I’m so ANGRY

[Deleted User]

I'm not sure how to post my dx. please point me in the right direction. For all you ladies out there that are angry well why the f not! Totally sucks. Maybe you are raising children (thx GOD) I didn't get this when I was young. I am looking forward to retirement but still have to work another 5 years if I want any money. So, yes there is anger, sadness etc. I have a sister-inlaw that has lymphoma. We bitch all the time, I told her I only got cancer so she wasn't alone

movingsoccermom

Hi KID1919. For your Dx information. Go to your profile. Use the tabs to add your information. Then go to Settings to make them public if you would like. I also struggled to get the information added and set up. Hope this helps!

[Deleted User]

PS. Went to get the boob drained of fluid this am. Woman asked me for my insurance card.( I left my purse in trunk cause I knew I was having this procedure done) Really??? I have been coming to the same place for 20 yrs, plus I was there the day before for my post-op check up. WTF. No wonder people get angry. When I went for surgery, security asked my husband for ID. I said" he's just some guy I picked up off the street." THEN the admissions woman needed my ID to make sure I was the one having surgery. Yeah because people not needing surgery just show up to take someone else's place. So yes as I go along I understand why people get angry. It's the little things that kill.

[Deleted User]

thank you

alicebastable

Kid1919, as annoying as the repeat ID-ing at the hospital and doctors' offices are, they have to do it for legal and security reasons. It's not that they've forgotten who you are, but they have to verify. Same with the security scrutiny. It's the lovely modern world we live in.

SerenitySTAT

I'm at a large hospital. I have a little pouch to hold my insurance card and 3 hospital cards. I’ve had procedures at 2 other hospitals. Without them, they would require payment in full. With the cards, I pay nothing, so I always bring them.

[Deleted User]

SerenitySTAT: thank you for your idea. I think right now I need an attitude adjustment. Need to stop being annoyed by the slightest thing. LOL

SerenitySTAT

Oh, I still get annoyed by the slightest thing. Last night I was pacing in the kitchen because a package wasn't delivered as expected. But I always know where my cards are now.

chaclarey

Six months ago I posted “I’m so Angry” since then I’ve had two surgeries, radiation and now tamoxifen and I’m still so Angry.

I should be happy I finished active treatment, didn’t need chemo due to Oncotype score, caught it early, went to counselling yada yada yada.

But here I am with so much rage I have closed myself off from people and smile and say I’m fine when they ask. Terms like “new normal” “be kind to yourself”(not even sure what that means), “give it time” all set my teeth on edge.

I’m angry that this will never be over not in five, ten even 20 years. It will be be my constant unwanted companion and I still, even after all the good prognosis and treatment, can’t see my way to not being angry about what has happened and continues to happen. Sometimes I feel like a bad person for feeling like this as it could be worse and there are those dealing with so much more.

I just want it to be over and I’m so Angry that it’s not.

jrnj

chaclarey, I understand. I didn't get out of bed for 2 months. I don't think I'm angry because I got it, I get angry at the rudeness, incompetence and disorganized medical people I have encountered and the horrible insurance system. I thought I would be coddled and treated good, but that was not my experience. Like others on this thread, I'm angry I had mammograms, not USs or MRIs. I'm angry I didn't know 3d mammogram existed before this year. I'm angry my gyn offered me hormone replacement therapy, not better screening. I'm angry the radiologist asked me if I wanted 3d when I got there and said but it's your responsibility to know if your insurance covers it. I have the largest insurance company in the state. I'm angry my place got 3d this year, but their other facility had it for several years and I had no idea. I'm angry I had to fight for double mastectomy, CT and bone scan and chemo. I'm angry my BS and PS gave me little information before surgery and inaccurate information, but thinks she gave me a lot of info. I'm angry my cancer was constantly minimized and it kept getting worse with new scans or surgery. Don't make assumptions before you really know, without some kind of disclaimer. I'm angry there will be no more scans in the future until it's too late. I'm sick of picking a dr and liking the dr, than being passed off to an assistant that is inexperienced or rude. I'm angry I have to make decisions that will affect my life and there is no clear answer as I originally thought. I thought BC is cookie cutter, they know what to do, not true. I'm angry that my family and friends don't get it. I'm angry at how horrible the hospital was, twice. Mean overworked nurses and bad communication with my drs. I was not taken "care" of. I'm angry I will worry for the rest of my life, as ILC comes back later. But I also know I am lucky, it could be worse. I get angry that I feel guilty complaining because it could be worse.

