I’m so ANGRY
I was diagnosed on August 16 and scheduled for lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy on September 18th. I have been planning and preparing for surgery and whatever comes after. This website/community has been very helpful in providing info and support.
I don’t know how to deal with my rage. I am so angry at the situation I find myself in. The rage is just below the surface but I’m afraid I will lash out at those trying to help/support me. I thought it would subside after first couple weeks but it’s only intensified and it’s making me feel like a horrible person as many have more serious situations. I do not have to finance my own care, have no young children, I have support and diagnosis was not the worst.
What do I do with this rage? I feel it’s consuming me.
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Get in your car, drive somewhere and park with not too many people around (like a carpark on a sunday morning etc). Close the windows turn up the music, then scream at the top of your lungs. Rage and use every swear word that you would never ordinarily use. Shout and scream and rage about the unfairness of it all.
After awhile you should get tired of it and calm down. I dont know if it helps long term but it stopped me from punching my Breast surgeon and his nurse.
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or you could go see a counselor. Personally I prefer to go on my solitary rants. Less expensive.
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Anger: completely expected human reaction to fear. Your life is threatened, which throws us into flight or fight mode. You can't flee, so to speak, so you are ready to fight and anger gives us the adrenaline to fight--that's where the anger comes from. Punch pillows, run as fast as you can, do some physical action. Screaming helps but when I'm in F or F mode I have to put that emotion into action. I have to wear myself out till I can't move any more. So whatever you can do, release that pent up emotion (it's very primal: it's that "I'm terrified of this saber tooth tiger and I need to outrun the hell out of it so I don't die" feeling).
Don't judge yourself that you have it. Anger into action works. Unreleased anger keeps us in stress reaction for extended periods of time, and wreaks havoc on our bodies in other ways. Release that righteous anger that you are experiencing through some physical action that wears you out till you feel like you have no more bones in your body. Eventually it will subside but for now--you're completely justified in feeling really pissed off at the world that this is happening to you.
Claire in AZ
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I've been angry ever since my diagnosis since I was told for decades that my dense breasts were normal and negative mammograms. No suggestions from any radiologist to have further follow up due to the density and when finally found was 6 cm with two positive nodes. The tumor could only be seen on an MRI. The reason for the MRI was the fact of the two enlarged nodes seen on my annual mammogram. Could not see the tumor even on US. Very odd. Now at any opportunity I tell women who have been told they have dense breasts to insist on further studies.
Now, I'm not only still angry but also scared that recurrence is just around the corner due to the size of the tumor and the 2 nodes. I have follow up tests and doc appts in Oct. and have ambivalent feelings. Every ache, every pain, every slight headache and I'm wondering. This hasn't taken over my life yet but lies just under the surface. And I wish it would or could go away. My last rad treatment was May of 2018 and any testing so far has been negative but you just never know with this damned disease. I guess the only thing going for me may be my advanced age and a non aggressive tumor grade. For once being old is good! I turned 80 this year and have a fairly new marriage that I would like to enjoy for at least 10 years. But can't count on that now. He has been truly my rock through all of this. This was not at all on my radar as I have no family history that I know of and had had those decades of supposedly negative mammograms. My BS told me that it had probably been there for ten years and that I had done everything right and it still wasn't good enough. If I had known then what I know now about dense breasts I would never have settled for annual screening mammograms. They were useless for me and probably others out there that think they are out of the woods.
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hello honey I cried I got angry why me then decided to fight with Positivity and thoughts of HOPE and my Faith. I was preparing for our 2nd marriages at diagnosis going into new marriage with man I prayed for then this. I am now this yr a 25 yr Survivor Praise God. Hang in there sweetie have your cry scream. But have HOPE. msphil idc stage2 0/3nodes 3mo chemo before and after Lmast got married then 7wks rads then Honeymoon and 5yrs on Tamoxifen
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Thank you all for your responses. It's good to know anger is normal response and that it's not selfish to feel that way. I have been doing push-ups since my diagnosis to strengthen my arms and shoulder as I also just coming out of frozen shoulder and need to be able to lift that arm well. Yesterday I did pushups until I couldn't go any farther and I think that did decrease some of my feelings of anger. So I guess I will be my own drill sergeant and when I feel the anger bubbling I will say Drop and give me 20.
Thanks again for the support.
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Hi Gussy, me too (about the false positive mammos and dense breasts). I had one NP tell me (when she did a breast exam about 14 years ago) exclaim, Wow! You have really dense breasts! Never did she, or any radiologist or tech, tell me I was at risk for b.c. because trouble is difficult to detect with breast density. I had 5 clear mammos ---the final one just before I was dx about 2 months later--that never caught the cancer.
US PLUS mammo--better line of defense when dense breasts are being scanned for potential threats.
