Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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I totally agree!! I'm so tired of hearing that I need to stay positive, think happy thoughts, etc. Of course I want to stay positive! I actually am feeling positive but I am entitled to feel sad about this. That doesn't mean I think I'm going to die from it! My own husband actually got mad at me for crying about losing my hair. He said it was vain and selfish to care more about my hair than my life. I also had someone ask how I was doing and then say "I hope you're not losing your beautiful hair". Well, yes I am so now how do I feel? Oh yeah, I'm supposed to feel "positive".
Cyndi0 -
When I got the news, I wanted to share with only few close firiends but somehow the word got out, SO I wrote an Email to all my friends (close and not so close) saying Things are being investigated and I don't know what's next but I have lot of support from wonderfull websites plus we have many doctors in the family so I feel well nformed and strong. In other words I said I don't want to talk about it. Still when I go for parties people ask me was it lumectomy or Mastectomy? Has the cancer spread? did they get it all? are you having Chemo? You name it. May be Ms. manners need to put out some guidelines for such insensitive and nosy people. Dealing with curiocity has been as hard as dealing with the cancer itself.
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Actually, Miss Manners does have an ans. for them, it's : Why do you ask?. Really puts them in a hard place. They have to come up with a really good ans. other than just being curious.
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A man (my girlfriend's husband) askd me did they get it all? I smiled and said I hope so. The next question was when does the chemo start? When I get tired of these mindless questions while I am trying to normalize my life, I tell them I won't be able to explain everything to you but may be you need to call my doctor son and he can explain. My son is adoctor but not a BC specialist. True friends, stopped by with a dish or a good book and just left qucikly if I was takig a nap upstairs. It's time ms Manners posts some guidelines for all since 1 out of 8 is getting BC.
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My mother in law (a retired nurse) said: I knew he (your husband) was upset by the tone of his voice. You two will be just fine through this.
Hello??? Get through this fine? Your son is upset and we are totally freaked out. Thank god you live 3000 miles away and I don't have to see you! I dont even have a diagnosis yet, you don't have any idea.0 -
Is this a recurrence or is this your first time?
I was still in shock over the diagnosis. I hadn't begun to think of this coming back.0 -
Some of the hardest things for me are the things people say when they are trying to be positive and encouraging - like, "You're so brave," or "You're handling this so well," or "I could never do what you're doing." I don't think I'm any braver than anyone else, or that I'm handling it better than anyone else. You just do what you need to do, you know? But about "thinking positive" (I hate that one, too), a friend of mine suggested that I aim for about 80% positive over time, to give myself room for all of those other feelings and still stay in a strong, stable place. I loved her for that!
When people start talking about all their relatives who lived or died after bc, I usually just let it slide, but sometimes, when I'm feeling really ugly (that must be the 20%!) I start asking questions like, "Really, how large was her tumor? How about the nodes? Hormone receptors? What was her treatment regimen?" Most people think that all breast cancer is the same - they can't even comprehend what I'm talking about.
My family is terrific. I missed my sister's wedding because I had surgery on the same day, and she was wonderful about it. The one person who has driven me crazy is my dad. He's usually very generous and loving and supportive, but in this situation, he's turned it around so that it's all about his daughter having cancer. As in, poor me, my daughter has cancer and I feel bad. I just can't go into details here about the stories, but sometimes I just have to say I'm ready for a nap and hang up the phone!0 -
I was also going to add that I live in New York, and I ride the subway a lot, and sometimes people look up at me on a completely crowded train and ask if I want their seat. I mean, it's so nice to ask, but do I really look that sick? I thought I was looking pretty good!
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Hello, everyone. Reading through these brings back some memories myself. I am recently diagnosed, but I've heard quiet a few comments myself that I try to ignore. The worst one was when I met up with the first oncologist, he was giving me all the options and side effects that I can have and at the very end he said "you know that there is always adoption?". I am 29, just got married and we were trying to have a baby, adoptions was not on my mind at this time. I left his office in tears, I cried for hours. Evern if it has to happen in the future, what a jurk. Also some people that I work with are very insensitive. This one particular girl alwasy is full of queastins - why did you color your hair, so are you going to lose your hair, and eye brows, this can be fun - we could all here at work color your nails and do your makup for you. Oh my god. WHat is wrong with her. I am not dead, I just might lose some hair, I can do my own makeup. Anyways, I am just blabbering here, obviously this has been bothering more that I thought it did. I am learning to let it all go, bruch it off and go on with my life. Hugs to all of you, Sandy
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The worst one was my SIL (husbands sister) who accused me of choosing a 'designer illness' Excuse me????? Most of the others i can ignore as it is usually people trying to show you that they care but going about it in a keggy handed way. That one however took the biscuit!!
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Well who knew we had a designer illness???????? If you change your mind can you take it back, like a designer handbag?
