Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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One last thing that upset me with my husband. After my surgery was out of the way, and almost through with my chemo. He walks in one day when I was sitting on the couch resting due to chemo. He just out of the blue says in a raised voice, "Is this ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TOO"! Then he storms off and goes in the other room. I was just crushed. Someone could of just shot me and put me out of my misery.
I don't know where that came from...I haven't said a word. I am NOT one to go on about my chemo or how bad I was feeling during chemo. I did most everything for myself...so why he wanted to hurt me was beyond me. Here I am the one with bc...her2/neu 3+++, er & pr weakly positive, 5 of 16 positive nodes...going through chemo and sucking it up and doing the best I can with a bad situation...and he says that. I have experienced so much pain since this DX. Not just with hubby...but I noticed family and friends ALL disappeared. O'well...
Chelee0 -
Sometimes
I think maybe we should say when we are afraid or hurting or just plain scared, and not worry so much about our spouse's feelings. I think that we feel we must protect our husbands, children, etc. from the pain and fear. I overheard my husband tell a friend of his that I have a "little problem". I told him I don't have a "little problem", I have breast cancer - a very big and scary problem, and I am too overwhelmed right now to try to help him deal with it. I don't know how to deal with it yet. I expressed anger and rage that I have had to deal with everything by myself, all I asked for was a little encouragement and support, of which I received none. The morning he picked me up at the hospital, all he could do was complain that I asked him to pick me up at ten and I wasn't released until noon, I guess it took too long. I asked him why after 7 months since dx, he has yet to ask me how I am feeling, he has no answer, just walks away. I finally realized that bc didn't destroy my marriage, it just made me realize that it ended years ago.0 -
Don't you wonder how someone who once loved you could be so cruel. I hope you are happier now that you don't have to encounter such nastiness on a personal basis. If we only have one person to count on and depend on, it should be our spouse. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes something like this to open our eyes, or make us realize that we have to make happiness for ourselves, we can't depend on someone else for that. My onc told me to go back out and live my life now that I am done with tmt. I told him I never stopped living my life, I had to rearrange my schedule to fit in bc on top of everything else I do. Good luck.
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I have been reading and keeping up with this thread...and it amazes me how insensitive people can be , how hard and cold to the people in their lives when a crisis like BC hits. Like some of you, I have kept very private about my bilateral, and all of the prior surgeries leading up to the " Big Magilla". Especially at work. When the surgery was finally scheduled and my MRI was very uncertain, the reactions of several people in my life were so shocking, I can say honestly it has been harder to deal with than the physical situation. My sister told me it was no big deal, and that if my reconstruction didn't work there are always other tries. She knows a woman who has had several failed attempts, and now she can see her heart through her skin because it is so thin. Information I really needed before going under the knife. Since I was big breasted, she also added that I'll never Need an " over the shoulder boulder holder" again. Then she felt my situation got too much atention from my parents, so she hoped I 'd understand that she would not be in contact with me.
My mother, in response to my request to tell only my aunt,....has told everyone she has ever known.Literally. All amped up as if my news were on a par with a sale at Marshall's. I'm serious. The dentist, the bank teller,relatives she hasn't spoken to in ten years prior, everyone in the neighborhood, anyone she has met in the supermarket. She even told one of my grammar school teachers. It got to the point where it began to be funny to me, because what could I do? Did she tell the guy at the filling station, the butcher, a guy I dated in the 8th grade? Maybe I should just create a flyer for her to hand out giving all the discussion points so she won't have to get bored with the same delivery to every unsuspecting sob story victim.
My closest friend from college completely took a powder when she heard months earlier I had some bad cells.
Entering counselling has helped me a lot, and thinking on the Buddhist slogan " Be thankful to everyone". Because everyone has something to teach you. I learned that these people in my life were acting out their own personal demons ( needs for attention, etc..) and that probably it had little to do with me in any real sense. The support I've received from women on this site has taught me that there is plenty of open-hearted generosity in the world...it just may not always come from the people in your life you would expect.
Moogie0 -
Can't believe I've missed this wonderful thread all this time. Here are a couple of good ones:
1. From an acquaintance upon my dx: "Oh, I'm sorry about your breast cancer. I had a friend who was dealing with this for a long time. She just died."
2. From my husband, who may be the most wonderful human being on the face of the planet, albeit an anal-retentive obsessive-compulsive maniac: When I told him that I had just lost a huge amount of hair in the shower, he said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry." (LONG PREGNANT PAUSE) "But did you take it out of the drain, cuz that could really clog up the shower!"
And here's one I read a long time ago, from a woman who divorced her husband right after her bc treatment: "Not only did I lose my tits, I lost my asshole too."0 -
Oh ...losing the asshole is priceless!!!!! I just laughed out loud!
