Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 08:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 12:42PM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 08:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 12:42PM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 8, 2019 07:45PM illimae wrote:

Hi all! Mae checking in from Boca Raton. The weather is great but the ocean was a bit too cold for a late afternoon dip, so just the toes.

Big giant waves from Florida!

Diagnosed at 41 Stage IV De Novo Dx 11/16/2016, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+ Chemotherapy 1/2/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 1/2/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 1/2/2017 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Surgery 6/26/2017 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 8/10/2017 Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 10/5/2017, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+, HER2+ Radiation Therapy 10/20/2017 External Local Metastases 10/20/2017 Brain Radiation Therapy 4/18/2018 External Local Metastases 4/18/2018 Brain Radiation Therapy 5/23/2019 External Local Metastases 5/23/2019 Brain Surgery 1/22/2020 Radiation Therapy 2/17/2020 External Local Metastases 2/17/2020 Brain Radiation Therapy 7/20/2020 External Local Metastases 7/20/2020 Radiation therapy: Bone Radiation Therapy 12/4/2020 External Local Metastases 12/4/2020 Brain Targeted Therapy Tukysa (tucatinib) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Feb 8, 2019 08:36PM - edited Feb 8, 2019 08:37PM by micmel

HeartMae~ I think I would have to agree with the toes if it was that cold. The water is magnificent! I'm officially jealous. But you so deserve it. Please be safe. I enjoy your reporting skills. Not just your packing skills. Lol send us some pics of those umbrella drinks. The last ones you posted were as big as my arm. Lol. Have a blast. 😀 Loopy

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 9, 2019 08:12AM micmel wrote:

omg it’s cold again. Up and down like a freaking yo yo. My dad wasn’t chipper too much yesterday. My sister and I visited him yesterday but not for long. He wasn’t a happy camper. Dying is hard work and living Is hard work for sure. To everyone out there dealing one who has dealt with a dying family member. I honestly feel everyday I’m loosing another battle!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 9, 2019 12:46PM Donnabelle wrote:

I was present for my mother's transition and it was haunting. I was lucky to get across the country on time to be there. My Dad and three of my four siblings as well. I feel that she knew we were there for her, and I try to remember that. Otherwise, it was tough on all of us. Waiting for that next breath that didn't come. The finality. What works for some doesn't work for all. I'm hoping that my children won't be with me at that point and have to carry that memory. But maybe it will be important for them, and I would never take that from them if they need it.

So I still do not have the results of my scan from 2/4. My MO was sick and the appointment has shifted to next Tuesday. Also, did not get the scheduled chemo on 2/7 because platelets were too low. That is also rescheduled to next Tuesday. However, the blood work did show some good things. My Alk phos dropped and is back near the normal range, just a few points high, and my tumor markers dropped 50 points, so I am hoping.......

Parry, you are in San Diego? I am in east county. Been here for 35+ years. I hope you are feeling better! Grannax, I hope you are starting to feel better, too, since stopping AA, and good luck with your busy schedule! Micmel, hang in there girl, and be kind to yourself. Mae, loved the FL pictures. Enjoy the weather and the tropical drinks! Lynnwood, thanks for sharing your experiences with patients. I think we all want to be the one exclaiming "it is so beautiful!"

Thinking of everyone and hoping we can all find a little piece of joy today.

Donna

Dx 3/13/2013, IDC, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/10/2013 Mastectomy: Right Chemotherapy 5/6/2013 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 9/15/2013 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Dx 10/13/2017, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/lungs, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 10/28/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel) Hormonal Therapy 1/5/2018 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 1/9/2018 Verzenio Chemotherapy 6/2/2018 Xeloda (capecitabine) Targeted Therapy 11/8/2018 Afinitor (everolimus) Chemotherapy 11/9/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin) Chemotherapy 3/29/2019 AC Chemotherapy 8/20/2019 Halaven (eribulin)
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Feb 9, 2019 04:36PM Parrynd1 wrote:

Micmel I often think my family has it harder than me since they have to watch my decline and struggle and can’t do much to help. Then they will be here when I’m gone. The end of someone’s life is sad, but I think the fact that it ends makes the living part more meaningful. I wish I could take away all the pain and suffering. At least you get this time instead of a sudden death. I know these thoughts don’t make it better, but they’ve helped me cope. Sending some big warm hugs and some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows your way.

Mae it looks like you are having a great time :) woo hoo!

Donna I’m also in east county! Small world :) Where to do you go for treatment, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m up at UCSD. I always stress when I don’t hear back about scans within a day or so. My MO is great about getting the results to me and if it’s delayed it’s usually bad need meaning she is consulting others or the tumor board about it. I hope that’s not your case. Everyone has had a cold that I know and it’s been a rough one. I’m still on cough drops from this cold mid Jan! Oncologists might have stricter regulations when they get sick. Hope you numbers do well for your next infusion.

