Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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Yeah, I'd like to exchange this 'gift'. Where's that cosmic customer service anyway??
I am intrigued by the law of attraction ideals. Like the poster in Mulder's office said, "I want to believe." At the same time, it smacks of blame-the-victim mentality. Oh, you have cancer? What'd you do to get it?
Quite frankly, I believe that if the law of attraction worked, I wouldn't have ever had bc in the first place. I have a family history for it, and I also have a family history of people who worry themselves into a tizzy. I have worked all my adult life to NOT worry about life threatening illnesses. I have believed all my adult life that good health IS mind over matter. So why did I get bc??
For some reason I was reading a Wayne Dyer book two months ago. One of his success stories was a woman who was diagnosed with advanced stage ovarian cancer. She went into the woods for three months to meditate and that was how she survived her cancer. You know, I'm willing to contemplate the possibility that a person might be able to accomplish a cure for a serious health condition with positive thinking, but who among us can move from this point forward believing we hold the power to heal ourselves without one iota of doubt EVER? I *want* to believe that, but I have a voice in my head saying 'what if it doesn't work?' Clearly, I'm a law of attraction failure. LOL0 -
Althea, I think all this "the Secret" and "law of attraction" stuff is a good idea gone bad! Yes, our attitudes make a difference in our lives, but just reading these boards shows that all kinds of people get cancer - it is no respector of class, age, emotional or mental health or anything else.
I am very skeptical of these stories of people who are healed through their thoughts, diet alone etc. What did they really have? Do we really know? These stories are anecdotal only - no evidence. Surgery/chemo/radiation have been proven to cure cancer (yes, I used the word "cure") or to prolong life. But, as we all know, they are not perfect.
I think there is a large dose of "blame the victim" in these ideas - because we would all like to believe that we can control the uncontrolable. To give up this belief is scary. That said, I did and do all I can to benefit myself and stay healthy.
Forcing oneself to be "positive" all the time is counterproductive - we will have all kinds of negative emotions because we're human.
I too am a law of attraction failure - I suspect we all are!0 -
The day I was DX with BC. The surgeon who preformed my stereotactic biopsy told me I had DCIS and "it was over my head I would not understand what DCIS meant". Proved him wrong and never went back.
Wing Girl0 -
Okay, here is another pet peeve of mine. I hate the way my hair looks right now growing back in, and whenever I say I don't like it, friend tell me how much they like it. I have tried to explain to them that I appreciate their support, but they are negating my feelings when they do this. One woman keeps telling me my hair looks 'fierce'. I have never wanted to look 'fierce' in my life! I know this is minor next to comments like 'cancer is a gift' and asking if I'm going to give up my job in law to do good works now I have realized what a gift cancer is, but honestly! What do you say to people who negate your feelings? I have repeatedly said this is not a look that I am comfortable with and I can't wait until it grows out, to no avail. Also, none of these people look like Bill Clinton, and I do!
Thanks again for letting me vent.
Ah yes, the gift that keeps on giving!
Valerie R0 -
Hi Valerie,
I would like to validate your feelings and tell you that I UNDERSTAND where you are coming from. I hated being told "You look great" when I was doing chemo.
I don't know what you can really do about this but I can tell you what I did. I kept my feelings to myself most of the time with most friends and aquaintances. I did this to protect myself fromt the hurt of glib remarks and the lack of validation. Even though I really needed to talk I found that keeping it in was the less painful route. I chose one or two close friends to talk to, I joined a support group and of course I came here. I guess it was a bit like "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." I am not particularly religous by the way, but I realised I was never going to be able to change people.
I hope your hair grows back real fast!!!
Take care,
Sandy0 -
Valerie,
The good thing is that hair does grow. And it will continue to grow and look nicer as it comes in. When my hair was coming in (and it was still very short) a guy from work that I hadn't seen in months, walked by my desk and said, "what happened to you? Did you get gum stuck in your hair?" I was in shock with my mouth hanging open. Luckily, he didn't wait around for an answer. By the time I realized what happened I could not stop laughing.
