Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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Carolyn, I'm sorry your ex said that to you. When my hair was growing back I had one comment from a "friend" of ours that said, "Pretty soon you'll look like a teenage boy!" Yeah, just the look I'm going for. Another lady in my office said that I would look "like a duck" when my hair was about an inch long. People just don't think before they speak, unfortunately.
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Cindy what in the heck did she mean that you would look like a duck????????????? I mean of all the animals that she could pick (rooster,cockadoo, etc.... why a duck? Some people not only say stupid things I think they live there....... Carolyn
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Carolyn, I don't know why she picked a duck. She is a piece of work, that's for sure. The worst thing she said to me was when I was getting my long blonde hair trimmed a couple of months before I started chemo. Her comment was, "Why?? So it will look good when it falls out??" Kid you not....I can't make this stuff up!
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Cindy, maybe she meant roasted duck....ha....what a witch! Carolyn
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The worst things people have said to me have, in retrospect, turned into the funniest things I've heard. When I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer 7 years ago, there wasn't much info available, and I wasn't very computer savvy. So, I went to the library and asked the librarian to help me find info on inflammatory breast cancer. Her response? "Oh, that's the breast cancer that's always fatal, isn't it?" My response? "Well, that's the one I've been diagnosed with and I' guess you've answered all my questions!!!" Seven years later, I'm still chuckling.
Mary Ann
Chemo Hats: www.cjhats.com0 -
I'm speechless at what the librarian said, Mary Ann.
A couple of things my dear, sweet, supportive boyfriend keeps hearing are: "So, why didn't she just cut off both of her breasts?" His reply is, "It's a very personal choice and I hope you're never faced with it."
The other one we both hear over and over is, "So, you're totally cured, right?" Both of us now simply say, "I don't know if you've been paying attention or not but there is no CURE for cancer."0 -
This morning I got up early to type a transcript for some friends of mine who have a court reporting company. It was an especially difficult one. Monday was my last radiation treatment and I think the fatigue from that has finally caught up with me, so doing the transcript totally wiped me out. I was lamenting about all I had to do for Thanksgiving tomorrow and no energy, and my husband, sounding irritated, said: "You weren't THIS tired after chemo," insinuating I was being a little dramatic about my fatigue. I looked at him and said, "YOU never saw me after chemo." My mom took care of me each time and I never came home until I was better. He was spared all the bad parts of my year pretty much.
I wish I had more energy to put into letting him have it.
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awwww-so sorry for the hurt and fatigue, gsg. {{Hugs}}
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gsg,
Just remember, they are ONLY men! I'm convinced that somewhere in the marriage vows, we just don't hear them say "I promise to love, honor, obey and get stupid."
Hugs and strength, Karen0 -
ughhh gsg, unbelievable - something my ex might have said. Funny - he's much more compassionate now! I think he grew up a little over the last 12 years.
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When I was initially dx and treatment plan was lumpectomy, chemo rads my close friends kept asking why I didn't do bilateral mastectomy. It made me feel defensive trying to justify my trust in my doctors with my friends adding to my fear if I was making the right choice. I realized that it amounted to their ignorance and they meant the best for me.
Now my husbands family is entirely different where my MIL is concerned. She is what my support councelor refers to as a 'Toxic' personality. When I informed MIL of my BC she made comments about hair loss and being bald, how one SIL had recurrence and bilateral mastectomy and how her mother died of stomach cancer some 30 years ago and the horrible details. Obviously to her being bald and boobless is worse than being alive. There was NO words of encouragement or well wishes. I felt she was deliberately trying to upset me and when I relayed the conversation to my husband he saw nothing wrong with it. Typical behavior for his mother.
Guess who is NOT coming to my house for Thanksgiving and who I'm not going to spend the holidays! Immediately after this phone call I decided I would not allow myself to be subjected to his family's comments or have to entertain them over the holidays. I called other SIL and told her tag your it - - you get the MIL the rest of the year because I'm not having any holidays at home this year. No cards or calls to me but they ask nosey questions through my husband. Also, I refuse to go to their house and feel trapped when they think it's their right to ask me questions about my BC status when I feel frankly they could care less. So I finally got a vacation from these folks although this is not the way I would have chose it. Thank goodness I've had support from others and the laides at this website!! Thank You!! Joann0 -
I'm sure that everyone has family members like yours, I do. My brother has stopped speaking to me - dont know why -he wont say. My inlaws dont call and we no longer get invites to family weddings, birthdays or holiday get to theres.
