Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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How do you stay civil to your husband. I get in my car and disappear every night just to get away. I told my husband that I go out at night to get away from him because I hate being around him, and he said "What do you expect me to do about it?" He was sick 10 years ago - had a few heart attacks - brought on by a very unhealthy lifestyle - our children were ony 5 and 7 at the time. He came home from the hospital and stayed in bed for 6 weeks. I went back to work 6 days after my mastectomy. I have talked to him recently about how hurt I am by his lack of compassion, and thought I was almost getting through, but I was wrong. Again I was told that I don't have any reason to worry if I trust my doctors and take my pill every morning. I tried to explain to him whether or not he feels my fears are valid, they are real. Like you, I have rarely mentioned cancer or talked about it at home. It's like if you don't talk about it, it's not happening. This has got to be the loneliest time of my life. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Today while Christmas shopping I ran into an old friend who retired a few months ago. She was with her 80ish mom and told me how difficult it has been taking her mom to chemo, dr appointments, etc. I asked her mom what kind of cancer she had and added that I just had cancer so was curious how she was doing, (even though I had just met her). She told me she had colon cancer, then asked me what kind of cancer I had. I told her bc and she said, "Oh I had that years ago. That's a walk in the park!" I was so stunned since I have been through so many surgeries, side effects, etc., that I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether to be incensed/outraged or inspired because she was in her 80s. I still thought it was so unsympathetic, considering she'd "been there". My husband thought it was OK for her to say it since she had bc, but it would have been insulting to say if she hadn't been through it. I had to think about that one!
Patti0 -
sjoc, I swear your husband really is related some way to mine. He has been short tempered with me since my DX. (Like I did this on purpose to inturrupt and ruin his life.) Like I am having fun or something. How does he think I feel dealing with having a breast chopped off, exposed to all those chemo drugs, procrit, neulasta, feeling fatigued, nauseated. Going to 3 or 4 doctors appts per week inbetween scans & Echos. Plus STILL doing weekly herceptin. Then NOT knowing when or if IT will come back. All the uncertainity this causes. Its in your face all the time.
I really don't understand how they can be so cruel...and show NO compassion. I am a stage III'er with positive nodes and Her2/neu 3+++. But I am just suppose to act like all is right with the world. I wish it was that easy.
I know once during my chemo I believe it was my third treatment. It was day 3 AFTER chemo...the worse day as you must know. I was laying on couch and felt ill. I had to make a doctors appt and out of the blue he jumps up and says "YOU SEEM TO THINK THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU"!!! Oh he was pissed. I was shocked. I didn't know where this came from? I wasn't even talking to him...I was sick and making appts. I got so pissed I got up off the couch and finally got in his face and said "Your darn right this is ALL about me right now...I am FIGHTING for my life"!! I said "How dare you". I stormed off.
Your husband telling you that if you trust your doctors and take your pill all is right with the world. Ha. That AGAIN sounds like mine. My husband tells me to just forget about my bc...I did chemo...its over now. Just have some faith in God. (Its that simple if you ask him.) But its FAR from over...it will never be over. I still do weekly herceptin. I have to see my pulmonary doc this week and my surgeon. Then I have to make an appt with a cardio doc. Then I have mammo this month and MRI of brain in January. (So for these MEN to think we JUST take a pill and forget about it...its all over now...don't we wish.)
As you said...I have NEVER in my life felt SO ALONE. I heard when I started this nightmare about all the people I would meet and support I would get. Thats a joke...everyone I know in my life has disappeared. They all got REAL BUSY once I was DX. I am seriously dealing with this all by myself with exception to this board and one other. (THANK GOD for this board or I would of lost it along time ago.)
I really feel for you sjoc...I have a really good idea of what your going through. Breaks my heart to hear others dealing with this same treatment from their un-supportive husbands.
Ok...I will calm down now...didn't mean to do that. Sorry everyone.
I had a really bad day today...total melt down..it was a long time coming..so thats where some of this came from.
Chelee0 -
Chattypatti, That remark would of thrown me for a loop. I can tell you that much. But I would of let it go since she was 80 years old. But that is just so wrong of anyone to say going through bc is a walk in the park.
I can certainly say mine sure hasn't been. Maybe when she has bc is was caught SUPER early and no node involment...plus it wasn't her2/neu like many of us. So she didn't have to worry as much. (Although any cancer is always a worry..I realize that.) But hers might of been caught so early and she didn't have much treatment back then. Lucky for her...but NOT very nice to say to you. Geezzzzzzzzzzzz...some people.
