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Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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How's this? It was in the chat room right here...A chatter asked me straight out, knowing that I am Stage IV:
How much time do you have left?
I didn't answer, but left the chat room, chuckling actually...knowing what was about to ensue...Mena...xo0 -
Hows this one......
I had a bilat masectomy and was having trouble moving my arms over my head....i called a physical therapst to make an apt and the little gal that answered the phone asked me what was the problem. I told her i had a bilateral masectomy and asked if the therapst there worked with patients like me..she said "hang on" came back a few minutes later and told me "yes, he said he works with vasectomy patients all the time"
geezee I had to tell her again what I had and she said she had never heard of a masectomy! DUH........you would think just hearing my voice you would know that I didnt have a vasectomy!!0 -
One more to add. I saw my Opthalmologist last week for an eye exam. When he saw my scarf, of course he wanted to know why, Etc. I told him I recently completed chemo for breast cancer. Then he asks...."did it work?"
My answer..."that's the big question, isn't it? I'll let you know in a few years." This, from a physician!0 -
There have been many things in this thread that were said to me also. My (former) primary care physician's nurse asked me after surgery 'did they get it all?' I suppose if I had a lumpectomy, that's a pertinent question, but I had a mastectomy. I can only hope that the nurse knows what those procedures are!
What I'm about to describe isn't the worst thing that anyone ever said to me about bc, but it's the one comment that made me madder than any other.
Over a nice dinner one month into my chemo treatments, my friend kept saying, "God will take good care of you." At the time, God had been on my black list since diagnosis. I had already been through bankruptcy and a prlonged separation and divorce. With 2005 just around the corner, I had been looking forward to the new year with hope of getting my financial house back in order and having a dramatically better life than what I had left behind. Then I get blindsided with bc.
After being patient with several of the God comments, I replied to her, "God could've taken a whole lot better care of me and prevented this disease from happening to me at all!" She said, "God didn't cause your cancer." I said, "He allowed it! And don't tell me otherwise because I know you believe God can do anything!"
Thankfully, I am still friends with this woman and she was a huge part of my support net and continues to be. God's not on my black list anymore either. LOL He sure was at the time though, and my friend continued her beliefs but she graciously dialed back the God comments after that night.0 -
I was talking to my girlfriend about how long I could hide my bc from my Mom because she is so stressed out from taking care of my terminally ill Dad and she said 'until they put you on chemo and you start looking like crap'.
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Actually, a mastectomy DOESN'T always get it all, as I learned after my mastectomy last fall. Ironically, when folks asked me how I was doing after the second surgery, my answer was "they seem to have have gotten it all, but I'll be back in chemo just to make sure!."
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I'm not able to work during chemo, so the worst stories I hear are about all the "heroines" who work full-time while doing chemo! I have the utmost respect and admiration for those that can -- including my fellow chemo cruisers. But, it's a bit difficult to hear about it from those who have never been through it!
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Seond only to "cancer is a gift", I really hate it when women tell me about this amazing woman, whom I am sure is a urban myth, who [name your profession], not only practiced law, brain surgery, etc., but took care of her family, never missed a day of work, and remained cheerful, courteous, cooperative and calm, AND did good works to boot!
Anyone else heard about this urban myth? Of course, the woman bringing this up has never had breast cancer and mentions this superwoman after kindly asking how you are doing. I stupidly say I am burned and uncomfortable from radiation, or puking my guts out from chemo, or recovering from surgery, and then they bring up this amazing superwoman who made a court appearance by phone following a bilateral mastectomy! Aaargh!
Valerie R
P.S. Thank god no cells phones were allowed during chemo in case this superwoman was in the room during my 5.5 hour taxol drip!0 -
I haven't heard the superwoman myth yet. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. lol I was asked by my "friend", though, if I plan to try holistic treatments and how she was at a talk by a well-known spiritual guru who said his friend cured herself of bc by meditating in isolation for three months. Oh, and then there was the oncologist who when dx with cancer himself, refused all conventional tx and cured himself with alternative therapies. Sigh. I'm sure she meant well....
