STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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@ctmbsikia - I can empathize with your infuriating situation. I had a similar situation when I was diagnosed three years ago. When DH informed his family of my diagnosis, his sister emailed me to advise that she had had BC ‘many years ago’. My recollection had been that she had a biopsy with benign findings. So I empathized and asked what treatment she had. She then backed off and said ‘maybe it wasn’t cancer’. An hour later she emailed to say she checked with her husband and he confirmed she did NOT have cancer as the biopsy was benign. Her final comment to me was that having cancer was just an inconvenience. This exchange occurred within a few days of my diagnosis and I definitely felt BC was more than an inconvenience.
DH’s sister’s husband was unfortunately diagnosed with throat cancer earlier this year. His treatment was brutal but he is cancer free at this time. During a family get together in October her husband told me that she just didn’t ‘get’ what he had been through. Based on several interactions in recent years, DH and I have been concerned about his sister’s cognitive state. Her behavior at the October family gathering was odd so there may be more going on than we are aware of.I think most people cannot truly empathize with a situation (cancer or otherwise) unless they have been through it. Nonetheless I was furious with DH’s sister for a long time and the October get together was the first time I agreed to attend a gathering with DH’s side of the family in the last few years. We’ll be seeing them again this weekend and I’m not looking forward to it.
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Some people need to check their mouth before the brain engages!
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Uncle is Stage IV prostate cancer going into hospice and docs are doing their "goodby" visits to him right now. He just found out he going to be a grandpa again in August so know he may not be done fighting though and not ready for hospice care even though some of the docs seem to giving up on him do not think he is ready and wants to keep fighting.
Cancer is hard. May everyone have a good and safe New Year and a year with no issues on scans!!!!
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BC-Tell your uncle I know a man who has had Stage IV prostate cancer for over 10 years. He's still doing great-out and about. Only God knows our "expiration date." I think there is actually a Stage V for prostate cancer. Best wishes to him.
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Thank you. It is not an easy decision for him and he is resisting doing home hospice and right now also hates the fact that he is on oxygen all the time now and therapy is coming a few times a week and they are "strangers in his house". He might do better with in an inpatient hospice we think but we can't tell him that either since it is his decision to make. His wife died many years ago and know he is ready.
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Gues uncle saw radiation Oncologist who said no point in putting him through it since he is not constant pain right now. Primary doc had prescribed pain meds when he was in the hospital last time and he has them but said he does not feel he needs them. Even though cancer is spreading we know right now he is not in constant pain right now and wants to do what he can right now. Do not blame him for that.
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Hi. Bumping this up to say Hello! @bcincolorado I hope all is going well with everything you are dealing with. I think of you often and consider you and many others here my virtual BC friends.
I am not really steamed at anything but am spiraling just a bit after my MO appt. today. Our minds just go so many places I usually end up having a little cry afterwards. I never wanted to know anything about my health or my breasts. I always wanted to be treated in an emergency/unconscious condition all my life. That worked for 56 years, but at 62 it is no more! Now that I am in the system (so to speak) it has become a necessity to keep up on things, and most importantly you need to be your own advocate. MO told me today he is retiring, so I will be seeing a new doc in 6 months. My primary care doc went to a concierge practice which I cannot afford so I have a new primary appt. next month. I basically just picked someone accepting new patients within Penn at my local location. I just signed the medical release form. I am trying to stay positive and confident I will not be intimidated by all these new people coming into my life. It is bound to happen though. I have to take the perspective that changes will occur the longer I live. Does one just need to carry their medical records around?
The usual happened at my appt. They did not have me down for Prolia, so have to wait 2 weeks for insurance to approve and I'll just go back in for my shot. No big deal.
My sister just turned 60! As you may know, she is stage IV with ILC & bone mets since age 50. Her MO is absolutely amazing. I wonder what in the world will she do if she leaves/retires? She is also a Penn Med MO. She really is the best. My sister would be lost without her! Sister is retiring in 6 weeks. I'm so happy for her. My brother in-law also retired at the end of last year. They need this and I pray they live the rest of their lives on their terms.
I haven't spoken to my husband's niece about her latest recall etc. It's so different than my family.
My daughter is getting married Aug. 2nd!! It's a whirlwind of emotions and I really miss my husband the pain in the ass he was.
My name may be on the stone, and I know I will be buried next to him, but I have kept going and I will keep going. I just still get sad sometimes. And lonely. I am mostly doing OK though!!!! It's really surreal. This life. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Appreciate the space to vent.
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Hi ctmbsikia It s good to see you here again. So sorry about your sister though. I am glad she can retire at this point.
I agree that changing doctors is a pain. It helps if you have the same system and do not have to transfer records at all but try to remember everything and all the tests and not duplicate stuff is hard to keep up with sometimes depending on where you live and your doctors.
