mother!" And I just smiled and nodded and said nothing but in my head, I was gloating.0 -
Runor, I can’t even imagine what that’s like. It makes me think once and if she has a child, it will then make perfect sense to her. She will get it then. And it seems she is starting to get it just a little bit now.
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being a parent isn’t fun. Sometimes I think if I knew how difficult it would be. I may not have done it. Just being responsible for lives. It’s difficult for sure. You try everything to be a good parent and role Model. He better get it and soon. I don’t want it to turn ugly. Not a chance.
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Mel, I don't have children but in observation of what my own Mom did as a single mom in the 70's, she did amazing. I could not imagine myself as a mother even when I would have been able to have children. Too selfish for that. I think most parents out there are not given credit for what they do day in and day out. I hope things settle for you and your son soon.
Myself, just walked over to pick up prescription, took just over an hour. Used my UV umbrella due to having developed a rash on Saturday's long walk. Wore my UV sleeves too. The wee bumps are itchy but I am able to resist using fingernails to scratch. Decided I did not like it. Probably will go out again but for now, am just chilling out. An older fellow was walking and saw my umbrella, asked me why I was carrying one in the sun. I was rather annoyed as I don't see what business it is of his, should be obvious I don't want sun. I very bluntly told him I did not want to have skin and breast cancer at the same time. He apologized and I said not to worry about it and told him to have a good day. I just could not imagine asking a stranger a question like that.
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Mara,
I never had children either, but I don't think it's selfishness as much as knowing what you do and don't want. I never had a maternal instinct and don't feel bad about that. I just knew that children were not something I longed for. Have never regretted my decision either.
Like you, I have the utmost respect for Mom's and Dad's, and am so amazed at how anyone can juggle parenthood while working. It can't be easy. I am in awe of those of you that could do it. There is not a ribbon big enough to praise parents for what they do.
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I mostly don't regret my decision now because I would not want someone to watch what I have been through. I also was not mature enough to even consider children. Only had one time I thought I was pregnant when in my early twenties. I worked at a medical walk in clinic and used one of the pregnancy tests before they opened and thankfully was negative. My niece who is almost 30 has also made the decision not to have kids as well. She has known since she was a teen she never wanted her own kids and there is nothing wrong with that, my DB and SIL have never pushed her for grandchildren. She may change her mind, but if not, she still has a good partner at home as well. They enjoy their independence
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hi everyone, I'm back from our week getaway. Dh & the kids did all the work, I just showed up and puttered and yet I still managed to put my lower back out at some point - sigh. We boated and lazed around. We had some good weather and some miserable weather (rain & huge winds) which is kind of how it is at that lake which sits in a deep long valley and gets all sorts of weather. One year we were there the storm overnight was so bad that our tent was collapsing & we had to hold it up and strategically place the dog crates to support the tent poles; my mom was camping with us and her tent DID collapse and she & her dog had to escape to spend the rest of the night in her jeep lol. This year wasn't that bad luckily though it dropped to 5C overnight for a couple nights which was colder than we'd been anticipating. We've made many memories camping there & in our other favourite spots. Dh & I have camped at least once a year for the whole time we've been together...which we think is since 1986 or 87 ..we're not quite sure anymore, haha, and once the kids arrived they have always gone with us.
My adult kids both live with us; real estate in Vancouver is so crazy expensive that I pretty much forbid them from moving out & wasting their money. We all mostly get along well so that helps and I no longer look into the rooms they occupy and if I see a mess I just close the door and walk on ... honestly I'm messy so they come by it fair and squareOk, back to post camping laundry and unpacking. I feel like I could sleep a week. I've already been back to bed for a lie down once but I really need to get some stuff done.
hugs everyone. Passing around some vegan hot chocolate with Dandy's marshmallows
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Illimae,
Wow. Your hubby built a cabin with no plans? That's pretty impressive. I would be asking those questions too. Hope you enjoy your wine.
