I’m so ANGRY
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I have only read page 1 and am glad I saw this thread. I will continue to read as I have very angry moments and almost all at my husband. More later but it did occur to me right away why those who are not angry, are posting here.
Marian
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Hi, your post really helped me, thank you. I feel exactly the same way, angry. Angry about everything, and I feel angry towards anyone I come into contact with. I was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago, have to have mastectomy but no surgery date yet. I’m most angry at still having to go to work like everything is normal. I’m angry at my husband for not fixing or trying to fix my situation, though i don’t know what I expect him to do, even if he could do it! I’ve been feeling so self-absorbed and wrapped up in my own bitterness and anger, and I just feel lost to be honest. Reading the responses to your post really helped, thank you for posting that. I hope you are having a good day today
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I’m still Angry lol. Since I posted this 2 weeks ago another lump was discovered when the seed was put in original one 2 days prior to surgery so they just added in to surgery. As I slunk back to change room I felt it building. Inside that little box I let out a low guttural moan, then through gritted teeth out came the anger. The word seething describes it well. I jumped up down like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I did not scream just seethed through my teeth. I know people probably heard me, but they let me be. After 10mins or so I felt calm enough to dress and leave that little cubicle. I didn’t see anyone and proceeded to go home. I think letting it out helped. I has my surgery 4 days ago and I did feel initial relief. Now I am back to realizing its first step down, but nothing will ever be the same and my life is not my own as I’m sharing it with cancer. I have been isolating myself as I feel I will lash out any minute. I have been seeing a counsellor and tried some advised meditations and hopefully they will help eventually. I appreciate everyones comments and perspectives. Thank you
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Dear Sunnyborth,
Welcome to the BCO community. We are sorry for your diagnosis and at the same time so glad that you have reached out here to share your story. We hope that you will stay connected and benefit from the support and information readily shared here by our members. We are all here for you.
The Mods
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ChaClarey. I have found time to be a great help on the anger. Over time you will hopefully see good results from your treatments, and that helped me reconcile much of my fury. As you have found here, you are not alone. Fingers crossed for great results.
Sunnyborth. Hoping things go well for you and you find a community here.
All the best. Moving.
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Marian,
I am asking the same question as you? If folks are not angry now, or ever have been angry re theirbreast cancer diagnosis....why in the world would they post on a thread titled " I am so angry"....? I get reading the post, as I read many posts at times that interest me, but, I don't post, as I don't want to derail the intended message. I have also seen this on other posts such as in Alternative treatments. Members go to that section to discuss treatment that is not standard of care......because that's what they believe in, it's that simple. Then, folks that would never consider alternative treatments jump in and talk about what a poor choice it is. Am I missing something here?
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I realized when I posted about my anger towards my husband that it may come across differently than what I mean. Cancer has actually helped us in terms of communication and our marriage but our expectations are often so different. I can snap and within seconds be crazy with anger. Luckily I get better at stopping myself but I cannot imagine having this happen with anyone else. The kids made me pretty crazy but that was more frustration. I myself went to some counselling sessions but I cannot get him to either come with me or go himself. We have been married almost 36 years and I know we are not separating. I have to retake the good and figure out how to deal with the rest.
Maria
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I have read and reread this thread. If you are up to a personal story, well I'd like to share. I've seen anger that has overtaken my sister's life and destroyed her relationship with me. I on the other hand, have become a pretty much "It is what it is" person. But the favorite naughty "F" word, well I keep that in my back pocket and use it when I get pissed off. Then, the anger subsides fairly quickly.
Like another poster, I too was sexually assaulted, repeatedly as a child. Along with physical and mental abuse by my own father, who was always angry. A wrong word, or a wrong look and a belt strap would be used across the legs. A punch in the face. A Step-Mother who was as mentally abusive in her own horrible way. My sister is a year older then I, was a small child when her sexual abuse started. One day as an adult I finally found the courage and told the family what had occurred. We had been isolated, so the family only knew bits and pieces. My sister told me she too had been sexually abused for years and her anger spilled over and she asked "why me and not her" (referring to me), of her abuser. Well, he took her up on that very question and that's when my abuse started. I never felt angry at my sister for what she said. She was a child and was hurting terribly. At 13 I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts. Lots of hormone treatments. A miscarriage at 16, kept secret. I was sexually active with a boyfriend at the time and still being abused at home. So on to the pill. I continued with female trouble for years that led to a hysterectomy . On to HRT for many years. I mention this as family history and hormones, well I was pretty much a sitting duck for breast cancer.
