Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 19, 2017 09:18AM micmel wrote:

Claudia~ I don't know how you could manage to take care of someone else with this awful bug. My stomach is so raw. Can't get out of bed. It been almost two full days. Yuck! Also icky head ache! So dizzy!!Problem is I can't tell what is cancer aches or what is sickness aches!! I miss who I used to be. Love is strong. But I am scared cancer is stronger. Every ache always makes me worry, 😰Is this more? What was that pain? It's all sometimes too much to take. I want to stick my head in the sand and search for who I used to be. Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 19, 2017 01:23PM micmel wrote:

I am gathering all

The love stories I can here. Family's love. Partners love, mother, fathers, husbands, bff, you name it. I want these love stories and support of care givers to be remembered and always have a place to live! So much love to hear about. Please share ! Hugs to all. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 20, 2017 12:18AM - edited Jul 20, 2017 12:25AM by Nan812

hi M.....i would like to find my old old self too, this stupid C has aged me beyond belief ...i dont think i left me in the sand but i would like to put my toes and ass in the sand right about now....I couldnt even walk down the beach with DH at this point.....oh well, thats why they made dune buggys , lol ...please feel better soon....ps. when my taste buds got shot the only thing that tasted like it was supposed to were pickles do you like pickles (homemade ones especially)? even icecream tasted like some wierd metal....sorry youre going thru that

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 20, 2017 04:58AM micmel wrote:

Nan~ I somehow have the feeling we are a lot alike. I love the beach too and often wonder if I'll ever even see it again. My DH and I always wanted to take that trip together. But we always said we save money now for the kids college, then we travel. Didn't even see this coming, never imagined, there would ever be a chance that he would be going with someone else. Even just typing that makes me cry. Like NO! That's my fuc*ing husband. Makes me so infuriated! I just want it to go away. I just want to hear, it's gone!! I hope you get to ride in the dune Buggy, sounds fun. I am not sure my Skeleton could take all the bobbling around though. I only have a few mets but they do hurt from time to time. We all need freedom from this disease and physical awfulness and emotional trauma. Freedom!!! No more cancer! Repeat,no more cancer!

I want to say a prayer for our Senator And war hero John McCain and his beautiful family, I hate hearing of cancer period anymore. There is just too much of it. May god helpHim through this path of cancer and give him and his family the strength everyone of us needs to battle this asshole of a disease. I am keeping them all close in prayer. Right along with all of you MBC sisters here. Big hugs. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 20, 2017 06:49AM bigbhome wrote:

There once was a woman who would jump out of bed and decide our was a good day too ride her 🐎. So she would call horsey friends and put together a day ride. She would also decide the weekend would be great for camping and trail riding. Again, more phone calls and a camping they would go. I miss her!

A friend asked the other day, if I had ridden that week, I said no. In this heat, I would get my horse all tracked up and then have to go lay down awhile.

We are planning a trip to Big South Fork in October, something we have been trying to do for10 years. I so hope we can make it!

Ok, no more negativity. I sure am enjoying our new pool! I love swimming and when I get tired I just float. Great way to take weight off pressure points! Any others who can float with no aids? Also found when back hurts to sit in zero gravity chair! What a relief !

I sure hope you are feeling better M. Your husband and dd also. No fun having everyone ill.

I love the beach also. The 3 of us should load up my Jeep and run over for a day! It's about 40 minutes from here and we can drive the Jeep on the beach to where we want to set up. So no schlepping stuff through parking lot to beach! Picture it!

Hugs and prayers everyone

Claudia

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Jul 20, 2017 08:46AM micmel wrote:

Gm everyone, still feeling yucky. But I need everyone to help me say some prayers for some beautiful MBC ladies. Dianarose has been in the ER all night with terrible pain and then was sent home,but has to go back it's so bad. Things are looking rough for her. I am terrified. Sitting here in tears filled with anxiety and worry for her. She's precious and one of the closest people to me here on these boards. I'm scared for her. I have come to love her.

