My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Hey BevJen--- Did I miss your IR appt results?
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Hi, Candy,
I think I only posted on liver mets. Had a Telehealth with him on Tuesday. He said that he sees a small new lesion in the right side of my liver (what the eventually received final report of my MRI said) and so, without prompting from me, he said "let's go and kill it." So I am scheduled for a microwave ablation on Oct. 19th using sonogram. He said that IF he can't see it when he gets me in the room, then he will do a chemoembolization -- bc he uses dye with that, he'll be able to see it. Either way, it's getting blasted. So now just waiting to see if my MO wants a biopsy at the same time -- again, provided that my IR can see the tumor. I've recently had a blood biopsy, so not sure if my MO will want another tissue biopsy right now, but we'll see.
Not sure this is the choice that everyone would make (as I've been reminded, in order to go into most trials, you need a tumor for them to follow, and the rest of my stuff is in my bones, which don't usually work for trials). But I'm of the whack-a-mole school and would rather have it gone than sitting there in my liver. My MO said she'd be back in touch over the weekend, but I know she's not gonna like this. I didn't bring it up with the IR -- he went for it.
Thanks for remembering -- you keep an amazing list of appointments!
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I vote for the ablation as well. I had a a tumor in my liver as well at first. They went in and did a liver resection. He basically fondled my liver he said. He checked it from end to end. It was a tough surgery for me , but ablation is the better way to go. Good luck to you!
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Mel,
I didn't know that you had had a liver resection. Yeah, I had an ablation in July 2019, and it wasn't too bad -- I was down and out for 10 days -2 weeks. I can handle that if it kills the little bugger and any of its nearby friends.
Thanks for your wishes. I'll need that luck!
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BevJen, I'm thinking of you. Sorry, I don't usually read the liver thread. I'm glad Candy asked. I don't have a very good memory when people are having scans and tests.
Candy, you rock. It's so sweet of you to write everything down and ask.
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BevJen- Glad you are having the bugger zapped. I guess zap is the right word. I do not know too much about those local treatments, except what I read here. We, of course, do not do those procedures in my local area. Maybe at my new cancer center???? I will have to ask. When I was found to have the liver met, there was no talk of zapping it, or liver resection, or any local treatment for it, just systemic treatment with the I/L.
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Candy,
I think "zap" is just fine -- it's the word I use to describe the process. They basically put probes into your liver and release heat that obliterates the tumor. Then they pull the probes out and literally put a bandaid on your abdomen on the tiny spot where they went in.
I didn't know anything either about local treatment until I started reading about it here on the boards. Then I started my own research. My MO at the time I was diagnosed with liver mets said "absolutely not" to local treatment -- that, and some other stuff, caused me to switch MOs to my current one, who is at a large center.
Most MOs are much more focused on systemic treatment like I/L because breast cancer is a systemic disease. And local treatment, although used in many other cancers and metastases, haven't been traditionally used in BC. So I don't think most MOs would come up with it by themselves, and I think that even when you come up with it, many are skeptical about it.
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when I first found out about the liver met , I was also just tolD take this pill and it will address this also. Then I came into contact with a doctor that was like. WHOA!!!! you're 45 we need to do this That could be a big deal. Well it was and it worked. I am so glad I did it. I feel blessed I was placed in that doctors path. Getting that liver met out is a big deal. People Can live a long time with just bone Mets. I always say push push. It's your body. I only had one and it was as big as a tip pencil eraser. And in a location that was easily accessible which I'm sure has something to do with it. But I would ask no matter what I like mo's that think outside the box. Not the conveyor belt treatment. Individual treatment. Treatment we may want to try.
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booboo, glad the infusion treatment was not very long for you. Hope the SEs are mild and the cancer is killed.
Temps are cooler here and I've had to turn up the heat a few times now at night, but the aspens are turning and so pretty. My picture doesn't really do them justice. Hoping the snow stays away for a long time.
I was able this week to have lunch with my best friend this past Monday and breakfast out with another friend yesterday. It was nice to get out in the fresh air now that the fire smoke has subsided.
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Bliss that is beautiful.... I hope we are able to have a a fall. I remember one year it snowed on Halloween. It was heavy snow and it was canceled. I'm sure this year because of Corona virus.they will cancel it again, They won't do it because of that. Glad you saw your friend. Nothing like gabb for the soul !
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BevJen~it was quite a surgery. They chose that in case there were more that he could feel. There weren't. Thank goodness. I have a scar for all scars with 35 staples because I had a mastectomy the same day. I was in the operating room for 7 hours. My reconstruction operation was the worst of all. 10 hours on the tAble. It was painful like crazy. They used my own skin. Just moved it. I don't know if I could do that one again and I consider myself strong. I'm glad yours wasn't too bad. That makes a big difference with recovery...
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Wow, Mel, that sounds crazy. The microwave ablation takes less than 2 hours -- quick and relatively easy.
My bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction in 2003, on the other hand, was hell on wheels -- that one was about 8 hours. So I can relate. But you've been through a lot. Wow.
