I’m so ANGRY
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I'd change that to "People have emotions and people can absolutely feel angry." Remember, men can also get breast cancer, and they have much less support overall than women patients do.
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Oh agreed. But I chose the female pronouns because it seems as though those coming in here to take a dump on anger are in fact women.
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Yes, for a lot of people, sustained anger can take a toll on your health.
There are also exceptions to this rule. There is an older gentleman, not sure what type of cancer he has. He is the most miserable, angry person to everyone in his path. His wife talked to me a bit while he was in the washroom, apparently he has always been a cranky, angry man. Never been any different. Cancer did not cause it, he was always that way. Nothing in his history happened according to his wife. She also says other than the cancer, he never dealt with any health issues, just naturally healthy.
Turns out that the blanket statement that anger is toxic to health is not always true. If the anger is what you have that will help you make your way through this terrible disease, be angry. I don't care what stage you are, if in active or inactive treatment. We can all be angry.
For some, anger is a detriment to their health if held a long time. We just have to be wise enough know if we get depleted. Also anger is totally valid for the cancer, not for how we treat others. We need to feel free to vent here and not be judged as well. Just put our stress and anger here and leave it.
Let me contribute my anger. After five years of treatment I am angry that SE of my drugs which save my life have given me a terrible case of fecal incontinence. I don't know when or where this may happened. Have to wear diapers. This really pisses me off since my digestive system is fine without these drugs as of June. This is new and only the 2nd time I have had both my drugs. Even with controlling with probiotics, immodium and such, I have such anger toward this indignity. I plan to use my anger to this development to motivate me to fight it tooth and nail. The drugs have kept me NED for almost 5 years from the neck down and I dont want to lose it. I am still so pissed off that this is where I have come that cannot rely on my bowels. I will find ways to make it work for me in a way that does not make me insecure when going out. So pissed off anyway. Gives me energy to fight the SE.
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I’m scared, angry, anxious about what Treatment I will have, and an emotional wreck.
But thank you all for giving me a place to safely admit it. It’s so heavenly to have people to talk to who know what it feels like.
Maybe at some point I can feel courageous. Or feel like I’m fighting back. I hope it’s soon
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This is definitely a safe place to feel whatever's in your heart--truly.
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mac5... you don't even need to feel courageous.
I read here that you don't need to be brave. You just need to show up.
So that's what I did. I showed up for my diag mammo, my biopsies, my surgery, all RO and MO appts, PET scan, and I'll show up for my Rads simulation this week. And I will get a trophy for that. I think.
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I mentioned anger & toxicity, I think. This is a wonderful place to share anger. There's a possibility that someone here might even have help for a problem. Absolutely you will receive empathy and no judgement.
(Toxic Anger, I have witnessed and lived with. It was held close for 50+ years, every additional slight was piled onto the glowing embers. I keep this memory in my little brain because I do not want to fall into the Toxic Trap. The Serinity Prayer works for me)
❤️🙏❤️ You ALL (Hugs)0 -
mara, your anger is so understandable.
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I agree with Divine Mrs M...... Mara is justified in her anger.
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Sondra - I feel exactly the same way. I have faithfully had mammograms for 40 years. Some radiologists noted heterogeneous dense breasts but none ever recommended any follow up. it was "negative mammogram. See you next year". In 2017 at my annual the only thing seen were two axillary nodes. Nothing seen in the breast. I went to Moffit Cancer Center in Tampa, FL for biopsy and diagnosis. It was invisible to US. It could ONLY be seen on MRI. And, it was large tumor. I had a followup appt. with an oncologist I had not seen before and was told that tumor markers aren't done any longer, nor PET scans unless medically necessary. I just wait for symptoms before any of that happens. Incredibly stupid IMHO. No early diagnosis before treatment. I will be having a CAT scan for some hip pain that I've been having and will go from there if necessary.
I did tell the doc that screening mammos are out for me. I will not settle for anything less than an MRI from now on.
The word needs to go out but the big problem is insurance paying for it. And, yes, I am pissed off about the whole thing. The radiologists have probably shortened my life span. The chemo, which didn't do much good, gave me atrial fibrillation and shortness of breath, and neuropathy in my fingers and feet. The docs keep telling me that I'm "cured" but they don't realize that I have this black cloud hanging over my head now and probably forever.
Gussy
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I'm still at work for the time being and I know I've been grouchy since last fall (probably should have taken that as a sign...) but its really ramped up since the summer. Mostly this was due to feeling pretty used and abused and not recognized at all for shouldering way too much of a burden (when I should have been looking after myself) last spring for no good reason. The days I make it into the office at the moment I get tired by the afternoon and even MORE cranky - mostly because I am due some ibuprofen and I just want to go home. Yesterday I had someone whining to me that she didn't want to do the ten minute presentation on some lame 'work' we did and she has to take her vacation days some time, etc. and can't I just do it (I'm already slated to present on something else for 30 minutes that same meeting). I don't remember what I said but it was really really bitter and she asked in a teasing voice 'why are you so angry?'. I don't know, Im facing a terminal disease and have to sort out a lot of shit that is a bit more important than any of this, subject myself to some scary medicine, and my family are far away. Im angry at giving away my health and wellbeing to this place for nothing in return, for the pointlessness of it all, for the injustice and waste of potential. I know it didn't cause my cancer, but it sure as hell didn't help matters.