Moogie0 -
He he he,
Made my day.
I have a wonderful brother in law who has signigicant brain damage. He lives in a community and we are very close to him. He kept asking about my surgery, and he would not settle for generalizations. So I told him that a mastectomy meant that my breast were removed. He waited and them he said" so how does it feel to walk around with no breasts?" well I asked for it.0 -
moogie, if I didn't know better I'd say that you and I have the same mother! My mother is a compulsive talker and she has used my bc as a convenient excuse for her to have a new thing to bend anyone and everyone's ear with. And yes, she has even called teachers from my elementary school to tell them. I finally had to quit telling her much of anything because nothing is sacred to her... if I tell her that chemo gave me diarrhea she'll include that in all of her conversations, or any other detail that you would think a person would know is sensitive. The woman still has no idea why I clammed up when I was a teenager and quit telling her anything.
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ouch,
I hope I can remember that, before I go around telling stories about my kids. Really some people cannot stand the DRAMA. I have a sister who is the same way. It is really uncomfortable leaving the table to go to the bathroom at a restuarant. I can just imagine what the waitress has heard.0 -
Oh I thought I had the only one!!!So sorry that you are part of our " Loose lipped Mama " club. It's a burden, and those with more restrained mothers have no idea what it is like. I am so sure that when I go to my hometown to visit now, everyone will be eyeballing my chest like a crystal ball. I have learned like you , that I cannot tell her anything after this mastectomy experience. At one point I actually asked her why she hadn't told all these same folks about the results of her recent colonoscopy. I mean , if the wherabouts of my nipples are good talk...I figure her colon should be worth at least 8 minutes of conversation with the gal at the bakery.
I didn't let her come after my surgery , because THE DRAMA is what she lives for....and I was in no way up to her hijinks. It isn't conscious , I'm convinced.....but somehow someway she makes it about her. She actually told me that she has gone through this " the same as I did" by knowing about my surgery and she didn't want to live anymore as a result . I told her she had to pony up a boob, and then we'd talk, maybe I'd push her off a cliff if she was still in the mood. Didn't hear more on that one .........
And as fate would have it....she created a mini -me in my sister...............
I have a great Mate, and he has gotten me through this experience. And several old girlfriends of more than 20 years the have lended support through the phone long distance. But in my case, family wasn't much help ....and my bigger fear after surgery was that my mother would get on a plane and surprise me. I had nightmares of her just showing up with a suitcase and staying!!!!!!!!!
Moogie0 -
Hi Moogie, I just love the comment about pushing her off a cliff.
My mum is not so bad but we were talking to some people in a supermarket and she told me in front of them that I shouldn't carry the basket as I'd just had a lumpectomy. Funny thing was I'd been carrying it for about ten minutes before that.
Hugs
Mags0 -
My mother in law likes to be the center of attention. She tells everyone about my BC and also about my son's upcoming surgery. People I don't even know. Recently she talk to a priest that said mass at her church. Seems he knows my priest. She told them her son is mad at God,he isn't just a little stunned right now. Anyway,I am waiting anyday for my pastor to call. He gave me a sad look at mass last week and held my hand a little longer. She means well but sometimes I wish she would keep things to herself..the drugest at her CVS even knows our story...her best is God only gives you what you can handel so you must be a strong person!
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I'm glad I haven't put on makeup yet today because I laughed until tears came when I read these two responses.
Lost my asshole!!! I have GOT to remember that one. Ginney, it's a great one for you.
Chelee, you and i will get over our hump, with our assholes intact but we may make them a bit sore!! It's amazing that he thought HE was the one that was tired of the tx. He doesn't have a clue.
I haven't had any problem telling people about the MRM and my Mom is from the "whisper Cancer" generation so she doesn't tell too many people. My MIL won't tell cuz then the attention would be directed away from her. So I'm safe on those fronts. This is such a great thread. human nature at it's finest and we get to vent at the same time!
Take care and happy shopping, Karen0 -
My poor husband, who is well meaning but clueless sometimes, decided to take it upon himself and tell a friend of mine he saw in the grocery store about my bc and mastectomy. Now, I had not seen this friend in a couple of years and we were more like acquantices due to our kids being friends. He told me what he did when he got home and I said, "If you had a penis-ectomy, would you like me to tell everyone?" Point made.
Laura0 -
You are singing my song!!!!!!
People don't think before they speak. Or maybe celebrities are on tv telling the most intimate details of their lives on a regular basis, and our culture has just developed an expectation for full disclosure of everyone's " private " information. An aquaintance, a nodding aquaintance...asked me specifically and repeatedly what had been done surgically. I told her: There's a reason certain parts of the body are called "privates" and I'm keeping it that way!!!" When I went back to work, a coworker who had been a royal ass in the months preceding my surgery said hello to my chest and kept staring. Too bad I couldn't get some of that tellow tape that says 'construction zone', and drape it across my front.