Chelee0 -
Okay, had another "incident"Saturday at my daughter-in-law's baby shower. I was talking to my DIL's mother, her father had passed away years ago from cancer so we've been able to talk about lots of symptoms, etc through-out this "walk in the park". I was talking about the problem tasting foods, tastebuds going and coming, you know, the joys of cancer. She remarked that her father thought everything tasted like sawdust, which I agreed with. Later in the shower, a woman (who brought her 5 year old daughter to the shower) I didn't know from Adam, walked up to me and sternly said "Do you know what my daughter just asked me? She wants to know if her tongue cells are going to fall off too. You really upset her." I couldn't do anything but stammer an apology for upsetting the child. Then she stalked away. I can say I honestly didn't think we were talking that loudly and I didn't realize a small child was even close to us. in hind sight, I wish I had asked her if she explained that I was sick and that she didn't need to worry about it. Good thing my wig didn't fall off, huh????
Now I don't know whether to be upset that I hurt a child or upset with the mom. We just can't win this battle can we?
Karen0 -
To me it's the same as if you mentioned that you were in a car accident and the child overheard. Would the mother be upset if the child asked if she, too would be in a car accident?
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Thanks Lauri. I hadn't thought of it that way. i know I am being overly sensitive but it felt like she was blaming me for having cancer and for informing her child that bad things happen. I felt horrible and cried when I told DH about it. No one wants to harm a child and this stuff is truly bad news but it's really not our fault.
AND how does the mother know for sure that she isn't dealing with the same thing herself and just hasn't been dx'd yet???? It's a surprise to all of us, not something we planned.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I needed them. Karen0 -
You certainly didn't do it on purpose, so let it go. Now my question....why was a 5 year old at a shower? Were there other kids there? Anything for her to do? I would think she would be so bored...probably explains why she overheard unintentional adult conversation. Mom should use the opportunity to educate that young girl that some people get sick and lose their sense of taste, but she needn't worry about it because she is a healthy young girl. That would have put an end to it.
Patti0 -
Karen,
I don't post much but read lots on this board. Your story about the little girl reminded me of my 5 year old granddaughter. I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago at the age of 48 so she would have been about 3. A few months ago I came down with a good case of the flu. When my daughter told my granddaughter that she couldn't see me because I was sick, my granddaughter said, "Will grandma lose her hair again?" Kids are compassionate and are quite capable of handling lots more than we give them credit for. All they want is someone to explain what is really happening!! Don't lose any sleep over that mother's comments!!
Jaci0 -
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He said if there is nothing you can do about it, why get upset?
So he keeps his warm fuzzy feeling when his favorite sports team loses, right?0 -
Jean Louise:
that is a GREAT analogy!!! We are supposed to "deal with it " and they can rant and rave because million dollar atheletes lose a GAME.. This is only our LIFE we are "dealing" with.
Still laughing with ya'll. Karen0 -
Whilst paying for petrol, the female attendant told me my haircut was too short and didnt suit me (8 weeks after last chemo)
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And your hair length would make most of us up here jealous!
Karen0 -
I know I'm jealous!!
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It never surprises me anymore how people say such things.
I do not have bc. But I do have ADH and have been having alot of false alarms..
a well meaning friend asked me...Why not just have them both removed. It would be so much easier. and than you can just have them make you new ones in any size you want.
I guess she is clueless to the fact that you do not JUST get them removed. they do not come with velco.0 -
Oh yeah..I was also told I was lucky that only one of my daughters is mine bio. Since the other two are adopted I do not have to worry about them. HELLO...their history may be worse than mine.I have NO WAY of knowing..
SO they are all stuck with a mom that will bug them to do self exams and mamos.0 -
I guess that mother of the 5 year old would be really upset that I wear my scarves to drop my 5 year old off at school everyday. Several of his classmates have asked him what happened to his mommy's hair. He just casually says "Oh, she has breast cancer."
I just love him so much.0 -
My favorites have been when I told someone my armpit, leg & pubic hair had fallen out, she said "Oh, I'm so jealous!"...huh?
When I was first diagnosed, people said "Your going to be fine."...Huh? I'm going to be fine? Thanks for BELITTLING my experience and reducing it to the same catgagory as a zit.
