My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
Comments
-
Bev-Jen - I am so sad you cried. Sometimes it can't be helped. I am glad the cancer is stable, I feel that at least gives you a chance to address some of the back issues from another angle. I hope you get some sleep. I went to bed early after all the gory blood stuff, at 10 and thought I would read for a couple hours (my normal bedtime is between 1 and 2 a.m. I am a night person) but I was in the bed at 10 and asleep by 10:07 and slept like a log. Emotional exhaustion will do that. I know you are still in pain but I think overall this is news that is hopeful, or at least something can be done with it.
Elderberry, I am in the Shuswap area. Indeed terra incognito. Weekend emergency scans? They don't happen. You can walk into the nearest ER with your severed arm in a baggy and they'll tell you to take a seat.
Moth, yes, it was quite the unexpected event. I have NEVER dealt with blood like that. It was off the scale. At one point I felt a gusher coming, dove for the toilet, the clot hit the floor before I could straddle the porcelain. Blood spattered in every direction, it was everywhere. More was flowing out of me with such force that it made splashing sounds and that is when Hub entered the bathroom, saw the scene of the crime, threw his hands up to his face and screamed like a little girl, "WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!!" I was mopping up blood while still on the toilet. I had no answer. I have never experienced this and I used to have BAD periods. Bad. My poor vagina, that ER doc had a hydraulic jack, flashlight, pliers and mop and bucket up there. I still got blood all over the floor.
Was lucky to get in to ultrasound today and it said my lining was 1.7mm thick. I had no idea if this is good or bad. Doc called to say that I show thickening of the lining (he said 2mm) and he wants me to have a biopsy and I might have a fibroid, but not certain. So now I wait for more pokey, icky, crampy tests. I usually have a serious problem with vaginal exams and have managed to avoid a pap for at least 6 years. Doc tells me to make an appointment before I leave and I just leave, no appointment made. Bad me. But after the whole bleeding all over floor, bed and doctor, I think I'm kind of over my squeamishness. At least this time I will be able to shave my legs because I was pretty neglected looking with my bristly legs and socks with holes. Bleeding everywhere. Not my best moment.0 -
runor, yes please, get over the squeamishness! get your pap! but also for all these tests, it's ok to tell them you're super uncomfortable and you need some extra time. Or maybe you don't want extra time, maybe you just want to get it over and done with fast? Whatever you think you need ... tell them you're not comfortable with it & have issues because IME, gyne folks are pretty keen to follow the pts lead because they know it's hard for many.
&I can legit say that pretty much every healthcare provider will tell you they pay not attn to hair or waxing. Never. Only thing you notice is piercings because sometimes they need to be removed for some exams. Body fluids or hair never bother anyone who works in gyne or family med or emerg. Only time body hair comes into focus is when you can't visualize a rash, or get heart monitors to connect properly, or when removing sticky dressings from hair. Otherwise it's just background noise. Do whatever you feel comfy with.
I hope your tests are not as traumatic as you're fearing. Sending some tea & cupcakes your way (takeout only in our lockdown lol)
0 -
Moth, my city is back to being more restricted again as well. I really wish they would just keep places closed, vaccinate the people who are causing the uptick in infections which are actually younger than 30 due to the variants. I still have no idea when I will be done. I honestly think my province is a joke when it comes to roll outs.
0 -
BevJen~Glad your bone Mets are stable. I’m looking at the good side of the report. One thing at a time. Now you can focus on the other issue now at hand. I wish you nothing but the best with this. I hope no surgery is needed and that pt would help you. Sending you a hug.
0 -
runor: I have never been squeamish with blood; mine or someone else. Vomit ( that is another discussion) Please please please --- just go and get checked. Easy for me to say but please just suck it up. Delaying won 't chance the result, but it could change the outcome.
0 -
runor: I realized my post sounded flippant. Slicing off the tip of my thumb ( I did that!) is not the same as profuse bleeding from "somewhere" internally. I apologize most profoundly. I would be completely freaked out. Please follow up.
0 -
Elderberry, no apologies required. Everything everyone has said is perfectly sensible. I took no offense at all.
0 -
Runor~ thinking of you and hoping you’re doing ok.
Good morning ladies. Pocket duty for anyone who needs it!
0 -
Runor, I am thinking about you too. Hope you have an answer soon.
Morning to everyone here or just reading.
0 -
My daughters fish. Watching her lol
0 -
That is nice to look at Mel, glad you are enjoying.
I just got back from a walk, first of at least 3 or 4 that I will take today most like, very sunny.
