Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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I started this thread back in May and all I can say is wow to the response! I finished my chemo/rads several weeks ago and my hair continues to grow--yeah! Early on, one of the oncologist I interviewed told me to think of my cancer treatment as a jail sentence I would have to serve, but then at the end of many months, I would be free! That guy did not get the job.
Pennyone0 -
There are many thoughtless remarks but one I remember recently was at the last mammo. The rad tech said for me to remember that now that I'd had cancer, I would need to be doing more monthly self-checks of the breast. It annoyed me but I politely said that with seeing two oncologists at the cancer center they pretty much did the breast exams for me. She sort of looked dazed and said OK. I guess she was being helpful but some people are clueless and say clueless things. I guess it is their job--whatever. Mine were micocalcifications that my gyn could not even find. She said how healthy I was 2 wks before it all hit. You never know! We all do the checks and the mammos and life is unpredictable sometimes.
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Iris0 -
I just finished my second 2 week stint of Xeloda. I was fine the first 2 weeks but this one wiped me out. I didn't go to work for 2 weeks and didn't do much of anything. I retired effective 8/24 and I was so sick that I almost didn't go in that day. I had told them no party but they had cake and gifts. I wish I could have enjoyed it but I just couldn't wait to get home. Before I left the receptionest told me that the top boss wanted to see me before I left. I went down to his office not sure what I was going to hear because he is a smart ass. He just looked at me and said "you've been great -- hang in there --You're going to make it" and gave me a thumbs up. I was speechless and nearly in tears.
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I am a school secretary and a parent volunteer who was also a nurse found out I had a lumpectomy and asked me why I didn't cut them both off! I was going to tell her it was none of her business but she preceeded to go on a rampage about male drs that don't fight female cancer agressively and how it was going to come back! There were other people there who just all stared at her. Then a very kind parent spoke for me since I was still too shocked to say anything and told her basically to MYOB! It took me awhile to get over it, I didn't even know her name! She has been so sweet to me since then but I still remember her little fit! I was trying so hard to stay positive and here was someone who didn't even know me questioning my decisions. You learn who to stay away from.
Sue0 -
I told my neighbor I had bc and she asked me, "have you lost your appetite yet?" I asked her what she meant and she said that she thought that women who got bc lost their appetites. Maybe she was referring to the chemo phase, but I didn't even bother to ask... so much for encouraging words! Dee
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This isn't the worst that anyone has said but the worst anyone has done. Fair warning, it's long.
My abdominal swelling was huge again and needed to be tapped. I called my dr on Friday and she said that she couldn't see me until Monday but if I ran into a problem to go to the ER at Millard Suburban. By Sunday afternoon I couldn't stand the pressure and went to the ER. I was examined and it was agreed that I needed an abdominal tap. The nurse came in and ask if I was having pain. I told her no just a lot of pressure. She said that it was the same thing and she would give me something to make me comfortable. A little while later she came back with a shot. I asked her what it was and as she was injecting it she said "this will take care of your pain". As I am telling her that I don't have pain, I am getting woozy. I told her that I had to drive home and she told me that was ok, this wears off fast. Then a medical resident came in and introduced himself. By then I was so far out he could have said he was the Pope in a second front job and I would have believed him. After he left I started to throw up. This was after the shift change and another nurse brings in something to calm my stomach. I ask her if the would affect my driving. She says "Oh you won't be driving tonight. You've been admitted." Say what!!! I'm still a little out of it and don't have much fight. So they get me up to a room and settled (sort of). The floor nurse came in, looked over my chart and says "have a good night, you're on for your tap first thing in the morning. But you can't have anything by mouth after midnight". Geeze, I haven't had anything that stayed with me since lunch and I had eaten before my previous 2 taps. Morning came and I hadn't slept. 8:00, 9:00 and I am asking people what is happening and why I haven't been taken down to radiology and I am getting no answers. Everyone is passing the buck to the next guy. So about 11:00 I went out to the desk. First I asked what I do to sign myself out. Oh you can't do that, a dr has to discharge you. I told the nurse that the last time that I looked this was still a free country and I could walk out of any door in that hospital. Said that I would give them until 12:00 noon to get me down and get my procedure started or I was walking and it wasn't going to be pretty. She came in a little later and said that they were on their way up to pick me up. That they had to bump a couple of other people because I was scheduled for 1:30. By then I had my clothes on and told her that when I got up from the procedure I wanted my discharge papers ready and waiting or I was taking names and the head of Kaleida was going to get a letter from me notarized by my lawyer. Lordy, Lordy did things move in a hurry. I went down and had the procedure -- tapped off another 6 liters of fluid. Then came the kicker -- I was not on the procedure list, no one had entered me in the computer so I wasn't scheduled and they didn't know me from Adam's house cat. I could have set there until next Fourth of July. The dr came down to radiology and did the discharge right there and gave it to me to hand carry upstairs. The guy that brought me up took it to the desk. An RN float who was assigned to the floor was the only nursing staff available everyone else evaporated when I showed up. She took it and had it signed by whoever had to do what, brought the discharge papers for me to sign and then got me a glass of orange juice so I would have something in my stomach during my drive home. I know I'm not the only patient and I know that I needed to wait my turn -- but this was definitely a major breakdown. I even wonder if that "pain shot" was really for me or if it was something for someone else. It could have dropped an ox the way I felt. At DeGraff they always check wristbands against the name on the meds -- no one checked me and when I asked they said that they didn't need to they know who is assigned to which bed. Any how I called my dr when I got home and told her secretary what happened. Dr. called the ER this morning and they told her there was a change of policy about 2 months ago but they didn't notify the drs. Dr. Early is just as unhappy about this as me. Anyhow things look good. She increased my meds dose because I am tolerating it so well. I will probably have to take this for a long time but the side effects that I am feeling are not from the meds but from the cancer. She thinks that my prognoses is quite good.0 -
Re: Previous post -- I used an email to a friend and there when I changed it to fit here, for some reason the changes didn't take effect. Anyhow you probably saw some name etc. that you don't have a clue about, Just ignore them.
