I’m so ANGRY
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Thank you all.
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Alice I am sorry you feel that way. I am in no way a keyboard warrior. I am newly diagnosed. These are just feelings and thoughts that come to my head that I cannot control what I feel and think. I’ve also blamed myself for being overweight and drinking Dunkin’ domuts coffee everyday and wondering if that’s the reason I got inflammatory breast cnacer. I’m my own worst enemy. So please don’t take what I said to heart.
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I just want to say thanks for this thread. I have been struggling with the emotional turmoil of a BC diagnosis since March of 2017. I have so much to say and could not begin to explain it as well as some of you have, but I am BEYOND grateful to learn other people have anger (along with other emotions), and that I'm not completely alone. Between this thread and another group on FB that I joined today, I have a sliver of hope for the first time in a long time, and I look forward to waking up tomorrow.
Mods: this would be an excellent summary post / shareable on FB so some of us can at least try to explain to our friends and family why we sometimes act the way we do. A way to explain that fear, sadness, PTSD etc sometimes manifest themselves as anger or rage.
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Jack5ie, I feel your story so much. When I was first diagnosed in 2012, I had been having symptoms for many months. My nodes were swollen, I could feel lumps, I had nipple discharge, there were ripples, and pain...I ignored it, thinking "Nah, not me, I'm not that lucky." I actually said that. I have always had bouts of depression, but the willful ignorance and untreated depression of that time is what will kill me. (I was diagnosed a few years ago with Bipolar 2, which, believe me, explains sooooo much in my life)
Life changed, as it does, and I've never been as happy as I've been in the last few years. Lo and behold, I was just diagnosed Stage IV on Monday, after ignoring swollen nodes in my neck since March. (I'm cutting myself some slack on that one because it's not a place I've ever heard of cancer spreading and neck nodes swell normally)
I did this to myself in many, many ways. Do I know for sure if I had caught it early that it wouldn't have spread? No, so I'm trying to look forward instead of back - there's nothing I can do about the past. I can affect my future, maybe, by taking better care of myself now than I ever have before. We shall see.
Be gentle with yourself. ♥
P.S. I'm not angry (yet) but I'm pretty fucking annoyed and out of patience with the utter fuckery of the healthcare system. It's literally been 3 days. I'm in for a long _________ years.
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Hi everyone, I continue to follow along and not really saying much, but appreciating deeply the conversations that are going on as they echo much of what circles around in my head these days.
I'm not in a great head space right now so many things on my plate, more diagnoses than I can handle and feel like opening a portal into the world of my anger would probably send me reeling tonight. I need sleep since I see my new MO tomorrow. Test results already sent me reeling earlier today so maybe tomorrow or this weekend I will comment more fully on how anger dances within my daily life.
In the meantime I just wanted to continue to support & echo what others have said and thank you for sharing these important conversations, for sharing your thoughts, for sharing how anger hits you, for what it reminds you of, and what it does to you and your peace of mind.
In general, I think so much of this anger, at least for me, surrounds the fact that this all is a PROCESS. DivineMrsM stated with a pretty apt analogy and Runor too about how much of one it tends to feel like. Unfortunately in being a process it sure doesn't take in to count us as a person but more of us just being a number, the next in line. A cookie cutter to be cutout and no matter the case we get option a b or c. It's ludicrous and maddening.
Anyway thank you for this thread. I think it's very cathartic, even for those of us who may never post.
Much love & hugs to all .... Tomorrow is a new day.
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Divinemrsm & missmom79 ...How people choose to live is exactly that, their choice! In my mind it is simply down to luck of the draw. My grandmother smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day and drank also and lived until she was 90. I have an aunt who has never smoked a single cigarette and rarely drinks who has had breast cancer too. It is not up to you to judge other people's lifestyles and be angry that you got cancer and they didn't. I drink occasionally and am an ex smoker, do I then deserve my diagnosis? I was reserved about joining a message board community as I really didn't think it would me “my thing" this one thread has really helped me, with so many wonderful suggestions and positive comments. Yours was not helpful in the slightest, I don't believe you are angry, you sound bitter and spiteful. I hope you find the ability moving forward to be more compassionate towards everyone and not be so pious in your responses.
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Sunny, thanks, that's sweet of you. I live with metastatic breast cancer and have for almost nine years. That'll toughen a gal up. I've packed a lot of living into those years.
