Topic: Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

Forum: Humor and Games — Breast cancer is no laughing matter, but sometimes a good joke or a game is the best medicine.

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by moderators

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by moderators

moderators wrote:

Hey All,

So you don't need to scroll through all the posts for a good, quick laugh, let's give this a try.

Enjoy!


To send a PM to the Mods: community.breastcancer.org/my/...
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Page 5 of 45 (450 results)

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Sep 21, 2008 05:33PM Yogi70 wrote:

Housework

Housework is supposed to be a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex".

The night went very well. The next day, she told here office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped tha kids do their homework, folded all the  laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that..., Ralph was too tired."

God is good

YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!
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Sep 22, 2008 04:48PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Three Girlfriends

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.  The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.  After much discussion, they decided to su rprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.  Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.  When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'  

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!...   When my financé got home last Friday, he fou nd me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.  I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.  I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.  I finished it off with a black mask.  When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Sep 25, 2008 02:01PM - edited Sep 25, 2008 02:03PM by Yogi70

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

===========================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

=========================================================== When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
 ===========================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...  

YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!
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Sep 25, 2008 02:16PM Yogi70 wrote:

A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering an icon in the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies , and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!
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Sep 25, 2008 03:25PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:  


You  may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 

There are six floors and the value of  the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the  building!  


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:  


Floor  1 - These men Have Jobs. 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:  


Floor  2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  
  
'That's  nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'  

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:  


Floor  3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.    

'Wow,'  she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.  

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 


Floor  4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.   

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand  it!'  

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: 


Floor  5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.   

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:  


Floor  6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  


  
PLEASE  NOTE:  

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.  


The first floor has wives that love sex.  


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.  


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.   

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Sep 26, 2008 04:43PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

 

Out of curiosity, I called the number ........



 

 

AND......

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

 

PS: Don't kill the messenger!!!!!!!!!  It's just a joke.

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Sep 29, 2008 03:05PM Yogi70 wrote:

Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his
wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.  
When Walt was finished, Ma ry asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'  '
No,  but I will for the faucet.'
... And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!
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Sep 29, 2008 03:06PM Yogi70 wrote:

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year-old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'

The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year-old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say
something with 'ass.'

The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw hell Mom,
I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in
hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I let you out.'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'

YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!
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Sep 29, 2008 03:08PM Yogi70 wrote:

  BUTTERCUPS AND   GOLF BALLS     Towards the end of the golf course, Dave  hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.     All of a sudden . . .POOF!!     In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!     Then POOF! . . . she was gone!     After Dave recovered   from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where   are you?'     Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'     Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!  
YOGI - When someone or something comes along and tries to steal your joy...SNATCH IT RIGHT BACK AND LAUGH IN THE THIEF'S FACE!!! LOL!
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Oct 3, 2008 11:44AM lvtwoqlt wrote:

What Do You Do All Day?  

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.  

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.  

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lays under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door .  

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.  He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.  

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.  

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.  She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.  

He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?'  

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'  

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.  

She answered, Well, today I didn't do it.'  

Priceless

Women are like tea bags, we don't know how strong we are until we were thrown into hot water. Eleanore Roosevelt Diagnosed ADH Feb 2005, ADH Sept 2006 Surgery 2/12/2005 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 9/10/2006 Lumpectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2006 Dx 4/27/2007, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes Surgery 6/1/2007 Mastectomy: Left, Right

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