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I had a friend who asked about the side effects of Xeloda..which I had just started. When I mentioned diarrhea as one of the potential side effects she said to me "Maybe you can lose some weight then". Yeah--these extra 20 pounds on me are a strain to look at, aren't they? I just shook my head. Guess she was trying to "look on the bright side". ????
Laura0 -
i recently spent a week away with family at our cottages in bayfield..........i'd been conspicuously absent for quite some time and the whole cottage community (that i've grown up with) knew of my dx/tx etc.
of course everybody wanted to know "did they get it?", "are you cured?", "how bad was it?" etc...........MY OWN MOTHER after day 2 of well wishes and inquiries, pulled me and DH aside and went......"next topic please, god enough is enough, it's over........"
needless to say i spent the rest of my week telling people that "i'll talk to you another time, i don't want to piss my mom off, my cancer annoys her"
my mom has since apologized.........like a good BC girl, i let it drop.0 -
my dad flew in to visit me in august, 4 days after my final chemo. it was the first time he had seen me since my diagnosis. i was sooo sick...very weak and in bed, bloated, 30-pound weight gain, steroidal "moon" face, bald, lost toe nails, can't feel my feet, etc. even though i know it's temporary, i've become self-conscious and upset about the effects of the steroids and chemo on me. hate looking in the mirror.
yesterday dad called me and said: "The only thing i recognized on you was your voice."0 -
When my results of mammo and ultrasound came back 'highly suspicious of cancer' I had to go back to my gp for a referral to the surgeon. When I got to the dr's office the receptionist (who I am friendly with) rushed out crying like a baby and told me 'you will have to fight - it will be ok' this was in front of oh around 10 other strangers in the waiting room and BEFORE I had even had a positive biopsy.
My emotioms were so high that particular day - I wanted to kill her..............
Vicky0 -
Wow! Should that lady be working in a doctors office? I hope the doctor gave her a good talking to.
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I have one to add to the list. I went to my boss the day after my biopsy results came in to tell him I was going on sick leave. I told him the results ofthe biopsy were back and that it was a malignant tumour. He looked me straight in the face and said "Malignant? Thats the good kind right?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I took a deep breath and said "No" and walked out of his office. You should have seen the look on his face. Priceless.
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When I went to my HR dept to get the FMLA paperwork to fill out for my surgery - the HR assistant said it isn't malignant, right? I said, well when you have CANCER that means it is malignant. She just looked at me and finally realized what she said. People often just don't think before they speak.
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I think that people mix up malignant and metastacized. People probably shouldn't be asking any questions like these anyway, and should let the cancer person decide what info. they wish dispense, especially when they don't know the difference between malignant and metastacized.
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This is not related to my BC diagnosis but to one of my reconstruction surgery. I had to have an x-ray of my chest prior to my exchange surgery.
The x-ray techs (I think there were 3 of them) took the pics and then disappeared for awhile. 2 finally came back and one of them asked "What do you got in there?"
Now this was in the hospital, expanders can't be that rare for someone in the medical field not to know what it was.
I felt like Frankenstein at that very moment.0 -
When i first got the call with my original biopsy results, my husband said "just whack 'em off!" He was doing his morning exercise on the treadmill and didn't even get off of it to hug or talk to me. Needless to say, I left him in the middle of my treatment and should have done it many years ago.
lulu0 -
Some people just don't absorb the information out there. They just don't pay attention. When my father was diagnosed with postate cancer, he came home from the dr, stood there in the kitchen and told me "Dr. K... said I have a malignant tumor (he wouldn't tell me where that was too private). Then he asked what that ment. I asked him why he hadn't asked the dr. His reply was that he didn't want to take up the dr's time with un-necessary questions. If I had followed my instincts at that moment I would be doing hard time right now because I could have killed the dr for not sitting him down and getting this in to his hard headed skull (friend or not) and my father for being so stupid and not asking because he was afraid of offending the dr.
