I’m so ANGRY
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Our perspectives on life and our priorities certainly take a sudden and jolting turn as we deal with this “journey”. Sometimes I get pissy about that word.....days when I feel like I’m cast in an Alfred Hitchcock film. In thinking about others angry reactions to stupid crap, I sometimes think they have these reactions bc they feel helpless about “fixing” our health conditions. I’m not a big John Gray fan, but I do agree that men want to fix problems for their loved ones. But I certainly agree, “ really, you’re going to get mad about that??
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This is truly a wonderful thread...
I've been thinking about how we really need to cut ourselves and each other a little slack. I think it's perfectly normal for a healthy, kind and loving person to have ugly thoughts in the midst of the upheaval that we go through. The fact that we may think for a moment "Look at that fat woman smoking! Why not her?? Why me?" I don't know, while that specific thought didn't come to me, I did feel that this was all unfair somehow, which really is the same thing in the end. I guess what I'm trying to say is that good people can have an ugly thought. The key is to govern those thoughts and do what is right, not what is easy.
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I’m soooo angry about a lot of things! Can I just roll them off?
I got BC that wasn’t family related
My husband was Cardiac disabled for 17 years and I took care of him. He died 2days after my last chemo treatment.
Two weeks after he died I had a mastectomy. The surgeon refused to take both.
Three months after that mastectomy the PS told me that at 60 with a BMI of 31 I was too fat and too old for Reconstruction.
Now 8 years later I have BC in the other Breast and the muscles underneath.
But it’s not “technically” a recurrence because it’s a different type.
So shoot me if I’m 😡! I keep thinking if the Surgeon had considered me only half a dumbass, I would NOT be facing chemo, surgery and radiation.
I want a chopping block and an ax! But who’s picture do I need to chop first?
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I like this thread. One of the few places you can let your hair down. Well, if I had hair.
I am angry or maybe just pissed off. I could/should feel guilty about not going to get a mammogram as soon as I felt the lump. I didn't tell them when I got the mammogram about the lump. I didn't want to pay for a diagnostic mammogram.
Anyone who feels guilty about something they perceive that they did do or didn't do or shouldn't have done about their breast cancer, stop.
The time and energy it takes to feel guilty is such a waste.
Life gets out of control. We all put off things that in retrospect we maybe shouldn't have. But none of us really REALLY expect to be diagnosed with cancer. Or some other bad disease or condition. I know I didn't.
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good post dog mom runner. I put off my lump Also. Worst choice I ever made. Paying the piper now I am. Learned the hard way. Yeah I’m pretty angry too. I get it.
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To all of you out there - I have decided that I am going to write a letter to the editor of my local paper now that it"s Breast Cancer month. In that letter I plan to appeal to women who have been diagnosed with dense breasts to insist on further exams. I was never advised to have advanced testing and ended up with a 6 cm tumor and two positive nodes. Screening mammograms for decades were "negative".
I am also going to mention that after many years and probably billions of dollars raised in the name of curing breast cancer we don't seem a whole lot closer to that goal. Granted there are some newer treatments to treat stage 4 and triple negative brands of breast cancer but not a whole lot new in treatment for garden variety er/pr + Her- . How much more time and dollars is it going to take? Here we have an almost cure or preventative treatment for HIV that has not been a scourge as long as breast cancer. So, what is the problem here?
Am I angry or what?
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Especially the dense breasts issue - I have a set on me and they warned my mother at my reduction in 1999 that the tissue was very dense but they didn't explain what that possibly meant. Maybe they didn't know at the time. But it was my only risk factor here, so I never thought to get going earlier on mammograms or be hypervigilant about the breasts and, similar to you, here I am with 5cm and a couple nodes (at least). Even if I HAD been warned to get going on the mammograms, would they have seen anything?
Anyway, Ive now made it my personal mission to tell everyone about the density issue. My sister and mom to start.
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it seems that mammograms are not so good at catching early bc. I have always had “normal” mammograms. After being dxed w BRCA1 my very first MRI found a spot in each breast, one a fibroadenoma the other bc. A diagnostic mammogram was done after MRI, still “normal”. So, it begs the question how long it would have taken for the bc to show up on mammogram. A friend who works in cancer treatment believes if the powers that be would approve breast MRIs for every woman we would catch more.bc at earlier stages. I agree
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Mammograms give a false sense of security and then people feel betrayed when they were not 'enough.' One of my friends was diagnosed stage 4 a couple of mos after a clear Mammo. She had ILC.
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I get annoyed maybe angry when I hear people without cancer making everyday complaints. It's hard to be empathetic sometimes. As a therapist I know anger is a healthy and necessary stage of grief.