At 17 I hit the wall, so to speak. I stood in the hallway banging my fists against the wall and screaming out loud that I just couldn't go on any longer. I was so angry all the time and suicidal. I lived in constant fear that he would one day kill one of us, or all of us (4 children).
I am not a very religious person, but I felt a presence, a warm touch on my shoulder and a calmness came over me. The very next day I left home, hired an attorney and moved in with family members. As for counseling, she never accepted the offer to go. I attended one session and frankly talked about an hour and felt satisfied that I was gonna be OK. I had found a way to take my anger and use it as constructively as possible. Oh and I'm a talker, especially when I am nervous.
I gained a great deal of self-confidence thru the years. I had married young, divorced him quickly (as he struck me but once) and remarried a gentle character for 40 years now. My sister, well she is always angry at me, at my youngest brother and no longer speaks to either one of us. She ran with the bad boys, discarded the good ones and married and divorced repeatedly. To this day she still gets angry about any slight or supposed slight. She had uterine cancer, I had breast cancer. She is a few years removed from her diagnosis, chemotherapy and hysterectomy. I was misdiagnosed this year with invasive cancer (when in fact in was encapsulated) and had a double mastectomy. Otherwise I would have opted for a lumpectomy. Lymphadema has left me in a great deal of pain. No doubt I was damn angry. And then I made a mindful decision to let it go. It is what it is.
As for my sis, she has come in and out of my life. I always stood by her as I love her deeply and would open up my arms to her again. She wouldn't let me be there for her cancer diagnosis and treatment and chose not to help me in mine. All due to out of control anger. It's complicated.......
Please take from this what can help, what does not please disregard as I by no means wished to hijack your thread. Best wishes.
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ChaClarey, you're active in dealing with your anger and that's to be commended. You permit yourself to feel the anger, you have sought counseling and you meditate. All positive ways to address the matter.
I take daily anti-anxiety medicine. At one point I thought maybe I didn't need it anymore and stopped taking it. I started snapping at people and situations. I realized the anti-anxiety meds helped take off the edginess I felt. For me, in some ways anxiety, fear and anger are interwoven.
The mbc diagnosis forever changed the dynamic between my husband and me. He couldn't “protect" me from bc. It was difficult for him to accept that. Dh is there for me in the ways that he can be. For some things, I was now on my own. I had to reach deep down inside myself to find ways to cope and had to create what I couldn't find. Even tho I was 50-something, I was still growing up. I had to develop strength not previously needed.
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Irishlove, I am sorry for the toxicity in your family of origin. Thank goodness you have a gentle good husband now.
I too used to be angrier than I am now. One thing that made a difference was mindfulness meditation, and another was Neurofeedback. I did 20 sessions of a system called Neuroptimal. This is a therapy that works with the R brain where a lot of unconscious memory and emotion reside. About half way through the treatment I began hearing a compliment that I had never before heard, "Thanks for being so patient." I remember hearing it about 3 times in one week as some typical annoying things happened, and I was not annoyed. The Neurofeedback helps your R brain settle and calm. It also really helped my sleep and turned me into a deep sleeper. Two big benefits.
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Hugs movingsoccermom. That SUCKS! I'm so glad you're PET scan shows improvement. I hope that continues.
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Thank you LaughingGull, edj3 and Mom2bunky.
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Irishlove, thank you for sharing your story. You are a miracle. Bless you.
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Good thread. I'm angry too! I'm def more irritable and go to 0 to 100 in 2 seconds. I'm angry at life. I'm angry the cards I was dealt. Im angry with having to go through chemo, surgery and all that just to worry the rest of my life that it will come back and I won't be able to truly live. Im angry that cancer has stole my joy “for now" im angry because I see people abusing their body and they don't get cancer. They smoke like chimneys and drink tons of alcohol or do drugs and I don't do any of that, I don't even smoke and I end up with cancer. I'm angry with myself for feeling self absorbed because of my sickness. I'm angry at so many things. I'm angry cancer has to even exists and angry that it has took thousands of loved ones away from their family's. I'm angry that they don't have a cure. I'm just angry at cancer
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“I see people abusing their body and they don't get cancer. They smoke like chimneys and drink tons of alcohol or do drugs.....”