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crazy would be a good word to put it. I was supposed to be placed in ICU, my liver doc Laughed and said we didn't even need life support. (Because I only Breathe on one lung) so my one lung carried me through the surgeries. That's phenomenal, before diagnosis I ran and worked out alot and and my pulmonary doctor told Me I had one lung that worked like a mans lung and was extremely strong. It's hard now for me with the masks, I can't breathe well and it makes me feel very ill. So it's not something I enjoy. I need oxygen or I'm doomed . I'm a walking night mare. Some of my problems, were before diagnosis because I was injured. Thus the loss of my lung. But it's made having operations difficult, not a lot of doctors will agree because of the breathing risk. And lung problem. They have to have a. Life support machine on hand. Just in case.
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Hello, Mel and Everyone!
Bev, I posted on the liver mets thread.
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Shetland~ Hello there friend. Good to see you. I hope you’re doing well.
Today I was listening to music just random songs. Some make me cry , some make me think really hard about how absolutely no control we have over basically anything. We could be some scientific experiment and we are the ants and they have the sticks and syringes, I think to myself honestly. Am I happy? No , I can’t say I am. Not with my personal self and life. My body is destroyed I’ve lost all my libido? I’m 50. I do nothing all day, I can’t work or make any more money than I can bring in. I’m a shitty mate, who can’t do heavy cleaning all the time because of how I feel. What the heck good am I? Make a mess and sit and watch television. ? Even television I find myself starring ahead thinking what kind of life is this for my Dh either. He didn’t ask for this. He deserves to be happy. If I’m not happy with this wrench in our love, how could he positively keep up with it all? I feel like I am alone stranded in familiar place with all the same people, but they look at me different and I am different, each and everyone of my relationships have changed. Every single one. Not to any of purposeful intent. Just cancer makes you hardened. At least it does me. I’ll hear something someone is talking about and in my mind I’m like. “Well that’s simple. Or that’s like nothing. “. Then I think of my death sentence and I get mad over and over and over. The hardest things to some make me shake my head. I don’t need stress and I don’t want people in my life who cause it. I need to be carefree for whatever time I’m lucky to get. I don’t want Anxious life worried all the time. And that’s exactly what I got.
“If you want to hear god laugh tell him your plans”. (If there is one). I wrestle with that.
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Mel, wow, I knew about your liver, but I don't recall hearing you have just one lung. You have been through a lot! I chose not to have reconstruction cuz after mastectomy, I just decided I couldn't do any more surgery. I do mourn the person I used to be. I couldn't even think of working now and it takes so much effort for me to get anything done. DH and I went out to lunch today at a restaurant where we know the owners. They're about to sell and retire. They don't know about my cancer. I've only told a select few outside my family just so people wouldn't treat me differently. The woman, thinking about what she'll do in retirement, asked me what I'm doing. Hiking? Heck no, I can't anymore, but I must blame that on my ortho problems though they are worse because of these damn ed cancer drugs. I told her I just mostly hang out at home, and I'm watching lots of TV, too. Felt sad to admit that, though I do enjoy not having to get up early in the morning or be at work each day. It was such an effort today just for me to unload the dishwasher, strip the bed and remake it. I get the idea I'm gonna do so much, and then I end up doing none of it. My libido is gone for 5 yrs now because of this damned dx and I feel bad for my DH, too, though he's understanding, I lament it's all just so unfair for all of us. Life just plain sucks sometimes. Reaching out with a big virtual hug!
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Bliss~thank you. It helps to know you understand and I'm.not alone. It's such a shit stew. Round and round in thick mess... some days we can barely make it. I'm the same way about saying all I'm going to get done. Zip! I just can't move it seems. My body is fighting against me. Getting up takes such effort. I know how you feel.
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Mel- I feel for you. I too am 50 (well going to be in 12 days). And I do not do much but be at home. I am not in the workforce anymore. But, I think my issue is mainly Covid. If Covid had not come, I would probably be volunteering somewhere a couple of afternoons a week. I was doing the food pantry thing and the church secretary thing before Covid. Now, I feel like being REALLY cautious in public and do not want to do those things with Covid and now cold/flu season. With your lung issue and Covid, is that the reason you stay at home? Can you think of something you would want to do, say a couple hours a couple of times a week? I know you have your mask making projects. But sounds like you need something to give you a purpose for getting up. Something to look forward to. Something you could come home and share stories of your experiences with your DH. That would probably help him too-- seeing you engaged in something and finding happiness.
I know we cannot hold down jobs anymore, as Bliss said. But, maybe, this is the time for hobbies.
My problem is I cannot find a hobby. I cannot sew (and do not want to learn). I don't cook (and do not want to learn). I love to read. And I do read a lot. But that is a pretty lonely thing to do. I do not garden. And I am alone, so I do not have a DH to try to get me involved in something. It is just me.
I think about this a lot. What do I do today, tomorrow, next week? Is my life just passing me by?
