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Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute —

Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 08:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 12:42PM by Micmel

Micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 10, 2017 08:38AM Micmel wrote:

I have been speaking to many people everywhere I go about this, and I guess like everything, it's a split down the middle , some break apart and lay on the ground at just the thought of leaving their loved one behind, along with the the reality of them eventually finding someone else. Some were ok with them finding someone else to love, and that the overall consensus was for the ones that were ok with their partners finding someone else, was they didn't want their spouse to be alone... I have been thinking about this set of circumstances and how for me this topic is in fact harder for me, than the actual having of cancer itself. Harder than loosing my hair, harder than not ever knowing what happened to My breast and why it had to be taken from me and in such a harsh way? Left with a scar, and an abdomen that looks like a road map. Removing the one isolated liver tumor because I am "sooo" young. It's all a big blur, the chemo that would stop a train, and did. My toe nails that probably will never be the same. Have no clue what eye brows are anymore. But through all the fog, through all that horrible disfigurement,(because that's what it is) there HE was. Still the same, still tripping me as I walked by him on the way to bathroom, because He knows it has always made me crack up. Or the big huge pot of homemade chicken soup he makes for me because it's my favorite. He was still my sweet man. Never faltering for one second NEVER. He has been my rock, my soul, my breath for going on 15 blessed years, I want 40 more. I am more in love with him today, than I have ever known in my locked protected heart. I haven't had good men as examples in my life to compare or see in action, ofwhat a man should be. Took many failed, bad endings to find the one good, beautiful love, that I simply cannot Be without. I cannot control the sorrow I feel, I cannot look at every woman that walks by, and not think to my broken heart "will she be the one , when I am gone?" Not only Is my body broken. My entire person Is broken, I feel as if I have already died, but Am forced to wake up in this pit of despair as my eyes open and it crashes right back, like an ocean with seaweed left covering me in it's wake, so strong as it leaves me behind in my own personal island hell. ~M ~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 10, 2017 09:19AM goodprognosis wrote:

What a heartfelt post Micmel

Your pain and feelings of isolation come right through your post here and your recent one on Steam Room for anger.

Strangely , I have always felt like that too, seeing the pain of the world very keenly, right across the natural realm (including the human one).

You can become almost too sensitive. We need to guard ourselves in order to get through life, (not preaching to you) just saying what has often been said to me.

Don't go to the dark places, don't think too much!!!

If you do, this world will surely disappoint you.

I pray you find your peace and can stay with your wonderful DH for many, many, many years to come.

Hugs,

goodprognosis-- "only another winding will this stream make, then shall I come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean." K Gibran Dx 8/22/2012, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/24/2012 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 9/25/2012 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel Surgery 10/11/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 12/19/2012 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 1/1/2013
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Jul 10, 2017 01:15PM artistatheart wrote:

wow all of this is how my brain is working as well I have been married to the love of my life for 30 years. We have 3 wonderful kids in their 20,s. I always imagined I would at least make it to my 70's like the other women in my family, many in their 80's. I will likely be the youngest to die. I have so many mixed feelings about my husband. I get so sad and jealous about him moving on. I get worried like Divine that he is the type to get taken advantage of. I already see local divorcees sniffing the air so to speak. To imagine him kissing hugging and having fun with another has me twisting in the wind. Yet to imagine him alone, maybe drinking too much being sad is awful too. I worry that some woman will come with other grown kids who will rip off My too kind husband. Or alienating my kids. Taking what isn't theirs. Changing the will. I think of him married to another that pur shared friends just LOVE! I am afraid she will seem so fresh and lovely after all my illness. I am afraid I will slowly fade from memory i keep making photo albums for my family as well as individual journals And new art pieces but nothing right now eases my pain except to try and not dwell on i

Dx 7/22/2015, ILC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 8/10/2015 Femara (letrozole) Targeted Therapy 8/25/2015 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant)
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Jul 10, 2017 01:30PM Micmel wrote:

