My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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I didn't post yesterday so missed a lot, for people recovering from surgery and illness heal soon. I am happy to hear BevJen is getting some steps in and every step is a win.
I am trying a new route outside. It is the same route I like for the half hour walks but this time, I am doing two laps up and down the side streets to stretch it. I got 4500 steps vs 3000 which would allow for fewer walks to meet my personal 10000 goal. I know that the 10000 is more marketing and that daily walking is good but I do have that personal goal set for myself.
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Hi everyone, good to hear that you are making progress Booboo. I hope you have a lovely visit with your mom Tanya. Candy, after so long being isolated from each other things are bound to be a bit stilted at first at least they respected your wishes and accepted your boundaries, things are bound to get more relaxed as you see each other on a regular basis with the new protocols, for want of a better word.
I can't wait to pick up my new car, I went back to bingo tonight, it was good to get out of the house for something other than doctor's appointments, and having a little win was the icing on the cake. Mara, its good to set goals for ourselves, even small ones, I hope your db can get the air-conditioning sorted out for you before the summer heat arrives.
Moth, I'm having to sleep on my back as well for the time being, I rolled onto my side during the night and woke up in agony, like my rib was poking into me but I'm so sick of seeing doctors I'm just going to ride it out if I can til next Thursday when I see Sanju.
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KittyKat, I am glad you were able to get out as well, you guys in Australia handled the pandemic better than a lot of other countries and it is a benefit that you can go out and enjoy yourself. Also happy for you about the car, new things are always nice to get. Very exciting.
I was happy because I did an offer on my survey site which paid 120 US which was fantastic. Will go a long way toward my groceries that I save for.
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moth and runor, I remember taking the pyridium years ago. It helped immediately with the pain of the bladder infection. I also remember traveling in Germany when I got a bladder infection. Great! How DO you say "bladder infection" in German??? I went into a pharmacy, and was somehow able to communicate what my problem was. They gave me some herb called Bear Grape Leaf Extract (or whatever the German equivalent was). It worked beautifully. This was an OTC product since they couldn't give me an antibiotic without prescription. They were very kind and patient with my struggle to use words in German that I didn't know. I think it was some kind of pill or capsule.
Anyway, if you have access to anything like that, it might help. I haven't, THANKFULLY, had a bladder infection in years. They're the worst.
Carol
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Hello ladies ~ I hope those who are scanning and. Waiting. Know I'm in your pocket. Thinking of you all. I have been in a fog state for about three weeks now. I'm bored. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing excites me. I don't enjoy doing anything. I could care less about getting up, I'd rather just sleep. It's the only thing I truly love. I feel like this past six years has been such a let down to my life I just can't some to terms With what I've and its become. I don't like how I am anymore and miss my old powerful woman who did it, no matter what it was. It is hard to change things when you do have control. Ten times harder,. When you don't have control. Cancer needs to choke and die
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Well, my province is going into another 3 weeks of lockdown which is unsurprising. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel bad for kids in school, they have not been in class since april and no idea if they get to go back or what happens. They also lose out on playing with each other and socializing. Must be awful for teachers, kids and parents with remote learning. A high percentage of kids are not understanding t he online learning as well. I am glad I am getting my first shot on Monday, probably Pfizer or Moderna since my country has halted using the Astra Zeneca. Not sure where that leaves people who got the first dose of AZ, whether it is effective with another vaccine to use as a second dose.
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Mara - they are testing that mix and match now and early reports that it throws up "more mild side effects" than one or the other alone. I didn't think that was possible after AZ but if so.... I dont think I would want to do that unless necessary. Here they are letting people who are now banned from AZ, but had a first dose, having them take the second. I think they have a choice but its not really clear. Other Half goes for his Pfizer today after being called up for AZ two weeks ago and the guidance changing. He seems rather excited by the prospect, but I will just be glad for him to get it done.
Heading into the city in a few hours for the first time (well, beyond the Hospital) in almost 6 months. Stopping at the office to see my manager in person and then off to lunch with work friend and a bit of shopping in ACTUAL STORES afterwards. Which is good, I need to check some thread colors for a project I have brewing.