Breast cancer is a crap shoot. So is death. Numerous people I've known in my community died out of the blue in these last nine years. In May, my neighbor, same age as me, went into cardiac arrest on his front porch and died. Two other neighbors, separate addresses, similar to my age, died in their sleep. My husband's coworker learned, just as he was taking early retirement in April, that he had liver cancer. He died four months later in August. Another of dh's coworker's 48 year old wife had a brain aneurism and needs 24 hour care the rest of her life. Eight months later, the 48 year old’s husband learned he had stage iv pancreatic cancer and died six months after that. They'd been an incredible, vibrant couple cut down in their prime. My coworker's seven year old son died from leukemia. Another co-worker's daughter died of an overdose. Parents of one of my son's classmates died by murder-suicide. A clerk much younger than I at express care where I get bloodwork was told she was cured of breast cancer and died two years later of bc.
This doesn't include all the women I've known on this forum who've died since 2011. It's never lost on me that I'm fortunate to still be here.
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Sunnyborth, you wrote "Yours was not helpful in the slightest, I don't believe you are angry, you sound bitter and spiteful. I hope you find the ability moving forward to be more compassionate towards everyone and not be so pious in your responses."
Ah but you are not the only one on these boards. What you found unhelpful may have been precisely and exactly what someone else needed to keep moving forward, to acknowledge all the emotions snarled up in this whole breast cancer mess and to feel less like the only person on the planet to feel this way.
I know I've been helped so much by the transparent honesty of the posters here, men and women. I certainly don't always agree with what they've posted but they are sharing their experiences and I am grateful that they do.
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LaurenInPHX...thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps to know that I'm not alone. Most of the time I try to live my new life as best as I can and push any guilt, anger, despair, etc away. But once in awhile it does rear it's ugly head. Again, thank you for your honesty. (((hugs)))
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Jack5, my heart breaks for you. Please find it in yourself to forgive yourself. If one of your loved ones was dealing with your same situation, you would not want them to be unforgiving of themselves. There's the woulda coulda shoulda and then there's what is. Women lead hectic, take care of everyone else first lives. You have always done the best you could in light of your circumstances. Looking back, many of us could probably think of things we'd do differently, Would it change our present? Why dwell on what we cannot change. We are in the present, dealing with today. We are all doing the best we can.
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Thank you very much DivineMrsM.
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edj3
Ditto. quote "Ah but you are not the only one on these boards. What you found unhelpful may have been precisely and exactly what someone else needed to keep moving forward, to acknowledge all the emotions snarled up in this whole breast cancer mess and to feel less like the only person on the planet to feel this way.
I know I've been helped so much by the transparent honesty of the posters here, men and women. I certainly don't always agree with what they've posted but they are sharing their experiences and I am grateful that they do." unquote.
well said. And just to get back to the original "I am so angry" subject: Fuck cancer.
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Missmom79
You haven't said anything that someone hasn't already thought. Don't beat yourself up about it and please do note, I am/was athletic, skinny, healthy eater, breastfed my son, never smoked, drank only on special occasions (i.e. twice a year) and I got BC. So no point blaming yourself. Or go ahead and blame yourself and then move on as soon as you can. Can't go backward. Waste of energy.
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This is an awesome thread. Thank you ChaClery for starting it and all of you who post here. I've done therapy in my life and it has been very helpful as it was really the first place I could experience my anger, let it out and not be judged. Personally, I don't think its helpful to offer suggestions on how to deal with your anger unless you are asked. This is let it out and not be judged.
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Cowgirl13: Thanks for expressing what I was thinking but was reluctant to post. Unsolicited suggestions can be viewed as judgmental and I don't think that was the intent of this forum. People wanted to be able to express their anger in a safe environment free from judgment with other posters that could identify with the anger they felt.
Personally if one more HCP tells me I "received the standard of care" I will most likely have to restrain myself so I do not tell them in no uncertain terms what a shitty standard it is and how dehumanizing this entire process has been. Too many CYA moments with RN's/MD's that never expressed an interest in my perspective of the treatment rendered.
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Well to be fair to those who offered suggestions, ChaClery did ask what to do with her rage.
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trinigirl50, thank you for pointing this out. Noted.
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DivineMM, your post, about all the losses, one after another piling up, randomly, in houses and families near you and known to you. It reminds me of huddling in your home while bombs are dropped on your village. You see everyone around you getting blown up and you huddle under the kitchen table, the roar of overhead bombers in your ears and brace for what very well might be coming your way. At any moment. You are without protection. Without safety. Utterly vulnerable. You are a civilian, you carry no weapons. You are not in active battle with anyone and yet all around you people are being blown up, buildings leveled and it never lets up. Everyone is equally about to be collateral damage. (not you personally DMM, this is The Royal You, as in all of us)
I think humans, when backed into a corner, come out fighting. I think rage and anger can actually be the step that leads us back to some sort of life. Sometimes anger is the last stop before giving up. It is the last fist you make and hurl into the face of the destiny that you cannot change. Anger, rage can be a way to take that backed-in-a-corner terror and grief and scream EFF YOU CANCER!