0 -
Hello all.
I just got back from monthly Port flush and Lupron shot. Had to have the clot buster last month on the Port. Today got blood return just fine.
We have a new locally owned bakery in my neighborhood. I had not been so I thought after getting poked I would drop by and get something. Got a turnover and a cookie. Have not tried them yet. But I probably won't be going there much. Cookies are $1.50 each. The turnover was $1.75. And the cinnamon rolls are $5.00 each!!! Maybe some of you in larger cities thinks those prices are ok, but too expensive here and not on my budget. And the staff was not wearing masks or gloves. One worker handled my cookie and turnover without tongs or gloves. Was hoping for better prices and service since close to home and I am a sweets freak.
0 -
Candy, the best cinnamon mini donuts I have ever had come from a food truck dubbed the Donut Diva. They are heavenly and only 5.00 for freshly made dozen mini donuts. Trouble is I don't always know where she will be on the weekdays. MIght phone sometime.
I am just sitting around feeling depressed and sorry for myself today even with a couple sunny walks. Think it is due to being lonely and not having someone to really talk to.Hoping more walks will make me feel better. Gonna order lunch, eat it and take more walks instead of staying home feeling sorry for myself. Nobody can do anything for me but me, it just makes me sad that I cannot share these feelings with anyone in my real life. I just struggle to wonder why I put myself through all the treatment, side effects etc since all I am is alone. I just am tired and wish I could go sometimes.
0 -
Probably just as well, candy
Sometimes I stop at the fancy cupcake shop after my monthly H appointment and two cupcakes come to £6.40, or almost $9!
0 -
I came to Mel's room to check on BevJen and Runor. I am sorry if I forgot anyone else because I haven't read all the posts.
BevJen, I am happy to read mets are under control and no progression. Everything else will have a solution. No progression is good news.
Runor, I hear you having a hard time having gyn exams. I am the same way. My friend told me to take a painkiller before gyn exam. I wish you a smooth exam and good news.
Mel, I love your daughter's fish. He is so funny with his suspicious eye staring at the camera. My 13 yr old has a beta fish that is so happy to see me because I am the only one who feeds him.
Some flowers for beautiful ladies in this living room.
0 -
Bad day for me here emotionally. One of those days I feel really lonely and depressed. Pandemic does not help this either. I have no friends to really talk to. My phone friend is helpful but otherwise, there is no one. When I feel this way, I wonder why I bother continuing with treatment just to be alone. As said, thanks to the pandemic we keep being put into lockdown which does not allow to meet people. So today was a lot of crying at home, then making myself go for a walk. Cry more and nap at home and then go out walking again. The only time I stopped crying was when I was walking. I finally stopped this afternoon. Planning just to go to bed earlier and hope tomorrow is a better day. I don't tell my family due to not wanting to be told to take depression drugs which will never solve my core issue that I have sometimes about being tired of taking treatment for a disease when all it means is to be alone ALL the time. Just tougher to deal with. I deleted previous post mentioning my day but decided to tell the truth of what I struggle with a lot here. Thank you for listening.
0 -
Mara- I am so sorry you are alone. We are here, but I know that is not the same. I understand alone. I have friends, but friends are not the same. My friends talk about surface stuff-- news, weather, etc. Not feelings, worries, fear. For example, a friend called me tonight about something else. I told him I had a yucky day--- shot this morning and just felt icky this afternoon. Fatigue and slightly nauseous. He knows about the cancer. He said "Well we all have those days." He is healthy and living life. He doesn't understand cancer or what we go thru. And maybe he doesn't want to understand too much. My family is worthless with my illness. I want to have my family to rely on, but that is not happening. Not at all.
I wish I could help you mara. But in this area I struggle too. All I can say is we (I) am here and you are not all alone. You have us. Your virtual friends. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
0 -
mara and candy, I GET it! I'm so sorry you're both having sucky days. I'm having a rough day, too. You'd think with "stable" scans yesterday, I'd be on Cloud Nine. I'm not. I'm glad I'm stable, but I feel like, "Now what?" I shed a few tears on my way to my blood draw for tomorrow's appointment with my MO and my Zometa infusion. My COVID test was negative, but that was no surprise.
I don't want to tell anyone else how I feel - what can they do? I do tell my husband and he's kind and supportive, for which I am thankful.
Anyway, here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day for all of us. runor, I can't get you off of my mind. I'm hoping your situation gets resolved very soon.
