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Sep 12, 2017 07:05PM
Sorry but this is a copy and paste from another forum I post my life on. It's long and probably has misspellings and words don't belong since I didn't read it before posting. Needless to say, I'm beyond exhausted.
Oh how life has forever changed since 9/1 when I had sx....
Sx went ok. Was longer and more complicated than anticipated so was set up at Anna's recliner in her home from that Fri with post op Tues and then pick up the love of my life Wed when Anna got home from work.
Was a difficult stay. Couldn't get comfy with the drains like I could last time. This time Bro O wasn't here to help pull me up. Restrictions for 3 weeks is no heavy lifting, no straining, no strenuous exercise and no using arms to pull self up from chair. The first time I tried to rise from the chair with my stomach and leg muscles I wavered and wound up falling back in in such a way that the drain top popped up and out came the cloudy reddish fluid on to my lounge dress. Fock. Did I bring an extra dress? Hell no! Didn't last time so figured the same this time..
Her bro Anibal the addict has terrible anxiety and sleep issues. Living room is next to kitchen. Almost every hour until 4 am he'd walk down the hall to the kitchen searching for something to eat. I'm amased how he's still standing. From all the heroin use, smoking, drinking, no sleep, anxiety issues etc he still is upright. He looks checked out. His dog Benji this chiwowa mix was going between me and him as he really likes me. I really love animals more than humans. Benji is glued to Anibal like literally but when he leaves or is mad at him, Benj comes to sit by me where I snuggle with him. Didn't tell the surg that as you aren't supposed supposed to be touching animals like this dog who goes outside too and hasn't had a bath in a month. I did take a bottle of purell over and it got a lot of use as getting all the way down the hall to use his bathroom was quite a task, first with a walker then a couple days later, without. He said he had cleaned his bathroom well since I would be sharing. Roomie is in mother's room and that's where last Dec I'd for a few steps from the living room to use the one in there. So no go this time.
Watched many movies there as she has the whole cable package. I'm not that into movies/tv so I don't spend as much on it. So I caught up on the movies in my time there.
On Sat mother called me which surprised me. Anna's mom is usually pretty checked out but without being prodded as both Anna and Anibal were home, she called to speak to me. All I understood was the usual, "Hi Sonta." From there all I could do was uh huh hoping she wasn't asking me questions. I told her I was doing ok and thanks for calling, but whatever she said to me, only the portuguese gods know. No clue.
Sun am I received a message to check facebook. I wasn't planning on logging in on my small shitto phone until I got home Wed pm or on Thurs am. But I was implored to do so. So I log in and at the top of my feed see a post from my grandmother's cousin who lives in Sac stating the devastating news that Mohammad Reza in SF died from a stroke in SF. I thought is this what I'm supposed to see? I barely know this grandmother's cousin and Mohammad Reza doesn't ring a bell, in SF or anywhere. So I set the phone aside and proceeded with lounging around, trying to deal with the pain, low grade fever, emptying drains and dealing with the many phone calls mother calls Anna and Anibal always upsetting them terribly, and them venting on me. Later that day I decide to check FB again and find my uncle (mom's side) changed his profile pic which was of him and my fav uncle, his younger bro, Mamali. I click on it to get a closer look and start to see sad emoji's. Start reading people's posts and am utterly stunned and devastated to find that he passed! What??? He was 55. I figured with his drinking, smoking and on and off unhealthy eating habits that he probably wouldn't make it to 82 like grandma and grandpa did, both battling diseases from their 70s, but 55??!! This can't be true. He's the best. At age 1 he drank contaminated water in Iran and got polio. Over the years his back and legs got worse. He went from a cane with braces to braces and crutches and at times a wheelchair for longer hauls. This guy would and did many times give the shirt off his bank to fam and friends. I can't count how many times when I lived in Palo Alto where I was close to all fam there that when I was struggling for one reason or another, I'd go over there. Asked if I was ok. If I wanted to unload on him I could. He'd listen with 0 judgement and no advice unless I asked. That's all I wanted. Someone to listen for as long as it took to feel better. He always made dinner, we watched movies- just chilled. Nowhere else in the fam do you get this other than with my bro. All the others have their opinions which come across as fact creating arguments when in fact all you wanted to do was to vent a little. But everyone is a certified Dr Oz and Dr Phil that you need to think twice about clueing in fam with your probs. It was easier just to say everything's fine and just have my uncle Mamali and bro for venting shit.