^ You make so many good points, Missmom.
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trying not to judge but it’s hard
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Irishlove, your story is horrifying and yet, we know this abuse goes on so often unchecked. I just read your post again. Family can be so brutal and no one is spared even slight dysfunction. Nothing like yours but nevertheless, it can be harmful and saddening. Writing this just reminded me that my youngest sister will arrive in just over an hour for lunch and I am not even dressed. I have not seen her for 2 years so this is actually topical. We speak often on the phone but the dysfunction of my family damaged her the most though the next 2 older than her are not much better off. Her life has constant drama thus the reason I don't often see her. My 7 years of BC with MBC now make me aware that I do not need extra drama and cannot hep my siblings. Clearly you cannot help your sister either after all the decades.
Someone above mentioned your gentle husband and that also struck me as a gift in your life. Now I must get going. I am slowly recovering from 2 surgeries that have made the neuropathic pain from my met, so much better but it is a gradual recovery and chemo was restarted weekly just last Thursday, the day I was discharged. BTW, I had only 1 instance of the anger since I got home. It was over fast but did happen over a very small thing. He thought he knew how to redo my binder having seen it once. Haha. Control.
See you later my new friends.
Marian
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I smoked for decades. Even though my doctors have told me it has no bearing on breast cancer, I guess I should feel like shit now because of judgemental keyboard warriors. Thanks, now I AM angry.
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Alice, I apologize but please let me clarify. When I think of the smoking/drinking/drug excesses, and I’ve mentioned this numerous times on this forum, it’s along the lines of Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, Rolling Stones Mick Jagger and Ron Wood. Steven Tyler freely admits he and his guitarist Joe Perry snorted so much cocaine they could have bought an island in the Bahamas with the money they spent on it. The money, the fame, the bad boy behavior, unlimited sexual conquests all while abusing their bodies, yet here they are, still kickin it. Then you read of women with small children diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, and to say it’s unfair is an understatement.0
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DivineMrsM, and then there is Keith Richards.
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Anger. Yeah. A good friend of mine.
I have appreciated and had 'a-hah' moments while reading this. Like the Divine MrsM I write my wrath in a journal and then later when I read it, after the rage has cooled, I think, oh my god, and promptly hurl my journals into the furnace. God forbid that I should die and someone cleaning out my stuff finds those journals - NOT the memory I want to leave behind for anyone to find.
I do not think I felt anger at the unfairness of breast cancer because, as has been stated, what makes me so damn special that I should be spared the random ruthlessness of the universe that everyone else is subject to?
But oh, I felt anger at the Process of Breast Cancer.
What was suddenly so galvanizing and intense with terror and panic and crushing grief, was just another day at the office for the people I was suddenly dealing with. The people who phone you with the bombshell news that there is something weird on your mammo and you are being booked for a diagnostic and ultrasound and you're like...whaaat? And they can't tell you a damn thing, because they're 'just the booking department'. Is there some kind of sadist committee at hospital boards where they say, "let's give people devastating news, over the phone, in a round about way, but let's NOT give them any information to flesh out the event, let's just make it so they dangle on a hook like a worm, waiting, wondering, worrying . Yeah, let's torture people" And thus the booking department, who knows nothing, makes calls that drop the bottom out of your life. I was angry about that.
The lady who stuck three needles into my tit without so much as batting an eye. That angered me. Not at her specifically, but kind of at her. Kind of at the fact that this was horrifying and surreal for me, laid out there with my big old boob flopping around while she harpoons it with three, THREE separate hypodermics. What the actual fuck! It took all I had not to karate chop that needle out of her delicate little hand. Then she draws on my armpit with a Sharpie and sends me on my way, as if nothing happened. But something DID happen. Something gross and mortifying. But only to me. To her it was just another big boob with a bullseye on it. That made me angry.