Good~ you hit the nail on the head, I have absolutely become toosensitive to the entire subject. No matter what I say or think, nothing helps. That is why I started this thread because I want to hear of everyone's love stories and precious family. I decided this is my journal place and all of my heart wrenching days will be here for me. If anyone has some they need to let out or share. I am right here to understand and yell with or cry with. I believe that what I experience is PTSD. And some days I am just lost. I see familiar faces, but they all look at me the same. Blank and scared. Often even looking to me to reassure them in some way. I feel like everything has been taken from me. I don't know why. I feel like I have nothing left, and cannot imagine this type of mental suffering for however long I have left. It's a deep seeded Terror we all have. Just my problem is I am facing it decades sooner than I ever ever imagined possible. My worst nightmare has arrived a year and a half ago and I am helpless to stop it. Slowly it kills me. Not only physically, but mentally, and devastatingly emotionally. I am helplessly left with little hope for the future. Just simply exsisting day to day. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 10, 2017 05:50PM Kandy wrote:

I so agree with y'all. This subject is one of the hardest things to work through. I met my DH when I was 14. We have been together every since. We are fixing to celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary. Boy does time fly by. It hurts terribly to think about him loving on another woman. What's worse, is I wonder if that happens if he will love her more. And wish he had met her years ago. Such a sad thought. But then again, like others, I don't want him sad and alone for the rest of his life. So torn with emotions. But, I really try not to think about it. When that time comes, I won't be here, so I won't be a part in the decision of what he will do. I do worry about someone marrying him for money. Also, how would someone treat DD3. I have told him that if he decides to remarry, which he says will never happen, that he is to have papers drawn up by a lawyer, that she can not get anything before the marriage occurred. I be dang if she reaps the benefits that I also contributed to. He keeps saying I have nothing to worry about, but as we all know time changes everything. I sure wish it was me that was growing old with him. All those dreams were shattered

Dx 1/20/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 4/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/25/2009 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary Chemotherapy 3/8/2009 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Gemzar (gemcitabine), Navelbine (vinorelbine) Radiation Therapy 10/6/2009 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 1/3/2010 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 10/31/2013, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 11/17/2013 3DCRT: Bone Hormonal Therapy 12/2/2013 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 10/7/2016 Afinitor (everolimus) Hormonal Therapy 10/31/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Chemotherapy 2/2/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 5/8/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin) Chemotherapy 8/14/2017 Halaven (eribulin) Targeted Therapy
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Jul 10, 2017 06:22PM Micmel wrote:

Kandy~ I agree with you completely. Sounds like a fairytale that you have with your DH. I feel the same way about mine I think about each and every Line of his face and smile, his crystal blue eyes looking at me. I also have my house that I have owned for 18 years that he became part owner of 12 years ago, I don't want someone else taking my equity earned. That is for my children and my DH only. I don't want someone near my bed. You brought up an excellent point that we'll be gone, and if that should happen. I really don't want to be of any conscious mindset, if I am. I know I will never Rest In Peace because I will always be searching for him...or a feeling of waiting. Never resting without him. I send you big hugs Kandy, thanks for sharing your love story, you've known him forever, been together what seems even longer! God bless you both ~M~

I also worry about my kids. Since they are step children I worry some woman would come in and push my Kids out, I know he says he wouldn't even want anyone ever again. Like you said time changes things.

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 11, 2017 01:58PM - edited Jul 11, 2017 02:01PM by Nan812

oh ladies.....what a difficult topic...my husband and i have been married for 27 years this august.....from the day we met we have been able to finish each others sentences....since we met i have felt like i have always known him (never even thought of reincarnation before we met) and i cant imagine a world without him....i dont want my husband lonely when im gone and for some reason i feel that he would only be by choice (i can see them lining up already, getting his number(for updates,right), taking him to dinner to take his mind off things...we always allowed each other any friend who is a friend....the first time one of his friends saw me without hair , she turned away sobbing almost like she had wished this on me then felt terrible for it.....in an odd way i feel sorry for anyone my husband ends with....they will always be in my shadow , im in that place in his heart that nothing can touch..not time, or hardship, or lose..I know this because he holds a place like that within me...if I lost him tomorrow nothing or no one could ever touch or change that place within me that he will always have.....if I reverse rolls with him now , this is what i see...no matter what i have left to experience nothing can ever touch the love i feel for him and i know he feels the same....remember with this person who is loving you thru this life there is more to our love than just our physical bodies or someone whould have left a long time ago, dont you think....my husband says he would never remarry and after children I see no reason to get tangled up in more legal papers and just because you have those papers it wont keep that person by your side if you get sick and need them even more , only LOVE can do that.....LOVE truuuuuu LOVE (princess bride lol)....so yes the ones that come after us will always live in the shadow of that special place inside each of us where we keep that which is too dear to share.....keep shining brightly from your special place....LOVE .....

