Starting Chemo October 2018
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Rabbit,
I am truly sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish I could make it go away. You have been so very strong through all of this. You will get to the other side of this.
I understand that panic/anxiety. I am having a lot of anxiety about my surgery. What was to be an outpatient surgery is no longer. Because of my liver enzymes, I have to be under general anesthesia. That means I have to spebd the night in the hospital. They had to change my surgery date to January 30th (a week later than what was planned).
The only piece of advice is to just take one day at a time. I sometimes take it one hour at a time. We will all get through this together. Stay strong my fellow warriors!
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Rabbit,
YOU ARE STRONGERTHAN YOU KNOW! Sleep is so important, try melatonin, CBD oil or something from your DR. We are all here for you. You can do this! This marathon of treatment is so hard, but keep fighting,every day! 🤗 🤗 🤗
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Oh, Rabbit, I am so sorry you are going thru this, it just sucks.
I hope it helps you to know you are absolutely not alone in the way you are feeling. I know exactly what you are experiencing, and know that there are others do too, None of us has wanted to talk about it because like you, we didn't want to be downers.
The truth is, this shit is REAL. The depression, the sadness, and the anxiety are all real and present. I suppose we were lulled into the idea that the taxol would be kinder than the A/C, and in truth, it is just different, but not kind at all. The se's from the AC were more predictable and more treatable, whereas this taxol shit is just all over the place for some of us. For me, the physical stuff has been crap, and I also have experienced the deep sadness and loss of joy. It comes and goes, but sometimes stays longer than I am comfortable with. I feel like I have lost my "spark" or whatever you'd call it. Kinda like sleepwalking thru each day, with no real joy for anything. And the inability to sleep just magnifies everything. That's the stuff I was unprepared to deal with. I feel like we sacrifice so much on the altar of BC - our breasts, hair, eyelashes, energy, joy, normalcy, dignity, strength, and any vestige of femininity - but more is always required, prepared or not, it never seems to be enough. There are no choices is this fight, we just go on, plow thru and march to the light at the end of this tunnel.
Please don't give up yet, I don't want you to regret not fighting on. You are not alone, and you are so much closer to being done than you think. You've already come thru so much bullshit, don't give up now. It's not going to get better, I won't lie to you, but you can and will do this. It is temporary, just like when you were away from home. You got thru that, get thru this, and then look back. Keep marching, the mountain lion will tire eventually. Don't run from your lion, he won't stop unless you kill him. You are amazing, strong, and capable of summoning strength from your husband and whomever else you need. Please keep fighting my guinea pig, you deserve to win.
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Rabbit, you are not alone. We are all doing this together. And I can bet that all of us have experienced at least some of those feelings during our journeys (I know that I have).
I'm currently on an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin), or else I think things would have been much worse than they have been for me, so please don't discount the advice of Sadlynew and Fritz. These poisons may be saving us, but they're messing with us in horrible ways as well. Please don't be afraid to reach out and talk to your team about these symptoms and feelings - they may be able to suggest something that could help.
And please feel free to reach out here anytime. We're all here for you. *HUGS*
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Rabbit - you expressed what I go to bed thinking every night. I want to quit. I want my life back. Please know you are not alone in these feelings. We all understand. My heart breaks for all of us. We feel like the earth has cracked open and is waiting to swallow us.
How to get through this? By doing what you're doing. Leaning on love ones, talking with your MO and reaching out to others who understand. I find a good, screaming fit helps me release some of the anger and sadness. I just make sure I'm alone when I let loose!!
Know that we are with you and will support you in whatever you decide.
Annie
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hello all. Well, I thought I would give an update where I am right now. First of all thank you to all of you, everything you all said was right and helpful. I guess more than anything I was speaking out of frustration. Finding myself bent over a toilet most mornings dry heaving from the stress of everything combined with really sucky sleep and everything else is a perfect recipe for a meltdown. I saw my MO yesterday and we discussed the neuropathy in my finger tips on both hands and a host of other things. We decided to move forward, but at a lower dose. So, I WILL be in the chair tomorrow at 1:15pm for Taxol #4. I have been on Prozac 20mg since the end of November and during that time I was also on 2 meds for sleep. I was supposed to see the psych who's monitoring meds on the 7th of this month, but 2 days beforehand they called to tell me they are rescheduling me for the 22nd of February because the doctor has cut back his hrs and in the meantime I ran out of those 2 meds one of which only a psych can prescribe. I sleep best taking both and my MO can prescribe 1 of the 2 but it only gives me marginally better sleep. I decided to go for it and at least take 1 of the 2 at a higher dose even if it improves my sleep only a little, something is better than nothing at this point until February. It is unbelievably hard to get a psych appoint anywhere around where i live, most places have waiting lists into May to see someone, its unbelievable.