I have loads of support from my grown up children and all my friends on the net.
Take care
best wishes Harvey0 -
jlong,
Learning that avoiding toxic people includes family is difficult for some people. I learned long ago with my father that it was ok to express my feelings and if necessary, remove them from my life as needed.
My first husband had a very toxic family - most alcoholics - and it took years and Al Anon for him to realize that it's ok to help them but not to let them destroy him (he was a recovering alcoholic). It was difficult but he was able to do it and a couple of them eventually sobered up too. He has been much happier in himself since - but it took a while to get over the guilt.
My DH has a hard time - a very toxic brother and his reply is "he's my brother" - I understand that but after years of his abuse, I finally told him he can no longer come to our house - DH - do what you need to do but I cannot deal with him since I was a frequent target for his "opinions" - as was my daughter.
DH understood and respected my wishes - which included no more calls to our home phone - only my DH's cell.
It has been MUCH better without that in my life - certainly now after my dx.0 -
I feel like I have started isolating...easy to do since I am taking a grad course and am up to my eyeballs in research paper work but.... I have been forced into just carrying on as though I have never had bc...I had bilateral mast in May, rads and now on tamox..... Terrible first ps... ( had expanders) now have another ps so will probably have the exchange before Christmas. No one expresses any interest in how I am doing and I definitely cannot feel sorry for myself... I am not one to do that anyways but gee whiz... it would be nice to have some compassion. It was within a couple months of my surgery that I was told by a supposed "friend... a Christian!!!!!" that it was 'all about me".... well, needless to say I have re-thought my relationship with her... my daughter, who had called me perhaps 4-5 times over the first couple months doesn't even ask how I'm doing now... so I guess it's life back to normal eh? I believe it was their concern over their own vulnerability that had any of these people making regular contact with me in the beginning but when they saw that I looked like I was okay and moving on they withdrew any support or interest. I am single and live alone and haven't returned to work yet... have been just taking it easy and taking my course.
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Teacher - how did the wedding go?
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At my first chemo visit on Friday, the tech did the finger stick to check my blood count and asked me what kind of cancer...After I told her she said it's been years since she had a mammo...so I of course encourage her to go get one....she said she doesn't worry about it because she takes care of herself, eats right, no family history, doesn't smoke at all and rarely drinks...ha ha ha ha--I hated to break her little security blanket by telling her she could have been describing me! She acted like she didn't hear me. I guess it makes people feel better to think that somehow we have done things to deserve this?!
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My sister told me that if I needed radiation it would be easy after I had a mastectomy, becuse they could start treatment on that "boob" without me even being there, "ha ha ha." She told me this while visiting me in the hospital after my second surgery in three weeks, and telling me how horrible recovery was for her friend, the pain, drains hanging out of her side, numbness, etc. I had to remind her that I had just had the same surgery less than 24 hours ago. I don't speak to her very often anymore.
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So this is not the worst thing anyone has ever said to me - I have been fortunate that nobody has said anything that offensive. Although I do not get out much and have a small circle of friends.
I'm curious about other people and how they share my information. Every coworker in my dept knows - since we are a small group and meet every week. I felt comfortable with them knowing and have told a few select others. My DH also works there so some of his team know as well. They have all been very supportive.
I know people gossip but one of my coworkers that I had told was lunching with a friend there who did not know - and might not have since she's in another dept. I went to use the microwave and said hello to my friend. She later told me that her friend commented on how cute my hair was (it's a wig). She replied "Yeah - she likes it better than her real hair too - it's a wig."
When she told me later I was kind of surprised - I guess I think if people speculate, that's fine, but I felt it as kind of a betrayal. I felt the same way when my DH told his siblings shortly after we met without asking me first. I guess I reserve the right to tell people that I choose.