I guess most people mean well. Like my dentist, for example. He's been very nice and helpful, but his mom is also dealing with bc so it's personal for him, too. He said that bc is probably the worse cancer for women to get. Hmmmm. I assumed he meant cuz our boobs are involved, but what a weird comment.
Cynthia0 -
When I found out I have breast cancer and the kind I had was told it was the good kind of breast cancer. Mmmm I thought is there really a good kind of any cancer?????? LOL
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My dear sister works in a dentist office and a patient came in wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "stupid causes cancer" . DS was sooo upset it took every ounce of restraint to not go for the patient's jugular. After the patient left she called me in tears.
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O this thread couldn't have been more timely.... I was on the phone to my boyfriend earlier, and he said he came across a photo of me taken about 3 years ago (pre diagnosis) he said to me..."you were so beautiful THEN... you need to get back looking like that"
I mean is that the sort of thing you tell a women after she has had a horrible year and half of 3 surgeries, chemo & rads? Some men are so insensitive, I was having such a great day before that phone call. It still hurts to think about it. Sometimes I wish I brave enough to be on my own.
Melanie
xoxoxo0 -
Melanie,
I wish you could see how brave you already are. Fighting bc is by far your toughest battle. It does not get any tougher than this. You are definitely brave enough to be on your own. You are a survivor.0 -
Melanie,
Even the most caring mates can say the stupidist things sometimes but that was insensitive above and beyond the norm. If you can fight and survive BC then you can be okay without a man.0 -
heres a good one
when I was dx I asked my staff not to treat me any different(wasnt looking for any pity)so one day I wasnt feeling to good, one of my co workers told me to suck it up its only cancer,I couldnt do anything but walk away
Donna11220 -
My MIL phoned the other night. She wanted me to tell her I was fine, maybe so she could not feel guilty for her lack of support. I told her chemo sucks, I don't feel good, and no, I won't feel better after #4 (the last) next week - I'll feel much worse. She said, yes it's hard on everyone (meaning her?) but especially "you two" - my dh and me! You think!
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one of my friends emailed me today, asking why i would have chemo if the cancer hadn't spread
i explained to her the risk of microscopic cancer forming elsewhere, esp since i'm premenopausal
her reply? "Well, if it was me, i'd skip the chemo and just risk it."0 -
OK, the vasectomy comment was pretty funny!
I guess I was pretty lucky. I didn't get too many downright cruel comments, like some of you ladies have had to endure.
I absolutely loathe the God wouldn't give you more than you can handle type comments. This whole thing has just about made any belief in God that I had toast, and comments like that don't help the situation. God, should he or she exist, "gives" people things they can't handle every day. Horrible things happen left and right to innocents around the world on a daily basis. Breast cancer has nothing to do with a gift from anyone.0 -
True...breast cancer is not a "gift", but for me personally, I do believe there are "gifts" to be gained from the experience. The BIGGY for me is that I don't think I had a lot of compassion for women I knew that had BC. I knew it could kill you of course, but how does anyone truly know what a person if going through unless they are there everyday themselves. Even then, we can't know their emotions.
A very dear friend of mine who is 40 with 2 small children went through chemo this past summer and I wish that I had taken the time to be there more for her. Sure I helped, but I didn't truly understand. When she found out about mine this fall, she did say over and over how sorry she was that this was happening to me...and interjected that she would never have wished this on me or anyone, but she was glad that someone close to her would know what she was going through. I understood completely. I had my mastectomy before her and I was happy to be supportive of her.
I hope that I have never said and never will say anything that downplays what women are going through with BC. I do think BC is a unique cancer as most of us these days are expected (and do) to work, take care of our children, our homes and our husbands. All of these responsibilities seemed to be programmed into our brains. Luckily, I have a tremendous support system...I'm No Superwoman!
