My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Booboo, I’m so sorry about your sister too.
Thank you, everyone. I appreciate you all so much.
Just sitting here pondering today, I have definitely made up my mind that it’s quality over quantity. If at any time this journey gets to be too much, I will say I have lived a good life and I’m done and ready. Thankfully, that time is not yet. I am going to enjoy every morsel of a day that has sunshine in it and goodness. I am going to enjoy my grandson and my husband and daughter. I know they will understand when it’s time. I am so appreciative that what I’ve had has been slow and allowed me the time to do things. Thank you, again. You are all my rock.
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Mae, glad the gamma knife went well.
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Mara- Glad the MRI is done. Now, for the wait.
Mae- Good the gamma knife is over. Rest.
Well, I am back to the every hour hot flashes. Picked up groceries curbside, went to pharmacy drive thru. Light housecleaning-- vacuum. And walked on treadmill-- 1/2 mile in 20min. 2pm and I am done for the day. Only TV and reading now for the rest of the day.
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KBL - so sorry about your brother. Virtual hugs. Cancer and COVID - 2 “C” words that stink, especially together. They both change family dynamics and make life miserable.
Mae - those pics were just the beauty we needed to see!Wishing all a peaceful weekend. 🐾
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Ok feeling pretty sad right now.
I got a call today from an old friend/co-worker. I haven't talked to her in a few months. She still works at my old workplace. We talked maybe 20 minutes. She was venting about the workplace- you all know what I mean. I listened and responded where necessary. Then she asked for an update on me. I think I sounded pretty upbeat. Gave the update. I asked her about how she is doing, her family, etc. Then I told her I have been having dreams about the workplace. That she was in 1 of those dreams. And named some other co-workers in my dreams. Told her I missed the place.
Like I said, we talked maybe 20 minutes. She ended with "Maybe I will call you again sometime". I told her "please do". I doubt she will call.
I just feel like things with us are not the same. I had been to her house in the past, we worked together, went out places together on our days off work. Now, there is an uncomfortableness. Did I upset her when I said I missed the past? Is my cancer upsetting to her? Is things just not the same since I don't work there anymore and cannot share the gripes about the boss or the job?
Just brings to light another loss from this DAMN CANCER. I am 50 years old. She is older than me by a few years. And I am no longer in the workforce. I sit at home. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK !!!!!!!!!!! I want to be there to work with her, gripe about the company, etc. I WANT MY LIFE BACK DAMNIT !!!!!!!!! DAMNIT !!!!!!!
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Candy, I am sorry the call brought up more about missing working. I miss working too so I can empathize with that. I don't think you did or said anything wrong, maybe she will call sometime. I definitely agree about wanting our old lives back, I want my life back too before this as well. Cancer certainly does rob us of precious time that we could be doing other things. I am glad to hear you got in some time on the treadmill. I would call her another time in about a week or two and ask if she would like to set up a video chat with you or something so you both can catch. Put the other stuff about the cancer or not working there out of your head. Nothing you can do about it and she did call you, so there is an interest there I think. If she does not get back to you, keep talking with other friends. Keep the people contact as much as you can, even virtually. I belong to a few different facebook groups since I don't often get together with friends. Some of them are quite fun.
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so can totally relate to everything you’re saying Candy. I am deeply sorry because I know inside how maddening it can get. You weep and cry it seems like it comes with triggers. For me. Sadness. Loss. I am standing next to you in exactly the same place. You’re not alone
Mae~Beautiful pics. Thanks for the beauty.0 -
Mel, I am standing with both you and Candy as well.
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Here’s a pic one of our friends took out at the cabin with a camera much better than my phone. You can see why we find such peace and beauty there.
So many stars ❤️
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absolutely stunning. Anyone would love it there.
Thank you Mara.
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KBL - I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Cancer sucks and it is such a shock that it can go undetected for so long.
Booboo - I'm sorry about your sister. Hoping for a false alarm or an early - and treatable - catch.
Mara - glad your scans were quick and uneventful - and that so was your walk both ways.
