Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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One that I just remembered:
Last summer I was recovering from my mastectomies, waiting for the biopsies to come in, and trying to get around with the drains, etc....Dopey on pain pills and a bit shellshocked. My sister told me: " Yeah I've had a rough time too. I have a sinus infection....."
Some folks are the center of their own solar system and we are all just orbiting moons!!! Now I think it's funny, but then I was horrified.
Moogie0 -
moogie,
my sister came to stay during my chemo and she was so sick the whole time with a SINUS INFECTION.
i was reeling from chemo/nausea one day and she told me to stop obsessing and went on and on about her darn nose?
Michelle0 -
Hi Gracie,
One of my long-distance friends said to me: "Everybody I know who's had chemo has died anyway." Now she KNOWS that I am struggling with the chemo decision, so it was very thoughtless to say something like that.
Also, a neighbor told me: "My daughter used to be an oncology nurse, but she quit that job, because everyone who came in the door always died."
Yes, WHY DO THEY SAY THESE KIND OF THINGS???
Keep the Faith,
HARLEY0 -
I've heard variations of pretty much every standard inane comment, and I'm always happy to hear I'm not the only one on the receiving end of the blather.
One of the comments I'm most dumbfounded by is the one that's come out of the mouths of two of my very favorite people, who mean nothing but well, but who keep saying, "God loves you too much to let anything happen to you." I guess God wasn't too fond of my three family members who have died of cancer, or any of the others in the world who didn't make it. Honestly, what do you say to this?
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My worst thing was when my "best friend" living in another state, who when I told her of my breast cancer over the phone, stated that according to a book she had just read I caused the cancer myself because, according this book, women who nurture too much invite breast cancer into their breasts. Apparently, breast cancer is a symptom of some type of nurturing disease in our lives. It's a spiritual concept of some sort. I told her I didn't believe that for one second. She told me she actually believed it! Threw me for a loop, as in my family my sister's the nurturing one!
What a horrible thing to say to a woman who just had a lumpectomy, no family around for support, and I was scared to pieces. In the end you just have to forgive ignorance. And I've chosen to respond with grace no matter what outrageous things people say to me, even though my feelings do get hurt.
Brenda in VA0 -
At my hubbys company family day picnic a balding man said" hey being bald isn't so bad.. but I didn't choose it.. WHAT! Does he think I did?
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Here's a good response if we dared to say it:
I want to reach your mind. Where is it currently located?
(Ashliegh Brilliant)0 -
A co-worker stopped in my office to see how I was doing, and in the space of 10 minutes managed to tell me about a woman who died of breast cancer and a man who suffered from fatigue for a long, long time after rads. Gee, stop by again sometime and cheer me up.
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I have 2, not 1, but 2 people that constantly complain to me, that they are tired of their big boobs getting in the way and they just wish they could just 'lob them off'. Excuse me? Um, can I tell them get some cancer then and then for sure their insurance will cover them getting them cut off? I just let them go on and on and give them a blank stare like, "and you're telling ME this becuz... WHY? Doesn't even phase them. I just feel like bringing them down a peg or too sometimes.... 0
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At pre-op as the nurse was putting my IV in my hand, she asked me why I think I got cancer. Something I ate or did?
Unfortunately, I couldn't come up with a good response at the time. No one is ever prepared for dumb questions.0 -
Is it me? I had a mast in May and my idiot sister just asked me if I had my bikini ready to wear to the beach! I am ready to start crying. Like I don't feel like enough of a freak being bald with no breast.
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I actually sat in my living room for almost 2 hours comforting a friend who had come to bring dinner for my family while I was going through chemo. She counted off all of the people in her family who had died of cancer, providing details of their death, and then she finally broke down and sobbed "I am so afraid of getting cancer myself! What would I do if I lost my hair! It's my crowning glory!" And on and on.....as I sat there with my wig on, patted her hand....I felt bad for her, sure, but she really didn't help me very much. I have avoided her ever since, as maintaining a positive attitude through my treatment was very important to me. I am not sure that I will be making an effort to keep her friendship either. After she left, I was pretty angry. Do you think I am being unfair?
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When my husband was going through heart surgery he was given a leaflet by the hospital to show the stats - a page of 1000 white circles with a black circle in the centre, to indicate that 1 in a 1000 dies from this procedure. Good odds you might say? Not his best friend - "What if you're the black circle, though, mate?" was his response.
At my dx he said "All my friends are dying from cancer" as he broke down and cried for me. ??????
I determined that he wasn't going to be part of my journey, but within days when the house was filled to the brim with flowers he turned up with cream cakes, choccies, and treats. ("Everyone brings flowers but you can't eat flowers!") He was my best friend and suddenly turned into the most fantastic support ever, full of fun and making me laugh.
So even though he is by nature a negative person he came up trumps. Mind you, there are still days when I could cheerfully throttle him for having "foot in mouth" disease.