My mother's cousin was pretty much right. Mohammad Reza is his official name that no one ever used, we broke it down to Mamali and always called him that. Living in SF, no, but he's in Sac and the whole bay area is SF to him. Stroke? No one said what on fb. So here I was recovering from a 3 hour sx wondering what to do. No one saw I was online on fb so I didn't respond anywhere. Just spent the day bawling my eyes out, remembering all he had done to help me from just giving me money to being the fam computer guru-- I mean his kindness and generosity was bar none. Why oh why do the best ones go so soon and the ones that are meh live to 100? It was not fair and I went from grief to anger. Poor Anna and Anibal. Major meltdown from Sunday and on.
On Mon bro texted me asking me if I heard and I said yes, saw it on fb. Told me he got in Sun night and they were going to be busy getting the services and such set up for Thurs 9/7. Other fam were going to fly in by Thurs. By this time I was feeling ill from the combo of sx (low grade fever/on fever infection watch) and from the devastating news that left me feeling like a cement truck just ran over me. It didn't help that sleep was worse than what I got at home at night because of Anibal's pacing back and forth from his room to the kitchen or even out into the garage. Back and forth. I don't sleep well in general with my aches and pains and shit pre-sx let alone in this place. So I was feeling ill and exhausted by Mon night.
Tues was po visit with Kilaru. Drainage per day was 40 mil so I knew drains are not coming out. Damn. He did do a great job but with the utter sadness that I felt I looked like hell and my personality was lacking. I told him found out a couple days ago (couple days out from sx) that my fav uncle passed at 55. He said so sorry to hear. It was a quick visit. I'm to keep tabs on my low grade fever. Over 100.5 and I need to call the office. He gave me abx for post sx. Having had so much abx over the course of 2 years and infection issues that I know he was holding his breath hoping I won't have issues. But who knows. 5 mo after the last sx I got infected, had a leak and was on pins and needles wondering if the implant must be removed for a min of 6 mo. So here we are again on the same watch. I got the funeral info and found a large gorg white flowers heart on a stand with red roses making a pattern of 'broken.' Here it is. http://www.proflowers.com/product/The-FTD-Broken-Heart-30183798?ref=homenoref&productgroup=fnr&viewpos=24&ratings=0&reviews=0&trackingpgroup=fnr Had it delivered on Wed so ready for display Thurs before the 11 am services. Bro told me mom and dad really wanted me to go as they haven't seen me in over 3 years. Dad remained close to mom's fam so he's been to grandpa, grandma and my uncle's funeral. He flew up the Wed night before while bro came up 2 days earlier. He knew that answer. Even if I was up to dealing with fam I just got out of sx and am not looking too well. Dad would freak. He always tells bro he's so worried about me because I live alone and have excluded myself from fam beyond text. Mamali lived alone. He died alone despite living within 5 min of one of my aunts and my other uncle who would keep in touch. Because of his polio it was very hard for him to come out of the house so he had groceries delivered and if it was raining, would pass on fam gatherings for fear he could easily slip and it wouldn't be a pretty site since both his legs were pretty much like noodles. My aunt would keep tabs on him if no every day, every 2-3 days. She's very busy with being a grandma as my cousin dumps her young kid on them. Her husband is 88 and has some dementia so she's his caregiver and she's 76 herself and while still in good shape, she is exhausted. She just got done with said cousin's 16 year old dau that she basically raised and has been raising her 4 y/o ever since she was born. Oh and cousin is preggers again expecting a third girl end of Nov. Aunt has had it so not sure how much she'll help to raise a third child. She's tired and has her own aches and pains- and her husband has now reverted to being more like a child at 88.
On 9/1 as I was going in for sx, my aunt was going over to Mamali's condo since he wasn't answering any calls for a couple days now. Missing a call back 1 day is the most for him. He always called back same day. So she got worried. As the anesthesiologist was putting me to sleep and the surg to get started, my aunt opens the door to his place calling out his name. Silence. Checks the living room, kitchen, dining, bathroom, grandparent's (his)bedroom---nothing. One last place to check. As darkness falls upon me and I go to sleep my aunt opens his computer room's door and there he was, splayed out on the floor. She calls 911 but he's long gone. Coroner later states that even if someone was there he most likely wouldn't have made it. Preliminary thought is a massive heart attack that just took him down quick. He didn't stand a chance. Word spread to fam here in the US, Iran and Europe that he passed. FB filled up with loving messages saying the same thing I said: he was like no other. He'd give the shirt off your back. He never said no, never complained about his polio and how it fucked up his life of never having gotten married as he could barely walk much of the time, always thought about how are you doing, what can I do for you, do you need help? He was the computer guru of the fam so our computers were always in top form. He was extremely smart with electronics, computers and such, but his major depression crippled him. His drugs to deal was alcohol, cigs and pot. I can count on 1 hand how many times we saw him sober since 1992 when I moved to the Bay Area.