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 11, 2017 02:08PM - edited Jul 11, 2017 02:12PM by Nan812

This Post was deleted by Nan812.
DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 11, 2017 02:31PM Micmel wrote:

Nan~absolutely beautiful! I am sitting here in tears reading this, because that is how I feel also, you are a beautiful woman. What a striking photo, I can feel the love from your words. That is exactly why I started this thread, I wanted a place where all of us ladies can claim our DH and tell the beautiful story behind it, because we all have a lovely one to tell. Yes it is an difficult subject, and yes every time I hear of a love like this my heart breaks and shatters because love is so obvious. Sodeep with that one who is truly your person, and your true love. You are so correct in saying, that they are with us through being sick and that does speak volumes. I loved your post! But then again I always enjoy all your posts. Your picture is truly beautiful and so are you and your husbands love story. Thank you for sharing. This thread is for our loves. Our men, our families. And our lives ! God bless you and your DH Nan. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 11, 2017 03:09PM Micmel wrote:

Artist~ I went back and read your post. The heart wrenching thought of all of what you had mentioned is something my heart twists and turns also about. Just looking at him, makes me cry. He's so wonderful. It sounds to me like you have also found your person, I hate the mere mention of divorcees sniffing around, I so much feel that way., it even happens when I wasn't sick, he works in a large school district and all the teachers are always flirting with him. He's never never even cared, we've always been so happy together. I have never for one second ever thought of anything except growing old together happily. I thought yeah. Here he is. The one I have searched for my whole life. Sounds like you have yours also. Thanks for sharing ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 11, 2017 03:42PM Bigbhome wrote:

Michel - I love this thread! Your love stories are so beautiful and so familiar. I was introduced to my Dh by mutual friends. We were both coming out of horrible relationships and not looking for another. That night we met we spent all night talking. We started dating and29 years later here we are still.

I too worried about other women, especially since he worked with several. I was shocked to see a couple actually making a play for him. He is so naive, he didn't realize until I pointed it out. Then he was horrified someone would do that while I am still here.

I have finally realized he has loved me and stood by me through all this. That says everything! I too don't want to see him alone, he is only 56years old, however I worry he will be taken advantage of, he had such a good heart. I do worry about strange women, but more than that I worry the biggest one who will try to take advantage will be his own mother. I have never met a more selfish woman, she even surpasses my mother in that dept. And that's saying something.

We both come from dysfunctional families and have always been each other family with our son. That is our family. I so worry about this that I have spoken to our ds about it. He says he won't let it happen.

Like Nan, I almost feel sorry for the next one. She will have huge shoes to try to fill. He is my heart and I am his. That will never change. I think that's how it is with your dh also.

All we can do is hope if they do meet someone that they will be a good person who will love him and care for him and help keep our ds, dil and grandsons close.

Sorry so long, but we are talking about my best friend and love.