I'm not 'out' at work yet and Im not going to be (fully), but I think its probably time to take some medical leave, get some therapy/pills to manage this and move on. Im fine at home if Im not achy, and while this is the easiest gig I could ever have if I had to continue working, it just hurts my soul and adds anger and misery where there really doesn't need to be any at this point in time.
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Sondra, be wary of that co-worker. She comes across as setting you up. Here she is trying to get out of her responsibilities, trying to get you to pick up her slack. But she makes you out to look like the bad guy when you react in an unhappy way. Even to say “are you angry” in a teasing way is meant to set you off. Sounds like she’s egging you on to react in a way that puts you in a bad light, taking the attention off the fact that she’s shirking her responsibilities. I have a few people in my life who try doing this to me, try to get me to react a certain way. I’m learning to behave in a differently so they don’t trap me into looking like the fall guy.
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Oh for sure, she's a real b*tch and always has been. I usually don't have to interact with her, but the first project I had to work with her when I first started and she was just an awful handful. She complains about EVERYTHING. I pretty much work in a real viper pit of people who like to think they are compassionate. The hypocrisy would drive anyone nuts, so I work from home as much as possible
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Sondra. So sorry to hear about the viper pit. Its such a shame that so much work these days is soul draining.
Gussy. Ugh on the radiologists. And for shame on all insurance companies.
My insurance company cancelled both my new referral to oncology (required by them) and the medication request from my oncologist. I mean really. Who in their right mind thinks a stage 4 cancer patient doesn't need medication????? The customer service rep accused me of being hostile. To which I said, you bet. If your life was being threatened you would be hostile too. Still waiting for the stupid company to get its crap organized. Cycle 6 is supposed to start in a week.
Hugs all round. We all need them!!
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I also have dense breast which I didn’t know until I got diagnosed with triple negative n 4 lymph node involved. Why don’t they invested more on prevention, instead of later on knowing that just by having dense breast your risk increases to have C!?. These mammogram don’t really catch it on time, I discovered my own mass by having pain on one of my breast, this diagnosis have emotionally taken so much at my family
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Anger and hostility comes hand in handwith this insidious disease. Not only are we dealing with survival we have to contend with insurance companies and hospitals and doctors offices all with their hands out. I know ladies who have depleted their savings accounts just to pay for all the surgeries and meds with no guarantees.
Let me add my horrific story. My only sister died from metastatic BC just this past August. She suffered so. The blanking cancer came back 3 times and the last time it took her life. Our hearts are broken. I miss her so. She was a wonderful and loving person. My BIL is still in the state of shock as am I.
Am I angry and hostile? You bet. I just don’t think they are making much progress increasing the number of BC survivors or treatments either for that matter.
Diane
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Diane, while I have had anger about my bc, I am furious about my brothers esophageal cancer. He has done everything recommended to no avail. Now one of the tumors has fallen over the nerve that controls his vocal cords, so he is effectively mute. That is so damned cruel and I have been raging at DH & sister about it. So, I get where you are. Wish no one had to be here
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So sorry Yoga - my sister did that too and things got worse for her too. She could have least livedher final days without the horrific side effects of chemo. I get experimenting with solutions sometimes but the deck was stacked against my sister from the getgo.
Bless you and your poor brother. I can't even imagine. I wonder sometimes if we shouldn't just wing it on our own and take our chances.
Diane
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Geez, you are not horrible at all, just angry.. it's like a type of grief. Be as kind to yourself as you would a dear friend, and do the steps.. each day.
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Diane, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. This disease is cruel and does not care who it takes out. I had to help take care of my mother when she had lung cancer, all the while I wss still dealing with my own metastatic cancer. To top it all off, just prior to her death in January, an asshole killed someone near where I was living. I was not a witness to the murder but they threw their bloody clothes into my backyard. Oct through January of last year was a clusterfuck of massive proportions. I was angry and sad all at the same time.
Life has quieted down for me now. Been to court once to testify and will go back when the full case moves forward. Life marches on but it does not mean we can't be angry about. I now use anger to get through the things I find difficult.
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Hi sweetie. I was angry too. It's part of the stages of grief. I think we all experience it. Something that helped me was meditating. It helped me view my feelings as an observer rather than a victim. I'm not sure when it happened, but my anger eventually melted into gratitude. Gratitude that I wasn't dead already.(any of us can go at any time. It just seems worse thinking that you know how it will happen.) Gratitude for the loving support of others. For the fact that my legs work and I can speed walk off those unhappy feelings. Precious moments slip by for all of us. Hold on to them- love and enjoy them. Love your body and encourage it to heal. It wants to heal. Sometimes anger is useful. It keeps you going. It shows that you are a fighter! A strong and beautiful soul who has many more stories to tell, more sunrises to see and much more laughter enjoy.