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Mel,
I urge you to call your palliative care group and ask them for help. You sound severely depressed after the loss of both of your furry boys, and all of the other crap that cancer has delivered to your doorste....it’s jumping out of the words you write. I am very concerned about you, my friend. I am not exactly the picture of joy and happiness myself, but I recognize depression when I see it because I can go to those dark places too. I love you girl, and we need our Mel and her living room to join together and stay strong. So please reach out and ask for help.
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Mel, I agree with Booboo. Please ask for help. You deserve to have peace and happiness. I am wrapping my arms around you from afar. You have given so much to this forum, and I want nothing but peace for you.
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Mel - I echo booboo’s suggestion. There are different types of depression and yours certainly sounds situational, given a shitty disease and back to back losses of beloved fur kids. The best treatment is working with a therapist and using meds. There are lots of different depression meds and some will work for you and some won’t. (The same is true for therapists!). The problem is all of them take some time to know if they are working. If you have side effects, a different med can be tried. But we don’t like to see you suffering. We love you and want you to find some peace and calmness in your life. I have been on depression meds since the birth of our 2nd, and she will be 34 this year. I’ve needed to amp things up when we have had certain crises in our lives. That was especially true when I was dx with MBC. I have been fortunate to have only needed to change drugs 3x in all those years. In the early years, I tried to wean myself off, and my husband could always tell within a couple weeks that I was not taking my meds as necessary. I’ve learned that I need the meds to function normally. And I’m grateful that they have changed so much from the meds used in the 60’ and 70’s that left you in lala land. Bottom line - please take care of yourself
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Mel, I have to echo what these smart ladies are suggesting about depression and evening things out emotionally. I don't care for the idea of drugs but if you cannot pull out of a persistent gray spell where it feels like nothing is good in the world, a drug could be the answer and does not have to heavy duty to be effective. It does not change what happens but may help to redirect thoughts in another way.
I can relate to persistent depression if I don't sleep enough or walk at the start of the day. The days I exercise upon waking, my mindset is better but the days I do nothing at all or start to obsessively worry about something, my mind goes immediately to I don't want to be here, why choose treatment when I am alone. These are bad thoughts which I have to avoid.
In short, I would really like you to get help to deal with the pain in your life. If it cannot happen through exercise, drugs may not be a bad idea. I don't like anyone feeling close to how my feelings get sometimes.
Edited to add, I like Rosie's suggestion about looking into a rescue possibly to give some of the obvious love that you have to share with people and pets. That kind of thing can help mend a broken heart while still giving tribute to Tag and Deeoghee as well.
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Sondra, I hope my government will allow people who rushed out and got AZ to have a second dose as well. Makes no sense to have immunized so many with it to not follow up with a 2nd dose. My DB and SIL both got it last week.
I get my first jab on Monday the 17th. Going to UBER, I was going to take the bus but for at least the way there, I would rather UBER.
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I did do a longer walk this morning, went usual route except walked one way up and one way down the side streets and back home. Added 5000 steps instead of the 3000 I usually did. I consider that a good amount and allows for me to take shorter walks to try to hit goal both inside and outside later in the day. Not doing much else, probably just my surveys etc. We are locked down now extended to June.
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Mel - I’m sorry that you are in such a funk. I know you miss your sweet puppies. I read in USA Today that there are a lot of people that are giving up the puppies, now dogs, because they adopted them during the height of COVID and now are going back to work and school and can’t take care of them anymore. Makes me sad that some people think of pets as something disposable. Those animals loved their humans with all their heart and now miss them terribly while they wait in a shelter for a new home.
I know you said that you weren’t thinking about getting another dog, but maybe there is one out there now that needs you as much as you need them. There is just something about having to take care of something or someone else that just makes us get up and move and not think too much about what is going on with ourselves. Of course they would never ever replace Tag or Deoghee (sp?). They had their own uniqueness that you will always cherish. But a new fur baby with their own quirks might be a lot of fun to experience.
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Mel- Thinking of you. Talk to your Palliative Care team. Maybe they can help. I want you to feel better.
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Moth- Any news on your scans??
Intolight- Your scan results??
emac- How about your results??
Just wondering about our pocket duty list and the ones on it.