Having my tit squeezed in the mamm while a fellow who looked like a street person, no lie! stuck a needle from my armpit to my nipple, THAT made me mad! I've seen cattle in squeezes. I've been there as they are run into that contraption and the steel sides slammed shut. The animal is immobilized and terrified and in that state is branded, de-horned, castrated, cauterized, injected and released. (lived on a cattle ranch) and sometime those poor beasts would literally drop over in the dirt, shocked, stricken after that. And there I was, a big old cow, pinned by the tit in a squeeze while someone shoved a needled through my boob. That made me angry. I felt like a processed cow on a cattle ranch.
After my lumpectomy went wrong and I had to have a second surgery that same day to stop the bleeding and repair all the torn internal stitches and the pain, THE PAIN was off the scale and I got Tylenol. Plain fucking Tylenol. The same Tylenol that has been an utterly ineffective pain killer for me my whole life, not even Tylenol 3. I laid overnight in the hospital, in so much pain I was gagging, almost puking, could not move or breath for searing agony and NO ONE thought to make a call to a doctor and ask, uh, can we not do something for this woman? No one stepped up. I have never been in so much pain in my life. (three days later that pain landed me in the emergency room where it was treated with a shrug, go home). Angry? Oh yeah. Angry.
Cancer is bullshit. But being sucked into the impersonal vortex of The Machine, where everything that happens is so intensely personal and vivid to you, and so workaday for everyone else. THat made me angry. Again, The DivineM summed it up perfectly when she said that she realized that in some respects cancer set her on a path where she was on her own. Where her husband could not follow. We may reach out our hands for something to grasp and find some void in reality, that we cannot name, makes it impossible for anyone to reach in and save us. But a lot of removed and dispassionate people can cut us and stitch us and inject us and radiate us and they all do their best, yet they do it TO us, and not WITH us and that sounds crazy, but it made me mad. The ugliness and facelessness of it all made me mad. This is me. Me. Can anyone hear me? Yes, we can hear you, please put on this robe, open at the back, and take a seat until we call you.
Yes. Angry.
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Yes. Yes to pretty much everything you wrote (as usual).
And the spin for me was that cancer and its impersonal dehumanizing treatments also absolutely wrecked all the good work I did healing from being sexually abused as a tiny child. That right there has been gut wrenching and nearly impossible to put into words.
Every step of the dx process cratered that work a little more but I kept duct taping things back together, drawing on all the work I'd done, the coping skills I had. The last two straws for me were the breast MRI (needed with my dense tissue) and later the wire inserted into my breast immediately before the lumpectomy.
I asked for and was finally given a sedative for the breast MRI but only after asking, being told that procedure was no big deal (yes I know, not my first MRI but backwards? Face down? Different story) and having to disclose why I asked for the sedative (which was itself a terrifyingly vulnerable thing to have to do).
The coup de grâce was the wire insertion. I cannot tell you why that procedure was so absolutely terrifying but it was. So I gathered up my courage and asked for a sedative. I was told no, but if I had medication at home I could clear using them with the surgical team.
Uh. No, I don't actually have medication like that at home. I've never had medication like that at home, nor do I want medication like that at home. I prefer to ask for something if it's needed. Only apparently my need didn't count.
So that one was the final straw. Now I'm back in therapy and it's just beyond maddening that I'm here again, doing this work again, feeling all these feelings again.
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edj, how odd your request for a sedative for the MRI was questioned. How dare someone say it's no big deal! Many people are claustrophobic and have difficulty going into that machine. I didn't know I'd have a panic attack when I had an MRI needle biopsy-face down, but it sure happened. The techs were pulling me out, pulling up my gown, pulling off my socks and someone was fanning my backside with a big clipboard. I completely overheated. One of the tech guys cut the tension by joking, “gee, lady, most people are complaining about how cold it is in here!"
What a shame your request for a sedative while undergoing the wire insertion was denied.
I cannot imagine the difficulty in dealing with sexual abuse as a young child and my heart is with you,
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Edj, I was never sexually abused so anything I say will sound presumptuous and for that I am sorry. BUt I see parallels where, as a child, someone treated you not as a YOU, but as a THING, that they used and harmed, for their own purposes. There was nothing about you in any of that. The You was walked right over and made to be a non-you. Similar (but not the same!) can be the Process experience where, this is the procedure, this is how we do it, just get in line, the other 14 women I've stuck wires into today survived and so will you... And while that attitude might be correct, it sure as hell isn't helpful.