Does this cure anyone? No. BUT... I think people are born to either fight or flight and while we can all temper our responses, and sometimes we all need to, our reaction styles might be an innate part of our DNA. Extreme rage is crippling. Extreme passivity is an equal sin and equally crippling. I have a friend who, when suddenly surprised and scared, crumples to the ground. I have friends who, if you sneak behind and say boo, will utter a squeak and leap and cringe. Me? If I am surprised suddenly I make a fist and swing. Or whoever frightens me will get clobbered with whatever I have in my hand. Hub and Daughter have both learned to shout, from a fair distance, 'It's me and I'm coming round the corner!" Because I have seriously clocked them both for startling me.
Anger and rage that you express at unsuspecting people at unsuspecting times is a problem with personal conduct, not a problem with rage. It's like farting. You can feel like you have to fart but you still don't let one rip in the middle of an office meeting. What you FEEL and what you DO are two separate issues. I FELT a lot of rage and I cried a lot and was more of a bitch than usual here at home...but I did not abuse staff or other people I encountered as they 'processed me'. I think it's unreasonable to think we all have to get over our rage. I do think we need to learn to manage it. Sometimes we have to take a deep breath and say, "Later, later, later I am going to write really mean poetry about that nurse and laugh over it!" In my opinion it is okay to BE angry and to FEEL angry. It is not okay to ACT angry when it is not appropriate to do so, or the target is, in fact, not the problem, but just the hapless idiot who happened to be on shift the day you needed a needle in your boob.
There once was a nurse from Nantucket
in my boob, her needle, she stuck it
She said, 'all is well', I said, 'go to hell'
I'm not coming back, you can suck it!
(if you must write mean poetry to let off steam, it needs to be better than bad limericks!)
I would urge the original poster to not feel bad about feeling angry. Just to try and focus on not acting angry at people who are not to blame. But if someone IS to blame, all bets are off. Whip out your pen and write a good one! (iambic pentameter them into submission!)
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Ditto.
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These posts are so helpful in my struggle to manage my anger. While I have had anger about having bc, it has been tempered by my relief that it was found early. I am most angry about the lack of response I have had from my team. It started w drain removal. I went for my f-u appt w breast specialist a week after surgery but drains weren’t ready to come out. She told me to contact her through pt portal when they were ready. I did that....no response. Waited 2 days called, nurse agreed they were ready to come out & would check w Breast Specialist & call me back. Didn’t hear for 2 days, finally called back, talked to a different nurse who talked w breast surgeon who told me to come in and nurse would remove. I then sent another message on portal to specialist about appt for Rx for mastectomy bras & prothesis. No response. Saw the MO who wanted to get oncotype and recommended Femara. She called but got voicemail so left me a message on portal that oncotype indicated no benefit from chemo and had called in Rx for femara. I replied that I would like to know oncotype score to determine risk/ benefits of femara bc I am weighing the risks and benefits of using an AI. No response. I Ammost angry that no one on the team even mentioned potential side effects of AI and I had to research this on my own. My cancer center is considered one of the best in the nation and for me, it begs the question.....
Thanks for letting me blow off some steam!
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it’s ok to be angry, just accept the feelings and walk on through it girl!! You got this!! Hugs
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Yoga, I'd be angry, too, about those lack of responses. One thing I've learned is it's okay to make a pest of myself by making phone calls. If I'm waiting for answers or results, I will call in the morning to inquire and then in the afternoon to check to see the progress. If no answers that day, I will call the next. Until I get answers. I'm never rude, and say things like, I was getting nervous waiting so I thought I would call. It's true the squeaky wheel gets the grease. That portal they expect you to use doesn't seem to be effective. I'd make calls and if they suggest the portal, I'd say nicely but firmly that it didn't seem to be a good way to communicate.
I'm nervous before making some calls, but I make myself do it. Imagine if it were my husband or son. I would have no problem making calls. I need to extend that advocacy to myself. We all need to do that for ourselves.
I ask lots of questions when I take family members to doctors or hospitals. I ask how long something should take, who will be doing procedures, what prescribed medicines are supposed to do, ect. I've been overlooked too many times and now I make my presence known, and my loved ones presence known.