Hugs and prayers

C

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Jul 11, 2017 05:27PM - edited Jul 11, 2017 05:28PM by Micmel

Bigbhome ~thank you for sharing. I believe the longer the posting, the more of the feelings you want to get out. I love that there are many many relationships that are happy and solid. I love seeing that side of this cancer thing, that is what I am choosing to focus on. That is the thing that will make me fight like crazy through this cancer. I know I won't be growing so old that I wont be able to see straight, which if I am Honest , I wouldn't want to be that old anyway. But I would have loved to be at least 80 with him. I wanted the chance to love this beautiful man that has been placed in the most special center of my very heart. If I look back on other relationships even my first marriage. There is nothing there for anything, other then my husband and I already knew in my heart even before I was sick. That nothing would ever be more important than this man that I love. If something were to happen to him, for me I knew in my deepest soul, there would be no other for me. I don't have any desire to even think about any of that. What I love is the history I have with him. Finishing each other's sentences like someone mentioned in this thread Nan I believe it was. To me that is what living is all about. Without love, there would only be sadness and meaness that is taking over the world. I refuse to give up one damn second with my sweet man. Thank you for the stories. Keep them coming. Oh how they make me smile. I always enjoyed telling my love story. I hope you all feel the same. Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 12, 2017 08:41AM - edited Jul 12, 2017 08:44AM by Micmel

Sometimes I just don't understand how something's work. Over the past six months or so my DH has had this pain in the top of his foot, now being the man that he is, he never wants to go to the doctors. I mean he will go, but just really is one of the busiest people that I have ever met. Some days it really bothers him, and others. It's not so bad. Last week, he finally went to see the doctor, first he had an X-ray, the X-ray showed a "growth", so now onto the MRI, which he had on Monday. The doctor didn't seem overally worried, but I hate any words like that. Especially when they are talking about the most important person in your life. Most likely it was injured, ligament, or small fracture that healed over wrong. But he comes to me And says,I am so sorry I never understood how it made you feel every single time you had to have and scan or test. That anything associated with the word growth would send you reeling. He said I feel sick just thinking about something I thought I was such an expert in. I am not. I am sorry. Just another reason I love this man with my entire soul and heart. Results tomorrow, but I think they would have called if something was wrong! But what a shit stew living life can be. It can be the most wonderful experience at times and then other it seems when you are on bended knee pleading for a break, a break in your body isn't really what you had in mind. Hugs to all ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 13, 2017 02:03PM Micmel wrote:

Living with cancer is such a roller coaster. Every emotion sends you in a different direction. One minute you say, I think I can do this, then the next, one mention of something , a song in a store, or a commercial where the continual theme is couples. A lot of times I change the channel. I wanted to travel with him to those blue island places, instead I am isolated in my own body. I wanted to hike and drive our endless road trips going down to anywhere and everywhere we could. Got our puppy together since we both knew we were done having children.... way done. So many plans. So much to do after the kids had moved out. The kids haven't moved out and I don't know If I'll see any of my kids marry, or ever have grandchildren to love and have them know me. Where do we go? Will I ever see my DH ever again? I need to go back to what used to be, I need to be who I once was. Not this stranger when I look in the mirror I don't recognize my own face. But he does. He does. He smiles and kisses my neck, takes me In his arms and tells me how beautiful I am. No matter what. He does those things for me. That I realize is real love. That is to be celebrated, but how does anyone celebrate anything after a cancer diagnosis? Even being in the moment brings me To my knees, because I immediately think of the time when I won't be having anything. No less feeling love,the love I feel for my DH and family. I want so much to be with my DH forever. If there is even such a thing. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 14, 2017 12:18AM Nan812 wrote:

M....there is such a thing as forever love....and i think you can feel deep inside that this is true....we search and search for it from the time we can remember liking in that loving way.....how could we not love forever if we are born with a need for a forever love...how do we all know instinctively that a true love is out there for us (even if we cant find it this time, we all know)...we all have baggage and bad habits so our loves may never be perfect but maybe we agreed to help each other thru our faults to become a better soul at the end then we'll laugh about how hard it was this time to make our souls just a lil more perfect and promise each other, that if we have to come back to try this again , that somehow we will find them and help each other out....i know i couldnt do this whole cancer thing without him, or so many of the other challenges life has thrown our way.....i know our souls promised to somehow find each other or i could not have accepted this lifes challenges...i believe its not just our partners either, i have connected so deeply with others that for me nothing else(but always knowing their soul) makes sense to me.....my close friends feel this way when we get to talking bout "just how did we become such close friends,we dont even have that much in common" maybe thats still the point, to learn new things from souls we trust on some deep level..... . shine bright my dears.....