I have a friend whose husband was killed several years ago in a horrible accident, leaving her widowed at a young age with small children. She said she was amazed at the stupid and insensitive things people would say to her. So when I told her of my diagnosis, she suspected that people would probably say stupid things to me as well, and I, too, would be amazed. She was right! Oh well at least I was forewarned....
I am a school counsleor and I often tell my students, "Just because it pops into your head, that doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth."0 -
I hate to hear about people who have died from any kind of cancer. Every time I see my MOL she makes reference to someone who had cancer and died. What to say?
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Nah - the refund policy sucks!!
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How about this - I went for a second opinion to Fox Chase Cancer Center with my one boob. The onc came in with breasts hanging out all over the place from her very low cut blouse. Is it me? Am I too sensitive?
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it bothers me when others tell me that they "knew" someone who died of breast cancer, or they "knew" someone who did not seek treatment and their breast became deformed. those things make me very weary.
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Oh wow, I have read over the newer posts and the cruelness and stupidity are truly astounding.
AND, of course, I have one of my own. My sister, when I called her to tell her I had breast cancer said and I quote, "Well, that's what you get for having all those mammograms!". My only sibling, and I didn't hear from her for months afterwards.
Being told to be "positive" or "upbeat" is so annoying. Especially those that infer that attitude (or lack of) was what CAUSED the cancer, is so infuriating.
Patronizing jerks.
Gentle hugs, Shirlann0 -
I MADE it through all 18 pages.
without this website I wouldn't have survived the
past week or so.
I am so darn sick of the stories everyone has,
like "my -insert relation here- had breast cancer and she
-insert outcome here- of it. good grief people! Most of the people I've told, have gone on to tell me about all their horrible ailments.. I have BREAST CANCER people.. I'm
not a leper, I'm not in the mood to hear about your aunt's bowels. I'm tired and depressed. I want to hear from my friends! I'm tired of the "i didn't want to bother you" line too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you that posted on this thread, I've laughed with you and been angry with you. Most of all, I am VALIDATED by you. ALL of you.0 -
I have also heard it all and I am really tired of hearing about how everyone's hair came in curly. I don't want curly hair. But after my recent mammo which came back fine (go me!) and my one month followup with the rads dr and my good pap, I was feeling very good about myself. I was dx in Sept 2006, had lumpectomy, mast, chemo and rads. Still doing Herceptin. Very hard and long journey it seemed to me. But someone at church asked me how my mammo went because she was concerned and we had been talking about it earlier. I said fine and told her that I felt I could maybe start putting this behind me (which I know I can't but it was hard to explain how I felt to her) But anyway, my best friend said behind me, "it's about time." I looked around to see who she was talking to and it was me. I thought, sorry to inconvenience you because I had bc. But I said nothing. I just told my dh I would not mention anything related to bc or my health to her ever again. Some people. . .
Bonny0 -
I used to go to a pilates class twice a week. My instructor's husband is a physical therapist. They are both pretty tied into the medical community and rehab. She called me up when I missed a couple of classes due to my lumpectomy and I told her that I'd been diagnosed with DCIS, she said "oh, it's just a little brush with cancer."
It feels big to me.
Cyd0 -
It's strange to me how the people I might most reasonably expect to be the most supportive are the LEAST available, and others are jumping to fill in the gaps whom I would have never thought of. Case in point, except for my parents and sister, I have almost no contact from family members, which includes 2 brothers, and my huband's 3 siblings and parents. I got an email from one brother about 8 weeks ago, just before my first chemo, and the other one emailed about a month ago. Nothing more from either of them. Yet there are people at my church I've never even talked to who bring meals, write letters, call me, pray for me, hug me, and do all manner of incredibly helpful things, mostly just loving me. Just why is this, exactly? I don't get it! It's hard not to focus on the absence of my brothers, who seem to think they're bothering me if they write me an email. Anybody else have this experience, or insights?
Amy0 -
Amy, you're right that it is weird (and totally unpredictable) who will (or won't give us the support we need.
Along w/ that (at least I think), is that each of us needs different things. For those of us trying to live in denial (at least not when being actively treated), to have it be ignored (or made light of) might be heaven. For those of us that have incorporated the diagnosis and feel personally transformed by it, to have it made light of is an affront of nearly epic proportions!
For instance, if you were determined to demonstrate "independence", you might be offended by the church people if they insisted on bringing meals, etc.
I think the important thing is for the person who wants to support to ask (or even better, suggest) what kind of support they'd like to offer...and then listen to the answer!
On your brothers...it sounds like you think that they think they might be bothering you. So tell them what you'd like from them. Unfortunately, none of us (including your brothers) are mindreaders! As long as you love them (and feel they love you), tell them what you'd like. For instance, if it would help to have an e-mail from a brother as you come home from treatment, tell them that, and give them a copy of your treatment schedule. If you want a phone call two days after, tell them that! If they're local, and you need someone to take your car in for an oil change, ask them.
