My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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It feels like i cant outrun sadness and fear in my days. If it’s not me it’s worry for my sister, my children being self sufficient and happy. The entire world has taken crazy pills. I worry about my mother who is slowly losing her desire to be alive. So many things filled with worry and genuine fear for. I don’t remember a day where I didn’t cry over something. I used to listen to music a lot. I can’t do that anymore. It just hits me. Guts me. Takes me back to before I was sick when my kids were little and I was living a happy life I would never need anything else. It takes me back to holding my babies as they were first born. All that time is gone. I can’t get it back. The missing of that peaceful life feeling through my days that made me feel like a woman living her best life. My DH is a precious rare gem. I could love him lifetimes over. Then I had to get sick. Really sick. Like you might have two years to live sick. This could only happen to me i thought. My luck was so bad. I re live the agony and fear quite often. I realize no amount of therapy is going to change the ruins that have been left. I’m forced to live this way. There is nothing I can do about it
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50's, I am always trimming my bio hair, at least once a week. I am more bald on top but the rest grows quite fast. It never came back after the WBR but I like wigs better. My bio hair is a darker brown but I like to wear blonde pixie cut wigs with darker roots so it looks more real.
Goldens, I can relate to the surgery hunger. I had to have two operations for my mastectomy due to the internal bleeding from the first so I was at the hospital much longer than I was supposed to be and by end of day, I was starving.
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50s - it made me giggle, too. It was so clearly not what you meant to say.
Mel - I'm sorry you're in a low spot right now. No doubt the stress of your sisters illness and imminent scan are weighing on you. You are also so good at finding the joy in the small things (painting) and the big things (DH, DS, DD). Please try to keep those thoughts with you when start to feel the loss of other times. Hugs.
Goldens- I hope all is well (and you finally got to eat!)
Candy - crossing fingers your PCP has a plan/solution
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Mel, I empathize with hitting llow points regarding this disease, the way it can affect family as well, especially with two of you going through it at the same time. I can also appreciate worry for what the world is coming to and other family issues as well. I am in your pocket sending as much strength as I can. I am glad you are able to do other things to bring relief to you and agree with seeq that scanxiety for your sister would definitely contribute to your feelings, too many stressors.
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I survived my first post op night much better than anticipated. Getting out of bed and using the restroom has being significantly less painful than when I had my hip replacement. Pain meds are doing the job!. Your pocket duty sure did the trick!😉😉❤️❤️. It was 8:30 pm before I was able to have some soup and yogurt - needed to have a certain level of bowel sounds b4 it was safe to eat. Tomato soup never tasted so good
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Wow,Goldens, I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. I am glad things are going well and that you were able to enjoy that soup.
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PCP has a plan at least. Lots of labwork, echo, CT sinuses. Looking at everything, but he is thinking a Port infection. We will see. Messaged MO.
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Goldens, glad things have gone so well for you post surgery, I can certainly believe that soup tasted delicious after all the time without food.
Candy, glad PCP is running more tests and never really would of thought about a chest port infection to that makes sense to me. Hoping this gets you closer to a solution.
Not doing much today, pulled everything out from under my bed. Initially because I forgot where I put a steamer, I did find it, also did a quick vacuum underneath. With two cats, should really sweep and vacuum daily and just sweep stuff underneath my living room shelf so I can just vacuum in one place. It took a few seconds to empty under the bed and clean up. I have an old bissell vacuum, no head but it still works, was 18.00 at walmart many moons ago, use that to clean up litter area. Steam cleaning my bedding this weekend and then tossing in dryer to remove the extra fur. I suppose I can toss them in more often, we will see.
Making some foods in advance for some meal prep today, no room in freezer for meal prep for the week but can at get some meals planned for today. Probably will cook and grind up sausage and use it through two meals, premake pasta and include eggs and beans, must remember spinach as well, I quite often forget about it in freezer.