On Wed bro texted me that my flower wreath got there and it looks better than the pic. Everyone was like wow, very unique find. Yeah, after all my uncle did for me, going through every flower site I could find to find the one that was the nicest after a couple hours was more than worth it. The very least I could do to pay my respects and gratitude. I turned my attention to excitement of getting my baby Mooshy back tonight after a week of boarding in SJ. I didn't call since I had checked in the day before. In the afternoon as I was packing up my things to head home after picking her up, my phone started acting very strange. It would turn off and on on it's own. It went like that for like an hour. Anna saw it too and thought weird and creepy. Then it went silent. After packing we decided we need to test the waters with my ability to climb a mountain of cement stairs before we bring Mooshy home. If I can't do it then Mooshy stays until I can get in our home. Before coming home we went to Sprouts where I bought her veggies since I had only stocked up that place for 10 days. Once I got in my place, I wanted to not leave until my 2nd post op on the upcoming Mon. Anna brought the bags up since I'm on restriction for another 2.5 weeks. Slowly I made my way up grasping the hand rails so I wouldn't trip as I was dizzy. I wasn't sure my knees would hold up. On and off issues with that so let's see what we have today.. Made it up, put the stuff away and headed on 880 south to San Jose. I was excited to see my girl. I remember taking her there a week prior and seeing her facing me in her carrier, which she never did. I always got her bum view. I knew she'd be excited to see me. She always was..
We got there at 7 pm. They close at 8 pm. It was warm in there. All the while over the record breaking 106 temp weekend I'd call and they'd say she's fine. She has a frozen water bottle to snuggle up to cool off since no a/c in this place. I put the carrier on the counter and walked fast with a big smile on my face, so excited to see her! I get to the pen and as always, I find her in the igloo in her sleep position. I call out to her no answer. I figure she's in a deep sleep. After all, it was very warm in there. I see no movement. She always responds to me. I lift the igloo and thought she looks a little thinner, and her head too. I pet her to wake her up and nothing. I look at her eyes, open, they're sunken in. She was stiff. No, she was DEAD! I was stunned in shock like never before in my life, moreso than finding out my fav uncle died 2 days before. She was my girl, my life. She wasn't just a pet. She saw me thought the worst times of my life, 24/7. We were so bonded. OMG. Someone just pulled my heart out of my chest and squeezed it. Once I could feel my legs that were about to come out from underneath me I ran to the desk looking for Anna. She had gone in the bathroom. The owner lady, Lissa, asked what's wrong as I could barely speak. I found my voice and yelled my love guinea pig Mooshy is DEAD! You killed my guinea pig! Of course the owner is going down her clipboard for Mooshy saying well she was fine this am and we are getting ready to do the eve checks. I thought what the flying fuck??! NO A/C, I TOLD YOU SHE'S SENSITIVE TO THE HEAT BECAUSE WITH GUINEA PIGS OVER 80 DEGREES AND THEY CAN HEAT STROKE AND DIE AND I WAS REASSURED YOU'D KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON HER! I was furious how negligent they were with MY girl! They had other gps there who appeared ok (who knows) but they obviously were able to adapt. Mooshy never felt heat as as it got too warm, a/c went on. I knew they can heatstroke quick and be gone like that so I always used a/c along with ice sticks in her water bottle and cooling pad. I was told no worries, we'll take good care of her and keep a close eye on her. WTF happened? You only checked on a boarding pet that I fully informed you about the heat issue once in the am and then once at the end of the biz day??!! Perhaps if you had checked every 1/2 hour on record breaking heat days you could have caught her struggling and sent her to the vet for help as you said that's what you do. WTF happened? I was crying so hard with anger that I'm amased that I was able to articulate clear enough. Anna heard the commotion and saw me a major mess. There were customers in the store and I yelled my guinea pig is DEAD! The owner lady had stepped away. Anna absolutely lost it just as bad as me. We both love all animals and Mooshy was just way way way to special and a severe loss on me. I already felt like a cement truck had hit me when 2 days after sx, I find my 55 y/o fav uncle died (and alone at that) on top of my sx woes and now this! Hit again with 2 cement trucks. Anna and I just bawled until we were gasping for air. I felt faint and thought please God, just fucking put me out of my misery. Kill me now. I can't go on without her. I can not have her in my place