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We have to be careful.
MRIs are probably best at seeing anything that might be going on, but at this point they are not used for screening except for women who have already been identified as having a reason to get extra screening. The reason is that they maybe see too much, and as a result can lead to false positives and unnecessary biopsies. So for the most part, MRIs are used when there is already an identified concern. That might not be ideal or what any of us think is best, but that is the reality of where screening protocols are today.
Therefore for most of the population, that leaves mammograms and ultrasounds. It is true that mammograms miss some cancers and aren't particularly effective for those who have dense breasts. Mammograms may miss solid lesions that are hidden in dense breast tissue, whereas these may show up on an ultrasound. On the other hand, mammograms tend to see calcifications, whereas ultrasounds usually don't. In my case, despite having extremely dense breast tissue, my calcifications were seen on a mammogram while my ultrasound came back perfectly clear.
The real issue and point of education is that a single modality of screening is not sufficient - each screening modality can miss some breast cancers. It's a combination of 2 types of screening (mammogram and ultrasound, MRI with either mammogram or ultrasound) that is most effective at finding areas of concern and identifying whether a biopsy is required.
Gussy, to your question, "So what is the problem here?", you actually provided the answer yourself. Breast cancer is not a single disease. So it's unlikely that there can ever be a single cure. Instead, researchers work on each type of cancer, and progress is being made. Not enough progress and not fast enough, but I've been hanging around here for 14 years and I've seen lots of new drugs enter the marketplace. When I first arrived on the scene, Tamoxifen had not been in use for very long with early stage patients. The AIs came even later. Herceptin for early stage even later than that. Perjeta, Nerlynx, Ibrance... all relatively new. And while many drugs initially are approved only for metastatic or advanced cancer patients, most eventually work their way to early stage patients. This was true of Tamoxifen, the AIs and Herceptin. Without any doubt, there are a lot of early stage patients walking around today, perfectly healthy and without a recurrence, who in the past would have developed a metastatic recurrence. However because of drugs currently available, these patients will never become metastatic. I would argue that although we can't individually identify any of these patients - of everyone who takes these meds, it's impossible to know who the 30%+ are that avoided a metastatic recurrence - these patients have effectively been 'cured' by their treatment.
Is it enough? Of course not. As I see it, research today has four goals. First is to develop treatments to cure patients who are metastatic, or less ideal but better than today, treatments that turn metastatic breast cancer into a chronic disease. Second is to find a way to stop those who are early stage from ever becoming metastatic. Of the approximately 30% of patients who become metastatic, only about 5% are de novo metastatic, which means that 25% of other patients develop mets after their initial diagnosis. Third is to find a way to diagnose breast cancer when it is still just a few cells, so that it can be treated and eliminated before it has any chance to develop and spread. Fourth is to stop breast cancer from ever developing, likely through gene manipulation. Maybe other goals too, but that's my shortlist. When you see that list, it become clear what a massive undertaking this is, and why we don't yet have a cure for breast cancer.
Edited for typos (well, autocorrect errors) only.
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Beesi,
I always feel better when I read your posts.
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Thank you!
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me three!
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Me Four 🌺0
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My mother rarely talked about her 5 yr old son being killed in a car crash that changed the family forever. However, one time she did and I think that conversation changed me for life. The driver was drunk. My parents were severely injured and lost everything. MY mother said she was not angry at the driver, because she knew he suffered so much from guilt. As a child, that omission astounded me. My parents would have 2 more children after my brother was killed. My eldest sister never got over the loss as she was in the car, and was angry her entire life. She became an alcoholic. Miserable life. She was gorgeous, smart, super talented and had a family she managed to ruin. My parents had a full life. They did their best. I appreciate today how stoic they were recognizing carrying anger is toxic.
I was diagnosed with BC at 40. I was not angry, just surprised. I had surgery but refused any other treatment. Then in 2018, diagnosed again with BC only an aggressive case. Again, no anger, just sadness. Did the surgery, nothing else. This time I decided to read as much as possible and better understand this chronic disease. Knowledge is wonderful. BTW, also have skin cancer. My mom died of melanoma.
I suspect my time is limited, but who knows. I have had a full life. I see the fall leaves and all the wonderful colors and am thankful to be enjoying this beautiful scenery. I am not a Pollyanna person in the least, but when I feel negativity coming I work hard to reverse those feelings and get out in nature and be amazed. Nobody promised me tomorrow.
I believe sustained anger is very toxic. It contributes to poor health. I refuse to spend what remaining time I have left being constantly angry with my condition. So many have struggled with so much more. I only need to think of my mom.