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awww, diane. your dad sounds sweet. is he doing okay?
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awww, diane. your dad sounds sweet. is he doing okay?
That happened in 1980. He lived another 12 years before he passed away. If he were alive, he would have turned 103 on July 28th. Sometimes he could be the sweetest guy and other times he frustrated the whatever out of me.0 -
hi,
i took mom for her mammo and she was talking to a lady that works at the hospital she had surgury in. my mom has a few people on her side of the family the has or had bc.
well that lady looked at me and said i bet you are looking forward to that. like i don't worry enough.0 -
Wow!!pennyone.... incredible how thoughtless people can be without even meaning to be that way it seems. So how is your mom doing?
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When I told my step daughter,that since her last call to her father and I, my grandmother had passed away, my mother was just diagnosed with a terminal illness and given 2 years to live and that I was going in for surgery on Monday because I had breast cancer...she said: "Oh Jeannine, get over yorself!"
My sister said well, you better make out your will...I'd be happy to raise your son for you, but I know you like Jamel (our other sister) better and would probably pick her over me anyway!
My husband was going on and on about how bad his day was and I said "that's all well and good, but I'd gladly change places with you...in case you forgot, I have cancer and my mother is dying..." He said: "well, good for you!"
these 3 things from people who were FAMILY and supposed to love you the most will be FOREVER etched in my mind of how COMPLETELY insensitive and self-absorbed people can be! I want to tell them how VERY SORRY I am that my cancer is such a burden on THEM! Throughout his whole ordeal the person who has offered the most support and kind words and watched my 4 year old son so I can go to Dr.'s appointments has been my dying Mother!!!0 -
I just want to cry when I see these stories. It amazes me that people can be so insensitive. I've been through these experiences myself. (((HUGS))) to all of you.
Patti0 -
My mom had bc and a friend asked me if i was going to have my kids early because I would probably get it too.I no longer talk to her. (not for this reason. lol)
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Oh Jeannine,
My heart just breaks for you. Please forgive, but what a selfish family. Believe me, I know. Somewhere in this thread is my in-law story.
I learned my real family were not blood relatives, they were people I worked with.
I also gained strength from reading Bible quotes about strength. Cried a lot too.
I will keep you and your mom in my prayers and pray that you will find someone close to you to help you. Wish it was me.
Hugs,0 -
Debralynn - I LOVE your daughter! She's got to make you proud!
The worst thing ever said to me was by another survivor. I went to a local survivor support group. One of the things you do is give a short "history" of your situation. I said I'd chosen a particular PS. This woman immediately asked why I didn't choose "Doctor W". The real reason I didn't choose him is because I used to work at this hospital and knew his very shaky history. I didn't want to say that, so I just said, "I just felt more comfortable with Doctor J. She them said, in front of the whole group in a very loud voice..."Oh, I know! Doctor W really doesn't get along very well with fat women!"0 -
This girl said to me, "Oh you're going to have chemo? Did you know you're going to bloat up like a balloon, like unrecognizeable? I had leukemia when I was younger." I don't even know if that's true, that's just what she said to me LOL. I thought how rude!
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I do have a wonderful husband that has been great through all this. Still in love after 17 years and 3 kids. But last week at the doctors office (oncologist) He said "I guess if you have to have chemo I might as well quit my job". What will he do if this sh_t kills me? I guess he WILL have to quit his job. Guess he'll have to stay home and take care of the kids. I don't even think he knew what he had said.
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about a husband who says "I might as well quit my job". Sounds like a good opportunity to ask why he thought that. My husband would have lost his job if he had to be with me for every chemo, every rad, every appointment, etc. It just wouldn't have worked. So he came with me to the major appointments (surgeon and followup and first onc appt), and for the 2 surgeries. The rest: he's dropping me off at the cancer center for chemo in the morning and I'm arranging with a friend (a different one each time) to pick me up and take me home. And I'm getting myself to all the other appointments.
Mine probably THOUGHT the same (although he wouldn't have been as tactful as saying it out loud). But he would have been reacting to being overwhelmed at the number of appointments, treatments, etc. Many of us dont' react well to surprises. It wasn't a surprise to me -- I do research first (*smile*). But for him, I'm sure it wasn't a good surprise.
So why not use that as a discussion 'opener' to "how can we deal with this AS A FAMILY"? FYI: I'm going through chemo now. My way to help HIM cope is to cook whem I feel well enough, and make HIS comfort foods. Then he takes care of dinner when I'm not feeling well enough.
This disease DOES affect an entire family (even though it's pretty natural to then think "but it's *ME* it can kill"). True. But EVERYONE suffers.
Good luck
Janet0