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Hard going for you just now Mel...you spend a lot of time supporting others here. Now’s the time to find some help for yourself. I recognised in myself that both I and my husband were about to break emotionally, so found a local cancer charity who offered support counselling on a one to one basis. We’ve both taken advantage of that service and found it very helpful.
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Thank you ladies. I adore you all for caring. I am on antidepressants we are tweaking them
And I think we will slowly get there. I just am raw about my Deeohgee, it will be a month Tuesday and I don’t seem to be dealing well with his death. I want another dog so badly. But feel like I should wait and not have it be impulse emotion buying. That’s not fair to the pup. My DH doesn’t want another. Bing!!! Problem. Immediately. I’m
Not strong enough to train a puppy and take care of everything without him. He needs to be wanting to help me . Not willing. Wanting. Or he will end up resenting me for it. I do so want another dog. I realize that’s what’s bothering me. The lack of interaction with my Deeohgee0 -
Mel, completely understandable about not having a furry family member underfoot and to walk and love up on. I know if my cats both died, I would most definitely want at least one more. It never took me long to bring in another furry friend, not as a replacement, just someone else to love. None of my cats have been similar to each other either. Tigger is only similar to our old cat Marmalade due to his extra front toes. Looks like he is wearing mittens. I would always need someone else with me to pet and cuddle with.
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Cross posting---
Change of plans for now--- I was to see my MO Monday to discuss the liver biopsy/ Tempus results. I called Tempus this morning--- report not done and will not be done until mid week next week. So I messaged MO nurse. Cancelled Monday's MO appt and will do a televisit when Tempus results released.
Next scans due in June anyway--- no date set yet. But just feeling anxious-- if things are changing and we are slow to respond and change treatments and allowing the cancer to possibly grow.
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Candy - waiting is inhumane. Maybe you have a better grip on your thoughts than I do, but my mind went to dark places, as you all know. I am sorry for the waiting and know how excruciating it is.
Mel, as I've said before, I am alone for many hours everyday. Monday i picked up garbage twice after bear got into it. Second time he was still rummaging around when I arrived shouting and waving. I always hope the dog would act as an early warning system. We live in forest. When i walk out i look up, into trees for cubs. If no cubs, safe to go out. Cubs in trees, do Not remain outside because mom is close. Mom bear will whoop my ass! I would feel very intimidated by my surroundings if not for the dog. It should be noted that dog never alerted me to the bears and I lock him indoors if I have to venture into a bear situation, to keep him safe from harm. This is faulty thinking, but hes much less of a warrior than our last dog. Last dog was like Gladiator and current dog is more Mr. Bean. But I totally understand the companion aspect a dog provides and can imagine the loss. But I agree with everyone else who have encouraged you to talk to someone. Too much suffering is...too much. Hugs.
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Hi candy, oh sorry your genomic results are delayed. It's frustrating when we're in the waiting game. Hang in there
My results - so my scans were right after an MO visit, and my next one isn't till 3 weeks later. My regular MO would have called me with results but this locum said "I'll call you if there's a problem" .. & I decided to try to roll with it & try to let go of things a bit. My respirologist saw the ct results and told me over the phone that liver spots were continuing to shrink and the pneumonitis looked same but there might a new spot on the lung to watch? but he's not an onc & was literally just summarizing the "impressions" from the ct report. My MO appt is this Monday so I'll get the full scoop then & have just been sort of assuming everything is ok for now.
The dog thing hits me so hard. I mentioned before I had a whole list of dogs I wanted & a plan for when & how many I'd have at various stages in the next decades... now it's all gone. I don't know if my dh will want dogs after I'm gone. He & dd will look after mine now (ds is a total cat guy - we had a cat that we adopted when he was 1 and she was with us till he was 16. If I got a cat now he would totally take care of it after.), but I don't feel I can add more. Otoh, my 'heart dogs' are setters & I've always said I'd take any setter in rescue near me. Fortunately for me they're super rare here or I'd be overrun. Husky/malamute/shep crosses are my 2nd rank heart dogs and those are alas very plentiful so I could easily fill my house. But I really shouldn't....