Hugs all 'round. I'm having Merlot and Skinny Girl Popcorn tonight while I watch a Hallmark Christmas movie. My "adopted" son (he adopted us - YAY!) thought it was called "Skinny Bitch"! hahaha - works for me. That's what we call it between us.
0 -
Hang in there Mara and Candy. Mara, I know it is tough now but you seem like a likeable person. If you lived near me, I'd be calling you to go out for walks and coffee. There are a lot of people out there looking for friends-it's just a matter of finding them and connecting. Maybe once the pandemic restrictions are lifted you can try some meet up groups to find likeminded people-I know you are into Star Wars. I have been really lucky with pickleball. I've actually made a lot of new friends this year-we have all been playing together outside and have slowly gotten to know one another. Some of these people have cancer; others have been through other difficult situations and "get it." Don't give up now-maybe just start thinking of things you'd like to do after you are vaccinated. You have a lot to offer the world. Candy-good for you for trying the bakery. It's those little things that bring some joy and zest to life. I went back to church this week-it was weird with masks and no singing but nice to worship with other people.
0 -
Mara,
My dear girl, you are breaking my heart. Don't you know how much I need you to show me every day how brave you are by your incredible example? You get up and walk more times than I can even think about it (you are probably in incredible shape!). We would not be the same group without you....you are that important to us....to me.
I think we are all lonely in our own way. As much as I love my sisters and as much as I'm trying to reconnect with my husband, I'm still alone in this journey with MBC. Only my sisters, here, truly understand me. How could anyone else understand what we go through every day? Some days I marvel at what someone goes through, like Runor's recent nightmare. But every single day am I reminded of the courage and incredible fearlessness I see in each of you. I simply do not know how I would be able to function some days without my friends here.
Mara, I'm sending love and hope your way. This Covid craziness will one day soon be in our rearview mirror. Please think about new beginnings--whether that's an art class, joining a book club, pursuing cooking classes, etc. The sky's the limit. I will try something new if you do
0 -
I sometimes think we are the experiment in someone's huge Petri dish. They poke us and prod us and make us move about while exposing us to toxic gases and environmental issues, our food supply and hormones to keep them hearty and lasting longer is given to us . Sometimes I feel like this is no world. It's all just too much to take and It never seems to get any better. If anything , now with covid , its worse. I feel that way more than ever. I don't even know if I'm sold that it was an accident. I don't think they were honest either their reported numbers and how long the exposure had been occurring.
I got my ticket number to register for my covid shot. Of course I just got my shingles shot, so I was glad to see they were filled up anyway. I need a few weeks to let this arm go down and my system adjust. I knew this was going to happen. I said to myself. you’ll get your ticket now.
My sister tested positive for covid yesterday, but she's been sick for two weeks. Long term symptoms. I knew it was the covid. It was lasting too long. She worked throughout and didn't know it. So she told her employer and they need to quarantine the restaurant where she works. It just never seems to end. She was just getting back on her feet. With missing work It has been over a year now. Enough is more than enough of this crap.Mara~ honey I'm so sorry you had a spirl hole day. Sometimes I have two. It's ok to have them. You have to let out your sadness, it's a sign of a healthy mind to acknowledge sadness and happiness anger. It's all emotions. Walking is the key. You really are something with that. I would sit and sob. You, get up and walk. That's something to be proud of. I always think of you when I need a little push.
Candy~ oh how I wish our living room was real. No one would ever be alone again. I know it's not the same but it's like a little family that checks on each other everyday. I'm sorry you're lonely. I have people around me and I still feel lonely. I learn one day is all I can handle at a time. Even just taking a shower some days is an effort. Life that we have been given is hard. But you aren't alone. I'm dancing the same dance over here, just to a different song. I'm sending out hugs to everyone tonight. Seems like a tough day.
0 -
BooBoo~listen to your amazing self with all that. You have been through these past months. Your sweet words for Mara. I agree we all hold our family together. Mara is an integral part of the welcome package. She’s like our living room greater... always sweet and ready to show you the town. I think you all have things that are so special about you. We have a great little family here. I am happy for that.
0 -
Mel, Laurie, Sunshine, Candy and Chicagoan, thank you all for your kind words. You are right, we are a family here and I feel the same about all of you. You are the only people I share this with and I appreciate being able to release some of my feelings.
Candy and Mel, we do struggle sometimes as well and I am always thinking about you too. Candy and Mel, you inspire me as well.
Laurie, you have been through so much yourself yet here you are lending me a helping hand, thank you so much.
Chicagoan, you always have kind words too.
