I’m so ANGRY
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Divine, the OP also worries about blasting some of the people who are trying to help her..... and that intense anger is NOT particularly helpful if it persists at that level. Yes, it's very good to accept your feelings, and know they are natural..... but why I suggested what I did was my interpretation of the OP wanting NOT to lash out on the innocent.
*Powerlessness* is a huge element of being diagnosed and thrown onto the cancer conveyor belt. Powerlessness is *often* a childhood trigger. If the shoe does not fit, fine. But it might.... If you feel rage from being powerless, it might connect to other disempowering experiences from early life and it might lead into an autopilot set of old reactions.
I work with abused kids. I am a CASA. I know that dysregulated emotions are very very common among formerly-abused humans. And they can take on a life of their own, and be hard to "surf", because the ability to self-regulate and manage intense emotions was never modeled or taught in that kid's childhood home. When things got emotional, they escalated and the problem got worse (for many kids). Often these kids will choose repression as a way to manage their intense rage or intense need, that threatens to become overwhelming. Or they will cut. Or use substances. Etc.
How you help these kids is help them sit and observe the emotion IN THE BODY without putting words to it. The MOMENT you stop having anger words/stories in your brain, the emotion itself is simplified. It's perceived as a knot in the belly or a tenseness in the neck or an energy in the limbs, or whatever. You just observe it and track it and it MOVES. It changes. It resolves. It helps not to use words just sensations. Many kids find this to be a revelation: rage will soon pass away, even when (especially when) if you are mindful to it in the body.
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santabarbarian thanks for being a CASA. That is truly good, heroic work right there.
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santabarbarian, that is fascinating insight into dealing with anger issues and I find it even helpful for myself! The OP states: “I don't know how to deal with my rage." Perhaps she can feel the anger as you suggest.
The other side of that is the OP is judging herself for the amount of anger she has: “it's making me feel like a horrible person as many have more serious situations.“
A bc diagnosis is awful enough to deal with, we don't need condemn ourselves because of the strong feelings we have about it. That's why you gotta give yourself permission to have such a visceral reaction to the circumstances. Feeling the brunt of it can help you come to terms with it.
It may be that she's never been this angry about anything before. Being angry doesn't make a person bad. She could frame this as “I am SO ANGRY! I am still a GOOD PERSON and I am so angry!" The bc diagnosis happened to her, to her body. She is worth the powerful emotion.
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I got the feeling, rightly or wrongly, that the OP was having a perfectly appropriate response to a cancer diagnosis. Rage seems like a reasonable response to being told that you have a potentially incurable disease, (as well as sadness, helplessness etc etc - all perfectly reasonable responses as well). Getting a handle on how to deal with it is another step in the process. There were some good ideas by other posters. I still think screaming is great (punching a pillow never felt right for me), and there is always counselling if it really feels overwhelming.
Santabarbarian's very insightful observations on rage in abused/powerless children/people may be spot on but I didn't get that impression from the OP. I may well be wrong.
Either way, ChaClarey, you are only a month out from a breast cancer diagnosis, it took me three whole years to allow myself to feel the rage. I hope you find an outlet for your rage, a good way to channel it into energy to move forward. Good luck on your journey.
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Thanks edj3. It has been one of the best experiences of my life! I'm very glad I did it, and i will get a new "CASA kid" when my current one ages out next year at 21 (of course I will stay in her life!). It's a not-too-many-hours volunteer job with a VERY large impact and satisfaction.
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I think it'd also help to let a few people close to you know that you are overwhelmed with anger. That you are surprised by its intensity. Some of us try to pretty-fie the diagnosis to our loved ones. “I'm okay. It's alright." You can say, “I am so angry. I know others have it worse than me, but I'm very, very angry." You can say that to your onc. You can say that to your onc's nurse. To the breast surgeon or radiologist or technician. To your husband, a close friend, your adult child. We don't need to put up the false bravado front so everyone else is “okay" that we have bc.
When I get scans which is early in the morning, I don't act all happy and perky with the personnel. I'm polite, but I'd rather I didn't have to be there and sometimes I say just that. Or they say, how are you and my reply is simply, I'm here.
Many women spend energy making others feel good about their diagnosis, but you have to find one or two people in whom you can confide your true feelings that won't judge you.
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Many times unexpressed anger is what is driving serious depression. Depression that lasts for years.
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Yes cowgirl. Sometimes abuse causes people to get depressed, and other times they will be pissed and aggrieved for the rest of their lives at anyone/anything--scapegoating innocent parties from a rage that does not abate because its origins are in early life and unquenchable in disguise.