Some people are clueless- what can you do but laugh at them!
Linda0 -
So this old guy who is a friend of my mom's came out to visit at the ranch today and I had a cap on my head because I'd just come in from working in the yard. He said, "Take your cap off. I want to see if you got any of your hair back!" Well, I've actually had my hair back for over a year now and I've had 4 or 5 haircuts to keep it short because I don't really like the curliness of it when it gets longer. I kinda got used to the ease of short hair and I LIKE it. So he says--"Well, I guess you got a little of it back!" I just agreed with him and put my cap back on. I guess I should have had some pictures taken when I had the Pollyanna ringlets down to my shoulders before the first haircut and then I could have shown him that I Majorly got my hair or I should say Someone's hair back a long time ago!! Oh, Well, Life is Good
Smiles NancyLee 
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Hi girls,
This thread is such a prime example of how needed these boards are. Kinda like walking a mile in someone elses shoes, friends mean well, strangers for some reason feel compelled to share thoughts that help no one or make anyone feel good but those of us here totally get. I think, these boards and local support groups are needed during and after treatment.
I worked in a grocery store at night when I was going through treatment and complete strangers would come up and rub my head when the hair started coming in and tell me how nicely it was coming in, like they were my best friends but in reality I didn't know them from Adam, I actually didn't mind so much though. I really didn't mind the encouraging positive things like that it was the other things...the "well your lucky" or the "what I could have done" or all the other stupid stuff that people say that have never been there done that.
BTW Sandy, thank you, however papa did die, he was suffering from pancreatic cancer. He didn't mean bad, but did feel bad for his wife's and daughters's comments to me and my daughter. He is missed.
Ginger0 -
Ginger, I am sorry to hear that.
Take care,
Sandy0 -
I took a deep water aerobics class after my first time of going through chemo and I wore a hat over my very bald head. I didn't know anyone in the class. A lady paddled up to me and said - 'So, you don't want to get your hair wet, huh?' To which I responded, 'No, I just finished chemo and I don't have any hair.' She looked shocked - didn't say a thing, and paddled quickly away. It was all I could do to keep from laughing. Jacque
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One of my worst things said was from my sister-in-law. We were at a family get-together when I was in the middle of six months of chemo. I always tried to look my best and not complain - she looks at me and tells me my husband sends out the worst "doom and gloom" emails to the family, but I am fine! I guess because I lost 27 pounds in chemo (really, really sick), chemo peeled any imperfections off my skin and I had perfect (uh... wig) hair she could determine my health! My husband said after that he just gave up with them - they chose not to understand.
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"Maybe this way youll lose some weight."
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When I was diagnosed with DCIS and facing bilateral mastectomy, I shared with a church member that I was scared. She is in the medical profession and said, "I am scared for you, too!" I freaked out, thinking she knew something I did not know. I have not gone back to that church since. I did not need an almost complete stranger to get in my fear with me. I needed folks to feel with me, but mostly to reassure me and offer to pray and support me in all that was happening and would happen!
Thank God, I am doing well and cured...cancer-free...so now I am considering reconstructive surgery but my Amoena breasts look ok so I may do nothing. More surgery does not sound like fun right now, but I am still checking out my options next week, esp. since I have met all my insurance deductibles and everything is free now!:)
Hang in there, everybody!
Chris0 -
debra, your daughter is brilliant, love her response. Another response for stupid questions is, oh, let me check my crystal ball....
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My dentist told me, on my first visit after chemo finished, every story of cancer death that he could think of. "My aunt had that....she was such a nice lady...she died." He then advised me to read The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I was not even mad because he really thought he was being a caring person.
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There have been so many bad/stupid things said to me in the past 2.5 years that I try and respond to the person equally as stupid as their comments are.Works every time.
