My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Thank you Mae, mara, and Living. I do not take offense. It is true I am fearful of covid. It seems to be really rampant right now in our area. I do not know our positivity rate without looking it up, but did see a local article this morning that there are 400 new cases in our county over the weekend (and that is the documented cases, I know of people that are showing symptoms but have not tested and are saying "it is just a cold"). We have 2 ICU beds available for our Region of the State (all of Southern Illinois).
But it is not just Covid that makes me jealous of his comings and goings. It is also the unhealthy feelings I have due to the cancer treatment--- the nausea that comes and goes, and the fatigue. Even if there was no Covid I would not feel all that great to be running around. And then there is the financial restraints with now living on a fixed SSD income versus working. I am living on 1/2 of my old income. I do not have the finances to buy and do the things I used to. The catalyst of our tense conversation this weekend was that my texting buddy bought another classic car--he posted pics on Facebook. He has several classic cars, that is his hobby. I see things I "need" to do around my house (things that are old and need replaced, or things that are broken) and cannot afford to do them, but he blows money on his "wants". If not for the cancer, I would be working and could handle my "needs" and also could have some "wants" of my own. Like I said, he is just living his life. But I do feel envious of his feeling good, going places, and buying what he needs and wants without having to worry about the cost.
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Well, walked 4K to the service ontario office to order a new health card and an ontario card for ID purposes. Was a 4K walk. Not a lot of snow but a fair amount of ice. The cleats do work but still felt a bit nervous, tilted forward whenever I was on ice to change the centre of gravity. The cleats are a big help for me not to slip and still lifted my leg pretty high to avoid trips. Glad I got this chore done. No intention on walking outdoors unless I need to though. Treadmill or march will have to suffice.Walking as little as possible when it is like this until the weather changes. On the plus side, the wig looked cute so that will look nice in the pictures.
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Candy I wish I was there to give you a big hug. It will have to be a virtual hug instead. Cancer not only takes over our health but impacts people financially and emotionally.
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candy, I think it's totally normal and ok to be jealous and angry and resentful. I know I feel that way quite often. We're being robbed of the life we wanted and others still get to keep doing their stuff. It sucks. I hear you. And no, it's not just covid...
But also the covid fear is real. I saw a calculator that estimated risk of ICU admission or death and for me it gave 4% if I caught covid. I'm still in lockdown. Since March 2020 I've gone out 3 times: twice to garden centers and once to ikea. That's it. Now with omicron I'm only going for medical appointments, wearing my N95.
I'm still.waiting to hear about the Trodelvy. I signed a bunch of forms online on Friday and it's churning through the bureaucracy. I hope I'll hear something soon. I had an ok weekend, feeling low energy, not sure whether it's stress or my liver mets. Feeling a bit better today. Dropped my dd off at work and enjoyed my drive. I started a new audiobook and listened to it on my way home
Hugs everyone
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Candy - I’m so sorry that someone you consider a friend said something hurtful. Regardless of whether it was a man or woman speaking, it was simply unkind.
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So get this, even more confusion....
I saw a news article from our local TV station (saw it on their website) that immunocompromised individuals can now get their 4th Covid vaccine-- 5 months from their last dose. I copied the link and sent it to my MO office and PCP office. Got a response back from both docs. MO is not recommending a 4th dose as of right now for her patients. PCP said Yes go to the local pharmacy and get it. Called local pharmacy and pharmacist said she was not aware a 4th dose was approved yet. I told her of the news article and the CDC.gov website info (thanks 50'sgirl for posting here a couple pages back). She said she would research it and call me back.
Wow. No one knows what is what. So what do I do? Get the shot or not. Would a 4th dose hurt me?
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Thank you Living for the virtual hug. I will take it.
Moth- It is nice to hear that I am not the only one with envious feelings. Maybe I am not that bad of a person after all. I have my Lupron injection and CT coming up. I do not have a N95 mask, but will wear 2 surgical masks 1 on top of the other.
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Candy,
I do feel envious sometimes of people my age dealing with things like home renovations, promotions, trips in the future, kids, future plans, and returning to normal life. Like Mae said though, it's just not productive. I try to focus on all that I DO have, and enjoy everything I can. Right now it's as simple as re-binge-watching a couple of favorite TV shows. This is not productive either, but at least I enjoy it. I think what your friend said, quite bluntly, was uncalled for. Maybe it's because he's a guy, or maybe it's just one of those unhelpful things friends say sometimes. And if they are truly a good friend most of the time, these comments can be forgiven IMO.
I don't have many friends either. I have two from work that have been pretty great, but one of them told me last year that I might be self-isolating too much. I took it to heart and started going in to the office more (with an N-95 mask), and getting out more, like outdoor dining / events. In Illinois, I'm not sure about how much can be done outdoors right now, so things like the MBC zoom call, or maybe coffee, a meal out, or some light shopping during the "off" hours would be a good idea? I was super nervous after a meal I ate indoors during an unexpected thunderstorm last year. When chatting about it with my chemo nurse, he brought over a chart to show me one of my bloodwork numbers (don't remember which one, neutrophils maybe) to help me relax some. Plus I've had 3 full jabs. I keep an eye on the Covid numbers for my area like Mae said to judge my current level of risk tolerance. Right now we are having the largest surge EVER.
