My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Hope that flu isn't too bad. Plenty of bed rest, stay warm, and lots of fluids.
Packing today for our trip, only a 3 hour flight, so it's a doddle!, Will be off line for a few days ladies, so keep healthy everyone, sending lots of love to everyone
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micmel that surgery sounds terrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with that everyday, every breath.
This flu thing is exhausting. Three nights of coughing, the nights seem to be the worst. I still have fever, too and no energy during the day. But, tonight I can't sleep. I hope the Tamiflu will kick in soon, tomorrow will be my third day. I feel like im in jail. I cant go anywhere until I've had no fever for two days.
If it's not one thing its another. Evidently, there is widespread flu in every state. I guess this year's flu shot wasn't very effective.
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Grannax, I saw on the news that the flu shot this year was only 10% effective. I hope you feel better soon! I only had the flu once and thought I was going to die! The cough, aches and weakness were horrible!
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Mae~ I knew that we were some what close in age. I am going to be 48 in May! I have no breast cancer in my family at all, until of course now me. I know what you mean when said said shock! That is so very true. I was walking around for months like I was someone else in a fog, notreally believing any of it was real. Of course as we all know. It was very real! 42 damn Mae. I am with you my friend. I know you were very active and know you were no couch potato, but I am seeing that the couch Potatoes dont get staged de novo like we were! Ugh! Hugs Mae. Have a good day honey ! Glad the scans are done for you! For now! Much love ~M~
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Minnie~How exciting packing for your trip! So jealous. Please be safe, take tons of pics to share if you are able. We will certainly miss you! How long will you be gone? I hope you make some wonderful memories. Much love ~M~
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Grannax~ I am so sorry you're battling this flu.. I didn't have the shot this year ... it seems like everyone who did get it, has gotten sick with something! My DS has the shot and he caught something that would relate to aches and body pains. Which to me means, the flu. I tried to stay away. Washed my hands till they were raw. I hope you're feeling better really soon. Dayquil cold and flu. Works great. Sending big hugs with a mask....😷😷 much love sweetheart! Feel better and get some rest! Hope your daughter Is continually doing better. 💗
~M~ Drink drink drink water 💧 💧 fluids!!! Lots !
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Lynnwood~I didn't see that on television that would surely make sense, 10percent is really low. Wow. Makes me not even want to go outside at all. I never got the shot this year, I am not sure why though? I don't shake hands anymore. I also don't like touching door handles, or anything like that. Today (are you sitting down?) the temperature is supposed to be....wait for it.......57 degrees 😛😯, talk about excitement. Lol I think I am visiting my grand puppy at some time today. I want to bring him something This Time. I missed him! Much love friend!! ~M~
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At least my daughter didn’t come home saying this!!! Good grief lol0 -
Micmel-I was on Ibrance 125mg for about 16 cycles. The progression was in the liver(few small lesions there at DX that had gone away after 3 mos. of Ibrance.) Bone mets remained stable. Wow, you were dealing with major challenges before MBC. To be diagnosed de novo must have been a shock of overwhelming proportions. I can't imagine how that must have felt for those of you that experienced that. PTSD land. Anyway, glad you have felt better this week-you go, gal!
Grannax- Oh,ick! So sorry to hear how this damn flu is treating you. Knocking you into the dirt- but not for long. Hope you turn the corner quickly and get improvement.
Love to each, MJH
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leapfrog~ hope You're doing well today. Just waving hello! ~M~
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M, I love puzzles but because of the nerve damage in my arms and hands I have trouble picking up the pieces. This truly has limited my ability to pick up on the pre-MBC hobbies.
I was on Ibrance/Faslodex prior to Madame X. I did have fatigue while on it, however Madame X fatigue is much worse for me. This might be a little bit of TMI but I am so fatigued that there are times when I think to myself that I am to fatigued to even get up to go to the restroom. Usually by the 3rd day off the drug I get my energy back and that is when I do all of the meal stuff. I am on a 7 days on / 7 days off cycle.
Mae I love to garden. Pre-MBC I was really getting into hydroponic gardening. I live in a gated community and have limitations as to what I can do in my yard and god forbid a greenhouse. I love this basement hydroponic garden: youtube.com/watch?v=jAUv5YxIkS4
I believe that the person who developed this system is an educator. He has some great advice regarding what veggies grows well in hydroponic systems and what veggie's do not.
Grannex, feel better soon. In the mean time, fluids, sleep, fluids, and some serious movie time.
Minnie, have fun and enjoy every moment.
Hugs to all.