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 14, 2017 01:12AM Nan812 wrote:

I just wanted to add that I'm not so young and pretty as my first pic on here... that was about 30 years ago...total 80s hair lmao .......so here is one about a year before I lost my hair

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 14, 2017 07:29AM - edited Jul 14, 2017 12:34PM by Micmel

Nan~ I am sitting here in tears. God bless you beautiful woman. You're beautiful hair and smile and looking so content and happy. Is that your love next to you? I loved what you posted. I am struggling. I am so riddled with sadness and fatigue. If you aren't from BCO or someone I am very close to. I don't even bother. I don't want To talk to anyone who isn't sick and won't ask me that, when are you done treatment? Um never. My DH is the blood that runs through my veins. And on some level I do know that love will outlast anything, I just am so scared when I am forced to leave that I will be in heaven waiting for him and that he should find someone else during that waiting. (And why shouldn't he if I'm honest. He's utterly amazing) am I going to be waiting for nothing? Will he be waiting for me too ? I just don't reconcile this in my heart or brain. I will never give up fighting. I will never not keep fighting to love him and remain here. My kids and loving them is part of this as well. It's grueling to imagine them not having their mother at least until they are older, and I have my gray hair and am walking next to my DH leading to the porch to our chairs. That's all I have ever thought of. Since the day I met him. My future was there. Crystal clear. In front of me. I had no doubts I was only positive. For the first time in my life I wasn't afraid of anything. I knew I had my partner in life and I could get through anything. Then this happens. I bet you are still just as gorgeous as you were 30 years ago, you have a way about you in your postings of someone, like I have known all my life already. The kindness and the joking funny tones to what you write. You help me though my day. I always smile when I read your words. Thank you my friend. It's almost like we are having coffee together ! Thank you for sharing your sweet thoughts with me I had to create someplace to talk about our hearts desire!! Big hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 14, 2017 09:05AM Beatmon wrote:

I've read all of your lovely posts with tears in my eyes.

I want my husband to find soneone to share life after I am gone. But of course I wish I could pick that person.

I want him to have someone that can look after him if need be and be a partner in the final quarter of life. He deserves fun with someone after I am gone. He is 70. Hopefully number 2 will not have any type of cancer.

And of course, I wouldn't be happy if he went around telling people he had his soul mate like my uncle did! I'm not sure how my adult children would feel about him remarrying.My dad was lost when my mom died and never remarried and was very lonely. My husbands dad died of pancreatic cancer....his mom is 94 and never considered even a date. My mets are stable right now, but we all know how quickly that can change.

I'm actually more sad thinking about not being around for my children...no grandkids yet and I hate to think of not being here to help, love and support them as they have families. I had wonderful parents and still miss them even though they have been gone for years.

I really want to pick my cousin for him....lol! Not sure either of them would ever consider that....

Dx 7/27/2012, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Surgery 8/9/2012 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right Surgery 12/1/2013 Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery 7/1/2014 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 8/9/2014, IDC, Both breasts, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 8/27/2014 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 8/27/2014 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 8/27/2014 Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Jul 14, 2017 09:49AM illimae wrote:

Beatmom, lol! That you have your cousin all picked out for him. I don't want my husband to be sad or lonely either. I told him the weekend I was diagnosed that he could get remarried (my mind was everywhere) but he said no, you only do that once. Whatever he does, I hope he's happy.

Diagnosed at 41 Stage IV De Novo Dx 11/16/2016, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+ (IHC) Chemotherapy 1/1/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Surgery 6/26/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Radiation Therapy 8/10/2017 Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 10/5/2017, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+, HER2+ (IHC) Radiation Therapy 10/19/2017 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 4/18/2018 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 5/22/2019 External: Brain Surgery 1/21/2020 Radiation Therapy 2/16/2020 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 7/20/2020 External: Bone Radiation Therapy 12/4/2020 External: Brain Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Targeted Therapy Tukysa (tucatinib) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine)
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Jul 14, 2017 10:08AM - edited Jul 14, 2017 10:22AM by Micmel

It is such a hard subject. We give our hearts so carefully. I don't think of him like a possession or anything. But I feel like we belong to each other. He says the same thing Mae, about just taking care of the grandkids and being with our children. (My two and his one). He's known my kids since they have been 7 and 8 years old. They are now 21 and 20. His son was 3 when I first held him in my arms. He is Now almost 17. We waited a few years to even introduce the kids together. Just wanted to be sure. We were sure. It worked beautifully and still does. Those kids are family. Brother and sister. Through and through. So sweet to watch them together.

