Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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This was from a radiology oncologist. I had to have a rads consult after finishing chemo. I had a MRM with a saline implant in June. First he asked, how was chemo. I stared at him for a while and said "It was crappy!" Later in the consult, we were discussing the chance that I would loose the implant due to the scar tightening. He said he couldn't understand why a woman would have implants and that I would lose it in 15 years anyway. So what difference did it make if I lost it in 15 years or now. Now THAT I didn't have a response to. Now I wish I could asked him if he would replace parts if he had the chance. Needless to say, I won't be doing rads.
Karen0 -
Wow! I wish I would have found this thread sooner.
I have a very good (if not weird) sense of humor, so I usually let things roll off my back, especially from people who haven't gone through this personally. But I have certain expectations from professionals that deal with "us" on a daily basis. The worst was just a week before Christmas at my first 6 month mammo. I was diag. end of May, put on chemo a week later, had a mast. in Oct.,and was half way through rad treatments, so I marched in there, wearing all the bravery I could muster, when the mammo tech asked me how I was doing. Well, I said fine, that, thanks to the chemo and prayers, my surgeon found no visible tumor during the surgery. She looked at me, oddly, as if to say, then why did you have a mastectomy? Then, with an overly concerned face asked me if I had a support group. I said, I had family, friends, and great docs, and bc.org. Then she said "Church?"
I said, "No, I'm not a member of a church ( long story short- my hubby and I are not "joiners",but are spiritual believers), so she replies," Oh,so you take whatever you can get?" That's right lady, because I don't fit into your definition of spirituality, you can now pass judgement on me! She kind of dropped it, then when they found a small cluster on the film, and I said maybe it was DCIS, she said "Now don't go self diagnosing!" What does she want me to do- shiver in fear for the 3 weeks that I have to wait until my biopsy? Of course, I'm going to go over every possible conclusion, just to steel myself. The topper was when I was leaving, she said "Have a nice holiday" because she obviously thinks that I couldn't be a "real Christian" and enjoy Christmas! Agggghhh!0 -
i thought I had heard some doozies, and this is a repeat from the Circle Girls postings, but my dh's ex jsut fed us a whopper this week. We told all of our kids, his and mine, about the impending bilat mast. The older 2 are from his 1st wife, The youngest is from his 2nd adn I have one son. We did it because we have no secrets in our blended family and although not the Brady Bunch, we all get along. I have lots of support from the oldest ss and dil. Well, the youngest ss went home to his mother's and she then informed us that he could not visit in our house or when I am around because she feels our house is a hotbed for cancer. It made me feel like sh** and put dh in an awful place. After his lawyer's intervening phone call to the ex, it is worked out for now. But boy, how much of a moron can you be these days.
As the comedian Ron White says, you can't fix stupid.
Beth0 -
Well, her house is a hotbed for ignorance. And while you can't 'catch' cancer from another person, unfortunately ignorance can be passed along in the home. It sounds as though your DH's son is much better off with you!
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LOL@ can't fix stupid!!!
I know what you mean about the "your so brave" thing. Because I didn't swallow a bottle of pills or shoot myself at my diagnosis I'm brave? No, I'm getting through day by day.
I was a vegetarian for 8 years and began eating meat again about 3 years ago. Not too long ago a co-worker asked me if I'd seen on TV that they've found that eating meat causes cancer...I said "great, Thanks! More guilt!" She didn't get it.0 -
Well, I'm new to this; but I'm learning quickly. The worse thing anyone ever said to me was: I was walking with my future-ex-daughter-in-law (thank God, they didn't get married). I'm bald from chemo, flat from having a bi-lat mastectomy, and poofy from the steroids and feeling pretty much like a freak. She says, Tim and I were having an ethical discussion about whether or not a woman with a bi-lateral mastectomy should be able to go out on the beach topless. Now, what would you say. I for the first time in my life was speechless.
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OMG Good! I know my dad when he was in the beginning of his chemo (he had bc) got the "you look good" all the time. At his funeral, someone said when they went by the casket (mind you the immediate family is all there, crying and upset) "you'd never know he had cancer." My brother, grief stricken though he was said, "we were going to tattoo on his head,'died from cancer', buthe never liked tattoos. So you should see waht we put on the grave stone instead. See you at the cemetary." Now not everyone was going to the cemetary because it was pouring rain in February in Philly, yuck! But after that comment, just about everyone followed us out there! The guest who made the comment? Speechless.