Hi everyone. Good to see you Katyblu! Just waiting on scan results over here so trying to keep busy
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Candy, I understand the jealousy and envy. Just like with Kikomoon I think about what people my age are doing right now. I was in fantastic shape before my first dx and in a fantastic career position before my MBC dx. Now both my fitness and career progression are at a standstill. But also like Kiko, I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy what I can do. Right now with the COVID surge in San Antonio I am home from work and only leaving for medical appointments. But prior to this I did relax a bit and go shopping in my n95 and went for walks and to the park.
Kikomoon I hear you about friends. Being in the military and a female at a higher rank, it has been extremely difficult to make friends. Almost all of my peers are male and it’s difficult to have close friendships with them. The females peers I do have all have children, which I do not. So it makes it extremely hard to find anyone who I can relate with. And now with MBC, that makes it even more difficult. I’m finding that I really regret not making close female friends when I was younger. I always felt that I wasn’t that type of girl but man is that a lie we tell ourselves!
Anywho, life can be bit lonely sometimes….
And now that I’ve sucked the happiness out of the room (haha!) I just wanted to say happy Monday to all you wonderful ladies
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I feel the same way all of you ladies do. I am Envious. I am jealous even though it's not productive, I can't help it. I dont think that will ever be the same either. Nothing will. Now I just have to accept things. Whatever they may be. I have no control over what some Wicked cellular demon can do to me. I sit and wait basically. I binge watch as well. Don't know what I would do without it. My therapist told me today. Each day I have to find something I was thankful for in little increments of time. Little shines of happiness. She called them. Find them in the. Little things. The hidden things. Forcing me to look. Inside and take notice. I decided I really love my dh's voice. It soothes me. I love my sons laughter sound. I love my daughters heart. I'm needing to focus on what I do have. I love my dss for being so strong already a man. I know how hard that is. I’ll do my best.
My best friend has her own business and she does well for herself. I watch her drive her fancy car and dress up in cute outfits that I can no longer wear because of my different sizes in my waist area. Because of the liver surgery and recon. My shoes are boring. Because I need support or I will fall. I'm very unsteady. She travels , rents beach houses and is living. Really wonderful life. I sit and wonder sometimes. What I did wrong. ? Why me. Why us?
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Candy, if PCP recommends it and you want a 4th shot, go ahead and get it. The only way I would not do that is if both doctors said no and then you could ask the reasons so you could understand. You are already very nervous about getting covid and cautious about where you go that if one doctor says yes and it makes you feel safer, go for it. Just my honest opinion given your posts and what your PCP said.
I must also add that all friends of mine at this point are virtual, I have a few that I used to work with for years and years but nobody has mentioned going out at all given the covid stuff and I don't blame them, I interact on the social media stuff and that is about it. My friend Tara would be most likely to go out with me at some point but we do not want to go places while restrictions are there. No movie theatres, indoor dining etc. Not sure how long these will stay in effect but I do know hopsital staff have been affected greatly, nursing shortages are causing problems too. Omicron might be mild but if it is knocking out health care staff, that is really bad.
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Re the 4th shot in Canada, I learned yesterday that most provinces are rolling out a 4th dose for clinically vulnerable. I think they're saying 6 months after the 3rd. That would be April for me if they decide I qualify. The organ transplant people are at the top of the list.
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Thanks for the info Moth. I will just pay attention to the updates here in Ontario. I would certainly take a 4th if needed for sure.
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Candy I think your friend was being candid with you. I think he likes you which is why he continues the relationship. I definitely understand you comparing his freedoms. I know you were working on quality of life activities and then covid and now it still hangs around. What ever happened with that gaming group you participated in?
I was told this omicron might be over by February. I hope so for all of us.
Maybe I mentioned my daughter tested negative for covid. I think she had it but by the time she got tested it was negative. I feel like I've been breathing in lysol, microban and bleach for a week. No one else here got sick for that I am grateful.
Waving hello to all!!!!
Tanya
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THANK YOU my virtual, and true, friends.
Kikomoon- I too try to be thankful for the small things I have. The sun coming in my kitchen window (earlier today, now dark), or a warm house (in the 30's today). Right now in Illinois it is cold. Last week was in the 30's during the day. This Wednesday we are having a warm snap-- high of 50 projected. So too cold for outdoor dining and the such.
Yes, Katyblu, life can be lonely.
Mel hugs to you.
Mara I did send another message to my PCP saying that the MO said no to 4th shot and now waiting on his response. If he says to go ahead if I want to, then I think I will get the vaccine.
Tanya- The gaming group is still meeting. I have not met with them due to Covid. I would like to rejoin them, but not right now, with Covid cases and also "stomach flu" is going around now too from what I hear.