The other dear lovely friend that holds some of my heart is Gracie. She hasn't been around at all and she's having problems as well. I'm deathly scared for my two close friends, please please please pray for them both. They need all the help they can get. I love them both. This is so hard to deal with ! I'm a mess. Sick and worrying

Claudia~ loving the pool action. I grew up with a pool, miss those days , also grew up with two horses. Those were the days. I didn't have cancer then. 😭😞💔. Stay strong ladies. Although sometimes it's just impossible to do. Hugs to all. Prayers to all. 💜To all. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 21, 2017 04:58AM micmel wrote:

finally feeling a little better phew , however, one of my close friends from here is in the hospital and I am a worried person. We go through so much with this battle it scares me to even think of progression. How does one file that into your mind? when you know that everyday you're fighting this beast with everything you have ? only to be told that it has moved? You go through hell and take these medicines that really do nothing that we can see, but make us feel awful, but by taking them, we feel like we have something, some sort of control or sense of feeling like we are doing something to beat it back. I can honestly say, I don't want to suffer. I honestly do not. I have been watching a show called Tyler Henry Hollywood medium, my mom has me hooked, because I need to know something is out there. I need to see ideas and thoughts for myself. This show gives me something that I needed. I have been searching for a way to deal with this fear of leaving my husband. My family. I am scared to death. It's almost to the point of non functioning because everything makes me cry. This person has to be real. He just knows too much. I watched it because I was curious and needed to get some answers someplace. I feel lost at any given time. In any given place or song or thought. My heart is just broken💔. It's all there is too it. I am learning to adore people here. I am realizing that, I could very well have my heart broken in that arena also. I just don't like this anymore. My DH is the air that I breathe, my kids are my part of who I am,my soul, my babies, even thoughthey are 21 and 20 and 16. Loving close beautiful family. This just isn't fair. None of this makes any sense. Since diagnosis I can officially say most of my days have been spent crying in such emotional agony and pain of fear, loss, many surgeries, horrible ones and the unknown. What a shit deal this is. God help us! ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 21, 2017 04:52PM micmel wrote:

Happy that I feel a tad better tonight and my good friend is home from the hospital. Phew😰 Not fully what we wanted to happen by any means, but at least she is home! And semi pain free for now at least. Today was hot hot hot, I feel Like I have no energy. No matter how long I sleep, I still feel like a fatigue zombie. I Am finishing my 8 round of ibrance. And I am just achey all over. Every freaking ache and pain worries me. I am so sick of it. I always before just avoided thinking about cancer. I knew I was scared of it, who isn't. I just never dreamed I would bedealing with this at almost middle age. 😞 Just not fair. I want to excerise like crazy and run like forest gump. This waking up feeling over ten years older than I am. Is for the birds. It's like I hear a clock ticking in my ear. And the beginning of days of our lives. "Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives." Geeze. I watch that everyday. Have for years. Now that is so literal for me. How shitty is that! Peaceful night everyone or anyone. Hugs and prayers. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 22, 2017 10:07AM micmel wrote:

I am slowly coming out of my slug. I feel so tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. Part of me thinks that's ok. Then I don't have time to think. I dream of being who I used to be and my hair is what it used to be. I could go out for day trips and never skip a beat. Not so much anymore. Just too damn tired. I do believe in the fall, it might be easier for me. THis heat kicks my heat flash ass all over the place. I look like I just got done swimming. Never mind that I have nothing to wear ever because I am fatter from this cancer treatment bull shit. I have my third eye staring out at the public (my medicine port). My lymphedema sleeve is also so very sexy. I have to wear it everyday. No matter what. That adds style. Trust me!! My feet hurt so my foot wear leaves a lot to be desired. So all In all, by the time I solve all that crap, I'm too tired. A day in the life of cancer! Have the best day you can. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 22, 2017 02:59PM keetmom wrote:

I mean this as respectfully as I can say it, have you thought about anti-depressants?  it might make things more manageable, know I wouldn't be good with out mine.

Dx 10/2012, DCIS, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/8/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Dx 11/16/2012, IDC, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/16/2012, IDC, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 11/25/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/25/2013 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Surgery 4/25/2013 Prophylactic ovary removal Hormonal Therapy 5/21/2013 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 9/2015, Stage IV Chemotherapy 6/14/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel) Dx 3/2018, Stage IV, metastasized to brain Radiation Therapy 3/4/2018 Chemotherapy 3/21/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Gemzar (gemcitabine) Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Hormonal Therapy Aromasin (exemestane) Targeted Therapy Afinitor (everolimus) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine) Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy External: Brain

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