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Candy~ even though DH is here he a flurry of activity. I am not. I can’t travel far ( don’t want to because of the comfort zones I must have) and yes because of Covid. It makes just running to a store an effort. I fear getting sick with that. Don’t need that at all. I understand your feelings. Boy do I. I’m alone a lot and I get so stir crazy with myself. I find I’m the same way even when people are around This disease has lost my ability to relax. I’m always on edge. Filled with worry. Anxiety comes easier. Having people around does help. But they are busy too Cancer is a lonely life. For caretakers also I know my poor Dh does so much.
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Mel, I am sorry about the energy level, I can sympathize myself overall. I don't get up feeling like a ball of activity either. I miss my previous fitness level where walking was not a struggle. I do a lot, but it is a struggle.
Yesterday I was feeling really exhausted and nauseated a bit from the Herceptin on Wednesday. Then out of the blue I got into a major depressive mood, crying my eyes out and everything that bothers me came out, my mom being gone, being alone etc etc. I decided that today could not be like that. My original goal for today was to walk for an hour on my treadmill. I did do that but then thought I wanted to go to Walmart to shop. The closest Walmart is 7 miles away roundtrip. Walking there was OK, took it slow and steady, smaller steps to keep it easy. Slowed down my breathing. I also had a lot of water before I left as well. Got a few groceries, trying to be careful not to make them to heavy. Stopped at a burger joint on the way home to fuel up and made my way home. Still doing slower steady pace, same breathing. Other than the lunch, I did not allow myself to rest. I had done this walk last year with a lot of rest breaks but felt today that it would be detrimental. I just pushed it.
Overall it was very difficult on the way home, but I feel that if I do not challenge myself while my body allows it, I will waste my time that I have left. I will say I am not in the best shape, very chubby and I think it is stubborness to keep going that makes me do it Not sure how my feet will thank me tomorrow, but that will be tomorrow. No more exercise today, need water and possibly a cookie. Might have a big nap once I cool down and stop sweating. Already took off my wig.
For anyone wondering how I do it, it's mind over matter for me. Just one step at a time and I am not in the best shape ever either.
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Rainy here today. Nothing thrilling. I’m getting annoyed with the postal service and fed ex. It’s like they are sleeping instead of delivering. Things getting lost. No updates to tracking numbers ? Is it just me ?
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No Mel, it is not just you. I had a problem getting something I ordered from the US here. DHL was the shipper and it stayed in the same spot for a month in the US. I got a refund from the company as it appeared nothing was coming. The funny thing was, I received the item two days later. Tracking info should be updated regularly so we know where stuff is. Mine appeared lost in the mail.
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Micmel, I hate to see you feeling sad and alone in this, I know it sucks but you don’t owe yourself or the world anymore than you got extra from day to day.
Had a mini meltdown today while unloading packed items into storage. I grabs a kind of heavy box, then look at what I labeled it “Babies: sarge, maizy, fat, marge, edith, biggie cremaines”, just cried, couldn’t help myself.
Busy with a little more packing this weekend.
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Mae~ today tag came home. In his gorgeous box and with his little paw print He’s home with us now. But I can feel your pain. Boy oh boy can I ever. I’m sorry and I’m sending you a huge hug.
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Those are beautiful, Mel. I’m sorry for everyone who is feeling sad and lonely.
I have my days as well. I don’t know how I would feel if I didn’t have my grandbaby. He came at just the right time of this crappy disease. I watched him quite often after he was 12 weeks old, and I still watch him once or twice a week. I go to my daughter’s house and visit often. He gives me energy. I’m so grateful for him and my husband and daughter. I also have my one doxie left, and she’s only 2.5 and very energetic. She grumbles at me if I don’t play with her.
I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better, but I know it’s the listening that counts. I am giving you all a virtual hug.
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I wish there was a way you could hang cancer uplike a coat. Even just for a season or a few days. It's so heavy to live with Struggling as we do. It's hard. Hugging you all
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thanks KBL, I am not usually feeling like that all the time and exercise usually helps me avoid the worst of it.
Mel, I agree, hang up the cancer for 6 days a week even and leave only one day we worry so much. That would be great.
I have also decided to stop constantly posting about my walking here. If anyone likes following it, I will post more on the Stage V fitness thread. I feel like I just take over. Deleted one of my overly long posts.
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Mara~Personally I find your walking inspiring. Shows you what grit you can pull out if you try. I need some of that grit. I have to work. Double hard on keeping my relationships nurtured or they strain. I don’t have that energy. Mentally or physically. I need peace and serenity. My son will be 24 and still lives at home. He’s a mess. He just doesn’t clean his room. It’s a pain in the ass. I don’t know how to light a fire under his ass. I don’t want to kick him Out either. What a shitty situation!!! Ug
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Mel,
I am SO feeling your pain. I hate to see you get so low. And I don't agree that you are a shitty partner. You are such a giving woman....you probably have no idea how much your DH loves and cherishes you. Men are not the best at saying what's in their heart. You have made my day more than once by your nurturing words, and I know you show your DH the same kind of love only with more intensity. I think Tag's death has made another difficult time for you, so let yourself feel the grief. It's really the only way to move forward. I just want to relay how very special you are to all of us who participate on this thread. You have much left to live for, and I'm praying that you find peace so that you can see that.
Big hugs.
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