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i am still angry about having bc. I did all the right things. Annual Mammograms etc. I was told I had dense breasts but was never told to do UltraSounds. When I had my biopsy report in hand it said my tumors were 6.5 years old. I was beyond furious. I wanted at one point to take all my belongings; put them in.a huge heap and set them on fire. I went back to school at 30 and recieved two college degrees. I worked so hard in college for 9 solid years. By 40 I started creating a career. By 46 I was dxed with cancer. From 43 to 46 I kept telling drs. Something was wrong. I kept getting blood tests etc. An incredibly high red blood cell count and my doctor did nothing about it. I finally found the lump in bed after doing a check. My practioner did a breast check the week before and didnt feel it. I would never turn my belongings into a funetal pyre but at times I am so livid about this. I worked so very hard to finally have the career I wanted. The atheletic body I wanted. The money I wanted. Then Boom! Cancer. Still pisses me off. My credit was wrecked. I was out of work three years. I gained lots of weight. My beautiful 44dd boobies are gone. I am a heavilly scarred b cup. Tamoxifen and Gabapentin have left me an achey fatigued angry fat sad mess. I consulted an attorney to sue the radiologists for not catching the cancer in 6.5 years. The lawyer said I had a case but it wasn't tragic enough to genetate a jury response where she could get millions. Not tragic enough. Not tragic enough. Honestly WTF.
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I am feeling so bad for a young woman I know who was recently diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer w mets to the brain. Her husband died 5 yrs ago with massive coronary. She has 2 young children. She never smoked or lived with a smoker, so this is such a shock. Just another example of regardless of what we do, there are no guarantees that cancer will not invade our lives. I cannot begin to imagine all she is going through. My heart is heavy for her and her little kids.
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Bcky, I am so sorry that attorney treated you so insensitively. That same attorney should try to live through what you have been through to this point. Having this dread disease does change our bodies and how we feel and saying that is not tragic enough belittles what you have been through. My thoughts go with you.
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Becky,
Your anger is so justified and yes lawyers can be amazingly total jerks. I’m so sorry you were treated so disrespectfully. About the dense breast notification -That seems to be typical - just a free standing statement without explanation. I saw that on my mammos before my dx but had no idea what that meant. It seems that whatever doctors see that report including your PCP should be required to discus some followup to find out what might be hiding there.
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Thanks Mara and Sara
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Bcky - I had a similar experience with dense breasts. I faithfully had screening mammograms for decades. Always came back negative with a mention of breast density but no recommendation for follow up. Since I had no family history of breast cancer that I knew of I certainly did not have it on my radar. Finally, in 2017 at my mammogram still nothing was seen in the breast but two axillary nodes did show up. That is the only reason there was follow up and the tumor still couldn't even be seen on ultrasound. It took a MRI to show a 6 cm tumor that the breast surgeon said had probably been there for ten years. Couldn't even feel it manually. I believe that radiologists dropped the ball, but on the other hand, there really isn't a standard of care such as US or MRI for dense breasts because insurance won't pay for it for screening purposes. People are starting to talk about it recently though, so perhaps things will change in the future.
I have been through all of the treatment which changed my body forever. I haven't felt really normally well for the last two years. At least not like I used to. Neuropathy, A fib, thin hair that was already thin to begin with plus terrible aches and joint pain from AI meds is what I'm left with. And, of course, a mutilated breast from a partial mastectomy. Hoping to have some fat grafting early next year to try and look a bit normal.
I'm sorry that you have had such a rough time. Let's look at our situations now and the fact that we are still alive and reasonably well and hope that we can continue to live ours lives as best we can.
Regards,
Gussy
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Bcky,
Me too (dense breasts). I had a gynecological NP do my physical exam back in 2007 and exclaim over my "very dense breasts", yet she never told me what that might mean for false negative mammos and higher incidence of breast cancer. I had no way to interpret what dense breasts might mean to my health and she didn't share one fragment of information about the threat. I had 5 clear (false negatives) mammos in five years, felt protected, and then found the problem through a random self-exam. I ran to my GP and she told me it felt like normal breast tissue and to "wait and watch". I waited 2 weeks and went back to her, and she somewhat resignedly agreed to send me for an US to rule out the problem. Instead it revealed the problem and down the rabbit hole of tx I went.
I get your disillusionment, disappointment, and righteous anger. All the way, sister.
Claire in AZ
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I didn't think I was angry. My attitude has been "well why not me". Until yesterday when I had to wait for a repair man that said he would be here at 8am and finally showed at 2:30pm. I had slept like crap and am still very tender at surgical site. So I went off on the poor man. Probably won't see him again! LOL. Nothing wrong with being angry tho. Have my post op visit today and have my questions ready. Then I can post my signature. Thank you ladies, it's good we have a place to share and vent. (I sound like a damn polly anna).
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AngieB92 AMEN! Thank you for saying that. I am looking through this thread for the obvious reason...I AM ANGRY! I haven't even started treatment yet...don't even know what the plan is. The anger hit me today and I marched around the house yelling! I didn't sign up for this! I don't want to fo any of it! And I want caretakers to not talk about my options like chopping off my body parts is a normal thing for them. Damn!
All of you ladies are my heroes. If you can all do this then damn it so can I!
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