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Here it is but “subject to change” he said, repeatedly, lol. Not sure why the bathroom is so big and the kitchen only 2x4 ft, I guess it’s gonna be a fun surprise.
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Mae, that sounds like my kitchen size too. Very compact indeed. I am sure you both will be able to make some good food there.
Moth, glad the trip overall went well. May your back get over the camping. My mother did the same thing when I kept a messy bedroom. I was terrible with clothes, just tossed them on the floor when my hamper showed back up. My mom stopped folding my clothes. She should have just made me do the washing instead.
I also agree that real estate in Vancouver is crazy, I just don't understand how people on disability or low paying jobs find an affordable place to rent. London prices here are even going up. I was luck to find an 800 per month apartment with utilities included. It is very tiny but in a lovely neighbourhood, old houses, some fancy houses too.
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Morning all.
I cannot chime in about children as I have had none. Not really sorry about that. I don't think I would have made a good mom. And I never wanted kids. Just not my thing.
But I understand family issues. I had my new MO appt yesterday--Monday. I go to appts alone, always have. I got an unexpected call from my BIL Sunday night. He wished me well for my trip (traveling to new MO now) and appt. But, then when I said something about only so many MBC meds out there and I was worried about progression, he said he understood. He said he has switched BP meds 3 times and still having BP problems. And that there are just so many BP meds out there too. I just let it slide. This was the night before my appt and I was nervous enough. I thought "He just doesn't get it, and never will. So why waste the energy on him".
I posted a long recap of my MO visit on the Ibrance Thread. You can go there to read it. Long story short, they possibly see a new liver tumor (small-7mm) and we are going to do an MRI on Oct 10 to get a better look. No change in treatment as of now.
I am tired from the stress and the long trip yesterday. Doing laundry and chillin today.
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Candy~ hopefully it's just a cyst. There is also another type of spot it could be, when I had my problem they I Italy thought it was this. Forget the word. It was benign my luck it wasn't that it was a tumor but it. Could be for you. Better to catch early Even with my tumor they We're going to leave me on ibrance as well. I just had another doctor intervene on my behalf. About the tumor on my liver. Thank god for him he saved my life. Gave me many more years I may not have had. And still going . I always thought I'd be a mom But just a mom that could handle It. Getting sick wasn't part of the plan. Not at all. Changed everything for everyone. Still does every day someone if effected. DH. , my son, my DD myself. Which some Days I dislike.
Mara~ Your apartment sounds perfect for me! I would just want a small area to keep tidy and neat while not having too much to do. With low energy. I think your set up sounds awesome I love how you describe your neighborhood so well. It's raining here today. No walking for me.
Mae~How awesome is it you're looking at your plans for your cabin (Little late). At least he's open for suggestions. Compromise on the kitchen. Maybe he thinks you are going to be very dirty and spending a lot of time in the bathroom lol. Either way I think It will be so exciting, I still can't get over the view. You go girl. Take critter cam pics again!
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Hello all
Welcome home Moth. So happy you got to make memories with your family.
Candy hopefully your Oct 10 will be easy on you. Do you have to travel the long distance again? I’m in your pocket for that MRI. Sending you a big hug.
Mae your DH has a sense of humor. I can’t wait to see the real kitchen. And of course hot tub placement
Weathers changing a wee bit at night here. waving hello to all
Tanya
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Candy in your pocket for your upcoming appointment. I agree with you not pursuing the comparison your BIL made.
Mel, it is easy for me to keep tidy. When I went shopping today, I stopped at a dollar store and got some pretty bags that I will hang using nail in picture frames, couple near my dresser to keep extra things in and such. I may take the bus back this afternoon to have another look there. I was very bad and bought some laundry stuff.
The walk is usually about 35 40 mins as I am not a super fast walker. Getting there was fine, getting home proved a little more difficult as I had a knapsack on my back with milk and a couple of cans of stuff. My dollar store bag had the bags and laundry supplies and was draped over left forearm. I was a bit leaned over and when walking home, I was definitely moving slower and more effort but just kept pushing. I am no athlete but will always make it home. I am feeling good now.