annabelle2

ChaClarey, I just wanted to let you know I'm 2 years out this week, and I am still angry beyond belief. I won't type the book of the reasons why, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

The thing that makes my blood boil the most is when I see acquaintances and they cheerfully "How are you going you look great!". Well gee, that ends that conversation doesn't it. And thanks for asking how I'm really doing. Or the medical industry folks say "Why are you crying? You need to move on now". Nobody wants to acknowledge how hard this really is. And then I feel guilty because according to everyone who doesn't have cancer, I should be "joyful and grateful".

mara51506

Mommy, the people who say I should be grateful are the ones I want to punch in the face. No one lately has told me to move on, but I don't talk about it much. I do get bothered when people in my life have said, you should plan to live a long time. Funny since I don't know anybody who is psychic. WTF do they know. I don't plan for the future. I made my end plans when officially dx stage IV and updated when my Mom passed last year.

Yes, I recognize my relative good health has been a blessing, but don't ask me to be joyful to have a disease that robbed me of working and only being able to be on disability which never increases. I still think cancer sucks, I am not on a journey and stop telling me I look good. I hide it well with wigs, make up and a breast prosthetic. Looking good will not decrease my chances of progression or death. People in my life mean well and I don't say much to them about it but people really should think about what they are saying. FYI, it is not so much my immediate family that is left as well meaning friends and acquaintances.

Brooklyn1234

First, you are absolutely allowed to be angry!!

It's a rational and understandable response to this diagnosis.

That said, I do understand your fear that you will push away the people who most want to help. What about sitting down with each of your core support group and telling them that you are full of rage right now and that if this spills onto them, please know that it's not personal? Having someone you can be angry around is a precious thing and some people might be up for the challenge of being that person you yell at as long as they know it's temporary and therapeutic.

I think the most important thing is to stop yourself from feeling guilty or trying to repress the rage. Tell yourself that you won't be angry forever, but for now you have every right to your emotions -- and it certainly doesn't make you a weaker or lesser person if you are angrier or express more anger than someone else. Remember, anger is understandable!

msphil

hello sweetie I too had such rage and anger said aloud I do right by people family friends and take care of myself eat right how did this happen I said I see drug addicts that don't get sick why me. So had my cry over and over then decided to fight with Hope and Positivity. I continue to work for awhile that helped work at medical center in Peds and like helping the kids with coloring books etc. So yes it is ok to have rage. Hang in there sweetie will get better. msphil idc stage2 0/3 nodes 3mo chemo before and after Lmast then got married was planning at diagnosis then 7wks rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen.

Snoopysld

Hi there, I can identify with you. I don’t know when you posted this but I meet my breast surgeon on Tuesday. I have dense breasts, No breast cancer history in my family. I have a 6 cm lesion and the cancer was detected in my auxiliary lymph node Under my armpit. Right now I feel so lost and helpless. I don’t want to lose my breast and I don’t want chemotherapy. I’m angry too. I’m single and I don’t have anyone to lean on for this. I have to work for a living and this is scaring the crap out of me. I’m so confused. I feel like I’m hanging in limbo I’m so glad I found this forum.

moderators

Dear Snoopysid,

Welcome to the BCO community. We are sorry for your diagnosis and we are glad that you reached out to join our community. We are all here for you and hope that you will stay active and use these boards and our members for support and helpful information. Here are some important links for you to review as you prepare for your appointment on Tuesday. Keep us all posted on how things go.

The Mods

salamandra

Hey Snoopysid,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I am also single and work for my living (and health insurance). It adds a whole other element for sure.

I bet your treatment center has social workers or mental health professionals. Lean on them. That's what they're there for. You don't have to do this alone. If they don't, or are not responsive, I know that Sharsharet provides phone support (for anybody, you don't have to be Jewish) that was very useful for me, and I believe there are other organizations like that.

Lean on us here too. These boards can be a great source of support.

mara51506

Today, I am not angry about cancer. Today I am angry about the hysteria surrounding ransacking and emptying grocery stores. No regard for elderly or ill people not able to make it to stores, but the people selling things like hand sanitizer and toilet paper at exorbitant rates. In Toronto, some idiot pulled a gun in the grocery store. Jesus fucking Christ, THIS IS NOT THE WALKING DEAD or some other apocalyptic event. If the supply chain functions, we can still get what we need right now.

