Topic: Single life after a mastectomy

Forum: Singles With Breast Cancer — Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.

Posted on: Apr 30, 2011 06:32AM

Posted on: Apr 30, 2011 06:32AM

txkari wrote:

Hello --

I'm a 47 year old single, who was diagnosed with DCIS grade 3 in early March. The affected area is quite large ... 15 cm in one direction. I have had two partial mastectomies and they still don't have clear margins, so I will be getting a full mastectomy on the left side in a few weeks.

I guess I took the Dr's assurances that I would be OK, a little too much to heart. I was ready for a little surgery and radiation. I wasn't ready to be told I needed a full mastectomy. The reality of it hit me a couple of nights ago.

I haven't met with the plastic surgeon yet, so I'm not sure what my reconstruction plan is yet. My questions are ... how did you prepare yourself to see your body after the surgery? I'm rather large breasted (DD) so the difference is going to be pretty dramatic. Have you found that men can look past the changes in your body? Do they understand? I just want to know if I need to resign myself to being alone. Is there love after a mastectomy/reconstruction?

Thanks

Dx 3/4/2011, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/0 nodes
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Feb 17, 2021 04:41AM - edited Feb 17, 2021 05:00AM by Gilliber

This Post was deleted by Gilliber.
Dx 8/2017, IDC, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Chemotherapy 9/6/2017 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 7/24/2019 Mastectomy Surgery Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Radiation Therapy Whole breast: Breast
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Feb 17, 2021 05:01AM Gilliber wrote:

Hi everyone. I recently started to date someone for the first time after my mastectomy in July 2019. He was someone I met by chance in a store who approached me - i.e. I wasn't looking for it, but it happened. Three weeks later on the third date, I told him about the breast cancer and mastectomy and his attitude completely changed - from being so into me to being the opposite. He said his feelings might grow and so we continued to get together but his feelings never grew beyond platonic ones despite having some sexually intimate experiences and despite my giving him the best of myself. Finally after months of this unrequited situation and feeling a constant sense of rejection on a romantic level, he made it clear he sees me as just a friend and it looks that that would never change. This whole experience has been devastating to say the least.

I have recently done online speed dating - and have been talking to several guys who showed interest in me. But I'm so nervous about how they will react when and if they know about my breast cancer/mastectomy. I didn't worry before I had the experience with the guy I met in the store and couldn't imagine that it would be a deal breaker for him because I know how much I have to offer in a relationship (everything). But it was and now I realize I was naive. Now I need to tread more carefully, guard my heart, and as someone here said, be more thick-skinned so I don't get crushed emotionally again if I am rejected. I do believe there is someone out there for me and am encouraged by some of the stories on here so we shall see. It is a guessing game at the moment.

Dx 8/2017, IDC, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Chemotherapy 9/6/2017 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 7/24/2019 Mastectomy Surgery Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Radiation Therapy Whole breast: Breast
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Mar 7, 2021 04:52AM notbrokenjustbent wrote:

Gilliber, don't assume that the cancer/mx had anything to do with his feeling for you. Most if not all women (without C), or men for that matter, have gone through the "just wanna be friends" thing. I have not dated in years, decided I wanted to stay single, but after my BC I did some dating and that was not my experience in fact I was the one doing the rejection.

It is unfortunate this site is not more active so others could chime in and share their experiences.

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Mar 7, 2021 01:45PM Simplicity wrote:

Idk. It does kind of sound like this particular guy felt some kind of way about it. I dated a guy for 3 years right after my double mastectomy. He was not bothered a single bit by my cancer or the appearance of my body (DIEP/TRAM reconstruction). His adult son was *hmpf*

Right now, I am just not interested in anything romantic for various reasons. And the men that have approached me, well, they seem to want to jump ahead 10 steps and just boom, relationship. *But* they don't know about my cancer or how bad it was.

NotBrokenJustBent, yea, kind of miss the old days when the site was more active. Really helped me through a lot

Dx 3/31/2015, IDC, Right, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 4/21/2015 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 9/4/2015 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right Radiation Therapy 10/13/2015 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 12/28/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery 5/20/2016 Reconstruction (left): Free TRAM flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap
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Mar 20, 2021 08:10PM notbrokenjustbent wrote:

Simplicity, I was sorry to hear that your relationship with that fella fell apart. As I recall you were having issues with his children accepting you and sharing their father's time and affection. I had thought that would resolve in time. Well for what it is worth he got you through some very tough times. Mine broke up with me via text as I lie in hospital after having my breast lopped off. Ugh...what a guy.

Yes, this forum got me through some dark days. I still email Jazz and don't know if you heard but Enerva passed away. I still think of that sweet girl daily and she remains an inspiration to me.

My last date was over 4 years ago. I had been dating around and was fine as long as I was not interested in a relationship but this one man I really liked. I enjoyed his company immensely, he was sooooo funny and just my type but the closer we got the more scared I became. Apparently i wasn't ready plus there was a lot going on in my life. We left the relationship open ended and when I was ready I would let him know. We texted now and then, I liked to know he was still out there and interested, and I told him once I moved and got all settled in I wanted to have him over for a nice dinner. Guess I waited too long because 6 months later he no longer texted me back. 🤷 Since, I have had absolutely no interest in dating though I do miss male companionship, meaning friendship, but that never works.