Big hugs0 -
That as a 50 year old plus woman, I need to "behave" myself on this site.
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Unfair? Certainly not! You're more patient than I would have been. I might have said that all I could think about was me right now and that I wanted to hear only positive stories.
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As someone said - they don't come out with "idiot" stamped on them! When they're family members, it takes me a long time to see the "idiot". And some get weeded out on this journey. My SIL is a nurse - my DH was talking on the phone with them and said I could consider reconstruction later on - she sad, yes, she was thinking of a boob-job too. They live in Victoria, and were coming through the week of my last chemo. They chose to come here on day 2 and 3 after my treatment. I was talking about how rough it had been - there with my wig, and "zoned" on day 2, she looked at me and said "but that's part of your treatment". Just shut me down - I thought "well then, I guess you wouldn't mind - and you could get a free boob-job!". I kick myself though for allowing them over for lunch the next day, along with the other insensitive in-laws, when the chemo was really kicking in. I sat there feeling sick and they talked about real estate and golfing. Never again! Someone on this site has the byline "Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option." Good advice, and something to take away from the whole experience. I have to put myself first a LOT more often.
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Joanne Elizabeth,
I could really relate to your post on this subject.
Just today, and numerous other Saturday's since my bi-mast in March and my bald head in May...(not to mention my hot flashes and fat stomach)...A friend brings her little kids over to go to the community pool with my new roommate. For 5 minutes, they sit asking me "why?, why?" won't I go to the pool with them. duh.........................0 -
I'm so glad this thread is here.. I was looking for it , I needed a good laugh, and this thread does it for me. how do I 'bookmark' it?? I'm glad I'm not the only one surrounded by idiots. I've posted on here before, but I didn't know how to get back here.
Since I last posted on here.. I have to say, since my Dx, I have found out who my friends are. One woman, Whom I've known since I was 17, 20+ years... has NOT ONCE called me. I told her on the phone back in June, 2 months ago, and her response was "well you were crying, so honestly I thought something happened to your son". Her and my son were, WERE, at one time, extremely close, so I understand that part, but 20+ years, and not one word. I've gotten cards from people I don't even know! but this woman, who's friendship I used to highly regard, didn't even call one time. A woman I haven't talked to in YEARS, who lives across the country from me, CALLED ME! our daughters still talk online. I could have cried when she called! I was touched, truly.
Anyway, I hope some of the newer people on here spend the time, I did, it took me a few days, but there is ALLOT of support on just this one thread. We are not alone and there are insensitive jerks in this world. There are people who mean well too, and we just forgive them and move on.0 -
Go the very bottom of the page (right below this quick reply window). At the left, you will see a button that says "Add/Remove this Topic ... ". Click it and it will be added to your favorites on your home page (bottom right of that page).
I have always gotten a good laugh out of this thread and I'm constantly amazed at the new things posted up here. Another good one for a laugh is "bad gifts".
Keep smiling, Karen0 -
The worse thing ever said to me was by my DH, in the Dr's office. He looked at me and said, oh well at least she's not losing an important body part. My Dr, also a female, looked as shocked as me. He has made other heartless comments, like "your hair will grow back...so what if your bald...you knew it would happened. Yes, I did know it would happen, but when it does all the prep doesn't matter...being bald is a shock and slowing fallingout over days in just plan ...horrible.
A few years ago my DH said something even worse. I needed a hystorectomy and He made a similar comment, well it's not a body part she needs any longer. We have all the kids we want. And the MALE Doctor replied with...don't worry I'll leave her "PLaypen" in! Oh and she has a good set of boobs.
Needless to say I ran right back to my GP and told him and his wife (nurse) what this jerk said. They were horrified and realized why so many patients returned form seeing him asking for another Dr. (The jerk also never put down the phone while examinine me, and was also was teaching new Dr!) MY GP found a lovely female OB?GYN to do the surgery. I hear that Dr UCK is no longer in pratice and hopefully not teaching.0 -
12 years ago I was 32 going through my first occurence of bc and a divorce as my soon to be ex-mother-in-law said "I don't know why you're so sick from the chemo, it can't be that bad, they caught it early." The divorce court judge liked that kind of attitude too!!!!!!!!
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My neighbor said "well now you can get those double D's you've always wanted, he he"...I was like, what???
I usually do a triathlon in the summer and after explaining my surgery to a friend (surgery was 8/2) she questioned why I wasn't doing the triathlon....I felt like saying "are you even listening ???"
Before bc I experienced 10 years of infertility and all that goes with it (we finally had our beautiful son, he's 7) and let me tell you, it's the same thing there as well. The insensitive comments....I just don't get it. Why do people open their mouths about stuff they have no clue about??
We are not alone!
MJ0 -
I love this thread and have added to it before...but my newest one is as follows. I ran into a old friend at the post office the other day. She was SO HAPPY to see me. I was JUST as happy. We were so close years ago. We gave each other a big hug. When we use to hang around back then...my hair was ALWAYS long and straight. But now its much shorter and all wavy with a little curl in it. Its totally different. Anyone would be shocked to see my hair in a different style.