Beatmom~I am torn, so torn about others near him. He's so particular. He's says to me. Baby it took me 38 years to find you, no one else ever understood me. No one else ever got me. I don't think I want to find anyone else, because. I have had it all. Once you have had the best. How can anyone ever settle? He said he would fish. And buy His boat that he wants. And keep our second home here that I live in during the week when he's gone working all week. He wants to keep it because he believes that's where I will be with him. It breaks me in two. I wanted to ride that boat. That's MY husband. I searched my first part of being an adult for him. I need him to be whole. When I found him I foundmyself. I would rather know nothing about what happens when I am gone. Or I'll never ever Rest In Peace. Hugs to you sweet ladies. ~M~

Mae~ how can you say that and be so strong ? I envy that strength! I want to feel like that. Ugh!! Kicks feet around on dirt on the ground 😕😕.

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 14, 2017 10:59AM - edited Jan 26, 2018 03:35PM by 50sgirl

This Post was deleted by 50sgirl.
Dx 6/5/2015, ILC/IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Hormonal Therapy 6/10/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 8/9/2016, ILC/IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 8/10/2016 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 8/31/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy 7/3/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy 10/2/2018 Xeloda (capecitabine) Chemotherapy 2/11/2019 Taxol (paclitaxel) Hormonal Therapy 11/12/2019 Aromasin (exemestane) Targeted Therapy 11/13/2019 Afinitor (everolimus) Hormonal Therapy 12/27/2019 Femara (letrozole) Chemotherapy 3/8/2020 Adriamycin (doxorubicin) Targeted Therapy 2/6/2021 Verzenio Chemotherapy 4/12/2021 Halaven (eribulin) Chemotherapy 10/2/2021 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Methotrexate (Amethopterin, Mexate, Folex)
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Jul 14, 2017 11:31AM - edited Jul 14, 2017 11:47AM by Micmel

Lynne~ wow! I have tears streaming down my face, that is a beautiful and tragic story, I don't even really have words to say how lovely reading that was for me. It makes me realize that there are such good love stories out there, that need to be told and put in a place for it to be forever here. Even if we aren't anymore. I agree I'm aiming for the 20 years. I pray everyday that we all see it. I honestly do. You ladies have become an extended family and I wanted to know all the happiness and support Around you all, because love a lot of the time is what gets us through everyday. I know for me it truly is. My DH is such a beautiful creature both Inside and out, I have never loved another, so now, I think it would seem.I love that you support each other and love unconditionally, that is what good things are made of. I know I feel like sometimes when I am here on these boards sometimes. It's always talking about side effects and scan anxiety and worries. I wanted there to be a place for us to tell funny stories about our loves, our families, our lives, outside of this dreadful, clear, bee inside a jar life we've been sucked into. Here I want us to laugh about funny things they do to us,or the romantic things they do for us. Our kids funny stories. Or just plain not the medications or illness results. I hate them!!! But love all you guys and want us to feel like here. We are sitting around a large table together having coffee or wine or whatever our hearts desire. Because we deserve it. Hugs Lynne. And thank you. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 14, 2017 08:35PM - edited Jul 14, 2017 09:01PM by Nan812

wow...with all the fighting yelling and horrible divorces' there are, it is absolutely wonderful to hear about these love stories that will outlast all of us....please dont let me be the only one to post a pic,(DH and me 30 years apart, no more 80s hair) i would love to see all your yesterday and today pics (i just snapped a pic of the pic with my iphone to post it)...got the idea to post it from when lita posted that old pic of her and her love (just warms your heart)....

