Topic: Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

Forum: Humor and Games — Breast cancer is no laughing matter, but sometimes a good joke or a game is the best medicine.

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by moderators

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by moderators

moderators wrote:

Hey All,

So you don't need to scroll through all the posts for a good, quick laugh, let's give this a try.

Enjoy!


To send a PM to the Mods: community.breastcancer.org/my/...
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Page 4 of 45 (450 results)

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Aug 22, 2008 01:15PM burns_la wrote:

I had to give a blonde joke!!!!!!!!

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.


The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.' So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.  'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'  The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
   
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 'Yes! He only has one ear!' The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
    
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but ... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?' The blonde said, 'I sure did... This man wears contact lenses.' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
    
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!'  

Laura from Oregon. On the way to my "new normal." I will never be totally free of the worry, but will no longer be defined by it. Dx 12/31/2003, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 1, 0/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 25, 2008 12:05PM lvtwoqlt wrote:

SMART A** ANSWERS

SMART A** ANSWER #1: It was mealtime during a flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or No,' she replied.

SMART A** ANSWER #2: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said 'Sir, I need to see you ticket, not your stub.'

SMART A** ANSWER #3: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one bign enough for her large family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No, ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART A** ANSWER #4: The cop got out of his patrol car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, I got here as fast as I could.'  When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART A** ANSWER #5: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up. finally, a police car comes up. the cop gets out of his car and walks to the trucker, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh.' The trucker says, 'No I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses, whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowlingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly and says, 'Well I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Women are like tea bags, we don't know how strong we are until we were thrown into hot water. Eleanore Roosevelt Diagnosed ADH Feb 2005, ADH Sept 2006 Surgery 2/12/2005 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 9/10/2006 Lumpectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2006 Dx 4/27/2007, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes Surgery 6/1/2007 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Aug 29, 2008 10:17AM dottysue wrote:

On a routine checkup, three years after my BC treatment, I was being examined for the nth time by a healthcare professional, when it occurred to me:  I haven't had so many people touching my breasts since I was in college!   Got a laugh from my doctor. 

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Aug 29, 2008 04:49PM lvtwoqlt wrote:

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint the room naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

'Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

Women are like tea bags, we don't know how strong we are until we were thrown into hot water. Eleanore Roosevelt Diagnosed ADH Feb 2005, ADH Sept 2006 Surgery 2/12/2005 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 9/10/2006 Lumpectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2006 Dx 4/27/2007, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes Surgery 6/1/2007 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Sep 4, 2008 09:01AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Drafting Guys over 55

New Direction for any war:

Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 55 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is adangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Sep 17, 2008 12:10PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Butch had a 
        Date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 
         
        'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Butch in. 
        'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? 
        LemonadeIced tea?' 
         
        'Iced tea, please,' Butch said. Mom brought the iced tea
         
        'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 
         
        'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at 
        The malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...' 
         
        'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him. 
         
        'Really?' Butch replied; eyebrows rose. 
         
        'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, 
        that's all they do!' 
         
        'Is that so?' asked Butch, incredulous. 
         
        'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night 
        If we let her!' 
         
        'Well, thanks for the tip!' Butch said as he began thinking about 
        Alternate plans for the evening. 
         
        A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a 
        Picture wearing a pink blouse and skirt, and with her hair tied back 
        In a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Butch. 
         
        'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left. 
         
        Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the 
        House and slammed the front door behind her. 
         
        'It's The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the 
        Kitchen. 'The damned dance is called the Twist.

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Sep 17, 2008 03:40PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed, squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came
from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts
of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Sep 21, 2008 03:14PM dreamwriter wrote:

A couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.  The woman said to her husband, "Do you remember how we used to sit at the table naked while we ate breakfast?"  The husband says yeah, I remember. "Well lets do it today to celebrate our anniversary.  So they left and came back naked.  The woman says "This brings back memories, my nipplies are tingling already."  He says gently,"You have one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!"

Laugh until it really IS funny. Dx 12/20/2005, 6cm+, Stage IV, Grade 3, 18/18 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Sep 21, 2008 05:04PM pip57 wrote:

At a nursing home, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:  "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. 

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy'" another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.  Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.  "Thank God we all can still drive!" 

PIP - multi focal, FEC100/Tax, rads, dble mast with no recon, ooph/hyst, arimidex Dx 2/1/2007, DCIS/IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIIB, Grade 2, 9/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Sep 21, 2008 05:26PM Yogi70 wrote:

The Salesman's Robot

John was a salesman's delight when in came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.


"Where have you been?" Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked John

"Several of us went to library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.  The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, " I am sorry I lied. we really watched an R-rated movie."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!

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