I am both glad and sad I am not alone in how I feel. I feel like Patrice said, like I am sleepwalking through my days, with little if any joy...I'm just there. My husband has been wonderful in trying to cheer me up but I know this is taking a toll on him, I heard him crying in the livingroom the other night while he kept saying "Why?" "Why?". I decided to go forward because I have come a really long way, just like you have all said, I want to try and get as far as I can. My MO said if the neuropathy in my fingers gets to the point I start losing fine motor skills I need to let her know, because we would have to stop at that point. The emotional toll of all this is as hard if not harder than the physical. Being married to the doctors office and a chair is also draining. I try and think about all the things i want to do when I am finished with chemo, I keep trying to think about the spring, about how my favorite times where i live is spring and summer, everything is lush and green. During those times I am usually outside with my push mower and weed whacker taking care of the lawn, one of my most favorite things to do for hrs while I take breaks here and there drinking ice cold water or lemonade as I admire my progress and bask in the sun. I try and think of those moments of me time that I enjoy so much. A square of cadbury chocolate, cold milk and a bubble bath. Curling up with a small bowl of coffee ice cream topped with magic shell and cocktail peanuts and a favorite show or movie. My husband tries to get me to think about adventures we can have once I am all done and healed up from everything. We've been thinking about taking a tiny house cross country adventure one day and have been watching youtube videos as inspiration to help us design and think of things we would want in one. It may be quite some time before we ever got to do it, but it doesn't hurt to dream or start the ball rolling!
Thank all of you ladies for your encouragement! Patrice you are so right about what you said about how much we sacrifice for this disease, having read through all of our posts previously we have all been through some serious shit, relentless shit, bull shit, a giant steaming fly covered mound of shit, but yet somehow we plow through all while managing to support one another. I can honestly say I love all of you ladies. Pressing on and pressing forward. Hubby and I have a date with the chemo chair tomorrow
Today I am celebrating for Fritz, you officially did it!! I am so proud and happy for you, how humbling for superwoman to encourage me from the chair. I cannot wait to celebrate being done. I cannot wait to celebrate all of us being done. This guinea pig isn't giving up quite yet.
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Rabbit,
You are absolutely amazing, and I am more proud of you than I can express.
Go get your fabulous ass in the big-girl chair and think of spring.
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Rabbit, so glad to hear that you’re moving forward with chemo!
I am 3 days PFC and I physically feel ok, but mentally am struggling. I’m terrified about my upcoming breast MRI and BMX. I almost don’t even want to know the results of imaging and pathology. It’s all so scary. Everyone around me is so excited that chemo is over and I almost wish it wasn’t.
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Fritz, I hear you on the mental struggle. While I am looking forward to getting this mountain lion out of me, I too share your concerns about what imaging and pathology will show. I guess it’s the fear of whether all the hard months of treatment I’ve fought is going to produce some visible results and a dead tumor when it comes to pathology. Fritz, you have done the impossible you plowed through TAC, all 3 drugs at the same time. You are superwoman. I seem to recall your MO had been sharing with you the observation that it’s been shrinking, that’s good! Heck you coulda had a complete response for all you know. You conquered very aggressive treatment, I bet hearing the results of imaging will ease your mind. Will u be having imaging prior to surgery? Thinking of u today! Including a pic of my countdown dry erase board that I edit every time I come home from taxol,that’s hubby and me, when I had hair
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Good Morning!
I hope everyone is doing well. I am getting ready for my wire placement this Wednesday. My surgery is next Wednesday. I am nervous/anxious about everything. I just want surgery to be over with.
My mom and stepfather will be here next week for my surgery. It will be the first time they will see me since before I was diagnosed.
Here's to all of us moving forward to our next step in treatment. Keep fighting and moving forward!
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Notgivingup, I will be thinking of your this week and next as you prepare for surgery. Glad you will have family around to help with recovery.