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Moth - are you saying that your oncologist reads pathology reports and makes conclusions from them? When I asked my onc what he felt the pathology report on my D&C was saying he said he wasn't an expert in deciphering pathology reports and I thought...what?....wait a minute... you are the guy deciding what treatment I get for cancer yet you tell me you don't decipher pathology reports? I thought this was rather odd. So I noticed when you said your onc would be looking at the pathology report to make a decision. My onc even deferred the choice to stay on or go off tamoxifen to the gynecologist. I am feeling a bit confused over who is supposed to be deciding what. I thought oncologists should be experts or at least very well versed in reading a path report to make a conclusion. Maybe I am wrong?
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Mel, have you thought about sharing a pup? We do that with our friend Nuala. It means we have the very lovable Fionn a couple of nights a week and during the working day for three days. Works brilliantly as I can’t commit health wise to a full time pup and Nuala needs the doggy care. Fionn has had that arrangement from a tiny pup so he’s well used to it. There must be people in your area who are heading back to work in offices etc. and would love someone like you to help them out?
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runor - to be clear I'm talking about my diagnostic radiology report, not a path report. All my MOs & ROs review images themselves as well as the report & my primary MO shows me the images but I'm not sure that she would mess around with looking at pathology slides. That's a whole different level, when you get into microbi, kwim?
I think the issue for you is that you don't have a gyne cancer. So I think your oncologist is staying in their lane and saying I've rx'd tamoxifen, your gyne will sort out what needs to be done about the uterus (as I understand it ~50% of women on tamox will have abnormal uterine bleeding; if biopsy benign then it's managed with monitoring, or an IUD, or a hysterectomy). If the gyne strongly recommends against this med for whatever reason, then your MO would need to discuss with you (or have an inter-disciplinary meet)
Also as far as your MO talking about "what's next", there are studies indicate extending hormone treatment to 10 years is beneficial for some women. Some do 5 tamox then 5 AI but if you're not post menopause yet, it might mean more tamoxifen. Or not. But that's a decision to be made, as well as what sort of screening intervals and whether to bounce you back to GPs care (which is what happened to me when I finished rads because I was not on hormonal tx since I was TN)
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Well, quiet day here. Going to keep myself busy washing blankets. Going to use washing wand and spinners for smaller ones and then use the actual laundry facilities for the larger ones. May take the day but that is fine. My arms can get a nice workout in the meantime. After that's done, might walk a couple of times, looks to be a nice day again.
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Mel,
I am in the same place with regard to getting another pup after Huey Lewis passed. My heart is still broken over him, but each day I remind myself that we gave him a wonderful life after rescue, and he lived it to the fullest. So did your boys. We are not sure yet about getting another. We will NOT be able to handle another puppy....we are looking at rescues that are 5-6 years old. Maybe you could look (online) at the various shelters (or rescue orgs) in your area and see if your next furry baby is there waiting for you. I want to see and hear the joy in back in your life when you get another one. I firmly believe this is an answer for you, and depression will lift once you have something to focus on.
Karen,
The picture of you and your pup is precious. Your deck and backyard area look magical. Love the setting!
Mara,
Have I told you lately how impressed I am at your work ethic? You are always moving, and I think that’s why you can ward off depression so well. Hugs to you.
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Well, we’re going to attempt another cabin trip. DH is picking up a trailer, we’ll pack it today and leave tomorrow. Hoping nothing goes wrong this time (last time a seal busted on the truck and DH had to come back). The plan is to spend the week, unload and maybe get a little wall insulation done.
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Thank you Laurie, it is easy for me to find stuff to do since I am single and no kids to deal with. No job either. I will say pulling out all the different spinners, heating rack and hoisting wet blankets into a spinner is a workout but good. I could have just taken them to the laundry here but I will save that for the largest blankets. Like i say, this is good for my arms, strength training lifting and setting things up. I will probably go for a walk later as well. I hope you are well too, hugging you right back.
Edited to add I got 5 blankets and pillow case done, each spun twice and they dried quickly. Taking final 3 to the laundry here and will wash there, use their dryer as well. My goal was to be done before two but I will finish much sooner. Very good lifting exercise for my arms but want to move on to a walk, probably just one with all the work I did today. We will see.
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Good luck on your trip Mae. In the trucks pocket this time
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