I did finally pull out of this mood with a final nap and walk after supper. Going to bed earlier and looking for a better day tomorrow. I will admit that walking most often does help keep me in a better frame of mind and I certainly appreciate you guys as well. You are as close as a family to me as well. Really do appreciate all of you.
When this pandemic ends, whenever that is, I will look into free groups I can join to get some socializing in real life to round out my socializing with DB, you guys and my phone friend as well as groups on FB I belong to. Thank you again, your words really do give me strength.
0 -
I'm sad to hear that so many of us are having a struggle to keep our spirits up, we put ourselves through all this treatment that more often than not makes us feel like absolute rubbish just to sit and stare at the walls. Hopefully when most of us are vaccinated we'll all be able to get out and about with our friends and family again. I miss my grandkids, everytime I think I might get to see them there are more cases of community transmission and the borders shut down again.
I had my vinorelbine infusion today, it went well, I have to go back for my neulasta shot tomorrow to keep those neutrophils high enough to keep me out of the hospital.
Hopefully you'll all see in the new day in better spirits, I'm holding you all in my heart ❤.
0 -
Mara, your post struck a chord with me. I am not alone like you. I do have a husband who comes home every night. But he comes home tired, worn out, with a headache, peels off his filthy work clothes, eats dinner wearing his long underwear, then pecks me on the cheek and staggers to bed. Out of every 24 hours he is awake and here with me maybe 1 hour. So looong stretches of my days and nights are alone. Sometimes the solitude is delicious. I am an introvert and need vast amounts of personal space, organization and peace. Other times I begin to feel unhinged, unpeopled, not human, not real, not here, floating off into space untethered by the eyes and reactions and grounding of another human being. I have always felt that people exist to bear witness, to SEE the others around us. To reflect back to them (good, bad or ugly) that they have impacted us and we are affected by them. When you live alone, all that is missing. And it's missing even more with covid and being locked at home by the rules and vulnerable health. You can't even say hi to familiar faces at the grocery store or local coffee shop as you might have used to. I think this covid has slid so many people over the edge into being gone. Just gone. Invisible. I absolutely understand that mental state where the heaviness of existence and not being a point of reference in anyone's life just makes you weep. I have no wise words to fix any of it. But I get it. And I hate it. I hate that you feel it. I hate that anyone feels it. I hope it passes and that sunshine finds your soul.
0 -
Well, I did go to bed earlier last night and woke up early for me at 6 am. Decided to take the bus to Walmart to see if they had my brand beefless groung that they did not but found some beyond beef and lightlife that will likely fill the bill. Plan to grind it after cooking to add to bean meals. Walking to and from the bus stop to Walmart and inside netted me 3500 steps which is a bonus.
I did wake up in a better mental state as well. What happened yesterday really is not an everyday thing but definitely debilitating when I or any of us go through that. I am still grateful for all the encouraging words last night, they actually came to my thoughts before I went to sleep.
0 -
I love you all.
Chicagoan- Well, the turnover and cookie were not that good. Glad I tried the bakery. Now I can say I tried it if others are talking about the "new bakery". But, with the prices, service, and not all that great of food, I will probably not go back. But I tried.
Mel- Don't they say to have 1 month between vaccines? Immune system and all that. I hope you can wait a bit for your Covid shot. That is what I mean about going to restaurants. Like your sister, no offense to her. But someone could be sick with Covid and waiting on us in the restaurants. I have never been too much of a "restaurant" person, too frugal with my money. But so many friends want to go out to eat. Just not safe in this Covid world and our cancer issues.
Runor- Our writer in the group. You express yourself so well.
Love you Sunshine, Booboo, Kittykat, Mara. All of you. Thank God for all of you.
Well, today I am trying a Zoom Yoga class. My Palliative Care team sent me the link. 9:30-10:30 this morning. We will see...
0 -
Candy,
Good for you with the zoom yoga class.
I miss yoga, but right now I can't do it bc I have too much back pain. I hope you enjoy it. And I hope this is the type of class where they offer adjustments to positions so that you can try out different ways to get the same stretches. Let us all know how it goes!!!!
0 -
Candy, that sounds great. I have never really given yoga much of a chance myself but know it helps a lot for aches and pains. I know people with severe arthritis that have been benefitted a great deal with yoga.
0 -
I could not get my beefless ground so trying out a beyond beef burger which I will grind up into ground beef once cooked. Not exactly sure what I am doing, treating like beef and will make sure the internal temp is equal, treated the raw stuff the same as regular beef as I am not sure about whether vegan stuff is the same or not.
0