Lots of people will ask you "is there anything I can do?" And we usually smile and shrug our shoulders. I read a very interesting book (whose title escapes me) which suggested that one of the people you should ID as a cancer patient is someone who is willing to act as your advocate. That person should have a list of things you do need help with, so that when you get the "is there anything that I can help you with" question, you can say something along the lines of.
"How lovely of you! I have such good friends! [ADVOCATE] is coordinating the things I need help with...could you check w/ him/her? I really appreciate your willingness to pitch in!"
And give them a hug.
And have a hug from me!
LisaAlissa
ETA: or even better, instead of "could you check w/ him/her?" substitute "I'll have them give you a call"...and then do!0 -
LisaAlissa,
All great ideas, and all have been used over here!
I have awesome advocates who coordinate care for me, and anybody who asks if they can help, I immediately put them in touch with my "people". I've told my brothers what a huge difference it makes when they do email, and that they should never feel they are bothering me, and that I would welcome hearing from them any time, and like to get uplifting messages, etc. but it doesn't seem to change anything. So I just accept it as their comfort level and let it go, although it does sometimes bother me, obviously. Oh well! 0 -
Hi Amy,
Sounds like you have a great team assembled!
If you wanted to try again with your brothers (who sound a lot like my brother...). Try telling them when you want to get e-mail from them...specifically. The "anytime" may be the problem. (When I got onto my brother's calendar (for specific dates/times, I hear from him, when I don't, he "forgets.")
It might not work, but I thought I'd pass it along...
Hang in there (whether or not your brothers "get with the program"!)
LisaAlissa0 -
I love this thread! I probably have responded to it before. But alas after only 6 months in remission, my cancer has returned...
anyway my husband told my brother in law and he said, "oh she will be fine". This flippant response just brought all of the memories back of what people said to me the first time I got diagnosed. I was astounded how casual people were about cancer.
Here are some of my favorites:
"you will be fine" heard this too many times..
"BC is curable so don't worry"
"my aunt had bc and she is fine now"
"in 18 months it will be all over and you can get back to your normal life"
Finally it got to the point (think it was when i was on steroids) where i got so sick of hearing that i would be fine that I snapped and said "i don't have a cold you know, this is cancer and I am not fine and will never be the same after this experience." That shut them up...and it felt good to say it.0 -
I've related the pollyanna responses to the same responses I have heard given to women who have miscarried or aborted. Unless it's happening to you, no one understands. They just don't.
The one I kept hearing and just couldn't understand WHERE they got their information: Well, at least they got it early. HUH?? My lesion was 1.9cm. And who told them they got it early???? I sure as hell didn't. And I never told anyone how big it was.
Oh, well, I'm almost 5 years out, just waiting for the other shoe to fall.0 -
I think this has to be the all time winner. I told a colleague that I had breast cancer and she said, "My mother-in-law had that. She was dead in 12 weeks." This was so stupid, I laughed to myself especially since I expected to live a little longer than that. It's already been 4 weeks since I told her.
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The first week I was diagnosed I received a card from a close friend of many years that said..."This sucks but I am sure things are worse in Iraq"...yes, I have no doubt that they are. Although I know she said this in fun, I promptly started my list of stupid things that people say. And here I sit fighting my own personal war...in Phoenix.
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How about when a friend likens your bilateral mastectomy to the time she had her bunions removed????
And then there is one of my very dearest friends, who lives out of town. When her mother was very ill and dying, I was there for her, as I was a few years later when her father was dying. We would email all of the time. Often, several times a day. She always told me what a good friend I was being. I certainly didn't do it for the praise, I did it because she was my friend. Now here I am with BC - I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard a word from her. She told me a while back that she doesn't like to email anymore. Apparently she doesn't like to phone either. One of our mutual friends (whose mother is also in treatment for BC) called her several days ago and told her she was being a bad friend! She said she had a lot going on at work and hasn't had time to get in touch with me. I still haven't heard from her.
I am trying not to be hurt, thinking maybe she is just overwhelmed because her father had died of cancer, everybody deals with stuff differently, etc. etc. but it is starting to affect my feelings toward the friendship, which now I'm afraid will not ever be the same.
This was supposed to be a short little message and I ended up venting.
Thanks for listening, ladies!0 -
Yeah another good thread is losing friends because of having cancer.
Your story is similar to some of mine. I had one friend who barely called me (have known her for 20 years) and then she sends me a bday card with how she had such a rough year because he hubby lost his job and they had a water leak in their house. I was like HELLO I HAVE CANCER. I probably lost about 5 or 6 friends after I got cancer. They did nothing..did not call..did not write..NOTHING. So I just never got in touch with them again...and "POOF" they are gone. This was one of the hardest lessens I had to learn during this process.0 -
I told someone about my mastectomy. I had to have one the same year my Mom passed away from breast cancer! Anyway, someone then proceeded to tell me in DETAIL all about their breast biopsy and how upsetting it was-turned out to be benign. Good news for her, but why did she gloss over my much worse news to tell me every horrible little thing about her biopsy which turned out fine? Some people are insensitive!
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