I know you miss your husband and it is natural to miss him. Take care of your self. Virtual hugs to you.
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Uncle going into home hospice and signing paperwork today for his Stage IV cancer since it is spread so much and they said he can't fight at this point. Know he is ready. Both of his sons live within a few blocks of him but the older one is a big jerk and guess when they first met with the hospice nurse who explained everything to them the one son started fidget and said he something to do how long was this going to take. They all knew the meeting was on Saturday and arranged it since he is a teacher and was in school. Of course my uncle got all upset and told him if he had to leave then to go and they would fill him in. The younger one was there to hear it all who does most of the stuff for my uncle at that point.
After they left he tried to call them on the phone and my cousin got on the phone and guess they got into a yelling match on the phone and he told his dad what a bad father he was and it was all his fault his wife fell and got hurt on a step he did not fix and would be in pain all her life. Of course they live at no cost in a house he bought and paid for. So does the other son.
He sure does not need this drama at the end of his life. I email with him all the time and try to support him the best I can. I just feel so bad for him right now to deal with this when he needs peace right now.
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Wishing peace and a pain-free transition for your uncle. Son sounds like a piece of work. Probably better if he stays away. Wonder if he's trying to set up a last minute lawsuit by mentioning the stair injury?
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Oh, bc, I'm so sorry for the drama with your uncle. His one son sounds like a narcissist. I'm glad the other son is there for him and I'm also glad you can send him emails with messages of love and support.
(((hugs)))
Carol
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BC - You're poor uncle! I want to try to be kind to your cousin and assume that it's all just too much for him to handle and he's lashing out, in spite of really caring and not wanting to lose his dad. Whatever the situation, he's absolutely no help for your uncle right now. Your uncle is very lucky to have you and his younger son. It's really nice of you to be there for him.
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I do my best to be supportive of him. Hospice nurse is coming several times a week and know the meds are in the house now for when he needs them. He is trying to get some food at least in the day now it sounds like at least even thought not a lot. Drinking some Boost every day at least which I know helps get some in at least. Sounds like the daughter in law is asking the younger about his condition but won't talk to him directly at this point after the whole blow up thing last weekend. I am sure she is trying to support her husband but it is so sad. I know if they do not make peace they will all be sad. It will also harder on my uncle as well. I think he is ready as well since he has been through a lot at this point and his wife died a few years ago.
Had annual check up with primary today and had to get lab work and a pneumonia shot so feeling puny now. Those shots always make me feel bad whenever I have to get one. I know it is for my own good but also kind of feel like if I go no where I am not going to get sick and get pneumonia so why do get one but did to be a compliant patient I guess. Then have to still go get scans and other testing he wants done as well since cancer patient. I decided those scheduling appointments can wait until tomorrow at this point.
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Venting !!!
Tonight I am at a meeting, just 4 ladies, none of whom I know very well but this is the 4th time we have met together. We are trying to form a card group.
Lady 4 is talking. She is young. She is telling us about her relationship woes. About a fellow she likes but he ghosted her and she doesn't know why and when she thinks about it, she falls apart. She is saying that she was driving home with her two kids in the car when she had a sudden panic attack thinking about it all, thinking about life without anyone special and close, how was she going to cope with everything, and that she began to cry uncontrollably and hyperventilate, while driving down the highway! It scared her and the kids but she has these moments of crippling anxiety. As she was talking tears were welling in her eyes, this was obviously upsetting and painful for her.
I spoke up. I said (paraphrasing), when I was diagnosed with cancer it was all I could think about. It was in my face, front and center for 2 years. It robbed me of joy and motivation and hope. It took that mortality that we all like to keep on the back burner and slapped me right between the eyes. I said, in the cancer group (meaning right here, BCO) I read where someone said they get through the day by saying, 'yes, this cancer might be what finally kills me, but not today. NOT THIS DAY! ' And having said that, they get on with their life. Now. In this day. In this moment. And when you feel overwhelmed by all the bad things you imagine you have to think that right now, in this moment, driving down the highway with your kids in the car on your way home, you are okay. You might have bad days and days to really cry. BUT NOT THIS DAY! And that is what I tell myself because yes, this cancer might come back and kill me, but not today, Buddy, not today!
I said this to be encouraging. To offer a perspective for those moments when you are about to be swept away with bad feelings. I have never forgotten that piece of wisdom I read here, in these pages. It has stayed with me for years now. When I feel overwhelmed and scared, I repeat it to myself.
Instantly lady #2 turned to me and snapped, You can't talk like that!
What?
You can't talk like your cancer is going to come back and kill you. Don't you know that you manifest things with your words? Don't you know that you have to ,,,(and in my head I am screaming, don't say it !!) think positively?
