Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 11, 2017 12:42PM bigbhome wrote:

Michel - I love this thread! Your love stories are so beautiful and so familiar. I was introduced to my Dh by mutual friends. We were both coming out of horrible relationships and not looking for another. That night we met we spent all night talking. We started dating and29 years later here we are still.

I too worried about other women, especially since he worked with several. I was shocked to see a couple actually making a play for him. He is so naive, he didn't realize until I pointed it out. Then he was horrified someone would do that while I am still here.

I have finally realized he has loved me and stood by me through all this. That says everything! I too don't want to see him alone, he is only 56years old, however I worry he will be taken advantage of, he had such a good heart. I do worry about strange women, but more than that I worry the biggest one who will try to take advantage will be his own mother. I have never met a more selfish woman, she even surpasses my mother in that dept. And that's saying something.

We both come from dysfunctional families and have always been each other family with our son. That is our family. I so worry about this that I have spoken to our ds about it. He says he won't let it happen.

Like Nan, I almost feel sorry for the next one. She will have huge shoes to try to fill. He is my heart and I am his. That will never change. I think that's how it is with your dh also.

All we can do is hope if they do meet someone that they will be a good person who will love him and care for him and help keep our ds, dil and grandsons close.

Sorry so long, but we are talking about my best friend and love.

Hugs and prayers

C

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Jul 11, 2017 02:27PM - edited Jul 11, 2017 02:28PM by micmel

Bigbhome ~thank you for sharing. I believe the longer the posting, the more of the feelings you want to get out. I love that there are many many relationships that are happy and solid. I love seeing that side of this cancer thing, that is what I am choosing to focus on. That is the thing that will make me fight like crazy through this cancer. I know I won't be growing so old that I wont be able to see straight, which if I am Honest , I wouldn't want to be that old anyway. But I would have loved to be at least 80 with him. I wanted the chance to love this beautiful man that has been placed in the most special center of my very heart. If I look back on other relationships even my first marriage. There is nothing there for anything, other then my husband and I already knew in my heart even before I was sick. That nothing would ever be more important than this man that I love. If something were to happen to him, for me I knew in my deepest soul, there would be no other for me. I don't have any desire to even think about any of that. What I love is the history I have with him. Finishing each other's sentences like someone mentioned in this thread Nan I believe it was. To me that is what living is all about. Without love, there would only be sadness and meaness that is taking over the world. I refuse to give up one damn second with my sweet man. Thank you for the stories. Keep them coming. Oh how they make me smile. I always enjoyed telling my love story. I hope you all feel the same. Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 12, 2017 05:41AM - edited Jul 12, 2017 05:44AM by micmel

Sometimes I just don't understand how something's work. Over the past six months or so my DH has had this pain in the top of his foot, now being the man that he is, he never wants to go to the doctors. I mean he will go, but just really is one of the busiest people that I have ever met. Some days it really bothers him, and others. It's not so bad. Last week, he finally went to see the doctor, first he had an X-ray, the X-ray showed a "growth", so now onto the MRI, which he had on Monday. The doctor didn't seem overally worried, but I hate any words like that. Especially when they are talking about the most important person in your life. Most likely it was injured, ligament, or small fracture that healed over wrong. But he comes to me And says,I am so sorry I never understood how it made you feel every single time you had to have and scan or test. That anything associated with the word growth would send you reeling. He said I feel sick just thinking about something I thought I was such an expert in. I am not. I am sorry. Just another reason I love this man with my entire soul and heart. Results tomorrow, but I think they would have called if something was wrong! But what a shit stew living life can be. It can be the most wonderful experience at times and then other it seems when you are on bended knee pleading for a break, a break in your body isn't really what you had in mind. Hugs to all ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 13, 2017 11:03AM micmel wrote:

Living with cancer is such a roller coaster. Every emotion sends you in a different direction. One minute you say, I think I can do this, then the next, one mention of something , a song in a store, or a commercial where the continual theme is couples. A lot of times I change the channel. I wanted to travel with him to those blue island places, instead I am isolated in my own body. I wanted to hike and drive our endless road trips going down to anywhere and everywhere we could. Got our puppy together since we both knew we were done having children.... way done. So many plans. So much to do after the kids had moved out. The kids haven't moved out and I don't know If I'll see any of my kids marry, or ever have grandchildren to love and have them know me. Where do we go? Will I ever see my DH ever again? I need to go back to what used to be, I need to be who I once was. Not this stranger when I look in the mirror I don't recognize my own face. But he does. He does. He smiles and kisses my neck, takes me In his arms and tells me how beautiful I am. No matter what. He does those things for me. That I realize is real love. That is to be celebrated, but how does anyone celebrate anything after a cancer diagnosis? Even being in the moment brings me To my knees, because I immediately think of the time when I won't be having anything. No less feeling love,the love I feel for my DH and family. I want so much to be with my DH forever. If there is even such a thing. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 13, 2017 09:18PM Nan812 wrote:

M....there is such a thing as forever love....and i think you can feel deep inside that this is true....we search and search for it from the time we can remember liking in that loving way.....how could we not love forever if we are born with a need for a forever love...how do we all know instinctively that a true love is out there for us (even if we cant find it this time, we all know)...we all have baggage and bad habits so our loves may never be perfect but maybe we agreed to help each other thru our faults to become a better soul at the end then we'll laugh about how hard it was this time to make our souls just a lil more perfect and promise each other, that if we have to come back to try this again , that somehow we will find them and help each other out....i know i couldnt do this whole cancer thing without him, or so many of the other challenges life has thrown our way.....i know our souls promised to somehow find each other or i could not have accepted this lifes challenges...i believe its not just our partners either, i have connected so deeply with others that for me nothing else(but always knowing their soul) makes sense to me.....my close friends feel this way when we get to talking bout "just how did we become such close friends,we dont even have that much in common" maybe thats still the point, to learn new things from souls we trust on some deep level..... . shine bright my dears.....

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 13, 2017 10:12PM Nan812 wrote:

I just wanted to add that I'm not so young and pretty as my first pic on here... that was about 30 years ago...total 80s hair lmao .......so here is one about a year before I lost my hair

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 14, 2017 04:29AM - edited Jul 14, 2017 09:34AM by micmel

Nan~ I am sitting here in tears. God bless you beautiful woman. You're beautiful hair and smile and looking so content and happy. Is that your love next to you? I loved what you posted. I am struggling. I am so riddled with sadness and fatigue. If you aren't from BCO or someone I am very close to. I don't even bother. I don't want To talk to anyone who isn't sick and won't ask me that, when are you done treatment? Um never. My DH is the blood that runs through my veins. And on some level I do know that love will outlast anything, I just am so scared when I am forced to leave that I will be in heaven waiting for him and that he should find someone else during that waiting. (And why shouldn't he if I'm honest. He's utterly amazing) am I going to be waiting for nothing? Will he be waiting for me too ? I just don't reconcile this in my heart or brain. I will never give up fighting. I will never not keep fighting to love him and remain here. My kids and loving them is part of this as well. It's grueling to imagine them not having their mother at least until they are older, and I have my gray hair and am walking next to my DH leading to the porch to our chairs. That's all I have ever thought of. Since the day I met him. My future was there. Crystal clear. In front of me. I had no doubts I was only positive. For the first time in my life I wasn't afraid of anything. I knew I had my partner in life and I could get through anything. Then this happens. I bet you are still just as gorgeous as you were 30 years ago, you have a way about you in your postings of someone, like I have known all my life already. The kindness and the joking funny tones to what you write. You help me though my day. I always smile when I read your words. Thank you my friend. It's almost like we are having coffee together ! Thank you for sharing your sweet thoughts with me I had to create someplace to talk about our hearts desire!! Big hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 14, 2017 06:05AM Beatmon wrote:

I've read all of your lovely posts with tears in my eyes.