Mae - glad your procedure went well. I love your close ups of the Monarch butterfly on the flowers - truly beautiful. And your friend's pic is awe-inspiring - all those stars. I can imagine just getting lost in that sky (figuratively speaking).
Candy - I'm sorry you're feeling sad about your former workplace. It will be so much easier to move forward when we aren't held back by this COVID crap. I don't miss my workplace - at all, since it had become so stressful, but I do miss our formerly active social life. This sitting at home, for the most part, is for the birds.
My daughter (far away) told me she hasn't been feeling well all day - splitting headache, run down, and gastro a little off. Of course, my 'mom alarm' is pinging, but hopefully she's just having an off day and it's nothing to worry about. She has (moderate?) asthma, so I can't help but worry a little more these days.
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moth - I forgot to say thanks for the svaha link - even the leggings have pockets! - and the podcast list. I have two podcasts that I've listened to, but I'm always looking for a good lead.
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Thank you, Goldens and SeeQ.
Mae, just beautiful.
Candy, I am thinking of you. I so hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel for this pandemic.
SeeQ, I hope your daughter feels better today and it was something easy to take care of. I can’t imagine being far away from my daughter. It’s got to be very hard.
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Mae, beautiful picture and scenery must be so peaceful there.
SeeQ, I too hope your daughter is feeling better today as well.\
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Thanks guys.
I just felt like hitting something, throwing something after that call yesterday. Not angry at her. Angry at the cancer.
I have been thinking, since the call. We (all of us) read, research, learn from each other about our cancers. We advocate for ourselves with our MO's. We try and try. But do you ever feel like "What is the use". "What will be will be". I have faith in God. I am a Christian. But I am human too. I know we have mentioned on here about faith. And I do not want to deter anyone from having a relationship with God. But, sometimes, I just feel like I am along for the ride. In the passenger seat. No control. If I am meant to get Covid and die alone on a vent, then that is what will happen. If I am meant to die from the liver mets, then that is what will happen. Why fight it. Of course, I will continue to fight. Isolate to keep away from possible Covid. Read and discuss options with MO. Take the treatments. But am I just on a path that is already decided?
Sorry. Just thinking aloud. Like I said, I am glad I have a relationship with God. I know my future home is Heaven. But, as a human, I still have these thoughts.
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I agree Candy who doesn’t have those thoughts. I struggle with belief as I’ve put out here several times. It is a struggle everyday knowing this time bomb of life is ticking with each day. Look at my friend. Bam. Brain aneurysm. Gone immediately. I am a believer that something somehow created the world. That’s about all we all know. But we still have to get up everyday with a black cloud over our heads. Just simply because it’s always in the back of our minds. At least in mine , it is.
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Mel and Candy, the cancer is always in the back of my own mind. My mind must have decided it could not cope with cancer and normal everyday worries I have. I am definitely a worrier and always have been. I am not in denial but I largely forget about the cancer. The cancer and the covid are just realities for me so I can deal with them a day at a time. My brain just wired itself that way, I don't recall changing it consciously, perhaps it's the subliminal messages in rain sounds I got off youtube that helps, who knows. I listen to those overnight.
Having said that, I still have to work on not getting upset about perfectly normal things like getting tired sometimes on a walk or something. It turns into a hamster wheel of I'm tired over and over. I find I have to actively distract it so I don't make the walk miserable for myself. Sometimes I just put on a mask and lipsync the songs I am listening too or verbally encourage myself (quietly) but tell myself I am conquering and banging out the walk, usually helps with that. I still have trouble getting myself moving, no different than anyone else in that aspect. Lack of motivation at times can be very annoying.
I am not doing much today, will walk at least half an hour and probably pedal my cubii eliptical a couple of hours and make money playing games. I also am listening to Christmas music for cash. If a device is not helping my budget, it is not doing its job. Helps me pay the bills a whole lot which is important as disability is paltry and affordable housing would be years away. I like my neighbourhood now anyway, hoping to stay here.
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just popping in to wave hi. I've been watching netflix and doing a bit of gift wrapping. My anxiety is sky high & I'm pretty blue. I hate waiting for the radiation (esp with Christmas delays & shut downs for statutory holidays...I worry it will all drag on for ages), I'm worried that my liver has progressed, I hate the Abraxane neuropathy side effects. I bought yarn for a new knitting project but I'm worried I won't be able to knit with how sore my hands are. I'm just all bleh.