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I am new to this web site...and new to BC (dx IDC 3/5/07). I will likely hear much worse comments in months to come. A consistent Question I hear and I do not like is "How did you get Cancer?"
It is probably just me and the way that comment targets me. I think I am still in denial. I have no family history, exercise, eat healthy, no smoke no drink).
So I reply something different every time..."too much Diet Coke" ... "it's in the tap water.." ..."they'll figure it out at the autopsy".
This is a wonderful place and we are all lucky (in a way..) to have BC now (vs 30 yrs ago).
Anne0 -
Just returned to work following 2 lumpectomies, 4 mos. dose dense chemo, mastectomy and DIEP, and rads. Everyone is telling me how nice it is that I have 'slimmed down'.
The other thing that amazed me is all the petty behavior and bullshir was there from day 1 again. Somehow I thought breast cancer would have given me at least a few days reprieve from the bs!
Valerie R0 -
Right after my last burglary(not home,thank goodness),perps cut the burg alarm system;jimmied door and stole stuff,etc.I was freaked out to put it mildly with rubber knees,etc.
Anyway, a "friend" listens to me tell details and says to me: "Great to hear from you,give me a call in about a week!" What the heck--I am freaking out with doors that don't lock and violation of my home,la,la,la,la...Do I have stupid tatooed on my forehead? Maybe...won't call her,for real.
Had some thoughtless stuff said to me during bc treatments,too..try to keep in mind that stupid just can't be fixed and it is all relative! My father used to say put your mind in gear before your mouth flies open! Not that I usu did but good advice(JMO).
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Iris0 -
How about "I had a grocery store coupon"?
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I've had amazing support over the last almost 6 months. However, I was taken back when a man I barely know said to me, "I heard you have breast cancer. Do you know where cancer comes from? Sin." He quickly went on to clarify that maybe it wasn't directly MY sin...but maybe God needed to teach someone close to me...maybe family or close friends...through this experience. I thought he was so absolutely sick and off the wall that I had to simply smile as I walked away, knowing that he had so missed the mark. My faith in God is so very strong, and this man's very odd thoughts were not going to sway me.
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After I received the news that I had cancer and scheduled my mastectomy, I had a mammo and u/s on my other breast which came back suspicious. I discussed it with my surgeon and we both felt it would be better to have the biopsy after the mastectomy.
My boss and co-workers called several times telling me not to rush back, but the sooner I could come back to work the better. I went back three days after my drains were removed...I was out a total of 8 days. Probably would have gone back on that Wednesday, but my daughter had come to stay with me and she was going home that day, so I went in for half days on Thursday and Friday (mostly because I couldn't handle wearing a bra all day) before going back full time the next week. One co-worker seemed surprised I was only working the half day on Friday. On top of all that...when I took a day off for the biopsy of my remaining breast (thankfully B9), another co-worker commented that she thought I would have taken care of that while I was "off".
Then of course there was another co-worker that told me she knew how it felt to have cancer because she once had an abnormal pap smear and she thought it was cancer. I worked through chemo and rads, only taking time off for treatments and appointments and a few days where I just felt too crappy to go in. I was surprised..the people I least expected it from were great..where others...let's just say that compassion isn't one of their finer qualities.
Also had a "friend" who was a breast cancer survivor who got mets after 10 years of Ned. She kept telling me it was a shame I wasn't lucky like her since she had no node involvement when first diagnosed and did not have to do chemo or rads at that time and continually talked about people who died from bc...even though I repeatedly told her that wasn't a good topic for discussion. She also told everyone she knew...while I was't keeping it a secret, I felt it was my choice and told her that, but she still kept telling everyone all my business...had to dump her after a while because she was so toxic. I felt a bit guilty because of what she was going through, but just couldn't handle all the negativity. I felt bad for her because she had pretty much reached a point where she was giving up...but she was acting like we should both feel that way and I was working hard to stay positive.