I can guess that this business of being shuffled through without really being seen can trigger all sorts of negative associations. I am sorry for your experiences with this. Sorry for everyone's experience with the Process of breast cancer.
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It's true, administering tests is an every day occurrence for technicians. Some techs ask if I've had such-and-such testing done before, but many don't realize how foreign the medical environment is to some patients. I was an elementary school teacher's aide. My days were decorated for all the happy holidays and colorful seasons. Work revolved around tiny desks, crayons, abc's, the playground, opening milk cartons, hearing young children singing silly songs and being known to all as “Mrs. M". It was a culture shock to suddenly spend days in the sterile, colorless, impersonal hospital environment. Panic attack? Yes, please. I'll take several.
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I am annoyed by the whole thing. Hopefully that qualifies me to post something here if I'm not actually ANGRY! Is that OK with some of you? I really don't give a shit anyway so here goes:
I thought I was a pretty healthy 56 yo woman. I had 2 children, breast fed for those fist few months, didn't have any health issues other than the usual sinus infections, bronchitis, one broken bone-ankle and 1 UTI on my 40th birthday. No regular doctor. I went through menopause without assistance just a quick GYN check up and was told they could only give me something after 1 yr. of stopping my periods. Thankfully, everyone in my family survived.
Caring for my mother after my father died suddenly (she has multiple heath issues and dementia), made me angry. I kept a box of wine in the garage to keep calm. I wanted my mother!! I didn't want to answer the same incessant question she asked every 30 seconds!!!! MAD? Dementia mad is a whole different level of anger. My mothers' passing was my relief. I was able to let it go. Then, my mother in-law started and went completely delusional. Quite scary. My husband and I tried to help, I found her GP and the NP to be so wonderful I signed up as a new patient once things with mother in law had calmed down. Walked out of my first physical in many, many years with 7 orders. Started failing almost everyone of therm. Lab work was 1st- started on a statin and Vit D. I often wonder if the stress of caregiving played a role? I was getting in the shower one day and I felt my own lump. Already had the mammo order so off I went to fail some more tests! I remember telling the tech of my lump so it was marked and I said, watch there be something else on the other side. She came back in and said, they want more pictures on the right! They take you right to US and while the tech was nice enough the Dr. they sent in was a slobbering mess. He had spit or something coming out the side of his mouth! I didn't get too close and was grateful he just spoke to me and didn't have to touch me. Jesus, is this really happening? I was assigned the nurse navigator then to schedule the biopsy. Dr. tells you after the biopsy that they will call the number provided and they will not leave your results on a voice mail and it's in your best interest to answer your incoming calls. Of course I listened and did this. No anger at this point, just felt like I was leaving my body. Maybe I just went into survival mode. I was pretty calm, instinctively I did not feel like it would kill me. The treatments might though!
In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't come here (bc.org) until after surgery. I was oblivious to the wire insertion procedure. OUCH!! If I had to think about that prior to I surely would have fallen apart at that point. At my hospital, they tape Styrofoam cups over the needles. I had one in each breast. During the wait to go into the OR I said to my family I feel like a pig waiting for slaughter! It was torture. After they separate you from the fam, off you go into the hallway more waiting alone, with needles stuck in your breasts. I couldn't wait to get knocked out!
I joined here when starting radiation. I had some misplaced anger with this whole process. I am a coordinator/dispatcher at work and to do my job well, I make it a point to know how everyone else functions and operates to get a better and more timely result for customers. So, my 1st consult I observed a very busy hospital with 1 machine. I asked how many patients were they treating at the time, it was close to 50. See? 50 people getting radiated at 15 minutes a piece is 750 minutes or 12 1/2 hrs. in a day. This, is if everything goes right! Of course it doesn't. I didn't like the way some of folks there tried to cover for the absolute chaotic conditions they were working in, although some of them were fine and truthful, it was still you didn't feel human. You were a number. Once I finally got started (my 1st simulation failed so I had to plan again and did the prone position) I did my best to not act out on this anger but put it away and talk to the humans in the waiting room. I spent many hours waiting and waiting to get to 30, but it made me feel good to let the old man with lung cancer who just came from the chemo chair to go ahead of me, or let the poor lady whose bladder is full go before me, and meeting a new bc patient that was angry and said she felt like a number!!! I get it.