Moogie0 -
When I was first diagnosed last year, I got "support" and well-wishes from lots of friends and family . . . got told, "Call if you need anything." My brother's wife, who is an RN, even told me that she would be available to take me to one of my chemo appointments and that she really wanted to do that.
I thought these people meant it. I let them know when my appointments (chemo and doctors') were and how they could best help me. I had one person take me to one doctor's appointment BESIDES my DH. He was my rock, but as you can guess, he quickly suffered burn-out, being my caregiver and co-survivor (through two different cancer diagnoses in the past 4 years).
I created a "blog" to keep friends and family updated. I was supposed to begin chemo 10/19/05 but it was delayed to give time to have a port installed. I had the port put in 10/20/05 and began chemo the next day. DH took me to the "start of chemo that wasn't" and to the hospital the next day for the port surgery. He got shot at with a BB gun on the way home and flipped off by a Nazarene church bus driver (I kid you not). When we got home that evening, he was so distraut at the idea of going back yet the next morning that he posted on my blog these words: "Since I can't get a divorce, could someone step up and help me take care of Mrs. Bee?!" I didn't know he'd done it until he told me the next day at lunch, after my first chemo infusion. He apologized for it, told me why he said it the way he did, and that he didn't mean it and did love me.
Well, all he!! broke loose. I had two "friends" who jumped on his @$$ about it, even with me explaining why he did it. And now I have family who think I ought to kick him to the curb for it.
Oh, and no one helped DH at all. He took me to each and every chemo; he's been to almost each and every follow-up appointment (except when he was sick in bed and couldn't go). He is still my rock.
We will be married 10 years on Dec. 27. He has asked me to do him the honor of reaffirming our marriage vows on Christmas Eve, after services at our church. I have accepted.0 -
I've got a doozy.
I've been working throughout most of my treatments...and have tackled this whole thing straight up...have made sure my kids know this is not a secret, its a health crisis, we will deal with it the best we can.
So I was invited to make a presentation at my daughter's high school for career day.
The presentation was going really well, until I forgot midway what I was going to say. I made a joke and told the kids its chemo brain, how I can look someone in the fact that I've known for years and not remember their name. It created a little levity and the audience responded appropriately....polite laughter.
After the presentation, a couple of my daughter's friends came over, congratulated me on the presentation, asking questions about some of the careers offered through my work, rubbed my bald head, for luck, they said. It was really sweet. They were really sweet.
The teacher on the other hand, came over and told me "You seem so ALIVE." All I could think to say in response was: Well, given the alternative.
I could not believe someone would have said that to me. It was .....just....so.....bizarre.0 -
Yeah, that was pretty bad!
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OMG! I really thought I was the ONLY one with a mother who uses my breast cancer as a way to start conversations! Here is another thing she did: I was at the end of my treatment and she decided to get a mammogram-she is 70 and it was only her 2nd one (another story). So she calls me up the day before and tells me that she feels a lump under her arm and now she is worried that she has breast cancer. Then she proceeds to say, "I just don't know what I will do if they tell me its cancer." HELLO...just finished treatment-had surgery, chemo, rads, mast. etc. Then she told me that it would be worse for her since her boobs are so much bigger than mine. As the conversation ended she said that if it is cancer maybe she just won't do anything because she really does not think she could handle having no breasts. HELLO again!!! Then she tells me that it is horrible to get old. Umm...I am only 40 and would LOVE to live to be her age. I could go one with many more stories but I will refrain. You get the idea.
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OO OO--I forgot one which came from my mom. Reminds me of Carol's mother's comment (above) about getting old. The day I found out that I did indeed have bone mets (6 years post treatment), I had taken my mom to have surgery on her hand (carpal tunnel). When we got home, she started complaining about the hangy-down crepey skin on her arms (she's a youthful 68, but with lots of health problems).
She said, "Can you believe how old this arm looks? I swear I look like an old lady. Getting old is bad enough, but looking old is worse."
Well, usually with one of these vanity-based rants, I just keep quiet, but this time I lost it. I just said, "Mom, after today, my goal is to live long enough that my arms look like that."
First time in my life that I shut her up!! It felt good.0 -
Mrs. Bee, you have a keeper. Best wishes to you both!
take care,
--Hattie0 -
Hi all, I haven't had I big overwelming crazy thing said to me but I have had multiple people ask me "so whats your prognosis? How long do they give you?" Now I'm not talking about family and close friends - mere aquantences and people I barely know have asked this.