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Wow Beth! Both stories are incredible. One of my husband's favorite sayings ... "The Mother of Stupid is always pregnant!" .... seems to fit here.
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Marilyn,
I love that saying. Some people are trying so hard to say just the right thing, to comfort us, they don't think thru what is actually coming out of their mouths.
karen0 -
I love that!!! It's going up on my wall at work!!!
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Marilyn,
I wish I would have had that quote to say to my future ex-daughter-in-law. That would have been perfect considering she was studying for a PhD in Philosophy. I'll have to remember that one.
Chris0 -
isn't it funny how everyone looks up to us, says "your brave" or something dumb like ......" I wouldn't be able to go thru what you've been thru"
HELLO>>>>>>>>its not brave.....its called survival.
Its not a choice we all made, its a path we were destined to be on...while kicking, crying, and fighting all the way!
and I bet everyone that was held to the wall on a life or death choice would ...
YES..
go thru what we all are going thru without a doubt.
gotta love the comments of those who haven't yet been knocked over by this dam cancer crap... 0 -
Colleen,
You are absolutely right. I can't tell you how many times I heard that one. You have no choice but to be strong and fight not only for yourself but for those that love you. The other one that really gets me is when someone who has never faced this and I'm sure that in the past I was guilty of this as well, says, "I know how you feel". No, you don't know how I feel unless you've been there. Now I'm very careful about saying those words.
Chris0 -
I have had to laugh to keep from crying and cursing! IGNORANT people! OMG!I can remember a few (chmoe breain big time) plus most of which I have tried to foget and forgive...consider the source and cross them off my list of people you can talk too. One was from my own Mom, queen of worry. When I was going in for reconstruction, she said"Oh I just wish you have had them both taken off, then we wouldn't have to worry about it" After sharing with one woman that I would have a mast., she said"Oh well, you breast fed your baby, you don't need it anymore anyway"! She later apologized in person and thru a card. I hope she learned something. OH and that whole "you are so brave" "you are doing so well""You look good" sh*t.WEll I really don't have a choice do I? I did NOT want to share all the gross and painful details. I wish I could have gone far away and delt with it alone.
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GOOD ONE! Ive got to remember that next time im doing rads and feel blue. Thanks!
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OK I am not done, it posted it on it's own. ANYWAY..about DH's I can't say a thing about him during the treatment. He put new meaning to our wedding vows'in sickness and in health' He was everything I could have,wanted, needed, asked for and then some. BUT, now that 'everything" is over (well to everyone else it's over) He can't stand for me to talk about it! He does the walk away thing, the change the subject, roll the eyes, like 'here we go again'. On a date one night, I was sharing with him the fears I am dealing with now. He told me he was done talking about bc, he does not want to spend anymore of his time talking about it or listening to it, it is in the past and I needed to let it go. Find someone else to talk to, maybe get some professional help..but he was DONE! Needless to say, it was not a good date night. I was very hurt and felt abandoned. The after effects have been as difficult as going thru it. I feel like I was in the ring, the fight of my life. I won, but now I am waiting for cancer to sucker punch me from behind. I feel I am reliving some of the worst details that I did not deal with during the ordeal.
OH one more, does anyone else get the remarks (after your hair came back and treatment was over)"You look great" I must have looked like crap before. "so how's your cancer doing" like it is a freaking family pet! I had long hair before bc, now I always hear"it's growing back so well, are you going to grow it long again"? huh?
Now why would those statements bother me? Seems I am extra sensitive these days0 -
Total butthead! Mine just thinks that when i say if it comes back ill take off both breasts. He thinks id be maining myself.
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"freeking family pet" LOL, oh, I love that one!
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Hey Smudge,
First, I love "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty! I hadn't heard it in quite a while until a few weeks ago it came on the radio while I was experiencing tremendous anxiety after finding a spot on my first 6 month mammo. It gave me goose bumps, and I was singing it for days! (The biopsy came back benign!)
Second, that whole episode really showed me how sensitive and anxiety ridden I still must be under the surface! I should be flying high right now, but my stomach is still tied in knots, I keep having dreams about medical procedures, and I feel like my mind is "running with scissors"! All my treatments are finished, except I'm getting Herceptin every 3 weeks until August. I'm trying Yoga and meditation, but still having "moments"!