I feel this way about most things personal - not just bc - like that I'm on anti-anxiety medication or having an ovarian cyst - just think it's my information to disseminate.
Does anybody else feel weird about this type of thing?0 -
I didn't read all the replies here so I don't know if this has already been said. This was from a guy when he was told I have cancer...
"Wow, you're 'gonna die."
I got over it.0 -
MarsMan - I would have replied "No sh*t, Sherlock. We all are someday." Nescient.
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Quote:
MarsMan - I would have replied "No sh*t, Sherlock. We all are someday." Nescient.
LOL--love it, Lini!
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I feel very much like you do. I prefer to be the one to choose whom to tell. I had a lumpectomy on 5/5/06 and then a mastectomy on 5/26. My husband attended a birthday party for his great-grandson the day after I came home. While there he not only told everyone that I had bc but also that I had had a mastectomy. I was irritated because I don't think anyone needs to know what type of surgery I had. I strongly feel that I should be the who chooses what info to share and with whom.
I work in a dental office and started wearing a wig there in July. I don't know why but I felt embarrassed to reveal that I had cancer. In September I started being able to talk about it and last week I got sick of wearing a wig so I started wearing a scarf with a baseball cap. Everyone who sees me now knows and most everyone is very kind and caring. I still get some very personal questions,and some thoughtless comments, but I have known some of these patients for over 10 years so we feel like friends. Their cards, kindness and good wishes help me through some of the tougher days. One of my patients works at the hospital where I am treated and she offered to come and visit during my infusions if I wanted company. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a Sestamibi scan and plan on having coffee with her while waiting for the imaging.
You mentioned anti-anxiety meds. Do you find this to be much help. Both my onc and GP havae given me prescriptions for xanax but I haven't filled the Rx. yet. I feel like I should be able to handle things without meds. I'm afraid I'll feel even more fatigued than I already do or that I'll feel groggy. How do you feel when taking this type of med? Thanks for your willingness to share your insights.0 -
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's nice your patients are so supportive too.
I find the anti-anxiety meds to be helpful when I need them. The way I can tell is if I have tightness in my chest or find myself starting to panic a little, then I take a half or a whole one and those symptoms go away. If I don't need them, they do make me sleepy. I never used medications before this year - have always felt like I can handle things pretty well - and I can.
Early this year before my dx my home life exploded and I was having real anxiety for the first time in my life. I asked for a prescription and was given Xanax. It was a lifesaver - it kept me from going over the edge until things settled. They did eventually and I eased off the Xanax then was dx in June - so back to the Xanax. I'm now on Ativan (since it's also anti-nausea) and only take it when I need it. I probably still have a tab every day but this is a horrible thing to go through so I am taking any help I can get. If I have symptoms I don't really notice any drowsiness - only the edge taken off.
Hope this helps - I've learned that we do not need to be afraid of medications - I'm told they are usually only addictive when you take them if you don't need them.
Oh - good luck on your scan!!0 -
OK, I'm trying the "No sh#t Sherlock!" answer the next time I need a smart a$$ reply! Gotta love it for the brainless dolts out there!
Patti0 -
my neice who I love is 18 and my sister let her get implants she didnt need implants her breast were just fine,,,well my sister went on for days how gorgeous my neices breasts came out...I hated to hear it after what i had gone through elective surgery is like omfg..well i finally yelled to her and said i dont want to hear about your daughters tits anymore and hung up....I felt like why do i have to know this...after what i went through and still going through.. then to top it off my friend got implants just to get them and she said oh now we all have implants i looked at her like WTF* like I want this noooooooooooooooo I have not spoken to her in a few weeks..she lives right next store.....Im so crazy latly so cranky
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wow you are everywhere!!!!!!
always thinking of ya goodnight0 -
Thanks for the good wishes. I hope things settle down for you and that you get through this second round without too much distress. The second time around must be harder than the first I would think. I'll send you good thoughts!!