Claire in AZ
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I feel the anger, it’s not good, I’m lost in all the reports, meet my surgeon Tuesday, I feel like a zombie, no direction,
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I was so angry that my life seemed to come to a halt with my diagnosis and my future immediately wiped off of the map but I found this forum and read stories from women in different stages of this disease and they got over their anger and fear and started living again even though they were going through chemo/radiation/immunotherapy/hormone therapy/surgery/complications from any of those. These women are my role models now and if they can live their lives while fighting this disease then so can i.
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ChaClary...
Your rage is normal...find a place in an open field and SCREAM as loud and long as you can.
Horses and cows don't care. If humans hear you, tell them you have Cancer. 😉. If they ask you why you're screaming, no answer will be enough.
I'm 2 days past my second DX of breast cancer. In the other breast.
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I went right into the fear stage and bypassed the anger one but I kept my game face in the whole time. I didn’t want my children in particular my youngest son to see me sweat. I relied on several friends and my sister to get me through the rough spots.
It does get better. I’m 8 years out last month. Time helps.
You need to give yourself permission to be angry. It’s a sucky insidious disease. We sure didn’t ask for it and oncologists don’t know why we are the chosen ones.
My suggestion would be don’t let BC control you or define you. There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.
This website was my lifeline. It’s a great place to air your gripes and ask questions or seek advice. Who knows what you are going through better than us.
Keep the faith and keep us posted.
Diane
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I was very angry and mean to people involved in treatment just like you, pre-surgery.Mainly because I'd had many annoying health problems in life and I thought those were sort of like my exchange (you get acne so you don't have to get breast cancer). My friend who works in the hospital said everyone was probably thinking "here comes the bitch." But then the surgery and radiation were way easier than expected so I improved. Then they wanted me to take tamoxifen -- still refusing -- so I'm angry again. it's like enough is enough, even if your diagnosis isn't the worst it could be. I totally understand, fwiw.
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You are NORMAL! I am a selfish being, I handled my rage by lashing out . At people. People i knew would understand. My BFF, my husband, a good friend who is conveniently an oncologist. I was a total bitch. Why this?! Why that?! Why should I have to X?! Why ME??!! It's so unfair! I did everything right!!! Why can't they find a godamned CURE!!??!!
You get the picture. I always felt so much better afterward. I had two memorable episodes of this. Then I seemed to calm down and just go with it. Focused on how lucky I was in many ways etc. But no way I could have done that without letting loose my rage too. I was not however mean to anyone of my nurses or doctors. They were all so very nice, it was impossible. Plus, I know where my bread is buttered.
Hopefully you have someone to vent to. If not, counseling is a great idea. Maybe even if you do.
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I'm dealing with anger right now--was dx'd w/ melanoma in August, 2017, fractured my pelvis May 2018, and dx'd with BC this past April.
Oh and I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
So yes, I'm really at my limit, I've had enough and I'm so incredibly fucking tired of people saying I'm lucky, or I'm strong or I've got this or (fill in the blank with any well meaning platitude).
No, I'm not lucky.
I'm not particularly strong, either.
I don't know that I've got this. Stay tuned until I hopefully die from something different.
I'm in therapy because everything I already dealt w/ from the sexual abuse is back with a vengeance. The PTSD is destroying me. And my best coping strategy for all of this is running--which is compromised from radiation treatments.
So fist bump in angry solidarity.
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edj3. I'm angry for you!
Yes the "strong" thing is such total bull. Strong? What choice do I have? I mean seriously, crawl under a rock and ignore it and pretend it'll just go away? Because I had surgery and did what the doctors told me does NOT make me "strong." WTF else are we supposed to do?
I do try to believe, note I said "try", in the lucky thing. Because compared to others I am better off and I feel I'm tempting fate otherwise. Swell, let's just add superstition to the bargain too why don't we?!
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Hello all,
I have done two individual counselling sessions since my diagnosis. The first one I talked about the roller coaster I was on. Yesterday I had second one and I talked about my anger. Funny thing discussing my anger actually made me angrier. The counsellor gave me some tools to use like planning a time to be angry, putting my anger in a box and taking it out at set time. That also made me want to shout BS. She also sent me so apps which I will try and do my best to help myself with tools provided. I told my spouse about my session and he said he understood or at least he’s trying to understand. I sent him BCO article on preparing for survivorship. I think it will help him understand my anger as my life is changed and in tandem his too. That’s what I think makes me the angriest there is no perfect solution only deficits from former life in degrees some better some worse but no going back.
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Anger can be a "safer" emotion than sadness or fear, which are often underneath anger.
Anger can incinerate you from the inside whereas sadness is softer and can be integrated. Anger is that permanent feeling of "no fair!" that may be righteous but does not get "justice" so does not easily transform. If you dig under the anger you may be surprised what else is there.
I have felt fear and sadness but not anger. Instead of "Why me?" I guess I feel "Why not me?" I'm no better than any other 1-in-8 of us....
I think when we have suffered horrifically as children the anger we feel in adulthood may be partially or mostly an artifact of that pain and rage that went unhealed and is still there nice and fresh when we are triggered.