Anger can be out of proportion both ways (perpetually explosive or too repressed). The sweet spot is anger being a good watchdog that keeps a person from being trod on, a good signal of needing to make a boundary, an anger that wakes us up and helps keep us safer.
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There's an expression that anger is depression turned outward and depression is anger turned inward. In other words, it can be extremely hard to tease apart anger and sorrow (and fear) and it can be useful to look at where the feelings are directed. I don't think there is a reaction to cancer that isn't valid. I don't get the impression that anyone on this thread is trying to say you "shouldn't" be angry or you "shouldn't" be scared or sad. Or at least, I hope no one is judging anyone else's feelings here. You feel what you feel. The question, to my way of thinking, is what do you do with those legitimate feelings (whatever they are) to keep them from drowning you?
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Often the only way out is through. That's where I am, working through those emotions.
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I agree with letting others close to us know that we are overwhelmed with anger. As with jealousy, acknowledging it and mentioning it explicitly helps defuse its grip on us.
I respectfully disagree with the idea of a sweet spot for anger, that helps us avoid being trod on or wakes us up to illuminate us. I don't think anger helps resolve conflict or achieve clarity. Quite the opposite.
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LG I meant that anger can be an indicatio that something is awry, so we then can make a change to address it. Not that the anger itself solves the conflict but more that it is the "signal" emotion that gets our attention to there being an issue that needs attention.
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I was soooo angry. Mostly I was pissed at what a cruel joke it was for me to do the blue ribbon screening, persuade my doc to cut off my breasts, and still end up with invasive cancer. Even now eight years later there are days it bubbles up and I get pissed and jealous about others' clear PBM. Let's also talk about tumor envy. I crazily compared my stats thousands of times those first few years.
I was always the “go along to get along" person. Still am. I find myself having dreams about yelling at someone for some long repressed anger.
That first life threatening dx is unlike any other. I think it changes a person. I'm not who I was. I think it was really important to be on the boards and also to meet regularly with a counselor in those early day. I spent so much time protecting my loved ones from my fears, devastation and anger. I feel that prolonged my emotional recovery, so hell yeah, feel what you feel.You do you.
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I have been dealing with breast cancer and it's effects for a few years now, and yeah, I am still angry. I look down at my concave, butchered chest, and believe me, I will never get used to this insult to my body, and frankly, I think that I would be missing some brain cells if I did. Worrying that every unusual symptom could be a reoccurrence....I will never be the same after this curse....never.
But, do I appreciate every day now? I sure do. I have a respect for life that I have never had before. Life is just sweeter, yes it is. Finally got my priorities right too. I like that effect.
People are shocked when women are truly angry, they just don't quite know what to do with them. It makes everyone uncomfortable. They say that breast cancer is a disease of "anger".....who knows, perhaps they are right. I do know this from what I have experienced thus far. Anyone who is not pissed off at having this nasty, maiming disease, well, I don't think they are really paying attention.
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I think righteous anger that we have for some unknown reason been dealt this hand is appropriate. Righteous anger is a great motivator, and it gave me a lot of energy to find the best treatment I could possibly get for myself (I refused to be a passive patient, saying yes to everything and not asking hard questions).
There was some research out there somewhere that infers that patients who are considered "difficult" patients by docs (e.g. we simply ask for and about things, we ask our doctors "why" and "why can't we have this kind of test or tx") live longer than passive patients-and respond to treatment better, too.
Here's an article on the topic, although it's rather old. I was "actively engaged" in my treatment, for sure
https://www.healthaffairs.org/doi/full/10.1377/hlthaff.2012.1061
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Agree with everything you said Claire. Being an active patient also gives you back some control throughout this mess. You demand answers to your questions and you make the decisions with your doctor's advice. I also agree with dear edj that the only way out with breast cancer, really is through.
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Please stop conflating active (or proactive) with angry. They are different things. There is no need to be angry to do what you need to do. Conversely, lack of anger does not make someone passive, not engaged, or a rug to be trod on.
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Thank for your post Gussy. I feel exactly the same for the same reasons. There must be thousands of us who dutifully got our annual mammograms. I asked my primary care doc why he never said anything and he replied “we leave those things up to the radiologist.” My furious question: why the silence? Why are medical professionals not telling us? Is it because insurance would balk at more imaging? I’d have paid for it out o my own pocket....
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Great Advice,Thanks a lot.
I too get stressed every time after my Follow up mammogram .