I'm a bit frustrated trying to schedule my own surgery. I tried to start the process last month, but my surgeon's office would not even talk about scheduling until after I completed my final chemo. So I called last week and they were able to get me in on Feb 4th, and then I needed to call my PS to set up a meeting with him. Well I can't get even an initial consultation until Feb 14th... exactly 1 month PFC. I've been assured that this won't be an issue, but I want whatever tumor is left out of me ASAP. My MO's office said they will try to get me an earlier appointment with the PS so that the BS and PS can coordinate an earlier surgery date. I assumed I'd be getting this next step over with by mid-Feb, but now it's looking like it'll be closer to late Feb, or even early March.
I hope everyone has a great week! It's in the negative temps here, so the kids and I are staying warm inside on this MLK day.
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hello all! Had bloodwork today and I'm all good to go for Taxol #5 on Thursday, woot woot! Knocking another "Poison!" down!
Notgivingup-thinking of you as you prepare for surgery, be sure and check in and let us know your alright and how it goes! You'll do great!
Fritz, I hear ya on wanting to get the bastard out, that's all I tell my husband these days is that I want this #$^#@% thing outta me. I hope all can be coordinated between everybody to get you a surgery date. I won't get my date till after I see the BS after chemo 9 to go over 2nd breast mri to restage me prior to surgery, then I'll get my date which will be 1 month after I finish chemo probably mid march beginning april. I am really looking forward to getting the month break but at the same time I feel like ripping this thing outta me. Your a very strong woman Fritz, your superwoman, hang in there
Casey, I know your surgery is coming up on the 30th, you can do this! You got through AC and that is no easy feat. Once you have the surgery you'll have the bastard out, think of it that way, yanking out the mountain lion as it were with lots of cool drugs to keep you comfy afterwards. You got this!!
Sister Strong, Antigone, Joules, Casey, SadlyNew, Taurus, Annie, Patrice, and everyone else, thinking of you guys and hoping all is well. Keep kicking ass and taking your "Poison" like the badasses you all are!
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rabbit - love the pic! So wonderfully proud of you for beating Taxol #5. 12 weeks didn’t seem too daunting until you get in it and have to cross your fingers your numbers are good. Last week, my numbers were too low for Taxol. Was like a kick to the stomach. Had injections and waited until this week (today) and got #7 done. After the next one, you will be halfway done. And its a really really good feeling. Continue to stay strong and let’s keep kicking butt!
For those with upcoming surgery, deep breaths. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - chemo is worse than surgery. You all can do this.
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Y'all I started radiation and I hate it. I am so tired of being the only person in the room with my shirt off. Everyday there are 3-5 lovely ladies standing looking at me as I take my robe off and get on the table. For me, radiation is so much harder than Taxol. It's everyday, I have to face all these shame issues, and it scares me to think what daily radiation is doing to me. Maybe the lesson is for me to be okay feeling vulnerable, an emotion I do not like. On the plus side, Taxol is done and the SEs are going away! I do still feel like my brain doesn't function at 100% and I don't trust my memory, but I'm assuming all will be right again at some point.
I saw a oncology nutritionist and learned that I need 80-100 grams of protein a day during radiation! That is a lot! I've been vegetarian/vegan for 8 years and I just started eating meat again to help with the protein intake. I was feeling so weak and tired at the end of chemo and I had no idea what was going on. Now I know. I was getting at most around 40 grams of protein a day during chemo and my body was not happy. I definitely feel stronger now and I'll continue to eat meat until I finish with chemo. Have any of y'all seen a dietitian during your treatment? I wish I had done it sooner.
Stay strong everyone! I think of our little group often.
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Rabbit - I am so proud of you!!
I am thinking of all you getting ready for supper. I agree with Saddlynew - chemo is so much worse than surgery.
Joules - I am suppose to do 7 weeks of radiation. I hate it for you.
I was suppose to start Taxol along with herceptin and perjeta today. Due to shortness of breath issues, (huffing and puffing) and low pulse ox, I went for a chest x-ray today and will have another echo on Thursday, instead. My MO also thinks I am a diabetic. I've never had blood sugar problems before. I really don't know if I can handle any more bad news.
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Rabbit woohoo! One more down!! Great news about your bloodwork!
Sadlynew, I'm glad you were able to knock out another Taxol even though you had to delay it a bit. I hope you're right about chemo being harder than surgery. I met a woman on Monday at the BC support group that was getting ready for her exchange surgery, and she was complaining about how horrible TEs have been, and if she had known, she wouldn't have done reconstruction. That scared me a bit. She let me feel her foobs, which was super awesome of her, especially since we had literally just met 3 minutes prior. It's amazing the community BC forms, as much as the reason we come together sucks.