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For those following my meals, today's breakfast is two eggs, beans, maybe 1/4 of a cup as I was emptying a container in the fridge and some flakes of ham (canned). Those were done in the frypan. I cooked two hashbrowns in the breville oven at 425 for 15 mins and flipped them halfway through. Will add some wheat bran for fiber. I added small spoon of mayo, ketchup and mustard to bind. Steak seasoning and salt instead. I should mention the steak seasoning is the buttery flavour from Costco. I figure if I don't find it there when I need it, will melt some butter and mix with the seasoning. I got full about 2/3 way in so next meal will include what I put aside. I don't eat til uncomfortably full.
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Oh, sweet mel. I'm so sorry! My heart aches for you. Music can be comforting, but it can also be a gut punch when it takes you back to a time when the world was not so messy.
Love to all. I can't even remember who just had the surgery, and if I scroll back I'll lose everything (I'm working on my laptop.) I'm glad you're healing, and I think it was Candy who is running the fever. I hope they get it figured out. mara, you wear me out just reading about your day!
Carol
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Mel, I hope today finds you at least a little better, if not, everyone here is in your pocket sending healing thoughts your way. It is hard when life is dark, that is for sure.
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Sending healing energy to Goldens, and also to Candy, I really hope your doc figures out what is going on with your fever.
Thank you Mel for your honesty and vulnerability here. I have some days that are so hard and emotionally painful and it truly helps to hear that we all struggle with this. Sending you tons of love. ❤️
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Goldens and Candy- I am thinking of you
Mel- I am so sorry for how you're feeling. Nothing I can say except you are not alone in this mess. We all have those dark days. I know it doesn't make it any easier. Sending hugs your way.
Sondra- enjoy your "me" time and also your spa.
My SSDI was approved yesterday. It took 6 weeks including the agent being out of office for a week. It is truly a bit of stress relief, as my LTD company has been on my butt. They wanted me to use a company to apply that THEY pay, but is a benefit to ME. This company sent me like 10 forms to sign including the right for them to have access to any therapy/psychiatric notes. When I called to to ask why they would need that they were pretty rude, basically "just sign it idiot". No! I will apply on my own!
LTD insurance has been very nice but urging me to use that company "in case it gets denied, you will have to hire a lawyer and wait a long time and physically go to court" finally I said "I have stage iv breast cancer IN MY BRAIN and I will not get stressed out about this possibility" to which she replied, "well you never know" …. wtf. Well anyways it was approved so now LTD won’t have to pay me as much. Good for them. Now stop buggin’ me. Happy hump day everyone
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kikomoon, I'm glad you finally got the SSDI approved, but what a pain to have to talk to those people. It's as if they don't know what the word "terminal" means! Sheesh!
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Thank you ladies. Days run into another but the theme still remains the same. I’m sorry we are all struggling with this beast. I wish so much it wasn’t a thing. My daughter said to me today that she works at a bank and more of her customers that deal with cancer , than not. Either within family , or close friends. I think it all comes down to population control. Earths way. Somedays I can barely handle the life that comes with cancer. Now my sister is experiencing that shit show. She had her pet today. So she’s an emotional wreck. The waiting begins! Thanks to all who read my dark feelings. I have to get them out. We all do.
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Some good news I suppose, after a revision surgery for the unclear margin, today, 4 weeks after, I saw my surgeon. No cancer at all in the 2 segments of,the anterior margin. No invasive cancer, and thankfully no chemo. I’m off to the radiation oncologist on Monday to set up a tx plan for this new primary.Here’s hoping I get another 7 years clear. Xoxo. Be well ladies, I am following along.
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congrats Molliefish!!!! That’s awesome to read. Sending hugs to you.
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Well, I just got back from the radiation oncologist , I've got at least 12 small lesions on my brain, he wants to do another mri in 6 weeks with smaller slices to get a more accurate picture of what is happening and to consult with the rad oncs at the big teaching hospital to see if targeted or whole brain radiation is best but I'm not allowed to drive in the meantime in case of seizures and to go to hospital if anything changes. I'm dreading telling my daughter, she will be more upset than me, I think she's been in denial all this time and this will make it real for her.
