STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

bcfightr,

Yes,people, even those closest to us, sometimes say some awfully naive things. The reality is that we can’t control how other people behave or respond to our dx. Most people, including many of us, had no clue that bc was such a complex disease so some of those out there comments simply come from lack of understanding. I also think that some try to downplay the seriousness of bc in an attempt to comfort the patient.

That being said, DCIS comes with some controversy as it is not invasive. It puts you in a very favorable position as opposed to those who are metastatic or late stage de novo. There are doctors, oncologists even, who do not consider it to be cancer and believe it’s over treated. The vast majority of those with DCIS are treated and never recur but that isn’t always the case so some worrying is understandable. Cancer is cancer, is an oversimplification and simply untrue. Some cancers are invasive, others aren’t. Cancers can be treated very differently depending on what type of cancer you have and there can be many possible variations in treatment for even the same cancer, depending on the type/characteristics of the cancer. You put a smile on my face because my late father always said, “Cancer is cancer” as he sent me many articles about prostate, pancreatic and any type of cancer you can think of. I never could convince him otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️but it was very sweet and caring.

Anyway, I hope things get easier with your mom but the biggest thing I’ve learned is that we have no control over the reactions of others. Take care

@bcfightr24, I find it is easier not to waste my energy trying to change people's misconceptions - it can get very tiring and, a lot of the time, not be successful. As @exbrnxgrl said - you can't control how others react. I either try to avoid those well-meaning individuals and focus on what is important to me. I don't have the time to waste getting angry about the idiocy of others and I do my best to focus on positive things. But you know that you will get understanding and support on these boards and not judgement. We know about the fear and the uncertainty even if others do not understand the impact on us.

bcfighter, I just want to kick your mother in the shin for making a comment to you about baby cancer! That is massive minimizing what you are going through. She is trivializing a very serious health issue you are dealing with. It is unfortunate that she feels the need to compare your issue with your dad’s, as if it is some kind of friggin’ competition to see who has it worse! If it were me, I would have to avoid talking to her for a good while. Then I would have to have a heart to heart talk with her and “mom, I love you, but it really hurt my feelings when you said I only had baby cancer, as if it was unimportant. It may not be important to you, but it very much is to me.” The sad fact is that too often, women are expected to quietly handle a health crisis. Your mom may be the type who thinks men are more important than women. I’m so sorry you don’t have her support.

Okay, it is not only the general public that make crass remarks. My former rheumatologist (who I had been seeing for years) when she learned my dx told me "I was lucky, because I had the "good" cancer" and then proceeded to tell me a horror story about a family member who died of BC. I was so shell-shocked I could not collect my thoughts to come back with a response, made a follow-up appointment to see her and then the day after called to cancel. I never saw her again and did send her a message as to how inappropriate her comment was because there is no such thing as a good "BC" or any cancer for that matter. Cancer is cancer but there are so many variants.

One incident stands out for me. Although I knew I was stage IV when I returned to work, I hadn’t told anyone, yet as I wanted to be able to speak with colleagues and answer questions face to face. Let me also say that at the first staff meeting I attended, my principal said something to the effect of , she’s done with treatment and it’s never coming back! Can’t fault her for wanting to be positive and I hadn’t told her about the mbc. Anyway, I told a colleague (sweet young woman, same age as my older dd) that I was stage IV . She flung her arms around me, laid her head on my shoulder and started to sob uncontrollably. I was momentarily surprised by her reaction but then did the only thing I could think of… I comforted her 🤷🏻‍♀️. Yes, it was very strange given that I was the one with mbc but I couldn’t fault her and although a bit awkward in its delivery, her emotions were an expression of caring.
Cancer, the word cancer, the thought of cancer and all its mysteries brings out the strangest reactions and ideas from people. Remember my father? He believed that my sister , who died from a uterine sarcoma, got cancer because she used the same office chair as a previous employee who also had cancer (but not in any way related to my sister’s!). There’s so much fear, as well as shame and guilt for some, with respect to cancer. There’s also a lot of misinformation and over generalizations which diminishes the complexity of cancer. We talk about it in whispers or we don’t talk about it at all. It’s no wonder that so many have no idea what to say to a cancer patient. As common as cancer is, there is still a stigma surrounding it. Now, throw in the word breast, another word that still makes people uncomfortable, and it’s amazing we don’t have even more questionable comments!

Had someone ask me just last week how long I would continue seeing the oncologist. I said probably the rest of my life. She thought "cured" after 5 years. I don't consider myself cured of bc until something else kills me. So many don't get that.

This month marks year 6 of being on anastrozole. I'm meeting a new MO later this summer. My old one retired. Hope I like her.

Happy anniversary . It is a big one as well. I know with my own parents my dad's parents never celebrated anything other than Christmas. They did not even do a birthday cake or anything. When they got married my dad thought she was strange when she wanted to something for his birthday.

For as much as the pinking of breast cancer has brought attention, and research dollars, to the disease, the unintended consequence is that many, too many, believe it’s no big deal. Fluffy pink boas, save the tatas, sequined bras, etc. have inadvertently trivialized and minimized the seriousness and deadliness (for far too many) of bc. When I was first dx’ed stage IV de novo, a few people were shocked and asked if I skipped my mammograms. Nope. They actually thought that if one just had an annual mammo, and early tx, it wasn’t a big deal and… no one dies from bc anymore unless you have neglected things somehow. I also had two pm’s, here on bco, asking me what I might have done “wrong” to be stage IV de novo (i.e. How can I avoid making the mistake you made?) While grateful for all the money this has brought to the bc arena, those unintended consequences are very real.
Although I would have been less than thrilled with your husband’s comment, it’s clear that there are sizable numbers of folks who have a deep misunderstanding about bc. Ah, the downside to pinkwashing.

@mommyof3 I am soooo sorry you have to endure this especially during your time of need. Is there someone you can stay with or could come and stay with you?

I know I had similar situation with my husband. During that time, I was going through a lot physically and mentally. There were times I was taken to the hospital and left by myself while he went to work. I had a near-death experience and he was not there. Another time, his friend (a female) was going through some physical health issues and he went to the hospital to be with her. I was like WTF!! I bottled it up and then finally it came to a boil…I went off. Everything that was bothering me and everything he had done came up. I told him that he is teetering the big D and if he wanted to continue to have a family, he needed to decide what was important to him. That was a little over 15 years ago and we are now going stronger than ever. We have been married for 25 1/2 years now. Hopefully it'll all work out for you two. But you need to let him know exactly how you feel.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this when you need support at home. Hopefully you can find some good support.

mommy, I'm so sorry and I'm glad you vented to him. I'm glad he's being more attentive now.

(((hugs)))

Carol

@m0mmyof3 I am so glad to see that you gave him that wake up call! I hope that he continues to give you the support you deserve.🤗

ctmbiskia I have to see mine all the time as well and get poked and prodded as well. Of course that fear never goes away as well. I have feeling this MO is going to retire as well. My original one did and now have had this one for a few years and think she is going to retire now as well. I hate changing MO as well. This one questioned how I was treated to start with and sounded like she would have been more aggressive to start with.

I’m sad to learn of the news about Shannen Dougherty, too. Even tho I never actually watched the tv shows she was in, I always knew of her star power. The article I read said she was diagnosed with bc in 2015 and with treatment went into remission, then in 2019 she learned the cancer had metastasized.

So ticked off! I want to smack the guy who moved our stuff from the old house to Wisconsin! Because of him and the way he packed the truck, hubby and I had to go back to get the stuff that wasn't put on the truck!