Thank a lot
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I have found it very helpful to go to an in person breast cancer support group. It helped me process my menagerie of emotions a lot better. Some people sometimes find it helpful to journal on a regular basis. Counseling can help, too. Sometimes exercise and some sort of way to get that energy out can help. Or go to a gym with a literal punching bag and punch it until you can't punch it anymore. And then go back and do that again for as many times as you need to.
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Note to Laughinggull:
Note that I did not say I was angry when I was being proactive.
Instead, I said my anger gave me motivation to direct that emotion into a more healthy way to protect myself.
Claire in AZ
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I also found much peace and relief in a support group, in my case a meditation group for cancer patients in my hospital. This was following great advice from the psychiatrist who runs the cancer supportive services at the hospital. And I found peace on basking on the love of family and friends. In sharing beloved hobbies with other people.
I also disagree that the problem with anger is "repressing it", and that as long as it is "released", it automatically turns into a productive thing. Acknowledging and accepting is one thing, but acting out? Who feels good after a session of angry screaming?
Yes, motivation is a good thing, but wouldn't it be better to find the motivation in a peaceful place? I definitely don't need anger to get off my *ss and I am much more effective when not angry. Including situations like arguing about my treatment and what went wrong or right with it and where to go next.
I did 20+ years of yearly breast screenings. Explorations (by a very experienced breast cancer surgeon), ultrasounds, mammograms, you name it, and I did it up until a few months before I found my cancer myself, already spread to my lymph nodes, locally advanced. I had dense, fibrocystic breasts. Who/what am I supposed to be angry at, precisely? My breasts? They are gone. Myself? I have suffered enough, thanks, don't deserve anger directed my way. Important people around me? They mostly love me. The surgeon? He is on my side. The radiologists? They are top-notch. What would I gain by being angry?
As somebody said right here, why not me? I am one of the ones in the 1/8th
Kuddos to the lady who went through cancer treatment right after losing her job. Wow. What a double whammy! You have all my admiration.
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Laughing, finding motivation through peaceful means is great if that works for you. It would be wrong to expect that everyone should follow that same route. Society pressures women to find soft and sweet ways of dealing with difficulties. Break out of that mold and you are often met with judgement as though something is wrong with you. Lets each of us express ourselves in ways that work for us.
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DivineMrsM, I so appreciate your posts.
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LaughingGull - I’ve been thinking of deleting my previous post, but it was an example of me releasing my anger in a productive way. My friend now has a restraining order against him. And yes, it felt so good to yell and scream at him. The sore throat was worth it.
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SerenitySTAT,
I was not responding to your post, I had not read it -I just did. I was not responding to any post in particular although I think some mentioned screaming to release anger as a good thing. These are my own musings on anger, result of thinking about my own anger. I was still yelling at somebody yesterday so I won’t pretend to have a perfect hold on my own anger but with training I am getting better and feeling happier.
So far not convinced about any of the arguments in favor of anger presented here!
Best to all,
LaughingGull
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4 years ago when I was initially diagnosed I was livid. I had mostly managed my weight (until menopause), competed in triathlons, and nursed my kiddos for a total of 2.5 years. Golden! NOT. At that point, only 3 Aunts had been diagnosed, and I was beyond shocked when the mammogram came back suspicious. Anger was a frequent companion as I did the whole initial treatment thing, and found that, like my Aunts, I could completely not tolerate AI's and since my Mom was a stroke survivor, no tamoxifen. But all good. NO ONE in my family (102 years combined breast cancer experience--Aunts, sister, Mom) had a metastasis. Boy howdy, rage is a mild word to describe my unadulterated fury when I was diagnosed stage 4. DH spent his entire career in the military--many years of separation--and retirement was to be the reward. The oncologist gave me 18 months--3 months before he retired. So yep. Rage, Fury, Anger. I felt robbed. Thankfully I had my sister to talk too, along with my Mom. DH has been a rock. I still get angry every so often, but I am doing better now with a PET scan that showed definite shrinkage of the tumors. But. Lots of anger for me--the disease, the treatments that stop working for many and are debilitating, the theft of a carefree retirement. Yep. Lots of anger. Managing that remains a work in progress, but anyone with anger as a response to BC has a compatriot in me.
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movingsocvermom that is TOUGH. So unfair. You have my sympathy. I have high risk of recurrence and I think often of what my reaction will be like if my cancer comes back
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movingsoccermom mad props to you. I'd be livid too.
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Laughing, no one is trying to convince anyone to feel anger when dealing with difficult circumstances, No one is saying that a zen approach is wrong so come on over to the angry side. What works for one does not work for all. No one person can say “my way is best."
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