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oh Kitty! I am wrapping you and dd closely. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Cancer blows the big effin one
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Molliefish, I am so sorry you have a new cancer to deal with but very happy to hear no chemo for you. Thank goodness for small miracles.
Mel we are here for you no matter whether thoughts are dark or happy, in your pocket and send healing thoughts your way. I am sorry your sister is having a rough time as well as it all is sinking in for her.
It is rainy again today so will get my drugs delivered from the pharmacy. No plans today, laundry and running duster over the floor as is the daily routine. Shortly going to grab breakfast, not sure what yet and do some stepping. I really do not enjoy treadmill so marching it will be. Other than that, nothing except surveys, games and such, brother may or may not text me to go shopping tonight. I don't need anything but will go as that is our visiting time.
Our mail has started again. I have my key but no one else does so they are going to do the mailboxes and leave the key. I for one is relieved as I really did not feel like going to the depot in the winter.
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So sorry Kittykat. Words are not sufficient.
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I am cancelling a lot of things today to save money realizing I have wasted a lot of money. Cancelling Amazon Prime since I will find cat food at the grocery or pet store for less money and good quality, don't really buy anything else at the moment from Amazon and if I look at my recent purchases, they were a waste of money. Cancelling youtube premium which was ad free but so what, cancelled netflix also, I just do not need it all and could save a lot of money not having streaming for a while. I have more of a desire to save and if I make extra money in a month, I have the option to put stuff back on for a month, rather have extra for groceries or other stuff I have decided. May even get rid of disney plus if the shows I watch do not improve. We will see, I think any channel will go month to month anyway. If there is something on, I can subscribe and earn enough to watch them.
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KittyKat, I am sorry you have to join us as a brain mets sister, another club we don't want to join besides the cancer, Stage IV and now the brain. I can understand what your daughter will go through, I went through similar with my own Mom with her cancer. I am in both of your pockets and if you have questions about treatments offered for the mets, PM me or post on Brain Mets Sisters. You'll see a few long term survivors such as Mae, myself and Susan in SF as well as goodie. Good place to ask questions as well.
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KItty-What a gut punch. I hope you can take strength from our amazing brain met sisters. Wishing you and your daughter peace as you deal with this new diagnosis.
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Kitty, I'm so sorry!
mel, wishing you and you sister a peaceful day. Waiting on test results can really suck.
mara, wow, I'm impressed - again. Good for you for taking charge of your finances and finding ways to save.
Waving hi to everyone and of course am here for pocket duty!
Carol
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Kitty, I am sorry for what you are going through. Your daughter will have some trouble with the news, of course, but it is because she cares so much and wants to make it go away. Mara is right about the brains Mets sisters thread. I was encouraged and amazed to see how people who were diagnosed with brain Mets years ago are still living normal lives. People are so helpful there, ready to answer questions, give support, and share personal experiences. once things settle down and you have a plan in place, things can move forward
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Sunshine, the only thing I've decided to keep is the youtube premium as I use that all the time and don't want ads if I am trying a workout video or whatever. Everything else can go. Can watch free TV that was on the next day on local stations.
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Kitty- I’m so sorry about your news of brain Mets. Illimae, Mara, and Susanhave been inspirational to me and are a great help on the brain Mets sisters thread. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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kittykat, well this is crap, I’m sorry that it’s in your brain, that you must break the news to family and that you can’t drive. I’ve heard of people in other countries losing their privilege to drive at brain mets diagnosis, whether they’ve got symptoms or not, bummer.
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Kittykat - I'm so sorry about your progression and the prospect of talking to your daughter about it. I just tried to imagine myself in your shoes talking to my own daughter and I can't even get there. Hopefully, your MO and RO come up with a plan to beat it back.
Candy - it sounds like your PCP is finally taking your situation seriously. I wonder if his/her approach is enough to satisfy your MO at this point.
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