Oohhhhh noooooo, she said it !! She said it. Now shit is going to hit the fan. One of those Pointless Positivity dingbats who think that tralee, tralaa, we can all just wish and float our way out of cancer. Who think that it is bad attitude that gives you cancer as opposed to random genes or cells that go berserk. Apparently only those sour, negative, dark people get cancer while the happy, healthy, singing songs and blowing bubbles granola types never do. Cause cancer is all in your head, self inflicted. And apparently also self- cured with just one or two appropriately powerful positive thoughts. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!! I should not be speaking about cancer coming back, no matter what the statistics say, no matter what you read here in the bios of BCO. Because cancer, like an uninvited vampire, is lurking, waiting and the thing that brings it back is speaking its name and the thing that cures it is a positive thought.
You might be wondering (or not) how I conducted myself in this trying moment. Did I express my amazed gratitude? Why, thank you for this illuminating bit of wisdom. I surely did not know that I caused my own cancer by thinking bad thoughts and I am astonished to hear that surgery, radiation, tamoxifen and endless effing tests have all been utterly unnecessary had I only had positive thoughts. Did I say that? No. I did not.
I cleared up that damning and offensive idea that I caused my own cancer and could think it away if only with the right thoughts. We ALL know that is bullshit. And it's cruel. This is said by people because they don't want to feel bad. They are uncomfortable with some realities. They want it to be easy. They want it to be our fault. But it isn't. Bad luck is bad luck is bad luck. And anyone who enters into battle with this dragon, in a fight for life, is scarred by it forever and knows the dragon can come back. We never get to UNknow that. Ever.
"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs." M. Scott Peck
Put that in your positivity pipe and smoke it. My god.4 -
Well put! Love that line you have about NOT TODAY. Have to put that somewhere on a post it note on mirror to see it in the morning when I get up and look at it in the morning. I am here TODAY. Make it the best one I can TODAY.
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Howdy steam room. What I wouldn't give to be in one right now, or a hot tub. My wrist, hands, fingers are killing me!!!! Right one especially today. It's just getting progressively worse. I notice this tingling all day long now, and I always had trouble at night. Even before BC. I try to sleep on my back with my hands under my arse! I think I have a carpal boss lump on my left hand. It doesn't hurt thankfully.
I'm going to pick up a refill of anastrozole as well as 2 new braces since I can't find my old one and see if wearing them helps at all. If it doesn't, I'm seriously considering stopping the AI. The braces (as I remember) did help me before, so I hope they will again. I also have a liquid form of glucosamine which I've taken before for leg pain, and it worked as needed. Not sure if it will help my hands and wrists. Seeing a new internal med doc at the end of the month. Also, MO is retiring, so getting a new one of those too. Everybody new this year but I suppose it is bound to happen.
Anyway, just having a bad painful day but it's almost over and I'll be heading to the Advil bottle and off to dinner with friends and having at least one margarita. Maybe 2!
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Hugs to you ctmbiskia. We are dealing with the worst snow storm we have had in a long time. Snow blower won't even work on it because it is so deep. After my fall last year I cant even go help and DH who is disabled himself is out there with a heated coat trying to work out there for the last few days. Caused issues with reception and shows and movies we were recording as well. Guess thankful we have enough food in the house for many days so do not have to leave here if it came down to it have not lost power at this point since some folks have. We have also not had a tree go down because of the heavy wet snow and some have had that to deal with as well. Saw on the news yesterday about someone had one fall on their house!!!
Weather is terrible all over right now it seems and know those dealing with medical issues can't get to the appointments at all. Cancer is hard enough when weather is decent and no weather issues.
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Hey Gang!
Need to vent! Our so-called friends knowing our new bed was being delivered yesterday began texting us at 8 a.m. yesterday about if the bed had been delivered and set up yet. They knew it was supposed to be delivered between 11 and 3 yesterday. It ended up being delivered a little earlier. As soon as they found this out, they kept bugging us about going somewhere with us for the day. By this point from holding my 30 lb. dog while the old bed was being taken out and the new one being set in place, my back was screaming in pain, I was not feeling up to going, but they insisted and got their way. Knowing my back was hurting, our so-called friend’s husband didn’t even ask if I minded he sat in my seat which has lumbar support for my back and is set to my specific comfort! I got forced to sit behind my hubby in a seat that has no support for my back. The guy slouches in my seat and always changes the settings to suit him, so when I get in the car, I have to change it back to my comfort level! Plus he messes with the vents on my side of the car so there is no air flowing in his face! So that has to be adjusted too when I’m in the car! On top of this, my hubby and I knew one of the college basketball teams we watch were playing yesterday afternoon and we usually can catch it on the radio. Again, our so-called friends nearly made us miss the game on the radio as they proceeded to change the radio to a station they wanted without asking despite it being our car! My hubby asked me to look up the station the game was on, so I did and he changed it to the game. They got in a snit because they had to sit through the game! On top of this, hubby and I wanted to eat at Red Lobster, we got forced by the couple to eat where they wanted and now both hubby and I are not feeling a bit on the sick side from it. One of these times I’m going to blow my top and lay the law down to them that it’s our car, our gas and our health they are screwing with!