my biggest worry is that something that happened to my dad would happen to my DH...my mom passed from BC at the age of 48, they met here in the USA but are both right off the boat from germany....my dad had quadruple bypass surgery the year my mom passed(dad age 49) his heart actually broke...well he met who we thought was a nice german lady who took good care of him for 14 years until my dad had a massive stroke at age 60...after it was determined that he would regain nothing (like a closed head injury with 1/2 your body paralized) and he would need 24 hour care forever, she wrote him a dear john letter saying "we each need to get on with our lives"....CAN YOU IMAGINE!!!....he took such good care of her, he took her around the world, and she wrote him a note that he could barley read....to have your heart broken like that was worse than if he had been alone all that time...im sure some ladies/guys on here have gone thru that kind of pain with their cancer dx but they probably arent reading this thread...the crazy thing was i never asked her for any help caring for him, she never spent one night to help out nor was she asked to....she begged him and begged him for an engagement ring, he dropped $3,500.00 on one 2 weeks before his stroke and she never put it back on...what she did to him when he needed her the most still breaks my heart, and i could still go on and on about it.

I'm sorry that wasnt a happy story but never take your love for granted....tell them every day how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate their love and friendship....that is what i fear for my husband, to be left alone when he thought he had a friend he could count on....i would definitely haunt that bitch then..lol

please post those pics....lets see how true love grows

p.s. mic, lets meet up in heaven and haunt any snakes going after our hubbies (that would be a fun way to spend our waiting time, and shine our love on our sisters still battling this disease) we can look after our babies and their babies too till we meet again......p.s.s..how is hubbys' foot?...

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 14, 2017 09:13PM Nan812 wrote:

lynne, im so happy that you two have each other....there are some things just to hard to do alone.....imho cancer is one of them, even tho i will only let a few in like DH, DD, and all my cyber soulmates just from BC.org...i agree with micmel in that no one else truly understands....why is it that with all the "others" you end up comforting them instead of the other way around....cancer is such a lonely disease....I'm gonna haunt everyone and really scare the shiit out of a few ...LMAO

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 14, 2017 09:30PM Bigbhome wrote:

Nan - LMAO at that vision!! I am so on-board with that! Poor women don't stand a chance! First we loved them well and then we haunt any future potentials, while keeping our hands firmly on their shoulders.

That's what I see. As sure as I'm sitting here, I know my father put his hand on my shoulder on a very dark day. That is what I will do for dh.

Hugs and prayers

Claudia



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Jul 14, 2017 10:26PM illimae wrote:

Nan, here you go.... We haven't taken a photo together in a while but on the left is us in 1999 and on the right are from this year. We still have fun despite cancer, we recently got busted playing doctor with the medical equipment on the wall when the oncologist walked in, I was looking in his ear, it was awkward but we just laughed.


Diagnosed at 41 Stage IV De Novo Dx 11/16/2016, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+ (IHC) Chemotherapy 1/1/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Surgery 6/26/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Radiation Therapy 8/10/2017 Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 10/5/2017, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+, HER2+ (IHC) Radiation Therapy 10/19/2017 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 4/18/2018 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 5/22/2019 External: Brain Surgery 1/21/2020 Radiation Therapy 2/16/2020 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 7/20/2020 External: Bone Radiation Therapy 12/4/2020 External: Brain Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Targeted Therapy Tukysa (tucatinib) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine)
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Jul 14, 2017 10:33PM - edited Jul 14, 2017 10:46PM by Micmel