And pep talks - who thinks they are welcome? I am so sick of pep talks I want to shoot the finger at the next person who tries to give me one. If I'm angry, depressed, happy, enpowered, sad, empty or just there, JUST LET ME BE THERE! I had a T-shirt made when I was first diagnosed that says on the front 'I'm not afraid of cancer' and on the back it says 'cancer should be afraid of me' - I can't even stand to wear it now because it feels like my own private pep talk to myself.
One thing that someone said to me that made me feel good - I chose to shave my head before my hair fell out - and one of my male co-workers asked to see my head and when I showed him he smiled and said "Oh man, that is SO sexy!" - maybe I should have been offended, but it made me feel good.0 -
My favorite is the comment "You're so brave". Huh? Let's see, I can do whatever it takes to beat this or die. Seems an easy choice to me.
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One friend called my dh the other day and said he hasn't called because he didn't want to bother us! And another friend who I wrote and told called me and said he has known all along as another friend told him - but no phone calls till I sent my holiday greetings with the news. He said since we didn't tell him he figured we were handling this privately!!! Come on - he couldn't call to just say hi!!! I can't believe I chatted with him as long as I did when he called. Both these people live out of state so we don't see them often. Puts it all in perspective. Yes and I agree with the other gals who commented about "being so brave" or that I'm a hero". Come on - we've just done what we had to do to survive. Happy 2007.
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Karen--
My best friend was dx with a lump over 2 years ago. I had a lot of trouble talking to her about it. I know now after hanging out here at BCO that a lot of it was survivor guilt. I am BRCA2+ and a strong family history. I was having trouble because I was glad it wasn't me and it also brought back too many memories of my dad's bc.
No matter what anybody says to you, if it is stupid, you can consider the source or maybe they are having trouble dealing with it too. i am glad Marge never held it against me that I didn't take her to chemo or rads but she did know I was there if she needed me.
Now I am facing a possible bilat mast as a preventative measure. Marge has been great in helping me through it by relating her experiences. I have gotten a couple "you are so brave" comments even from my own family! Again, I have to consider the source!
I have come to know that I will never hear these comments here!
Love and hugs,
Beth0 -
My mother came with me to the initial consult with the oncologist. During the appointment the possibility of a genetic factor came up, and then discussion about bilateral mastectomy recommendation due to my cancer not showing up on mammography. On the way back from the appointment, my mother says "I'm thinking I should just go have both my breasts chopped off now!" I was so horrified.
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I'm very active and race kayaks...I had just completed a 100 mile race so I'm in pretty good shape. Six weeks later I was diagnosed with very early stage hormone receptive bc. A "friend" has just emailed me to say that because of all my training I must have so compromised my immune system that I caused my cancer. She was concerned that I might go back and do this race again and get cancer in the other breast. I haven't even been able to muster a response yet!
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I haven't even been able to muster a response yet!
My response would consist of two words.
First one starts with an "f" and ends with a "k"
Second one starts with an "o" and ends with an "f".
Concise and to the point.0 -
Dear Shirlann: I also lived in San Diego. Happy New Year!
Would love to chat with you....Love,
Adriana
(Addie)0 -
My brother finally got the courage to call me several days after the family was given the news. Told me about a teacher we both had in middle school. "They just opened her up and closed her back up, it was every where". My response, very calmly, was "That doesn't really make me feel any better". I haven't heard a word from him since. No phone call, e-mail, card, nothing. Mom and Dad say they keep him abreast (teehee) of everything going on with me, I missed going home for Christmas this year but.........This from a deacon in the church. Go figure. Marsha
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lzcait,
Maybe an appropriate response would be "Cancer from kayaking? Now I've heard it all! At least I can fix my cancer, but you can't fix stupid!" OK, I know we'd never say that to someone, but wouldn't it be fun to think it? (LOL)
Patti0 -
Patti...that is so funny....I'm just worried that now that you have put it in my brain, it will come out of my mouth because I have a bad case of foot in mouth disease. Marsha
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After a co-worker overheard me tell my girlfriend I was diagnosed with cancer, he replied, "terminal, I hope?"
He was French Canadian and perhaps it was a funny thing for him but I was hurt. My friend was horrified and almost decked him.0 -
Patti...that's perfect...especially coupled with Aladora's. It's just a shame that so many are still so "stupid."
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