Joules, I hate that you're struggling with rads. I wish there was more dignity with all the treatments we have to endure to beat this disease. We lose our hair, our breasts or part of them, have to undress in front of strangers daily or weekly. And people are shocked when we end up with PTSD!
Annie, I hope all the tests come back normal! Chemo does crazy things to our bodies, so hopefully it's just SEs that will subside with time.
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Good Evening!
Today I had my "wire placement". Actually it wasn't a wire. It is something else. I call it a microchip/homing device. It wasn't too bad getting it, but my anxiety was really going. The device will allow the surgeon to locate where to remove tissue.
I just wanted to let you all know how things are progressing on my next step on this journey. Next up for me is going to nuclear medicine at the hospital to get "lit up" as I say. It is so my surgeon can find my lymph nodes on Tuesday. My surgery is in one week. I'm anxious to have the surgery, but also anxious to get it over with.
I hope everyone is doing well.
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hello all! Back home from Taxol #5! Went to Chipotle with hubby afterwards for a steak salad with all the trimmings- wonderful. Went grocery shopping afterwards because saturday and sunday are my symptom days. Ive noticed that the nail on my right big toe is sore, I sure hope that doesn't mean it wants to fall off! On a positive front for some reason I was able to take a nap yesterday and then today while I woke up in the middle of the night after a little bowl of cereal and an hr of watching the show the last alaskans i went back to bed and i woke up and it was 11:00am- just a couple hrs away from my infusion- SLEEP! How cool is that! Next infusion will mark the halfway point!!
Sadlynew-I hear ya on the number 12 sounding daunting. And like you when there was a delay on Taxol #4, I felt like how you did like it was a punch to the stomach! My MO doesnt want me to worry about coming in for shots to keep counts up so she lowered the dose slightly and bloodwork is coming back beautiful. Also, the slightly lowered dose made my neuropathy symptoms disappear, whooooo
Joules, Im so sorry your not enjoying rads. I like you hate the overexposure as it were that comes to this disease, everyone on earth gets a free show and gets to cop a feel.We should charge admission or somethin. I hope rads gets easier for you as you move forward. I was afraid of needles before chemo, but now between bloodwork all the time and chemo now i'm like "Okay vampire, you've come to suck me dry or load me up with something, get it over with!" I like you find protein makes me feel better. Peanut butter, tuna fish, eggs, protein shakes and red meat are my go to's - red meat helps with making blood - I make sure and get some vitamin c in me too as that helps with white blood cells. I too am having memory issues, so i am sure to keep things on a magnet on the fridge that are important or do what i need to do shortly after i remember them. I keep a notepad not far from me to help me remember things too, I think after we get through all this mess things will start "normalizing" for us
Annie, oh my goodness!! I hope your feeling better and they found a cause for your symptoms. I am so sorry about another diagnosis being tacked on, it seems like we can never catch a break these days. Check back in with us and let us know how the tests turn out.
Notgivingup- I'm thinking of you as the days come closer to surgery, I just know you'll do great lady in red!
Hope those recovering or in the chair are doing well. We are all starting to close in on our finishlines
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Hello lovely ladies. Today I had my final mid-cycle blood draw (all good there) and appointment with my MO. He was unusually chipper today and said that he is anxious to see the results of the MRI I will be having on Feb 1st. He told me that in all the years that he has been an oncologist (since the mid-80's) that I am in the top 10% of his patients for clinical response to chemo... so what he manually feels in my breast now compared to when I was first diagnosed is one of the best responses he's encountered. I think that's supposed to make me optimistic for imaging and surgery results? I'm afraid to believe him incase pathology still finds cancer. I don't want to be devastated.
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fitzmylove so happy we are near the end had my 5 th of 6th infusions last Friday but they get harder, I’m nauseous all the time and find it hard to eat, trying to hang n for one more time. MRI scheduled for February 22nd hoping for good news before surgery. Best of luck to you, sounds like you have this
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m having a bad night just threw up and then my husband, who’s been great until now, blamed me for not seeing a doctor sooner, meaning for cancer, I’m devastated, this ishard enough without blaming myself now, I already do, but any of us can find ourselves on this horrible cancer nightmare.
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Newfromny - I am so sorry. People tend to lash out when they're scared or upset. You have done nothing to cause this. I wish I knew what to say to help.