You ladies are a trip!! I actually did lmao and I haven't done that for a long time without my DH being the cause of it. Nan we certainly will be friends in heaven as we are right here honey! I'll dig out some pics. I don't have any on his phone because DH got me a new phone for xmas, iPhone 6+ which I wanted so badly. He bought it for me xmas eve. Which is his birthday. He's so thoughtful and romantic. Words cannot express. He got the results back and his foot has some ligament issues. Thank god that is all it was. He said he needed to be ok, to take care of me. He just kissed my forehead and went upstairs to our bedroom. I will sleep down here tonight, because of my lymphedema Is pissing me off so I need the good old hospital bed. Another parting gift from Mr cancer himself. I am also way in on the haunting, lmao. I mean that is classic! I am up for some haunting. Thank you Nan for asking about his foot. That is very kind. I would like nothing more than for us to someday, somehow be able to tell each other in person how many days you have helped, what otherwise would have been a mental breakdown day. There is so much love on this thread and I hope everyone will keep sharing their stories and love. My DS has a nickname for me and it is Pretty Face. He has called me that since he was like three. Today he came home from work, and said Hi Prettyface can I have a hug. This is a 20 year old young teddy bear of a man. Warmed my soul. Made me smile. I love my family. I love my DH. I love you guys too. Good night ! Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 14, 2017 10:41PM Micmel wrote:

Mae~ I love it!!! Beautiful lady and your handsome Love of your life. I am so enjoying seeing this part of you all and knowing the things that make your souls shine. Like my sweet man does. He is the air that I breathe. I absolutely love how you also rock hats!! I miss doing fun things like that. I never have the energy anymore. But I am really working on it, Ritilan helps some days. You ladies are a lot of fun. Huge group hug! Wish we could all throw away our cancer in some garbage bin outside a local pub and all bring our loves and sit together and just be friends! No problems, no worries, just laughter and good company. That is my prayer. To go to sleep on tonight. Thank you ladies for making this thread worth starting. 💜 You all! ~M ~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 15, 2017 08:56PM Nan812 wrote:

illimae....for a minute i thought you wrote obstetrician (dont ask me why)....and you got caught playing .....lmao, im still giggling ....i need my old lady glasses ;)

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 16, 2017 09:06AM JFL wrote:

The idea of women trying to angle for someone's DH while she is still here is just shameful! Some people have no shame.

I would want DH to find someone else so as not to be alone (so it isn't as if I fully ruined his life). I have a young child (2.5 years) which is the hardest part. I hate the thought of missing all the milestones. I am not even sure I will make it to a point where he would be old enough to remember me. He is deeply attached to me and we have so much fun together. So sad he may remember none of it. I would like my son to have a mother figure when I am gone. My only request for DH would be he finds someone who loves my son and would be a good "mother" to him.

I don't so much worry about someone else having a better connection than we had. No one can take away the experiences we have had so far. Each relationship is different. Sure, there could be things about the next woman that he likes better but it is so difficult to find someone you truly connect with and can create a life together with for years and years. I don't see anyone erasing that special bond. We have been married nearly 9 years.

I have a friend who married a man after his wife passed of cancer. She has always felt like she can't compare to his first wife and that he will never love her as much as the first wife. There were many years in the beginning where he resisted getting married because he was not over wife's passing/not ready to get remarried.I suspect that type of scenario is more likely than a new person coming in and the prior wife simply forgotten.

Chart your own course. Dx at 30. Dx with mets at 38 while pregnant - extensive liver & bone involvement. Currently on Enhertu & XGeva. ER+/PR+, HER2-low (IHC equivocal, +2/FISH negative). Y90 liver radioembolization in 2018. Dx 9/2006, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 9/22/2006 Mastectomy: Left, Right Chemotherapy 11/6/2006 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 3/15/2007 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Dx 12/2014, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, Grade 3, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/26/2014 Prophylactic ovary removal Hormonal Therapy 12/26/2014 Aromasin (exemestane), Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 6/18/2015 Ibrance (palbociclib) Chemotherapy 3/10/2016 Xeloda (capecitabine) Hormonal Therapy 5/14/2017 Aromasin (exemestane) Targeted Therapy 5/14/2017 Afinitor (everolimus) Chemotherapy 8/18/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 3/23/2018 Doxil (doxorubicin) Chemotherapy 4/26/2019 Navelbine (vinorelbine) Hormonal Therapy 4/26/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy 11/27/2019 Gemzar (gemcitabine) Hormonal Therapy 8/25/2020 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 8/25/2020 Piqray (alpelisib) Targeted Therapy 10/2/2020 Enhertu (fam-trastuzumab deruxtecan-nxki)

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