I want my husband to find soneone to share life after I am gone. But of course I wish I could pick that person.

I want him to have someone that can look after him if need be and be a partner in the final quarter of life. He deserves fun with someone after I am gone. He is 70. Hopefully number 2 will not have any type of cancer.

And of course, I wouldn't be happy if he went around telling people he had his soul mate like my uncle did! I'm not sure how my adult children would feel about him remarrying.My dad was lost when my mom died and never remarried and was very lonely. My husbands dad died of pancreatic cancer....his mom is 94 and never considered even a date. My mets are stable right now, but we all know how quickly that can change.

I'm actually more sad thinking about not being around for my children...no grandkids yet and I hate to think of not being here to help, love and support them as they have families. I had wonderful parents and still miss them even though they have been gone for years.

I really want to pick my cousin for him....lol! Not sure either of them would ever consider that....

Dx 7/27/2012, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Surgery 8/8/2012 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right Surgery 11/30/2013 Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery 6/30/2014 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 8/9/2014, IDC, Both breasts, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 8/26/2014 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 8/26/2014 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 8/26/2014 Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Jul 14, 2017 06:49AM illimae wrote:

Beatmom, lol! That you have your cousin all picked out for him. I don't want my husband to be sad or lonely either. I told him the weekend I was diagnosed that he could get remarried (my mind was everywhere) but he said no, you only do that once. Whatever he does, I hope he's happy.

Diagnosed at 41 Stage IV De Novo Dx 11/16/2016, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+ Chemotherapy 1/1/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Surgery 6/26/2017 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 8/10/2017 Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 10/5/2017, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+, HER2+ Radiation Therapy 10/19/2017 External Local Metastases 10/19/2017 Brain Radiation Therapy 4/18/2018 External Local Metastases 4/18/2018 Brain Radiation Therapy 5/22/2019 External Local Metastases 5/22/2019 Brain Surgery 1/21/2020 Radiation Therapy 2/16/2020 External Local Metastases 2/16/2020 Brain Radiation Therapy 7/20/2020 External Local Metastases 7/20/2020 Radiation therapy: Bone Radiation Therapy 12/4/2020 External Local Metastases 12/4/2020 Brain Targeted Therapy Tukysa (tucatinib) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Jul 14, 2017 07:08AM - edited Jul 14, 2017 07:22AM by micmel

It is such a hard subject. We give our hearts so carefully. I don't think of him like a possession or anything. But I feel like we belong to each other. He says the same thing Mae, about just taking care of the grandkids and being with our children. (My two and his one). He's known my kids since they have been 7 and 8 years old. They are now 21 and 20. His son was 3 when I first held him in my arms. He is Now almost 17. We waited a few years to even introduce the kids together. Just wanted to be sure. We were sure. It worked beautifully and still does. Those kids are family. Brother and sister. Through and through. So sweet to watch them together.

Beatmom~I am torn, so torn about others near him. He's so particular. He's says to me. Baby it took me 38 years to find you, no one else ever understood me. No one else ever got me. I don't think I want to find anyone else, because. I have had it all. Once you have had the best. How can anyone ever settle? He said he would fish. And buy His boat that he wants. And keep our second home here that I live in during the week when he's gone working all week. He wants to keep it because he believes that's where I will be with him. It breaks me in two. I wanted to ride that boat. That's MY husband. I searched my first part of being an adult for him. I need him to be whole. When I found him I foundmyself. I would rather know nothing about what happens when I am gone. Or I'll never ever Rest In Peace. Hugs to you sweet ladies. ~M~

Mae~ how can you say that and be so strong ? I envy that strength! I want to feel like that. Ugh!! Kicks feet around on dirt on the ground 😕😕.

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

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