as my buddy who kept me going through shit and more shit. She was so dialed into me that whenever I wasn't doing well, neither was she. I had looked back at old vet receipts over the past 2 years and her dates with the vet was ALWAYS during a time when I was having complications. After what seems forever it suddenly dawned on me that that weird phone thing earlier when phone was acting like it was trying to receive a message and it would disconnect- for like an hour. I told Anna that weird thing going on, that was Mooshy trying to contact me to let me know she's in trouble! I believe in this shit. I've seen faint images and if I dial in right and at the right time, I can hear random voices saying sometimes words that make sense to me, like on gal saying "no appts today" which she was right or random words or just weird noises like computerised something. Anna is like me and has seen and heard things too. This made me meltdown even more if that was even more. We were both gasping for air. She needs an inhaler at times and she didn't have it on her so I was worried about her too as she's gasping too. Finally Lissa came to us and said she wants to know what happened to and said she will pay for the necropsy. She got the vet info and went to put Mooshy in the freezer. Before she did I had some time with her alone and just wailed about how sorry I was that I let her down. She wasn't ok and finally today she tried to call me and with no answer, she thought she was abandoned and didn't want to go on without me and in this heat and alone. I said a prayer as I stroked her head. She has this white stripe on her head that you can create designs with so I was creating tree branches. There were people in the store and they largely didn't look despite my outburts and meltdowns. Plan became Mooshy to be sent to Wildwood Veterinary in San Jose for necropsy instead of being sent home with me. Unfucking real. I ran out of tears but couldn't stop gasping and losing it. Anna too. By this time we were by her car. I told her to please text my bro O that the love of my life was dead and so went my phone. Mooshy the last caller. I had charged it that morning. No, it died perhaps the same time Mooshy did.
We had quite a drive ahead, on not just in distance. Traffic here is nuts. Even though it was 9 pm, freeways are still crowded. Anna's like I don't know how I'm going to get us home. I was in worse shape not just because my 2 blows with my uncle and Mooshy but from sx I was feeling weaker and actually ill with a low grade fever that wouldn't go away since sx. She got in and we tried to take a deep breath before heading back in traffic through our blurry and stinging eyes. She drives and I watch the signs. Getting to this place wasn't straight forward. And it was dark. When I brought Mooshy here it was light out. God help us. I didn't give a shit about myself at that point and secretly begged God to bring on the damn high grade fever and put me out of my misery so I could be with both of these loving souls. Our deep grief turned to great anger on the way back. I looked in her pen... where the fuck is the frozen water bottle you speak of??!! There wasn't one! You only check on her, MY gp not yours, in am and 1 time in pm on these unprecedented record breaking heat days, not 1 but 3 in a row with #4 not being that much cooler???!!!! Are you fucking kidding me????!!! I told Anna. They aren't going to find anything wrong with her. She was healthy going in. She died of a broken heart from missing me and with the massive heat on top, she gave up a few hours before I got to her. I will never forgive myself for that till the day I die. My gut told me not to leave her there but it was too late (or maybe so I thought?) to reschedule my sx. But I was reassured. They never lost a life in there. They'll keep close eye on her and she'll have frozen water bottles to get next to. Fock me that I didn't go with my gut feel..
Traffic is nuts. Bay Area has the worst traffic in the country. It was in the news. No shit. Here I am trying to see what lane we need to be in because there is a section of these freeways where if you don't pay attention, you'll find yourself on another freeway going in God knows what direction- and at night with both of us mentally and emotionally impaired. I took the water bottle and just splashed water on my face to try and get my blurry stinging eyes to focus while Anna who has high anxiety keeps asking me are we in the right lane. At this point I was so wishing I had a xanax or something as she was making me more anxious. Then there's that area where an exit from 1 freeway is in the same merging lane and the entry into another. So cars are stopped. Who's getting on, who needs to merge... I mean who the hell designed these roads here? No wonder it's a cluster fock. Reminds me of LA freeways where plenty of times you space and you have exited and are going in some unknown direction lost as hell.