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ARGG! Just missed the first snow at the cabin by less than a week, so bummed. I hope it snows again when we get back. Here’s a pic a neighbor sent.
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It's pretty, but Oh Mae - without a heater or a stove/oven - not likely very comfortable.
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Minus, I know and don’t forget no wall insulation yet and a homemade outdoor shower, brrr.
Here’s a pic a neighbor took from our deck.
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Yikes Mae! 🥶 but your’s and friends pics are Fab!
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Booboo and KBL, Sorry to hear of your family health crises. It’s so hard to know loved ones are dealing with serious illness. KBL, for your brother’s sake I hope he doesn't have to suffer long. Booboo, I hope your sister’s breast cancer is treatable.
Mel, Sorry to hear about your friend’s sudden passing. What a shock.
Candy, Mel, Mara, interesting discussion on our states of mind with cancer. I had a feeling of dread when I was first dx, suddenly being afraid to plan anything too far ahead for fear I wouldn’t be here by that time. I’m coming up on 2 years and have relaxed a bit since scans have been good, but now I’m afraid to jinx everything by feeling too positive. Day to day, I think I’m more appreciative of normal, boring days than I used to be. Another day to live life and feel pretty good. I do feel like I’ve aged a lot physically due to the meds, or maybe it’s just nature.
Moth, thinking of you. 🌺 The mental part can be worse than the physical part.
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gorgeous! Mae.
Hello Rosie~!
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Here’s two more taken at the cabin. Stars and the bluest blue bird I’ve ever seen.
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Thank you, Rosie. I appreciate it. I agree, I hope he doesn’t have to suffer long. He’s, for the most part, by himself. His son is out of state. Hospice comes in, but I can’t imagine he’ll be able to stay alone for long. My sister went to visit him today, so I will know more after she lets me know.
Mae, beautiful pictures.
For all feeling down, I am thinking of you. I totally get it, and it’s true, the emotional part can be almost worse than the physical sometimes. Hugs to all.
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Rosie,
Thank you for thinking of her. I'm hoping and praying that whatever they find is benign. This is the sister who has been there for me in every step of my journey. I will do the same for her if it turns out that this is cancer.
Hi to all.
Mae, incredible pictures. That bird is the bluest one I've ever seen too. Just beautiful.
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BooBoo~Sending your sister hugs and hopes it’s a cyst only. I’m so sick of people I care about having to deal with bad things. We are all due for a good streak. No more crap or sadness. Only appreciation and thankfully I am still here for this holiday as well. When I was diagnosed I didn’t know how many I’ve had left. January it will be 5 years. Diagnosed for me. That’s a milestone ... so sick of everything cancer. Hugging you my friend.
Hello to Rosie. Tanya. Candy... Mara...Bev Jen. KBL.. and others. Happy Sunday.
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Just popping in to say hi. I follow the thread but don't post much here. Some of you are familiar. I just wanted to share the solidarity. I think the struggle that is life with cancer can really only be related to by those of us who live that path. I was really down last week. More than I have been since my diagnosis. I had a melt down trying to pull the Christmas boxes down. I just am so tired and so sore. I just wasn't really feeling like decorating at all this year because it has been such an enormously horrendous dumpster fire of a year. I started by putting out a candle. Baby steps, right? So my tree is still in the box in the laundry room. I caved and hired a friend of a friend to hang lights and so that will happen Wednesday. I decided I'll put the tree up then too. I am angry at cancer. God. People. 2020. I have a hit list of things I'm angry at. Like a few of you mentioned I miss my old life and I haven't really rebounded from that yet.
I don't know how to live this new chapter. I'm having to do things one day and sometimes one thing at a time until I figure it out. I just committed to myself that even on the bad days I'm going to hang on to those good things. Even if it's just being grateful for my couch and a warm blanket. I think this community helps. Sometimes just knowing I'm not really alone. Others out there know how hard this is. You get it. Just having that knowledge helps too.
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