It just floors me especially at first when I didn't even understand my prognosis myself yet. I Would just stand there and think OMG WTF! Still haven't figured out a good one liner for those insensitive clods
but at least I no longer feel like crying when I hear that.
Sue0 -
I haven't heard *really* bad things either, but the sad puppy dog looks from people at work, whom I haven't told myself, drive me nuts. I ignore them--walk right by. And I'm really tired of hearing the surgery/chemo horror stories from folks. I do not need to know about your cousin's reconstruction nightmare and her lopsided boobs, the play-by-play of explosive diarrhea vs constipation, etc. Good Gawd, what are people thinking? Oh and my sister-in-law keeps insisting I rest. Huh? I've had a lumpectomy and don't start chemo until Jan. Am I supposed to be resting now? Do you get a bc diagnosis and take to your sick bed? I'm with Sue...at least I no longer feel like crying when I hear this crapola, but still. Sheesh!
Amera0 -
I have gotten the "what's your prognosis" thing as well as, "did they get it all?" I have yet to find a good response for these comments. My husband was outside one day several months ago and my neighbor (40 years old like me) said, "Is she gonna make it?" His response was: "That's the plan." I am pretty sure the same neighbor goes out of her way to go inside her house when I am outside-this seems to have started after I told her about having been diagnosed with bc. I think some people just can't handle it. I also think they look at me and get scared because I had no risk factors, was physically fit, etc. Probably makes them afraid it could happen to them too-which we all know.
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Carol:
My jaw is hanging down. Can't believe your mom's statements. I'm sure it sounded better in her head before she said it. When someone says things like all of these, I wonder if they think later about what they said. Doubtful.
At lease all of us up here can get a good laugh and understand how important it is to post things up here and then smile and say "how nice".
Karen0 -
I was just saying yesterday to my husband that I can't wait for my hair to grow back, how much I hate being bald. I also mentioned to him how hurt I was the morning I came downstairs joined him at the table for coffee and announced that my hair was falling out by the handfuls. When a few tears ran down my cheeks he picked up his coffee cup and went outside. Yesterday he said he just doesn't think it's a big deal - I was told it would happen and eventually it'll grow back; so he doesn't understand being upset. I told him I knew that I was going to have my breast cut off and being deformed still bothers me - so am I just over-emotional, since I knew before surgery what was happening? He said if there is nothing you can do about it, why get upset? He's such a source of compassion.
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Goodness, no, you are not too emotional. Just because you know intellectually what's happening, doesn't make it easier to take emotionally. I've said it before, but I think a lot of men pretend things are not happening/not that bad because if they woke up and acknowledged what was going on, they'd fall apart. I think it's a sign of strength to recognize and go through the emotional aspects of this disease. I'm not sure it shows strength to ignore it. Come here for support and know that you are not alone.
Health, Amera0 -
Thanks for your kind words. Now that I'm finished with tmt., it seems the emotional aspect of the disease is taking over and it's almost harder to deal with than the other phases. During surgery recovery and chemo you can concentrate on what's going on physically, now I have to deal with the task of getting over it and trying to put everything in its place. I'm hoping time will help with this perspective. Thanks again for your kind words.
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sjoc, I just read your post and your husband MUST be MY husbands long lost brother. lol But seriously now...my husband sounds JUST like yours. That comment about "if there is nothing you can do about it, why get upset"? That is exactly what my husband says. Even long before bc. But NOW this is much more serious and I would like HIM to understand what I am going through. If I even bring up anything about my bc...he just looks at me and then turns away and watches tv. I can tell he doesn't want to hear it...not any part of it. Which really upsets me since if this nightmare was reversed there is nothing I would not do for him.
I could understand him ignoring me when I mentioned something related to my bc if I talked about it all the time...but it ticks me off since I am SO GOOD about the topic & rarely bring it up. If I was going on and on about it...that would be one thing. But its not often that I bring it up unless something is really brothering me. Then I am sorry I did because he just makes matters worse by the way he reponses to me.
Your certainly not alone in this one sjoc. My husband gets up and walks off to when I bring up anything about it. Its either walking off...looking at me and then NOT replying...or actually getting mad at me and raising his voice and me and saying "Ok...whats wrong NOW".
That really upsets me...I am just suppose to act like everything is right with the world 24/7.
Hang in there...believe me...I know its not easy at times.
Chelee0 -
I keep reading that people sometimes have a harder time after treatment is over. It's easier to be active in your treatment, I think, then live with the fear that something else will go wrong. Can you look into a support group or counseling of some kind? I really think I may do this at some point. My husband has gotten better as things have progressed but I wonder how he will be once all is said and done. I can imagine he'll be relieved when this ordeal is "over" and not want to hear another word about it. I will have a hard time moving on after being so consumed with it. We shall see.
Amera0