As we are nearing our exit Anna asks me if I'd rather go home or back to her place. I told her I can't go home. I can't bear looking at her empty freshly laundered fleece/cleaned pen. So we went to her place, took my bags back in and just bawled the night away.
Now it's Thurs, 9/7. As my uncle's funeral is set to start at 11 am, my beloved is being transported to her vet for necropsy. Ironic. Both loves being addressed today. Anna had called in sick as we really were. I was so puffy that I didn't even look like myself. Anna didn't fair much better. At 11 am we lit a candle and were at my uncle's service in spirit while I took a break to think about my other huge loss. I knew the vet's office was going to call me on my dead phone so I gave Anna's cell. The vet's office called asking me what I wanted to do about her body. I still couldn't believe she was gone. I was like huh? Chose cremation with me providing my own special urn. Had no idea what but I was on a mission as I was with my uncle's wreath to find the nicest and most unique looking urn I could find. They gave me the name and website of where they send animals. A place in Napa called Bubbling Well Pet Memorial. https://www.bubbling-well.com/
Next I set out online to find the perfect urn for my perfect pet. I found this. I got the medium size white marble urn. I love the idea of candles on it to pay respects to her that way at home. I also like that you can put a photo. I have so so so many photos of her. To pick one with be quite the task. I'll probably have a few sized and rotate them. I ordered this and is shipping to bubbling well in Napa so when they do the deed, they'll put her ashes in it for me. No way could I do it so I'm paying extra for them to do it for me since I'm not using their cedar box.
On Fri I called the vet to see if she was able to do necropsy on her last evening and she said she was frozen, they need for her to thaw and will do it tonight. Was I ordering a steak? Freezing the 'meat' then thawing it before cutting it open. Just so surreal. Is this my Mooshy we are talking about???
On Sat I called the vet. As I thought, they found nothing off/wrong. She was healthy. Final conclusion: unkown cause of death. Oh I know the cause of death.. I asked they email me the copy of the report for my records even if this is all it says. I got this email:
Wildwood Veterinary Hospital <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sep 8 at 11:04 PM
I am so very sorry about poor little Mooshy. She was such a sweet, beautiful, and stubborn little girl. I will miss her. She was fortunate to have you as her family.
I have attached the necropsy report to the email.
Unfortunately, I did not find any cause of death. I collected many samples to allow for histopathology with the hopes of getting you an answer. Due to the degree of breakdown in the tissues and the freezing process, it is possible that we will not have a conclusive reason even with the microscopic examination. We will keep you posted.
Diana Welsh, DVM
Please call with any questions or concerns!
Wildwood Veterinary Hospital
1115 Luchessi Drive, San Jose, CA. 95118
- Download Mooshy Nxxxxxx Necropsy Report 08SEP2017 .pdf
Sun, 9/10. Early am while all are asleep except me. Their mother's home phone rings once. Just once and hangs up. Forgot that phone was still active since it's been since July 2016 that she's been in assisted living. The phone was out of site behind the living room tv. One ring. I was told that phone never rings. Was my prayer to reach out to Mooshy being answered? Was it her on this line chiming in that she's here with me now? I decided I need to buck up and go home. Can't stay here forever and hide. By this time I hadn't showered since the am of 9/1 sx so I was really feeling the need to shower and crawl under the sheets and just dial out, this time alone. I haven't slept since before sx so I was starting to see black dots on my eyeballs. I get that when I am beyond exhausted--- which I am right now so tbc. Yes, there are more surprises yet to be mentioned regarding yesterday Sun 9/10 and yesterday Mon 9/11..........................................but am drained and will post about it later.
*If I write "mother" it's not my mother. I refer to my bff's mother as mother. My mother = mom in my wording.
Hope all is well with everyone.
Dx'd at 50. Doing it all, all by myself. Stopped Letrozole after 5 weeks. Debilitating se's. Back on Tamox now.
6/2/2015, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 1/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (DUAL)
8/6/2015 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement
11/3/2015 AC + T (Taxotere)
5/2/2016 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall
6/28/2016 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
12/9/2016 Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
2/14/2017 Femara (letrozole)
3/26/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
9/1/2017 Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting, Silicone implant