I have decided that I will keep checking my nearby supermarket for TP and if I find some, going to buy it and give it away to people in my apartment building. I don't use it, bidet and handkerchiefs to dry up for me. I am lucky enough to have a washer and dryer set up so I don't use TP. Planning to bring a few hankies when headed out to cancer clinic just in case idiots there decide to raid the TP.

If there is anybody you know who is vulnerable or not able to get out, if you can afford to, please look in on them and see if they need anything. Counteract the nutcases causing harm in the stores.

Snoopysld

thank you for your reply, Salamandra. I just got the biopsy reports on Thursday. And I have to go to work tomorrow and I feel like I am not mentally ready. I just pray for the strength to walk through this with courage. Thank you for your advice I will reach out to any mental health professionals they have on hand. I am fortunate that my brother is going to be at the appointment to support me. I just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I’m a nervous wreck. And I’m so tired.

nana2-8

Snoopysid: I dare say that every single one of us has been in the same mental condition as you when we first heard what lay ahead of us with regard to our breast(s). You are feeling much the same as I did....overwhelmed, nerves frayed, under-sleeping, researching, ......quite simply, right now you are more afraid than angry. I was exactly that! Your world HAS been turned upside down! But......there are answers awaiting you. You just don't have those answers yet. The best thing you said (in my estimation) is that you have prayer on your side. Once you meet with the medical team, you will have more info. True, you will get a load-full, and that much more to research! But you have found this place.....and for that, you should give yourself a pat on the back. Try to take a few deep breaths and say a few more prayers, and make it thru that appointment with your brother (bless him) and then come back and let us help you along the way with what you have been told. We will hold your hand along the way. You are NOT alone.

gussy

Snoopysid - I wondered when I read your comment if I had written it. I, too, have dense breasts, no family history and only found the 6 cm tumor because two lymph nodes showed up on the mammogram, nothing showed in the breast. It took a MRI to find it. I ended up having chemo prior to surgery to shrink it if possible, which didn't really happen. Then had a partial mastectomy which left me with a rather smaller breast than the other but it can be helped with fat grafting if I want to do it. Radiation followed surgery which really wasn't too bad. This was two years ago and now on an anti-estrogen drug. It's doable and you take it one step at a time. I was glad to hear that you have a brother that be of some support. There is probably a breast cancer group in your city that can also be a source of support. And --- before you start chemo get a good wig. Mine was so good I said it was the hair I always wanted as mine was always very fine and thin. It's going to be OK. Trust me. You will get through it.

salamandra

I remember it felt surreal keeping going to work at the beginning. A strange kind of limbo where you know your life is about to turn upside down and sideways but you don't know how and can't really begin to plan for it yet.

I had just started a new job but I was very open about it with my colleagues - because I basically couldn't not be, I didn't have it in me not to talk about it. People surprised me with how incredibly supportive and kind they were, including understanding that I wasn't at my best even though they barely knew me. If your workplace is toxic, you might have to approach it differently, but consider being open if that works with your personality. A lot of people have either been through this themselves or have seen someone they love go through this.

Something that someone said and gets repeated a lot on this board (I can't remember the attribution now) is that you don't have to feel brave, you just have to show up, and keep showing up.

I'm so glad your brother is able to come with you for your appointment. Good luck!

tsaerb20

That's a fact, jack! You just described me (trim, non-smoker, 10-12 fruit protein shakes & on & on) with only having a tonsilectomy at age 8, no other problems) when for my 70th birthday year & 4 days before X-mas I was diagnosed with IBC. Can you imagine the shock I felt!!! I blamed the chicken industry that day. That's all I could come up with when told at my appointment. IT COULD BE ALMOST ANYTHING (I have since read)!!! Only went to a Primary Care Provider once or twice a year. My anger is with the health care facilities & the terrible way I had been treated & thwarted from trying to follow my surgeon's orders & then trying to protect myself from any mental/emotional/physical baggage as a result of having to get mixed up with the so called "health care" industry.

tsaerb20

I LOVE your sense of humor. We need to learn how to outsmart THEM!

moderators

Hi tsaerb20, This thread hasn't been active for a bit, but we're glad you posted. We look forward to learning more about your situation.

Warmly, The Mods