It's hard to read all the hurtful comments that have been made. Isn't it great that today's technology gives us this forum to share, support and even vent without judgement! I feel priviledged to have the ability to come here and learn from all of you.0 -
I did not get through everyone's posts...but the worst thing that was said to me...
I am more upset that you are going to lose your hair then your breast.
My hair will grow back my breast will not.0 -
The comment that rattles me is :"God never gives us more than we can handle".
I recently read that Mother Teresa said:" God never gives us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Ditto for me,
The other comment I am getting post surgery is you look great; you would never know that something is wrong with you, And there I stand with my left breast missing!?!
I know people mean well, but sometimes it is better to say
nothing and just treat me like an ordinary person.0 -
I just got this note in email this morning. It was sent by the HR partner of my company and I know she meant well, but puleeez!
<snip>
I wanted to recommend an awesome book to you that I highly recommend you read. I don't know if you heard of it, but it is called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne, the authors were on Oprah. It is all about how we should (and do) communicate with the Universe to get what we want. There are a few people in the book that have cured themselves of Cancer by using this method. It's about putting what you want out to the Universe, seeing it happen and actually thanking the Universe for making it happen before it happens. It's worked for me in my life countless times. We do it without even knowing that we do it, but this book gives us the formula to follow with more detail. I know you will find it helpful, I personally think it is the secret to life. <snip>
Now this person knows that I believe in God, so this puzzles me. Put it out and thank the Universe indeed.
Another 'new age' type friend told me there HAD to be some sort of negative energy in me to have drawn the cancer into my body. I know she meant no harm, either.
I am just the wrong person to tout a bunch of new age stuff to... and my friends KNOW it. Anyway... have a good weekend ladies!!0 -
It worked for her "countless times"? I would have to ask if any of those "times" were bc.
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Maybe we should start a thread on "The Secret"!!! I find it very offensive. Sure our attitude matters - how we face the day and interact with others and think about things makes a difference in our lives. But makes us have cancer or cures cancer? This line of reasoning is a cruel attempt to convince oneself that one has control. And we do not have control over everything in our lives! Now that it's been on Oprah, I expect the idea to really gain credence. Someone said it better than me on "belief.com" - article titled "The Hubris os the Secret".
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And "hubris" means overbearing pride or arrogance - I had to go look it up!
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I've gotten the cancer is a gift crap once too often but yesterday was a new one for me.
A woman at the gym came up to me and told me that if I would go lie out in the sun I could balance the redness on the radiated side so both sides would match. Stupid cow!
Thanks for letting me vent.
I would love to share this gift with them and see how they all feel after multiple surgeries, mastectomy, DIEP, dose dense chemo and rads. I'd love to hear about the 'gift' when they are covered with open wounds from rads!
Why are people so utterly tactless?
Valerie R0 -
Valerie, where can we return these "gifts"?
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Oh I have one. While visiting a family member that was doing chemo, we were sitting at dinner and they had brought up the things this family member was going through because of the chemo, when one of my kids tried to help by saying, my mom did that too and she did this and it made her feel better, then my child (8 year old) got interrupted and was told, well your mom only had breast cancer, its not like a real cancer like papa. And then the real tet la tet was, she should have just had them both cut off and be done with it, their just boobs anyway.
Now thats family support!
Hugs, ginger0 -
I'd like a refund too when I return my "gift"! Before this diagnosis I could have joined the "secret society of happy people". I am a very positive person with a very positive outlook so I guess I must be removed from whatever "universe" those other people are in to have gotten cancer from a bad attitude or something equally as far fetched! Give me a break.
Patti0 -
Hi Ginger,
That is really awful. I am sorry that you and your young child had to go through that. Your post left me feeling very angry on your behalf and on behalf of your eight year old.
All that aside. I hope "papa" does okay.
Take care,
Sandy0
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