So after the hug and small talk...she says "what did you do to your hair"? She said did you try to make it curl like that..and why did you cut it? So dumb me...I told her about my bc DX and the entire experience that goes with it. Surgery, chemo, ooph, Femara, etc. What does she say, "Wow...that sounds awful...I'm sure glad I don't have cancer". She said I don't know how you did it...and followed with "I sure don't plan on getting it..that sucks" Then she says "do you know what you did to cause it". (HELLO...what planet are you from! This use to be one of my closest friends in the world...she always had a BRAIN and it even worked at one time. I was just in a state of shock. Just when you think you've heard it all...another idiot opens their mouth. )
Also, I noticed when we were done talking she couldn't wait to get going. Didn't ask for my phone number so we could catch up or anything. She had to get going but it was nice seeing me. She even told me she was glad to see I was still alive and survived it. lol I have to laugh or I would cry. Some people! ARGH!!!!
Chelee0 -
I don't know what to make of this response.
A very close friend who traveled with me to Europe in Mar/Apr. injured her foot shortly after our return about the same time I was DX with BC, She was pretty much unable to drive and in a lot of pain, as was I from just having my biopsy (lumpectomy) Well, next I am having chemo and all my hair is gone. She came over tonight with flowers and asked if there was anything she could do to help. She said she works during the week, but I am all alone on the weekends so she can come over anytime then. SHe started to cry and cry, me too. She really appearred to want to help and I think fears time is runing out, and just doesn't know what to do. (Her mother died of BC a few years ago,) I think she fears also developing BC as we have talked about this many times.0 -
I think she's responding to you, her own fears and the loss of her mother - completely understandable and well-meaning I'm sure. However, I don't think it's your job to make her feel better. You have your own recovery to deal with. You might want to tell her what you do need - some company, doing some fun things, help with practical matters, etc.
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I have been debating whether or not to tell my mother about my cancer. She's 91 and living in a long-term care facility. Her heart is strong and she's completely lucid 90% of the time. If you have any advice about how to tell elderly parents I'd appreciate it. Anyway, the social worker at the facility suggested that I tell my mother "now while you still look OK." I'm developing a sense of humor abou these knee jerk responses.
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I know I'll get frowns over this, but my response is to not tell anyone who doesn't need to know. If your mother does not need to know, don't tell her at all. I, personally, would not have told the social worker.
And, my (bad) attitude is that if I need to talk to anyone about my experiences, aches, pains, etc. it certainly wouldn't be someone who was being paid to listen. It has to be someone that I KNOW cares about me. Luckily, I have a great husband. And, with him, I really don't need to explain how I feel. He just can see it.
About 90% of the rotten things people have reported have been said to them are said by people who really didn't need to know anyway. You know, people really hardly ever care or have more than a horrible fascination.
It just frustrates me
when I see people being kicked when they are down. Blah, my own 2 cents.
I wish you all the best, one or two REAL friends included.
Tina0 -
I understand the choice to tell very few people, but for what it's worth, here's my take on it. 2 years ago I saw an old acquaintance in the library - she works there, we went to school together in another city. She had been gone for several months and I mentioned it - she said she had had bc. So when I was diagnosed, I called her and her openess has been much appreciated. So maybe my openess will help someone else later on.
The other thing I think about is that this is part of life - I'm the victim and why should I hide because it makes those who are (so far) more fortunate uncomfortable? I have a son who is paraplegic because of an unfortunate accident, and he can't hide it. He has to cope with people's attitudes everyday, and the only way he can is to educate. Most can see past the chair and realize that he is just a person like everyone else.
I swim, and before bc, I would just change without going into a booth. Now I see the other women with TWO breasts and it bothers me - I go into a booth. I wear clothes that won't show my scar. Some of it is esthetic, but is anyone going to die from seeing a scar? Not that I'm going to give up the booth - but, just something I think about.
The truth is, disease and accidents happen to many, if not most and eventually all of us. A lot of the really "worse thing someone said" stuff come from the denial of this fact. That, and some people are idiots - it's just not stamped on their foreheads!0 -
Ah,victim. I don't think of myself as a victim. I had cancer. I suffered loss of a breast and chemo. Not a single person I know does not have or has not had serious problems, often even worse. It's the human condition. As you say, it is all part of life, which is beautiful in spite of the problems. I'll take it.
God bless you,
Tina0 -
Quote:
The worst thing....my best friend, when I told her I had cancer, said "Oh, you have to talk to my cousin, she had breast cancer, she's lived a long time, but her daughter died from it"....sigh....WHY do people do that?
It's not just cancer that brings that out in people.
My husband bought a motorcycle a few months ago. Everyone he knows feels compelled to tell him about all the people they know who have died while riding one. I am trying to think of a snappy comeback he can use.0