Liz0 -
I am so sick of people at work telling me "WOW, you look great!" I have no hair, no eyelashes, dark circles under my puffy red eyes., peeling dry skin, pale, bloated...... Yeah I look just great.
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A former boyfriend (and this isn't a kid, this is a man in his 50s) came over uninvited, unexpected, and begged to have sex because it could be "the last time". I told him to get out.
Yeeesh!0 -
I, too, am tired of being told "but you look wonderful" and the covert looking at my chest to see if the surgery shows. The worst though is those folks who tell you, right off the bat, that I must focus only on positive things. I want to say "if you don't want to talk about it, say so"
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I am out of work on disability and I have heard over and over, "I knew someone on chemo and she worked straight through." I feel like I am being accused of playing hookey or just not wanting to work. My company does not tolerate leaving early or missing days. I'll probably be going back soon, but I am worried about working 40 per week. We'll see.
Miss S0 -
First of all .. people are weird. If that were not so, America's Funny Home Videos would not have lasted 18 years.
Second, God's greatest gift may be our sense of humor. You know He has a great one .. ever see a giraffe or platypus? Or an Angler fish?
Third, Fourth and Fifth:
No one on this planet is any better 'n you, regardless of what they think ~grin~
Bill Gates' fortune could not buy the things that truly matter in your life.
You, m'dear, have survived cancer.
Now, that said .. the worst thing said to me since my cancer diagnosis was from a grocery store clerk .. cute little mid-20'ish cheer leader-variety gal.
After writing a check for groceries and submitting my driver's license .. this loutish wench looked at the photo on my ID (pre-chemo) and looked at me .. then did so again...and again...and again and again.
Smiling, I said .. 'it's me, honest!' She made a disgusted face and blurted out in a voice loud enough for people three aisles over to hear 'My God! WHAT happened to you?!'.
Never losing my smile, I replied ..
'chemotherapy .. ... .. and you?'
Take a cue from Ann Landers .. the best way to deal with boors is deflect their commentary, smiling all the while.
(PS: before chemo, a 118-pound/size 6 athlete with waist-length auburn hair; during chemo, I gained 60 pounds -- who GAINS weight in chemo? -- After chemo, still overweight and hair is battleship grey. Fortunately I'm a Navy vet .. we like battleship grey. I'm guessing it's a good thing I was not a Marine...my hair could have come back a peanut butter 'n pickles-colored camoflauge.)0 -
my mother started talking about this fabulous bra she just discovered. i had my mastectomy in 2004 and the cancer came back in 2006 and i just finished chemo. needless to say, i have no use for a "regular bra".
i kept telling her "oh, that's nice, but i'm really not interested." she kept yapping on and on. i told her "that sounds great, but i'm not really into this." still yapping. finally, i told her "i can't use it because i need a DIFFERENT kind of bra. you know, DIFFERENT.
awkward pause of silence.
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When I got my port in, for the next week or two it just felt strange and took awhile getting used to. I was walking to the ladies room with one of my colleagues and just telling her about how strange it felt. Another colleague who was nearby and heard our continued conversation in the bathroom about having to start chemo and all said from her stall in kind of an agitated tone, "Well, it could be worse"! After my moment of dumbfoundedness I said back to her from my stall, "Yes, I guess I could be dead." Then laughed a bit to ease the tension. I'd say that was probably the worst thing someone said to me. I don't mind the pep talks or the nice words and I love the prayers. I just don't understand meanness. So I'd rather think that maybe she was having a bad day herself and she knew someone who was worse off. In that case, yes, I know it could be worse. I'm almost 2 years from diagnosis and so far I've been very lucky.
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an aquaintance told me not to worry. "it (bc) was just a minor set back." Although I know that she meant well I was furious and avoided her thereafter. I was hypersensitive to everything then. 4 years later not so much. But it definitely still was not a minor set back, but a major life altering event!
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