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I feel like a traitor telling this as it is on my DH and happened when i was dx. We had the biopsy report and a game plan from the surgeon .. I was going in for a lumpectomy and SNB. I was terrified, both for me and for the family. I don't work outside the house, just the 3 C's ... cook, clean, crap. I couldn't figure out who would take care of the things I do to keep the house going, if I died. I was talking to my DH about the surgery and remarked that it was so strange to be dx with cancer when I didn't feel sick. THE ZINGER ... He said he wondered if I had been getting sick for months as all I did was sit on the couch! I was crushed and felt worthless. I made sure to finish my stuff before he got home so I could spend time with him, instead of laundry, bills etc. I also volunteer in the community enough that the mayor named a day after me because of my volunteer efforts. I quilt, jet ski, LOTS of stuff but he didn't see any of that. To him, I sat on the couch, ate bon bons and watched Oprah all day. I can't tell you how many tear I shed over this. It might have been as hard as hearing "malignant". The next day, he realized what he had said and apologized profusely, but the damage had been done. And now, I really do spend most of my time on the couch.
He has been wonderful thru this whole dx and tx so I need to "get over it" but it's hard to forget. Thanks for the opportunity to vent (5 months later). Now maybe I can release it.
Karen0 -
Yikes - that was not nice at all. But unfortunately, it reminded me of one horrible thing that was said to me. Once I was done with my tx and recon, my ex and I decided to move forward with our divorce we had put on hold with my dx. I just remembered him saying to me "I have to say, I'm kind of looking forward to having sex with a woman with two breasts again."
I don't even remember what I said - if anything. I think I just thought - yep, that's why I'm divorcing you and good riddance. He was far too upset that my recon wasn't perfect - while I was happy to be alive and have enough to go without a prosthesis - and never got it fixed - no regrets.
Yes - that is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.0 -
Its just terrible to read some of this stuff that was said to others that were DX with bc. Breaks my heart. I know I am ratting out my husband too. But I will NEVER forget it.
He knew I was waiting for the results to my biospy one day. He comes home from work & I had already got the news that it IS cancer and probably in my lymph nodes. I had been crying before he even got home that day. My whole world had been turned upside down in a split second as all you women here can understand.
Hubby comes in and sees me upset and crying. (By the way..I am NOT a crier...if I am crying...something is awful wrong.) He says real mellow like, "Whats wrong honey"? I said "I do have bc". (Still crying & I NEED a hug and someone to tell me its going to be alright.) He just looks at me and says "I am sorry honey". Then he keeps on walking and goes puts his stuff away and gets comfortable and watches tv like nothing happened. Just left me sitting in the other room crying, alone, upset and scared out of my mind.
So later I kind of pull it togther and tell him what day my surgery is scheduled. He looks at me and says "Ok...I will have Mom come over and she can ride with you in a taxi that day". (Meaning he was NOT going to take off work or be with me on the day of surgery.)
Do you KNOW HOW many times through our 27 yrs I have taken him to the hospital and been there during HIS surgeries!! Waited on him hand and foot..for NOTHING as serious as this.
I got SO MAD. I raised my voice and said "What do you mean your Mom can come over and take a taxi with me to my surgery!" I said ARE YOU CRAZY! He said I will come see you some time after I get off work. I said "You DON'T know I will be there AFTER SURGERY....with any surgery there are RISKS...I could DIE during surgery."
Oh I was SO HURT. I have tried to let it go...but to this day it still bothers me that I got such a nonchalant response to having bc. I had called and told my Mother what he said because I THOUGHT I was being too sensitive? My Mother was SO MAD & ANGRY she could of smacked him. She started crying and said "Alright...I have had it with him...she said...NOW HE HAS REALLY DONE IT". Oh she was so upset.
I let my husband know how upset I was that work was more important than me being DX with breast cancer. And it was really NICE for him to tell me to take a taxi to my surgery when your ALWAYS SUPPOSE to have family there when having surgery. I told him how pissed my Mother, brother and everyone I talked to was at him. Then he said "Thats NOT what he meant...he wasn't trying to upset me." He started back peddling. He ended up taking off the day and taking me to the surgery. But it didn't mean much to me since I felt it was FORCED. I never would of expected that from him after all we have been through. Plus the fact you tell you husband you have breast cancer and all he says is "I'm sorry honey"...and KEEPS WALKING. No hug...nothing.
Chelee0