I send hugs to anyone who was made to suffer as a child. Children deserve safety and love.
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Just adding another first bump of angry solidarity to the list, my friends!
...grumble grumble grumble....
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santabarbarian I know that you mean well.
Please trust that I know myself and when I say I'm angry, I am in fact angry. This isn't a poor me situation, what I'm feeling is anger. Enough is enough.
My odds aren't 1 in 8; my first dx was melanoma (1 in 10 are dx'd with that). Because of that cancer, my risk is higher for all of these:
- Salivary gland cancer
- Small intestine cancer
- Breast cancer (in women)
- Prostate cancer
- Kidney cancer
- Thyroid cancer
- Soft tissue cancer
- Non-Hodgkin lymphoma (NHL)
I'm angry because I did the healing work to deal with the trauma from my childhood. But some of the procedures I've had over the last four months have indeed triggered the PTSD, and now I'm back dealing with that shit again.
I probably should just take this to the steam room.
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I have had a melanoma also. Twice. (One was during BC treatment!.) Yet anger is not my response to having BC.
I am really curious: you are angry at whom, or what? Life? Fate? God?
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I think fundamentally I'm not going to be able to share with you in a way that makes sense to you--I'll bow out of this conversation and wish you well.
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Ok I wish you well too.
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I've had four different cancers (and quite a variety pack of other health issues), and all I've felt was mildly pissed. 🤔
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I haven't been angry. I've also found myself as an optimist to be in a better mood dealing with cancer than many with whom I come into contact. I don't understand anger, but assume it's because you aren't in control. You may have exercised and eaten healthfully or are upset that your vision for life didn't come to fruition.
All I can suggest is to maybe journal about how you feel. Write about all you are thankful for. Volunteer to help those with bigger problems than your own. Get some exercise. Read biographies or historical fiction about strong women. Get back to the religion of your childhood. Let go. You are not in control. Accept. See the silver lining.
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I have hit the wrong/bad side of very small odds a few times in my life. I have never said "why me". I know that even with the tiniest of risk, it's still going to hit someone, so why not me?
But there are times when I have been angry. Very angry. It is separate and different. It can come on for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes it's a reaction to having no control over things that are having a massive impact on my life. Sometimes it's a reaction to the stupidity and insensitivity and general cluelessness of other people. Sometimes it's the result of just being too overloaded with crap. For me, it is a coping mechanism, a way to quickly blast through all the crap so that I get to the other side and am able to deal with everything that I have no choice but to deal with. I don't fight it or get concerned about it because I've come to realize that it's my mind's way of coping.
For those of you who haven't been angry, I don't know why you are commenting here about something with which you have no experience. Don't pass judgement on those of us who have been angry and do get angry. Don't theorize on what's causing our anger - if you haven't been there, you don't know. And don't try to fix us.
And for those of you who do get angry, know that there's nothing wrong with that. Don't fight it, use it.
The Value of Anger: 16 Reasons It's Good to Get Angry. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/value-of-anger-16...
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I did not get angry - really angry - until, after being told that I was lucky and would only need 1 surgery, radiation and hormonal tx, I then had to have another surgery (you’ll just need hormonal tx) and THEN heard, “Hasn’t anyone explained your tumor status?” I needed chemo as well. That is when I felt anger.
That is also when I openly discussed my anger with my husband. He suggested that I needed to connect with people experienced in what I was going through. That brought me here and ‘here’ I started listening and learning and doing better. By the time I had my plan from the MO and bought and prepared and read and consulted, I was quite calm yesterday starting chemo
I think the MO revelation of the Dx brought the anger (at who/what didn’t matter. I felt powerless.) and the MO plan started my recovery (my power.)
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Obviously people react differently. The anger isn't permanent or long term. At least not for me. I'm angry, I blow. It's over. I've been pretty damned positive throughout this ordeal, but I've also been angry. They're not mutually exclusive. It's also possible to think "WHY ME?!" in a moment of anger, yet generally feel that yes why not me.
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edj3, I hope you don't bow out of this thread. I am someone who has a lot of anger and it comes out sideways many times. It is comforting to be around someone who isn't afraid of anger.
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Well said Beesie - totally agree. Thank you for the great and timely reminder ....
"And for those of you who do get angry, know that there's nothing wrong with that. Don't fight it, use it.
The Value of Anger: 16 Reasons It's Good to Get Angry. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/value-of-anger-16..."
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I agree with Cowgirl, EdJ. Please stay. We can all benefit from each other. Sending you big hugs my friend. PTSD is hideous. I have myr own versions with the medical field from the past 20 years which my counselor and I are working through. Unfortunately recent events with my MO & her clinic have brought that all back to a head. I can completely sympathize with the anger of having to try to heal up and revisit old wounds thought long & gone. Be kind to yourself, we are going through alit. One day at a time we will fight back the PTSD into the shadows. Together we are stronger.
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