On another note, we have been declared to be in our second wave of covid in the province I live in. Too many people partying when the bars opened up and school went back in session. Most of the new cases are under 40. Not too many in my city but panic buying has started for stuff like TP and paper towels. Neither of which I use, microfiber cloths all the way for me for everything. I did score more rubbing alcohol and some extra hand sanitizer, was buying 1 or two per shopping trip over a number of weeks so I have quite a bit Not sure why we have the panic buying, our supply chain never slowed down and grocery stores have the hang of imposing limits on items. I went earlier to make sure I could get what I wanted. I somewhat feels the news paints a more dire picture. It makes for good ratings, I just want to hear the numbers, if we are going back to stage 2 or whatever. Obviously, don't go all over the place, mask up and clean hands. I don't need the whole newscast dedicated to covid. There must be other news.
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Tanya- Yes I will be traveling again for the MRI on Oct 10. Want to get it done at the same facility as the CT that suggested it. That is where I will be going from now on for my scans. So they can see them on their equipment and computer program and can compare apples to apples.
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Moth~Good to see you and hear you were doing something fun! Nothing like being with family... very glad to see you! Hugs welcome Home!
Waving hello to Tanya!
In your pocket candy! Sorry you have to travel for it. Glad when it’s done!
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Mel check your mailbox Friday! I had to make up a name for you, so I did!
xox SB
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that is so very thoughtful. 🥰🥰🤗 Mel was correct. Lol so if you used that it should be fine. I would have given you my name lol. But how thoughtful thank you
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Hope everyone has a good day. In anyone’s pocket if needed. Thinking of you all You wonderful ladies.
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Thanks for that Mel, I just got on the train to the H for my 4 month CT scan. It's such a weird thing to be wrenched out of a normal workday to go think about my mortality. At least I remembered my book today.
But we have Swedish meatballs and braised red cabbage for dinner to look forward to so it'll be OK.
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Sondra~Nestling in your pocket with treats.
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Thanks Mel! I hope you have a wonderful day too.
Sondra, in your pocket for scans and results. Glad you’re feeling good enough to carry on with work and put medical stuff out of your mind between scans. Although I read a lot here I’m pretty relaxed until the next scan too (ignorance is bliss). Dinner sounds delicious.
Candy, I hope you’re feeling ok today after your Monday with scans, MO, and all the driving. Your MO did seem to minimize your palliative care question. I thought treating MBC was partly about QOL, which does not include difficulty sleeping due to pain and chronic pain. I wonder if asking the nurse for help, as Shetland said, would get the MO to at least refer you to another rheumatologist who would treat you. I had a similar experience with being shown scan pictures at my last appt. MO was showing me area in my lung which supposedly is radiation damage. I had no idea what I was seeing.
Had end of cycle labs today but no phone call (unless too low) with results with my newMO. They operate on no news is good news, so I’m just supposed to assume I’m ok to restart if I don’t hear from them. I’d rather get a call but will see how it goes.
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Rosie~ my Onc is the same way. No news is good news. I’m sorry that you have to wait at all. I know it drives me nuts waiting for results. I’m sure I’ve annoyed their office a time or two calling and calling.
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Thanks everyone, H was easy as could be and I am doing my pre-dinner recline with a cat.
Since they don't allow family in due to covid it is so much quieter and almost pleasant. I mentioned how quiet it was to the tech and he said they were operating at 65% capacity only even now. But they got me in and through and out the door in 20 minutes.
I did have to laugh at the question of when was my last period - about a year or so ago.
I can't imagine they are as backed up reading imaging as last winter so hopefully the MOs will call (with good news) before scheduled appt in 2 weeks.
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Sondra~Glad it went quickly for you today! In and out. That’s the way to do it..... good news call. Vibes...... Recline away.....just chill. Enjoy your dinner!!
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