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Red, I agree. Anger is toxic. My mother too is & was angry. I'm glad you enjoy our world, the nature & the beauty. My heart hurts for your pain. I met some of my best friends about the time that I was 40. I was even older when I met my husband. I wasn't looking for one! This forum has so many caring & sympathetic ears. It is wonderful to have ears to listen without judgement & hearts to care.
❤️ NancyB0 -
1redgirl,
How amazing that your parents recognized that carrying anger was toxic. If anyone deserved to be angry, they did after your brother’s death.
It is a choice how we react to what life throws us.
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I wouldn't say I was angry when I was diagnosed, but I was definitely pissed off with it all. I found well wishers who would insist on telling me I was "going to be fine", or "everything is going to be OK" particularly annoying. I know it was coming from a good place and they were only trying to make me feel better, but it never did! Firstly, they had no way of knowing how serious or not my situation was, and therefore if everything really was going to be OK or not. Secondly it was minimizing MY very real fears of what I was about to go through and what my outcomes would be. Glad to finally get that off my chest! Thanks for reading!
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Lady of the Lake, I agree. I feel like someone is patting me on the head. It is almost as if you need to justify your angst.
❤️ NancyB0 -
1redgirl...love your post. Scared was my overall emotion. My anger stemmed from well meaning friends/people who said I'd be fine. Just felt no one really understood what I was going through. The dark places you go. I would get angry that they didn't really know what to say, that I really needed to hear. Not their fault. I have now been practicing to say no to what I really don't want and yes to what I do. We never have known if we have another tomorrow, but I for certain know now its never a given.
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"you got this, you will be fine" not really comforting from those that don't fully understand. Definitely got under my skin.
Package came in the mail from a dear dear childhood friend. Super nice , warm, cozy white fleece pullover ..with the dreaded pink ribbon ( small ribbon) on the sleeve. And a nice card. Thankfully that's all the pink anything that I do have. Point being, a year ago I probably would have been angry to some degree. I'm trying my best to think about her intent and the intent of others for that matter. She's thinking of me, loves me, and its her way of showing it. Im glad my response is softer than it would have been last year. Even though my eyes did roll when I opened it lol we are 42% thru pinktober. Hang in there!
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Fear has definitely outweighed anger for me. But I agree about things that grate. A neighbor walking by (when I was still in chemo), asked how I was doing and said, "You're not going to let this thing beat you, are you?" I said, "I really don't have any control over whether the cancer kills me." She blanched, but maybe she'll think through her words a little more carefully next time. I said it matter-of-factly, though, and really do make an effort not to lash out at clueless but well-intentioned folks.
Right now everyone is posting on FB about "walking for the cure" and contributing to Komen and that twists me up a little, knowing how little of that money goes to research for better treatments or a cure.
And even on these boards - I am a little reactive to people who are sanctimonious about their approach to cancer as if there's only one right way to be on this path. It's particularly weird when people chime in about things they haven't experienced. I don't put my two cents in about rads or DIEP surgery or other things I've not experienced because I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about if I've not been there. And yet I see people who haven't had chemo weighing in on chemo, or (far, far worse) participating on the "Stage IV ONLY" threads when they were early stage. I don't get it. You'd think if any one in the world would be respectful of other's cancer experience, it would be us.
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According the CharityNavigator.org the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has not submitted the necessary documents in the past 7+ years that are needed to be rated. I definitely would not donate money to any charity that is not transparent re: how the money is spent..
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Hey magiclight, I'm on the charitynavigator.org website because I wanted to see that information only I can't find it. Where did you locate it?
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DebAl, my feeling about pink anything related to breast cancer is that I already have surgical souvenirs, thank you very much. Why on earth would I want any other reminders?
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edj...I typed in Komen in the charity navigator site and the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Foundation sites have no data "not rated'. There was info for the Komen for the cure @ 3stars. Hope this helps.
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Sure, sustained anger cannot be healthy. I don’t think anyone here is advocating we hold on to anger. But anger is an okay emotion to feel and shouldn’t be suppressed as though it were the wrong way to feel about finding out you have breast cancer. You’re allowed to be angry. Even if you’re diagnosed with early stage bc, have a reliable support system, an understanding workplace and good health care, it is still okay to be angry. You don’t want to get stuck there but don’t judge yourself for a very human emotion.0
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"Even if you're diagnosed with early stage bc, have a reliable support system, an understanding workplace and good health care, it is still okay to be angry."
Exactly. Think of how ridiculous it would be to say hat "Your injuries sustained in a car wreck weren't that bad, sorry about your broken leg that make you limp, and the cuts on your face that left scars that always be there, but no point in feeling bad about that. At least you weren't paralyzed."
Women have emotions and women can absolutely feel angry and IT'S OK to do that.
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