So I am going on 8 years since dx and surgery. I am grateful but not the same person I was and not in a good way. I look and feel 1000 years old but blessed to be alive and well. I have become The Crazy Cat Lady. I have adopted one and fostered many. It gives me purpose. 😹


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Mar 22, 2021 11:41AM Simplicity wrote:

Good morning all....not that it's a good one here haha but hey, it's a new day, so it has potential already.

NotBrokenJustBent yea it got pretty bad. The last straw was his 26yr old son saying something so bad dad wouldn't even repeat it or correct the behavior let alone say something about it.

I remember :( What an asshat!

6 yrs here 3/31 and still have plenty of issues. I had heard about Enerva. Sweetest lady. Still hard, even as an adult, to grasp loss sometimes.

I began Dragonboating 4 years ago, hence my absence between that and working and dealing with workplace discrimination against my BC. Awful awful awful.

As far as dating. Bleh. About all I got lol

I have a grand daughter!!!!! My 27 yr old son finally met a nice lady and her daughter just turned 4. They have moved in and I have very few minor complaints. I feel like I hit the soon to be daughter in law lottery, so I am just trying to focus on these 2 new relationships.


Dx 3/31/2015, IDC, Right, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 4/21/2015 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 9/4/2015 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right Radiation Therapy 10/13/2015 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 12/28/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery 5/20/2016 Reconstruction (left): Free TRAM flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap
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Mar 30, 2021 07:10PM notbrokenjustbent wrote:

Hello Simplicity. Dragonboating, hah, I joined a BC team. It was suppose to be fun and chill but it wasn't and they would get yelling at me. ☹️ I was paddling as fast as I could but apparently not good enough.Talk about competitive, yikes. Yeah, that little hobby and bonding time with my "sisters" did not play out.

Well for what it is worth, your ex is destined to be alone so no need to log onto FB to periodically check his status.

As for me I am alone but never was lonely until very recently. I guess winter and Covid has taken it's toll and being a recluse shut in has gotten very old. I have never been so anxious for Spring. I just got my first vaccine on Sunday. Yay! but what an ordeal getting an appointment and thereafter was. Not sure I will go back, it was a 4 hour ordeal and hundreds of us were herded like cattle through multiple mile long lines by National Guard personnel. It was all very strange and so much for social distancing. It was seriously bizarre.

Congrats on a grand child and how nice they are staying with you. Ahhhhh...I would love that! My son was dating a nice girl with a young baby. I became very attached to the girl but especially the child. It broke my heart when the relationship fell apart and my poor son was broken. Double whammy. He not only lost the girl but it was the child that was especially hard for him to say good bye to. Well I never wanted to be a Gma but I must admit I fell into the role nicely. I think I would be a good one. Maybe someday.




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Dec 23, 2021 06:09PM Simplicity wrote:

Good morning..NotBrokenJustBent


Sadly, the exh died 11/27.


Sorry to hear that but I get it. Holidays are here now, and well, I am at the lowest point in my 47 year long life. Crazy how things go.


Yea, I didn't last either. Too much drama and 'clicks'. I have never done well with either.


Hope all are well

Dx 3/31/2015, IDC, Right, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 4/21/2015 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 9/4/2015 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right Radiation Therapy 10/13/2015 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 12/28/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery 5/20/2016 Reconstruction (left): Free TRAM flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap
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Jun 12, 2022 08:56PM notbrokenjustbent wrote:

Meh, things here are not that great but what else is new.

When it comes to single life, not sure how you all manage when it comes to procedures and/or operations where you need rides after anesthesia. I have two children but they don't have benefits for time off and I don't have the financial resources to supplement their loss income. I also have an ankle that needs an operation which I won't be having as it is an eight week recovery. 4 weeks in wheelchair and thereafter 4 weeks in cast so absolutely no driving. I have no one to care for me while in wheelchair and no one to drive me around like Miss Daisy. Anyway, more and more I am dependent on others yet no one to depend on. My PCP just yelled at me that I am behind on an endoscopy and colonoscopy. I got a little pissy back and said unless you are willing to drive me best back off. Hospitals and clinics won't release one to an Uber or Taxi so any other bright ideas? That shut her up.

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Jun 13, 2022 12:21AM kamboka wrote:

notbrokenbutbent: I'm single and that is always a problem for me too. Once, I had planned to pay a homeless man to come into the hospital to check me out. If we had gone outside, I would have given him his money and I would have taken my Uber home. I didn't have to do that luckily. Another time, I did check myself out of the hospital "AMA". It's just a form to end hospital liability. When I had my second lumpectomy, I told my surgeon I didn't have a ride. She said no problem, if she kept me overnight, they don't care how I get home. Funny since I was heavily medicated when I left in the Uber. Another option that I have used is to 'rent' a companion from a nursing servce. You will have to pay for a few hours and they will pick you up at the hospital. It was worth the cost to get someone to help me. Good luck trying to work out the details.

Dx 1/4/2019, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 1/7 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-, FISHISHCISH Chemotherapy 3/15/2019 AC + T (Taxol) Dx 7/9/2019, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, Grade 3 Surgery 7/9/2019 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Surgery 7/23/2019 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 10/2/2019 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 11/22/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole), Femara (letrozole)

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