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MJH~I was knocked over in denial for A long time and there are days I just still can't believe I have to deal with any of this at all. But like someone said somewhere. I don't know where...but it happens to people everyday. What makes me any different.? I have many health issues that really have been difficult. I think over all I have had maybe 8 surgeries maybe more. I forget at this point. It's been really hard some days to accept all of this. Especially only being 47. Makes me wonder why my mom held all of the bad stuff inside her womb, and unleashed all of the crap into me. But that's not really fair to say also! Anyhoo. I guess others could be worse I try to stay positive, it's hard sometimes. Much love ~M~. I am sure you know what hard is with you're own family and circumstances, everyone does! Hugs to you ! ~M~
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You “girls” are about the same age as my daughter!!! She turned 42 yesterday! Makes me feel old lol!!!
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Long post lost...Ugh I was 47 when first diagnosed with bc. I was 54 when first diagnosed with Mac. I am now 60, which I never thought I would see. My body hates medicine, I have to be really careful with all that. I did not ask to have Ibrance dose lowered, I wanted off Ibrance. Mo convinced me to try 75mg, before completely giving up on it. I have tied his hands somewhat in that I refuse chemo, almost died from a/c. So we go along on the other treatments and hope that a new one comes through in time. I am slowly falling Ibrance, but since mets are not yet measurable on Pet scan, he has started others on Verenzo(sp), and watching the se's. He said to give him a couple of months to see what he thinks. I start 2799th cycle next week.
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Mae-Awesome news on your scans! Congrats!
NO1-Most of our friends have slowly left us too. I believe it is my diagnosis too. Even of 2 of my sisters, I rarely hear from. I stopped complaining to my mother about it, because she will call them up and make them call me. My youngest sister lives in the same neighborhood (not that that matters, my mother lives in the neighborhood too, she calls almost daily), so she'll call me. I know the phone works both ways, but I really don't have anything new to say to anyone, so I usually only call Mom or my kids. We have a couple we've been friends with before we got married that we see every other month, and I have a friend (a neighbor) that I see once a week. She's the only friend that hasn't left (one calls about once a month, and I tell her to come over anytime, she still hasn't, I haven't seen her in about a year). My husband doesn't have many friends (none that currently support him), and I hope that his siblings (he works with one brother, who he's close to, and has a sister and another brother) and my sisters, will give him support after I'm gone. I know our adult kids will be there. We've been together since high school, and have been married 34 years.
I'm still in my nightgown, and stayed in bed the past 3 afternoons (dizziness from chemo). Today, I feel a little better.
My youngest grandchild and my younger daughter just got here. I hope everyone has a great Thursday!
Lynne
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Micmel, you know why I'm here. I am not metastatic. Yet every sentiment shared by every women, I know it. I know it well.
Nothing is the same. My happy bubble of Not Knowing has been popped. Popped, hell, some cosmic flyswatter came slapping down and SMASHED it. Now I feel - removed. When I go to town to get groceries I no longer see myself as just shopping among my fellow citizens. I feel as if I am watching them from a great distance. I used to be part of that scene, of lives just being lived without attention. Now? Oh, it's so different now. Now I have these crippling thoughts. Like, one day these people will be shopping and I won't be. Of course the Truth is that any one of them could die before I do. However, they do not walk around with that knowledge wrapped around their face morning, noon and night. It's like I can't ever un-know that I have cancer and that I fully expect to be facing bigger and bigger medical problems as time goes by.
I struggle with being okay to die. For me, it boils down to that. All my life, despite bitching about the various situations that I find myself in, at the end of the day I roll up my sleeves, look at what has to be done and get on with the task at hand. Like it or not, I get it done. I hope, HOPE that when the time comes for me, that I am able to find that inner grit that my momma gave me and say, if it is my time to die, then that is what I need to do.
But as it stands, I am not there. I am not okay. I do not have the grit. I have terror and anger and sadness so deep it takes my legs out. I find myself looking SO HARD at the people I love, searing them into my memory. A memory that one day will blink out and be gone. Maybe though when I look hard at someone, when I attend every nuance and subtlety and every detail, what I am doing is giving THEM something to hold on to after I am gone. Maybe I am giving them the knowing that I SAW them, I FELT them, that they were in my eyes and heart and they were more precious than gold. They were everything. Maybe that's the point of this intense attention, maybe it's for them and not me.
I too have been surprised by the people who never really checked in on me again after the initial 'we're so sorry to hear you have cancer'. Not that I expect everyone to rush in and fall at my feet wailing. But there were a few from whom I expected more contact and have been deeply hurt by their conspicuous absence. In other ways, I have become very selfish and guarded with my time. I want my immediate family around me and I want time and energy for them and find that too much outside peopling can drain the energy I would rather give to those who matter. So in that way there might be people who say that I have left them behind since I was diagnosed, and that might be a truthful statement.