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Did your team win? Mine did :)
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mOmmyof3, so much for "friends." What is wrong with people?
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Homemom,
mine won but lost to Illinois today. Hubby’s alma mater is a #1 seed. Mine got put in the bracket that has Duke in it (insert choice of curses here lol)0 -
Sunshine,
I know.Then my FIL started his usual crap today. I can’t win.
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DH watches the games but watches somewhere else since not my thing. I have shows I record he hates and watch those. With us both at home all day it does us good to be in different places in the house sometimes. Keeps the peace in the house that way. Then he and our son text each other about the games often. They used to watch together when he lived at home and was young. But now he is in his upper 30's with 4 kids. He and his dad just watch by text now.
Remembered need to sit and schedule about 3 medical appointment. DH wants to get taxes worked on as well. Dog also has to get in for one as s well for her annual checkup and shots. May wait until he works on those to work on the appointments since he prefers to be left alone. Hate trying to schedule stuff and deal with all the medical stuff too. Sometimes kind of want to ignore everything and live like nothing is ever wong with me.
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hi all
Why can’t my parents get it through their heads that “high risk of recurrence” and “grade 3 aggressive” means don’t waste time you probably dont have? They are so negative about me taking trips and doing things that cost money. I have no kids or husband. I’m not saving my money to bequeath to anyone. I’m 62 and not looking to retire just yet but I’m going to travel and do quilt retreats. They have chosen to sit at home and do little or nothing in their 80’s. No friends, no hobbies, not even long visits with family because “the cats can’t be left alone for long”. My two cats do just fine for a few days alone and pet sitters can take care of longer absences! They don’t limit my travel time in the slightest!
Three childhood friends want to travel back to Norway with me in 2025 to visit the place we met and grew up together. Mom says have you done your taxes, I say not yet but the refund is going into the Norway trip fund. She tells me she thinks I should forget that trip. WTF? WHY? Too expensive she says. I say what part of 86 percent chance of being alive in 5 years sounds encouraging to you? And the 10 year statistic is even lower. How long am I supposed to wait before I do the things I want to do? I’m going to Norway next year damnnit!3 -
kathryn, good for you! As an adult woman, you’re free to spend your money and your life how you want! I think everyone on this forum would agree that your travel plans sound wonderful. Move on from your parents’ judgement. I’ve learned so much about putting boundaries in my life the past few years and it’s helped me to live life on a fuller level. One expression I love is “stop shrinking to fit places you’ve outgrown.” I don’t put up with being treated poorly by others the way I used to.
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Oh, kathryn, I think parents will always be parents. I agree that you should take the trip. Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead! What are you supposed to do? Sit home and wait to die?
Divine, I love that quote. It's so fitting.
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GO on the trip. You won’t regret it. As an adult you can choose how to live your life. If your parents wish to sit home they can do so, but you need to keep living.
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kathryn,
I echo what others have said. While it is very respectful of you to consider your parents opinion, I will be blunt… you are almost a senior citizen. If you are doing nothing illegal or ethically questionable, your parents have no say in how you live your life or spend your money. You are also a far better woman than I am as I would have been very upset with my parents for thinking they could interfere with how I spent my time and money in my 60’s!
Waste of money? Unless you are not able to afford the trip, what else do we have money for but to enjoy what it can buy (bills not withstanding)? At 62 it’s time to loudly declare your independence. Go, enjoy, and firmly establish your adulthood with your parents!
PS: I have been living with mbc for 12 years and do whatever the heck I want with my time and money and you should too. One of my few remaining travel fantasies is to see the Aurora Borealis from Norway on a Hurtigruten ship!2 -
From one Kathryn to another - you are an adult - you should be able to enjoy your life with whatever pursuits you choose. While others can comment on your choices - it is your life, and only yours. Enjoy it, it is precious and if the ghastly C does nothing else - at least it has helped me understand how precious being able to enjoy life is. As others have observed - I have noticed it has also helped me say "no" and self-advocate. Enjoy the power.
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kathyn parents are not wanting to "think the worst" of course. It does not matter how old you are they still think you are going to be fine. You need to enjoy life and do this dream trip while you have the energy to get it done.
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