My husband yelled at me for apologizing so much. I feel like I say "I'm sorry" twenty times a day. Sorry for how much this is costing. Sorry for how this has changed our lives. Sorry because it has taken over our lives. Sorry, sorry, sorry!! Why do we feel guilty over getting a disease that we have no control over?
Annie
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Newfromny- I am so sorry your having trouble with se its no fun for sure, but you only got one more left, you are at the finishline, you just need to finish that last one to bring your foot over the line. You can do it!! I am having an mri too in february on the 13th at taxol #8 to restage me prior to surgery, I like you hope to hear some good news, a pathological complete response would be good! I am hoping the same for you! They are having me do my mri between #8 and #10 to see how the taxol is working, if more won't make much of a difference I get to have surgery earlier and stop chemo. What Annie wrote regarding your husband is right. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that your husband may be struggling watching you suffer during treatment. He may feel helpless because he cannot do anything to prevent how your feeling and said what he did out of frustration. And like Annie said you did nothing to cause this and its nothing you have any control over, nobody wishes cancer on themselves.
Sometimes just for no reason I'll quietly go over to my husband and hold him and tell him I love him. While he is my cheerleader I know this is taking a toll on him too because he loves me. Men are fixers, they like to fix things when there is a problem and when they cannot fix it its hard for them. My husband cannot take away my pain, my suffering or my cancer and it hurts him. This disease is scary for us and those around us. We don't want the disease and those around us don't want it for us either.
What I'm trying to say is hang in there
I hope this was helpful in some way, please check back and continue to let us know how your doing 0 -
Rabbit - so well said! My husband has developed an eye tick since the day we found out I had cancer.
Newfromny - I so hope you get good news. You are so close. You can do this.
I hope we all have a good weekend.
Annie
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Rabbit, Annie thank you so much for the kind words, my husband apologized the next day, he just feels helpless that I’m having such a hard time. It is really hard on them too. I’m having a tough time with the nausea and vomiting this time. We’re all doing so well , just need to keep going, it’s a tough journey
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Newfromny, I’m sorry your husband lashed out at you. Caregivers have a hard time, but that’s no reason to blame us for things we have no control over. I’m glad he appologized the next morning. The cancer care center near me has a caregiver support group. Is there something like that by you that he might be willing to check out?
For those of us having surgery next, will your doctor be restaging you? I’ve read that being done on different threads, but I wonder if it’s something all doctors do? I’m IIIA pre-chemo. Could I be downstaged if chemo did a good job? How does that work
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Y'all, I'm so glad you're here. It's just nice to know there's a group of amazing women who know what it's like to go through breast cancer treatment. It can feel isolating.
So I finished Taxol 3 weeks ago and my eyebrows and eyelashes have started falling out! There are baby eyebrow hairs coming in already and I'm sure it's the same with the lashes. I have about 8 lashes/eye, lol. My hair is slllllooooowwwwlllyy growing back in. I think I expected it to just grow back in a normal fashion, like it would if I shaved my head before chemo. Not the case. It is baby fine and I think a different color and is not growing back evenly. A survivor I know said hers grew back white and then the pigment recovered and it grew in her normal black color so that she had reverse roots, so to speak. Pretty funny. I think my hair is growing back in multiple colors. Bizarre. At least I know the cancer managed to damage my cells.
Did I mention that I started Tamoxifen 3 weeks ago? So far so good. Rather than decreasing my libido, it makes me want to have sex more! I've looked online and apparently some women have this happen. Now to just have the energy!
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Kjelftr - Thinking of you tonight. Not sure if you will be in the chair tomorrow or not, but I know we were there together last time. If you are, I hope # 6 goes well for you! You will be DONE with the TC!
I hope everyone has minimal SE's and keeps moving forward one step at a time. I really appreciate the support I found here when I was having anxiety over the last round. Y'all got me through it. THANKS!
F
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lm getting number three Taxol right now. I’ve been very lucky with the chemo so far. No nausea, but the taste problems are the worst. The sore mouth is a pain also.
I no longer have to take the steroid pills before the Taxol which is a great plus. My surgery isn’t until after the Taxol. I’m not looking forward to that. Husband has been very great, but I get irritated by him always asking if anything is wrong. He has been a champ throughout this ordeal & I know it could be a lot worse. I just want to be done with it!
My eyelashes are on their way out, also all rest of my hair! Hairs on my head are coming in pretty fast, but it is very sparse.
Next week will be kind of dicey. Doctor may give me a shot of Nuelasta, before the next treatment.
It’s so good to find this forum.
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