Now, around test and appointment time I get anxious. I am less patient, and yeah well I'm still a little angry at the whole thing. I've aged well beyond my actual years in just 2 years. Is all this really worth it?
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I'm angry too. I'm angry at myself though. I smoked before my initial diagnosis in 2009. Drank cocktails too. But more than that I'm angry at myself because my cancer IS all my fault. When I first felt a lump a long time ago, I kept telling myself it was nothing. I've always had fibrocystic breasts, so it was probably just that. No one in my family ever had breast cancer, no one...so it couldn't be that. It never really grew as far as I could tell by touch. So it was nothing. Besides, I didn't have a gynecologist at the time since mine retired. Plus, I was in a very bad place emotionally at the time (my life wasn't going good). This is what I rationalized in my mind for a very long time. A very long time. I didn't get checked until a long time later after I felt another lump in my armpit. By this time the cancer was in my lymph nodes. If I had just gone when I first felt the lump in my breast I wouldn't have been diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic 8 years later. But here I am. Because of my stupidity. My kids and husband are having to deal with this because of my stupidity. I will never forgive myself because of this. I try not to dwell on it but the reality does hit me sometimes. Like now with reading this thread.
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Here is another way to look at the whole cancer shitshow (which everyone here is free to ignore, if anger is working for you)... but if it becomes exhausting to feel angry, here are alternatives....
I too am 58. I smoked in my 20s and drank moderately (but regularly) up to my diagnosis. Also I was 25 lbs heavier and had a carby diet. But I am not angry at myself for this. Yes, I feel a bit dumb to have ignored the obvious science of smoking & drinking but more, I wonder empathically, why I needed such self medication to regulate myself w/ uppers/downers (nicotine/sugar/alcohol)? That I now find I do decently without? That younger me was all jacked up and struggling. Poor me!
When *walking* two blocks from my wire placement insertion to the surgery center for my LX in a medical gown (over sweat pants), I thought "Fuck, I am a fucking badass!... "The Terminator" has nothing on me.!.. I have wires poking out of me, and have been poisoned 6 times, and yet am still on my feet and walking. FU, Cancer."
When my step daughter (whose Mom died of BC) was a deer in headlights and hung back when I was diagnosed, I did not take it personally. but knew she was having some PTSD around a second mom dying and that our bond of love was strong.
Officially, I am very upset about women dying. I am especially very upset about young women, maybe with small children, going through one week of this bullshit. I am angry about insurance hoops having to be jumped through to get decent care and dipshits providing bad care. That sort of thing totally gets me. I am mad MOs don't know more about nutritional and vitamin supports. So, I am NOT immune to the horror of cancer.
I just feel each of those things makes me, very personally, lucky. I am lucky not to be 35 with a 7 year old. I am lucky to have insurance. I am lucky to have family help. A Naturopath. Etc. Lucky to have grown kids and a job I can take time off from.
I defend everyones right to be angry if this serves you better.
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JACK, you're still among the living, there's that.
I'm sorry, but I don't think there's a Dr. or medical professional out there that can definitely say that drinking alcohol or smoking actually causes a breast tumor. Lung, yes, breast, is still a maybe. I've cut back considerably, but if I want a drink, I have it. My husband was recently diagnosed w/COPD. He's getting re-evaluated next week. He's chewing a bunch of gum but still smokes, and he's drinking his beer. I'm not angry. If he wants to drink and smoke himself to death I fully support it. What's the alternative? Losing your mind? The control of your bodily functions? Having to rely on a family member to care for you? Eventually needing full time care in a facility, that will suck every single last dime you ever made in your life out of you? Then, having to rely on the government to pay for your care? No thanks. I hope both of us check out way before any of that crap happens. Meanwhile, when I'm not annoyed, I make short term goals with myself everyday. If I wake up feeling good then I do all the good things to keep feeling that way the rest of day. Somedays are better than others, more good than bad I'd say and that's all I have strength for.
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Jack51E
There are people on this forum who were diagnosed with DCIS and early stage 1A (no nodes involved, tiny lump) who still ended up stage 4. So although removing the lump earlier MIGHT have made a difference, it also might not. Also fit, athletic, non smoking, breastfeeding, healthy eating, skinny teetotalers, with no family history get BC. I should know.
Absolutely no point blaming yourself.
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