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life can be lonely but so can cancer. I read all of you wonderful ladies thoughts and it makes me mad we got the short end of the stick..
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Got a message back from PCP. My choice on if I want to get the 4th vaccine. PCP does not know why MO not recommending it. Now, to see if the local pharmacy is willing to give it to me with doctors not being on the same page about the 4th vaccine. Good grief.
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Candy- if you feel safer with a 4th shot and your pharmacy is willing go for it.
If so many shots are given will our bodies become immune to them like other virus antibiotics .? Who knows!
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I haven’t gotten my #3 yet. To be honest I don’t feel like feeling shitty again. I feel that way enough. I think it was six months after. Which makes it time for my third shot. I still need my flu shot .
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Mel, I got the third jab of the covid vax at the beginning of January and did get sick to my stomach two days after, that was about it.
Candy, sounds like you got the answer you were looking for, though it is weird MO not recommending it. I would not worry so much about that and do what makes you feel most comfortable and safe. Good luck on finding a pharmacy or clinic to administer it to you.
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Mel- Go get your flu shot and your 3rd Covid vaccine !!!! Our local hospital posts on their Facebook page the number of Covid patients in the hospital and states how many was fully vaccinated and how many was past due for a booster (6 months for shot #3). The past due folks are in the hospital and being on ventilators. Go get your shots !!!
I am going to check with my pharmacy today to see what they found out. 2 different news stations yesterday reported on 4th now available for the immunocompromised. CDC website says 4 for immunocompromised. PCP says it is my call. So, if my pharmacy will administer it, I will do it. I do not understand why my MO doesn't agree though. I hate to send another message asking the "why" since she stated that she is not recommending it at this time. I do have an appointment with her next Monday for my CT, so I could wait till then and ask her in person. Just thinking aloud here. So maybe ask her Monday and then go get shot Tuesday. Hum...
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Candy, I’m sorry your friend said those things. I’m so glad you talked about it. When texting, things can sound mean when they’re not meant that way. I don’t have any friends, except my sister and daughter and my husban. This has been my choice. I seem to do better that way. I do love the women in the Zoom call, though. We have so much in common.
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I have an appt Thursday am for my flu shot. I’ll ask about booster then. Thanks Candy.
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Been away for a bit, trying to read and catch up but Mel's living room is more like an interstate overpass, there is A LOT of traffic in here! I can't keep it all straight in my head.
Mel - I am happy to hear you like your Talk Doc. I've had a few over the years and the good ones you never forget and the bad ones leave you wondering how they got that license on their office wall.KBL - waiting to hear results.
Hi to all and riding along with anyone who needs a pocket buddy.
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Elderberry- How did the bone biopsy go?
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candy: I was just sitting down to write. Thank you for remembering me. It went so much better than I feared. I even enjoyed my "twilight sleep" sedation. I have minimal discomfort in my arm and full mobility. I can take the dressing off tonight so I'll see what kind of hole they punched in my arm. I guess it is a good thing I am thin. There wasn't much flesh to poke through. Now comes the dreaded "waiting for results"
Ready for pocket duty for anyone else.
It is pouring rain here. I am so happy. It is now our normal winter and I don't have to live in fear of pipes bursting in the sub-zero weather. I can go out and walk in my usual Wet Coast winter attire - warm sweater, heavy raincoat and rubber boots.
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My covid vaccine update--- pharmacy called me back. They reviewed the CDC guidelines and will administer the 4th dose to me. I also reviewed my portal messages to and from my MO---I can tell by the nurse's' tone in her responses to me that they have said their peace, that they do not advise on a 4th dose at this time. No reason. But doesn't seem like it is directed at me ("your labs are not that bad" or "your treatment does not make you at extra risk") because the nurse said that they are not recommending the 4th dose to ANY of their patients at this time. I have a CT on Monday so I think I will wait till after that to do the vaccine as I do not want it to somehow mess with the CT dye or scan.
I only have surgical masks. So I asked the pharmacy if they have N95 masks for sale. They are selling them single for $3 per mask. I am going to get a couple of them so I can wear them till I can get boosted. Are they single use? Do you disinfect them between wearings?
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Elderberry- I hope the days fly by till you get your results. And that you get the all clear. Keep us posted.
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Elderberry, I’m glad the biopsy went well and wasn’t as invasive as feared. Here in your pocket for the wait for results.
Candy - Good news on the vaccine front for you! I hope the 4th shot helps
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runor, nice to see you here! It's been a while - or maybe I've just missed your posts.
A while back, my DH was commenting about how good it felt to go for a run, or go rock climbing, or surfing - some activity like that. I can't remember which one as he enjoys them all. I said, "Well I'm glad your life is so good. My life sucks!" We started laughing. My life doesn't actually suck and I know I have a lot to be grateful for. Still, it's hard when I feel limited in what I can do, where I can go, etc. I did have a Zoom meeting with some of my college girlfriends on Sunday. We graduated in 1980. I was going to say "20 years ago", but I realized that it was 42 years ago. 42?!?!?!? Are you kidding me?
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