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Somebody farther up in this thread asked how come not many people who are feeling pretty positive about their cancer journey so far are responding. I don't want to speak for the rest of people who might fall into that category, but I myself am feeling like my head is in a pretty good place overall right now. And I absolutely don't want to minimize or gloss over the OP's very legitimate feelings, emotions, and experience. I want to respect where the OP is coming from. I'm afraid to say much because I don't want to put fuel on the fire...I want to be supportive but, honestly, don't really know how to do that very well at the moment.
We're here for you.
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Divine, thanks so much. I know you are right about advocating for myself.
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Maggie, pushing through and getting there!! Thanks.
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I noticed other women on this site advocating for themselves and I learned it is okay and smart to do. One early lesson came in 2011 during the diagnosis phase. I got a call at 8 am that my MRI appt at 10:30 am was canceled because the machine had a broken power something. After the call, I had a full drama melt down.. Dh and I had taken time off work for the MRI plus I wanted medical answers! Being in limbo was awful. By 11 am, I asked dh to contact the hospital to find out when the machine would be fixed so my appointment could be rescheduled. The tech said "UPS is delivering the repair part at one today. Can you get here by 2 pm?" We were so there. A fast turn-around I didn't expect. If dh hadn't called, they might have rescheduled for a different day.
Waiting for call-backs is a passive habit we women can fall in to. It's the submissive, good-girl, I'm doing what they told me approach. Bc is serious—it's okay to take serious action. Be pro-active. You don't always have to play by their rules. There are many books written by doctors who become patients and one common theme is "we doctors could do better for our patients." They don't always understand what we experience until or unless they are patients themselves.
While it seems a bit off topic from anger, my tie-in is how society shapes what's considered acceptable women's behavior. Don't be surprised if a life-changing bc diagnosis leads you outside of those societal boundaries.
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DivineMrsM, I read, I stood, I applauded and cheered. A thousand times, YES!
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Lauren. Regarding ignoring symptoms. It doesn't always matter. Look at my original diagnosis, Stage 1, only found on mammogram, nothing to palpate at all. Did surgery and radiation. Could in no way tolerate AI's--Mom is a stroke survivor so no Tamoxifen. Four years later, the stupid lump in my incision (there from day 1 post-OR), had grown and was cancerous. PET scheduled because I refused a mastectomy (I had seen the mammogram and all else was clear). Stage 4. At least I found out why I had a nagging cough..... Point is, it didn't matter. Some of those stupid little cells escaped and took up residence mid-chest. Fortunately there are new drugs that have been very effective, so far, for me and others, and hopefully you too.
Hugs
Agreed Divine and Runor. I wish you could have seen the surgeons face when I said no mastectomy with recurrence.....
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Im glad to see I wasn't the only one feeling a lot of inward anger and missing symptoms, or beating myself up for not taking the time back in March when the real worrier showed up (nipple retraction) because I was under a ton of pressure at work and didn't feel like i could take the time for me. Maybe it would have mattered, maybe not, but its no use worrying about it now.
The only times I have been truly angry in this process (so far) is waiting to meet with my doctors, usually running a hour or two behind schedule, and the horrible hallway I have to wait inn order to be called. I'm not even supposed to be assigned to that hospital but my GP assigned me because they were the ones with the first open date for an exam. But the waiting really does make you feel more like a number and one in the never-ending stream of patients coming through with this. I'm not a number, I'm not a statistic or an outcome, I'm a person who is worried and scared and confused.
For the most part this diagnosis has chilled me WAY out - nothing matters anymore, especially bs work crap, than sorting this out and staying calm and removing as much stress as possible from my life. That includes yelling at my partner to calm himself down when he gets upset over some moron staring at their phone walking into him (yet again) - like is this really necessary? Of all the things going on in our lives right now you are pissed off at THAT asshole? He's gotten a lot better once I told him I wasn't going to spend the next 8 months stressed out over petty drama like that.
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"For the most part this diagnosis has chilled me WAY out - nothing matters anymore, especially bs work crap, than sorting this out and staying calm and removing as much stress as possible from my life. That includes yelling at my partner to calm himself down when he gets upset over some moron staring at their phone walking into him (yet again) - like is this really necessary? Of all the things going on in our lives right now you are pissed off at THAT asshole? He's gotten a lot better once I told him I wasn't going to spend the next 8 months stressed out over petty drama like that."
Sondra...tell me about it! It's the same thing with my husband. He gets so upset over nonsense like robo calls and whatnot and like you I'm like...why?!!! Maybe they are in denial and just want life to go on as normal, but I have a lot more to be concerned about than a stupid robo caller that I can just hang up on or better yet, just not answer at all. Hello caller ID!
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