My Husband. God. Where to start? I was 17 years old when I first got in a car on a date with this tall, thin, completely uncoordinated, guy who was so shy that speaking was painful for him. How on earth did he ever work up the nerve to ask me on a date? That was 37 years ago. A lifetime. In the recovery room after lumpectomy, rising up from the depths of anesthetic, I was aware of everything but not able to move, speak or open my eyes. I heard everything. Nurses coming and going, machines beeping. I heard him, sitting there, breathing and knew that everything the world had to offer me was right there. And I felt whole. Our relationship is not perfect and at times I want to move out and live by myself. And I might! Cancer might have turned me into a lunatic who does irrational things! But I know that I love him and he is a good person. Which is not to say I like the role of wife anymore, but that is another topic for another day!
This site brings me two things in equal measure: comfort and mute horror. The knowledge that there are others walking the walk and horror at how many of us there are! For all of us I have but one wish :peace. Peace in your heart with what you have around you, peace in your heart with where you're going. Peace with how things turn out. Peace when you close your eyes at night and have that coffee first thing in the morning. Peace as we fight and cry and go to appointments and panic over pains and lumps and make cookies and fold laundry. If you find that peace, bless you, and let the rest of us know how you did it!
Outstanding thread, Micmel. You are a singularly outstanding soul.
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I am driving and I will answer when I get home. Love you ladies ! Hi Runor! So glad to see you. Friends know no barriers my dear! Hugs. To you.
I am taking a ride to see grand puppy! Pics to follow ! ~M~
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Gracie~you're not old darling! You're wonderful, and you have a great daughter I am sure! I know they have a fabulous doggie! Thanks to you ! Hope you're feeling better, I know you were feeling a little under the weather last time I read! I hope ibrance is good to you and works for many many many years! Hugs to you my friend! ~M~
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Claudia~I am 47 now so I can only imagine how you felt! I know at any age it sucks. But I'm just thinking more and more are being diagnosed so young, it's becoming more and more obvious. I have seen a picture of you, and you're beautiful, sooo not sixty gorgeous! I sit and think how much I hate that cancer even exsists.....not just that I have cancer. I hate it bothering anyone at all. ITs just mean and cruel. It has no boundaries or respect. It can't be rationalized with, begged, pleaded with, it just doesn't give a damn! Keep on riding those horses and showing MBC what can be done. Love you friend~M~
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Lynne(Man)~I am sorry you're still feeling a little bit of the side effects of your chemo. I even hate typing that word. Today it is 52 here I just went out to see my grand puppy. He is so big I am shocked. No more puppy there, I don't know how they are living. He's bigger than any surface or cabinet except the above ones. It's crazy.
I guess friends are like waves, they come in for a certain amount of time and then they roll out again and others stay a little while, then it changes over again. I have one friend from high school that I even speak to really she is my best friend and we are still close. More like a real sister. One that I never had. Mine is a conditional person. Do this or that, or else I am disowning you. Family sometimes sucks worse than friends ugh! Keep resting. Hope every day gets better ! Much love ~M~
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Runor~ what you speak is so truthful! I wanted to just go in my sleep, but then again who doesn't and or who wouldn't? I am also shopping thinking the same things. But also, why am I even shopping for belongings, how long will I really even need them. I see carefree people enjoying laying on the beach, and their bodies are whole and they can fill out a bathing suit. I can no longer do that either. Summer sucks for me, I hate tank tops, and the FOOB makes me sweat and it's certainly uneven. It's so true once you hear those words. It haunts your inner person, something just escapes from you... a pureness you can never get back. The wind becomes windier, the sun becomes sunnier, the snow becomes whiter. You notice more. Like you said memorizing their faces, hearing their laughter, every single second you can. I have done all those things and I do them everyday! The only thing, only thing I would change about my life.... is that I have cancer. Other than that... I would never need anything else to be and remain happy. My DH is my best friend and I adore everything about him. Our blended family is precious and kind. I'm fighting like a crazy wild animal to stay with them. It's the only thing we can do. I am so pleasedto see you and read your post, you certainly have a way with words! Hugs to you ~M~
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NO1~I seemed to have been born with a black thumb....I kill every plant I come in contact with. But I honestly loved our garden my DH planted. One Year it was gang busters. With the tomatoes. And the cucumbers, then the very next year, something called the blight or something of that nature, moldy disease like spots on the leaves of the plants. That cut the growing time shorter. But I miss the freshness it brings. That sense of healthy, knowing where it came from. Sounds very interesting. I intend to check it out! It is supposed to get cold yet again! Now the mud is gross! The dogs track it in the house on my new beige carpet. Ugh no! At least it's not -2...outside. Soon Friday will be here! ~M~
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Ok here is the horse. It's hard to get a pic of him, he moves so fast and is always running. He's grown so very much. But he remembered me. He walked over to his leash and then to the door, he associated me with going places. I always walked him, and took him places. Three times a week sometimes. I wish it wasn't so gross outside. I would still try, even though he could most likely walk me!!!! ~M~0 -
His big head! It's massive. But he was still so loving and sweet. He laid right across my legs. I miss seeing his sweet face. Winter stinks! The mud is thick. Ice everywhere. Gross! ~M~ He has the longest legs. Hes still Growing! He has another 100 lbs to grow at least. I can't even imagine such a thing. 0 -
Lol that cat is something else. I bet cats really are like that. They really can be quick and nimble and dogs Turn into chickens!0 -
Well Emma ended up in the hospital with a migraine that quickly snowballed to a bad place. She is doing much better tonight and we should be going home tomorrow..this couch is SO hard and I just hurt...Hopefully my Vicodin kicks in soon so I can sleep.