Hi to everyone hope you are all hanging in ther

Dx 9/4/2016, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 11/30/2016 Other Chemotherapy 2/22/2017 AC Surgery 5/18/2017 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Chemotherapy 6/15/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 10/5/2017 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 3/2018, IDC, Right, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain/bone/lungs/other, Grade 3, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Radiation Therapy 5/24/2018 External: Brain Chemotherapy 6/28/2018 Other Targeted Therapy 10/1/2018 Avastin (bevacizumab) Radiation Therapy 12/28/2018 Whole breast: Breast Chemotherapy 12/30/2018 Halaven (eribulin) Dx 1/29/2019, IDC, <1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to other, Grade 3, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Dx 2/5/2019, 3cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Surgery Chemotherapy Other
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Feb 9, 2019 04:45PM Artista964 wrote:

My grandparents both wanted their kids at their side at the end. The kids wanted it too. My mom flew from Seattle to CA. They both waited for her, the other kids were here then passed. Imo it should be what the kids want because they will be left with it. Some want to be there, some don't. I think it's an individual decision and either way should be accepted.

Dxd at 50. Went thru it all on my own by choice. Dx 6/2/2015, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 1/4 nodes, PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/6/2015 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Chemotherapy 11/3/2015 AC + T (Taxotere) Radiation Therapy 5/4/2016 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 6/28/2016 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Feb 9, 2019 05:04PM - edited Feb 9, 2019 10:53PM by micmel

Donna~I am giving that some serious thought. I went to see hi again today and got another laundry bundle to wash from a soiled blanket. And pants. He says to me “why didn't you become a nurse? You're really good at it" that was his way of acknowledging that I was taking care of him and he knew it. I was his only visitor today. Everyone is sick. My dd is sick. I'm going to try to bring my DS to visit him tomorrow. I'm hanging out with my sweet second daughter. Watching the handsome Colton. The bachelor!!He's a good guy. Hope he gets a good woman! Love to all. Donna.... here's to good results ! 🍾

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 9, 2019 05:18PM Grannax2 wrote:

micmel The last part of my father's life was not pretty, either, My reaction to the process I saw unfold, especially to his wife, was not pretty. The memories I have of his life after my mother died are not pretty. In fact there was nothing pretty about those hurtful, painful years, life altering years. I lived through it, that's all I got. But, I think you will have a few good memories and live through it.

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Feb 9, 2019 11:13PM micmel wrote:

Grannax ~ I read your post and then re read it again. It sounds like another difficult time that you went through. You're something else. I have strong emotions that come and go with this entire thing. If I hadn't been there to take care of the things around him. He would not have had what he needed. When I went the first time, he had one blanket. Then the very next day I go he has the lightest hospital crap sheet/ blankets, because his only quilt there was soiled and lost. I immediately went home And I brought over three of mine for him. To have. He soils an average of a blanket every two days. He was so cold. I wrapped him up in the blankets and he was so warm and smiled so big at me. He was comfortable and warm. She then said. “ oh I would have brought other blankets". I just let it go. I knew he was warm and he was snuggled up comfortable and warm. I labeled the blankets for him so they won't be lost. Everyday except one I have had laundry from him. The next day i bring it back. I just throw it in with my sons and my clothing. Unless it's really bad of course. Then I soak it and wash it a few times. Just plain clothing is fine. Blankets. Not so much.

I sometimes sit and think how and why did this happen to me now? I knew what was going on and I wanted to stay far far out of it all. But hearing of his suffering just gutted me. I had to do something, this is my town and my hospital. They extended my life. It's a good hospital. I know the people who need to be talked to. To make things happen. I don't understand why when I am ill, that this is placed into my zone after 16 years. That's a long time and now. If I hadn't gone over every single day, he would have no clean blankets. (None at all) no clean pants or undershirts or sweatshirts. I check the basket everyday I go in there... I don't know how long I have with him, so whatever time I have with him, needs to be about allowing him to feel taken care of before he passes away. Everyone deserves that. He's grumpy for sure but under there, his under the cuff comments allow me to Know he gets it. I just hope I am able To keep up this pace.

I'm sorry Grannax that you would ever have to experience anything close to what I did with my step monster. Just awful. Now she wants me at meetings and running his care all week basically. She drops in twice a week, and I do understand, she works and she doesn't ever let you forget she works. But I'm kinda working on staying alive. And stress isn't something I really need.

I'm so tired so I hope everyone is doing well.A Quiet. Few days. Hugs to you ladies.

Tanya you ok darling ? Divine?

Much love ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 9, 2019 11:36PM micmel wrote:

Parry~I agree with you. I am always worried about the sadness he will feel. My Dh and I , We are best friends and he is my “hoake" from driving miss daisy. I trust him with my life. I adore him completely. The thought of leaving him and my kids brings me to my Knees. I am trying to learn to forgive I am doing my best with it. It's a hard thing to have forced upon you. Most times forgiveness is an elective choice, this for me wasn't. It was Bam. In my lap. I am starting to notice a different type of strength than. I Had before. Less spinal pain after this full week. Today it has been a week since he was in my Town. The more active i am becoming because of this the Better I have been feeling. Less naps and more energy with less pain in my back. I am hoping against hope that my muscles are improving around the area that the cancer had effected and made weaker. I would love love nothing more than to travel again with my sweet DH. He's the reason to fight. I know you know this completely, Mrs newlywed!!! Sleep well tonight beautiful!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

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