Also, my own onc doc asked me "How's your tumor?" while I was getting a treatment, before my mastectomy. Well, gee, if you don't know, how would I?0 -
One friend ask what side effects I should expect when I start chemo and I said fatigue and hair loss. She said "But your hair is so thick" and I'm thinking, yep probably have to get a plumber in to unclog my drain....Marsha
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I am reading all the others here who have heard the "you are so brave, tough, strong, etc." comments and I think sometimes they were the hardest to hear. I was NOT brave, strong, tough AT ALL. I cried in the car, in the shower, every morning, every night and many times in between. I hated that no one could see that I wasn't brave and strong...I was SCARED TO DEATH. The day they called me at work and gave me the date for my mast my boss said...Gee, I hope that isn't a payroll day!!! I lost it...went out and cried in my car and NO ONE seemed to even care. I know that they did...they really did...they just were so nonchalant about all of it sometimes. Oh...your having your surgery...wow thats great...you'll be all done!! I was having SURGERY TO REMOVE BOTH BREASTS...HELLO...TERRIFYING! That's why I'm here where everyone "gets it".
Don't get me wrong...my coworkers were wonderful but unless someone hears that big C word they will never get it.
Hugs all
Vickie0 -
Sometimes Docs said the worst things. I was having severe anxiety attacks after treatment not during or before and when I told my doc. he said it has been a month and you should be all over this now. We do not know when or if it will hit. He never did help me. I did it on own. Yesterday I went to see my GP for horrible headaches and he said how is your cancer? I guess it is all gone and you are all back to normal. I wish.......... I had not been to a doc in 10 months and it may be another now. Not even docs get it.
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I have to say that the good does out weigh the bad....but there have been some real stupid comments....I love for someone whom I have never seen say "You look so good!" I aways reply "Heck you should have seen me before with hair and boobs!" but the dumbest by far was from my surgeon...comparing me to another patient.... "At least you have the good cancer (Stage III-ILC/ 10 pos nodes) As soon as he said it he apoligized. Of course I asked is there a good cancer?
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oh yeah one more that gets me.... Keep a positive attitude!I feel like choking them! You look in the mirror and then face the world with a smile seeing what and feeling what I feel. UUUGGGHHHHHH>>>!!!!!!
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I've got one not cancer related from a surgeon. My stepfather, who has since passed away, suffered with heart issues. After his second heart attack, his heart surgeon who we all loved, walked in to tell him that he needed a second bypass. After breaking the news, he said 'i was just telling my nurse that we can always count on Al when business gets slow.'
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I only had one occurance with my surgeon. I was in the prep room for my MRM with DH and my older sisters (gorgeous, blond twins - 2 yrs older than me). I've been told all my life how gorgeous they are and that I didn't look anything like them. (ouch). I was completing a horrible month - biopsy, lumpectomy & SNB, horrible reports on that so this was while I was waiting to cut off a boob and dissect the axillary. Surgeon walked in, looked at my sisters then asked (obviously flirting with them) 'Are these your daughters?" There I am, no makeup, no sleep in weeks and scared to death and WHAM I get hit with an inferiority complex!!!!
I told him they were my OLDER sisters and that I hoped he was planning on using glasses during the surgery!
Smudge, I know how you feel about DH. My "Worse thing said" was by DH and i felt guilty telling it. He has been a total support through out this. just goes to prove that even those that love us the most, no hair, no boobs etc., can still have a "moment". Mine won't talk about my fear of recurrance. It weighs heavily on my mind but he just can't discuss it ... not stupidly, just an ostrich.
I'm sad there are so many of these quotes but glad this thread continues. It's nice to have a laugh and to know that everyone else hear GETS IT!!!!0 -
The horror stories are the worst. Everybody has one and they love to share. Its no walk in the park to go thur surgery, tamxofin and rads, but then to have someone tell u how their mother in law croaked right after makes it worse. And then they acted like their offended when u tell them u really dont want to hear it.
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One of the nurses at the first oncology center I went to tried to lighten the situation by saying something "funny." She was drawing my blood and said, "Oh, wouldn't this be funny if it came back negative?" I said, "Negative for what, cancer?" So not funny.
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I had to pick up my MRI disk and drop it off at my surgeon (different hospital). The receptionist was so nice to make sure the radiologist read the MRI and got it ready for me. So I arrive and she hands me the disk and says 'Have Fun!'. Yep, I'm going to have a blast with this disk and what it says...woohoo!
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She must have thought you were headed to the National Frisbee Tournament, maybe! LOL
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