Amie
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Keetmom~I am so sorry about Emma's migraine. She has been on such a good streak, I am thinking about you and hoping that the Vicodin kicks in for you. Sleep is so valuable. I am sending thoughts of strength that you'll be able to just get through tonight. I also hope that tomorrow you will all be able to go home and she can begin to rest her body from this ordeal. I know adult migraines take days to recover from. She will need some good rest and relaxation! I am truly sorry. Please know Emma and your family is on my mind. Stay strong....wonderful mother. Much love ~M~
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bigb home like you I was first diagnosed with bc at 48, then 10 years later mbc. Hitting 60 in 2 weeks. No other bc in my family that I know of, unless it was in my fathers family. He was an only child, so maybe in the female side? Refusing to feel old!!!
Love that dog, give him a cuddle from me. See you all in a few days. Back home in Spain 22nd x
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Minnie~ I hope you have a safe trip! We will miss your sweet words and smiles!! We will all be waiting for you here when you get back!! Please travel safely and take as many pics and make as many memories as you can! Hugs to you our next traveler! I would So love to get there. One bucket list item I don't think I'll be crossing off. But the first thing on my list is. To live!
I woke up today at like at 11:45.am. I hate the inconsistency that living with cancer brings. I have felt great for the past week. Tired yeah. Just getting over my cold....that's ok. But today I feel like I am crawling through the syrup of my life just to make something to eat. Sleeping is the only peace I seem to get from this cancer! Some days I feel so good it feels like maybe I don't even have cancer and I can be ok like this!!! But how long will I remain just ok. I am deathly afraid of progression.....but then again who isn't. Much love ~M~
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Claudia-I'm so sorry you are having a hard time on Ibrance. I was on it for 6 months (and couldn't wait to get off it), before it stopped working. I'm hoping the lower dose helps with the se's. I was first diagnosed at 43, after my second routine mammogram. Neither I, nor my dr felt the lump. It was Stage 1 IDC, HR and PR + Her2-. It came back metastatic n 2005, right before my 50th birthday.I just turned 56 (Dec). You are not old! I always say that having another year is better than the alternative!
Minnie-Have a wonderful trip. I went to Ireland about 11 years ago with my Mom, and 3 younger sisters. We went with a bagpipe group that my father was in. He was suppose to go, but passed away the year before. We brought some of his ashes, and spread him around the 4 cities we stopped at and the sites. We started in Dublin and ended in Galway (on a bus, 2 days each of the 4 cities). Beautiful country.
Amie-sorry to hear about your daughter, glad she is feeling better.
Runor-I felt the same as you when I was first diagnosed. It lasted for years. Then I got diagnosed metastatic 7 years later, and thought I'd be gone in a couple of years. 5 1/2 years later I'm still here. I guess God is not done with me yet. I guess I've accepted my diagnosis and what the future will bring. People tell me I'm so positive. Maybe when I'm out and just forget I have cancer for a little bit (haven't really felt that way on the current chemo I've been on for 7 months now, sick the week after and bald now). These people don't see me in private. That's when the bad thoughts start. Big hugs to you! I won't say it gets better, but maybe a little easier to deal with as time goes on.
Mel-My neighbor's cat always takes over the golden retriever's bed, just like that picture. The dog just looks at him, and lays on the floor next to his bed.
My husband is making me a little nuts lately. Love him but him always asking how I'm doing (he just called) and checking up on me is getting me angry. I know I should be thankful he cares but it really just points out to me that I'm not feeling well. At chemo last Fri, he has his work computer with him, as always to work while he's there with me for 3+ hours. Instead of working, he was looking up vacations. We just got back from Jamaica in October and are going to do Disney in April with the whole family. He wanted to go the last week of January (when I'm due for chemo again). Granted it was an awesome deal, but I told him no. Where he wanted to go was the place we are suppose to go in October. I told him he didn't need a vacation every 3 months. I know he worries about me, and is trying to do stuff for me all the time, but I'm content at home for a few months.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Lynne
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