Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
Log in to post a reply

Page 2 of 2,749 (27,487 results)

Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 06:31AM - edited Jul 7, 2017 06:32AM by Freya

"I still get jealous of old couples though. I want that so much."

OH me too. I want to be 80 or more and strolling down the street holding hands. Mind you at this stage, getting to 60 would be wonderful (7 years away).

Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 06:56AM micmel wrote:

I can't even handle watching the damn commercials that always are couples themed. The sandals commercials where the water is so blue you gasp, or the hikes in the mountains, where you stop to take in the sights and look over at your person. And smile, lost in that moment. Like WTF???? I found him, and we fell in love. I don't want that to change. I want to love him forever and I want to run on the beach with him and feel that happiness and laughter as we get along wonderfully like we always have and do. Nothing gets to us. Nothing. We are strong and I mean strong. We have had both families coming at us during our divorces at the same time. We were both going through an awful divorce and found each other. Here we are going on year 15. And we never looked back. He is everything I could imagine as that young girl wondering about her prince coming to save her. Well that really happened with me. He did save me. Literally. I come from a crappie family and they are basically non existent, so I made my own family. Now look? Idiot x husband who lives in mommys basement, and still pays me child support for a 21 and 20 year old 🤢🤢. I know it's that bad. Then I find an actual man who for the first time does what he says he will do, and loves me unconditionally? I am Forced with loosing? We all hope we are that one or one hundred that ibrance stretches over the projected medium. But I just can't imagine this has happened. Thank you all for sharing. Sometimes putting it out there for my eyes to see helps me process. Everyone loves , everyone matters, I want everyone to share here their fears or triumphs in relationships and families. Because sometimes it's damn hard. Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 07:25AM divinemrsm wrote:

For me, I choose not to dwell on the possibilities that may occur after I am gone. I have told dh it is okay to find someone new, but don't go around bragging about having lots of sex. Because several older men in our small town have done that after their wives passed and they got a girlfriend, and a bunch of us women were like, "Eww...." And I even suspect dh will go looking for sympathy sex, you know, "poor me, my wife died." Its not above him. I told him I don't want some woman taking his money, and said if that happens, I will come back to haunt him. I want my son to inherit what was ours. Dh doesnt understand that a woman might see he has a good pension and a house and latch on to him. Men can be clueless at times.

Rather than picture someone else in my place, tho, I get busy doing things with dh and we have had many, many, many good times and done all kinds of wonderful things since mbc, not because of mbc but in spite of it. I am not going to give mbc the satisfaction of robbing me of my life before it is time to go. I stay as present minded as I can, something I have gotten better at these past few years.


found lump 12-22-10—ilc—er+/pr+/her2—stage iv bone mets—chemo~lumpectomy~radiation~arimidex—March 2019-ibrance/aromasin* —Sept 2019-verzenio* —March 2020-xeloda*
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 07:37AM exbrnxgrl wrote:

mcmel,

Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly. I haven't had the luck to find that kind of love and it's doubtful that I ever will, but I do have lots of love and happiness in my life. Your feelings are completely normal and recognizing that is a good thing. Have you had any counseling? One thing that seems important, to me, is dealing with those feelings but then learning how to enjoy life despite bc. I just hit the 6 year mark and am as happy and fulfilled as anyone with stage IV can be. I did not know I would live 6 years beyond my dx and have no idea how much longer I've got but am so glad I let go of what I couldn't control and chose to seek happiness (even if it was not what I imagined my life would be like). Antidepressants and the occasional Ativan help too!

Dx IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2-
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 07:52AM Freya wrote:

Micmel, I know it's easier said than done, but I would concentrate on doing all those things you want to do together, make as many memories as possible. Enjoy the moment. There is plenty of time to worry about stuff when/if it happens.

So go run on the beach, dance by moonlight, and give an extra hug and kiss every day for no reason.


Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 08:02AM micmel wrote:

Thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart. I thought this thread may help not only myself, but anyone else who has those fears and worries or just want to let it all out when someone who is in your life pisses you off, upsets you or even thrills you to no end. I wanted to share the sweet things as well, and hearing each and everyone of your thoughts matter to me because, you all understand. I think the only way to find unconditional understanding is a place where each and everyday we are faced with maybe a new thought or emotion. That's how it has been for me. Without this place in life, I would feel as if I was waiting for a ride to begin, and it doesn't ever begin because, I am the only One holding a ticket to this specific ride. But you ladies understand. I have been to counseling. I truly believe something this deep and heartbreaking has to be gone through in real time, I can't sit in front of someone and just feel better. I need to learn from people who are walking along with me. Make sense? ~M~

Thank you again ladies.

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 08:32AM Freya wrote:

Micmel, It is truly amazing in some ways how our minds work. It takes us to dark places so we get a glimpse, and then we can work through that and hopefully find some peace or come to terms with it. You are right, we do need to work though these things. The time to be concerned for our mental health is if we get stuck in these dark places and can't find a way out.

It is hard watching someone go through so much pain, your posts were so raw and heartfelt. The first instinct is to want to take away the pain and make someone feel better. That can come across as cheap platitudes, not what was intended at all. Emotions, they are such a minefield. I never know what to say, other people on here are so much better at it. In life, I hug a lot and don't say too much :)

Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 08:41AM micmel wrote:

Freya~ I thank you for the kind words. I enjoy reading people's thoughts. It helps me with my thought process. I don't think I'll ever be ok with not being with my DH, and I don't even know if I would everrest in peace without him. Part of the torture is the unknowns. But if I am honest everyone lives with unknowns.....sick or not! I think you're pretty good at conveying your thoughts!! ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 09:03AM keetmom wrote:

I go through the same thing, I dwell on it. But our youngest two are special needs and at least one of them will be in the house forever, so inorder for anyone to step in they would have to want to take on that. I also worry about if that person will be good to them, I hear so many evil step mother stories. Our household is tough to run and I really worry how he will do it on his own, I don't work and just taking care of stuff is a full time job. SO it would need to be someone really special to step in here...not sure how he would find time to date anyway with these two,,,
Yes I don't need it to be a shrine to me here, but I don't want to be forgotten. It is tough to think I will not be growing old with him and someone else being there..
It is good to know we aren't alone in these fears.

Dx 10/2012, DCIS, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/8/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Dx 11/16/2012, IDC, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/16/2012, IDC, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 11/25/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/25/2013 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Surgery 4/25/2013 Prophylactic ovary removal Hormonal Therapy 5/21/2013 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 9/2015, Stage IV Chemotherapy 6/14/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel) Dx 3/2018, Stage IV, metastasized to brain Radiation Therapy 3/4/2018 Chemotherapy 3/21/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Gemzar (gemcitabine) Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Hormonal Therapy Aromasin (exemestane) Targeted Therapy Afinitor (everolimus) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine) Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy External: Brain
Log in to post a reply

Jul 7, 2017 09:26AM - edited Jul 7, 2017 10:46AM by micmel

Keet~ I can understand the kids dynamic, mine are older but they look at him as their father. I get worried that whoever he ends up with would isolate my children. I don't want them alone in this shitty world because somehow it was decided I would die way earlier than one would ever expect? Grrrrr. And you're precious children same thing. Makes me so mad. Thank you for sharing that with us, that is a very deep issue! Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

Page 2 of 2,749 (27,487 results)

Scroll to top button