Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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"Aunt Keeny", I sure would hate to work at that place-- You are a very strong.forgiving, woman and I wish many more loving kids in your life to offset the idiots you work with.
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Thanks for the support! Good luck to all!
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When I told my Dad that Dr. had found more cancer and I was going to need a mastectomy, he asked me if the Dr. told me how long I had. Talk about encouragement!
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from my mother who has arthritis, on the phone to a friend, "well at least Anne will get better, I won't"!!!
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This is a great thread and exactly the situation I keep finding myself in with MIL. I had posted a similar post on the Moving Beyond Cancer forum trying to figure out how to deal with the anxiety she causes me (and the fact that she makes me so mad with her comments).
Initially when I as diagnosed and told family members - her reponse was about me going bald and that I had to get a wig. I replied no wig and she persisted in how could I possibly allow myself to be seen in public or by anyone (her son, my husband). I choose to wear scarves and sun hats as it was 90+ degree summer months.
Next she continues to tell me about her sister and mother dying from cancer. Thanks for cheering me up as I had not started my surgery or chemo at this point.
So I avoid any contact with her during all my treatments until we took her out for mothers day this year. Almost got through a pleasant dinner and over dessert she turns and looks me right in the face - - you know my other sister died of bc and now my niece has bc.
Guess who just got diagnosed with bc 2 weeks ago?
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I had a friend years ago and she had heard through other internet friends that I had cancer. Well she has just refound God and yet lied to me by saying " Oh it's nothing I had colon cancer and ovarian and I'm just fine, keep praying" With a big smiley face on the screen. I was stunned, I still keep in touch with her children and ex husband and they to told me she never had cancer at all. I'm discusted with her new found love of Jesus and the nerve to lie to me like that.
I also had a boss tell me it should be fine you'll probably just get radiation and then you'll be okay. Well I just received what I hope is my last chemo treatment and start Radiation in Dec. Sometimes I wish people would just not comment at all. Each of us deals with our fears differently and to be lied to or treated as such a write off hurts. It really makes you think about how weird people can be. One of my best friends didn't know what to say she just cried, so I told her " you have ten minutes to cry then I want to hear from you, that this sucks, I wish it wasn't you, I wish it never happened. And no more Hallmark card remarks". I can only take so much of that it's so hard to meet and greet everyone especially when you (me) don't react in tears or the long pity me face. I want to fight this cancer not feel terrified all the time. Mind you I do spend alot of time with fear in the back of my mind and it seems to be worse now than in the beginning.
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After surgery, I was not looking my best. When I was introduced to one of my husband's co-workers she said, "Oh, I thought Jon was married to a pretty blonde woman".
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Probably the old "oh, breast cancer is no big deal these days - you'll be fine in no time."
When I say anything about gaining weight, losing my hair or being on medical leave for the TAC, I get a lot of "my aunt/granny/cousin/et al had chemo and they actually lost weight, didn't lose their hair or have to be out of work" - I ask them what type of chemo they had, and they say "there are different kinds?"
I also get from coworkers: "I wish I could sit out of work for six months." Um... under these circumstances? Doubt it.
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One of the things that bugs me is how people think that once you are done with treatment, you are just "done". As if this whole thing can just be fixed and forgotten about. Or they think that once you get past a certain time period, you are considered "healed". With ER+ BC you have a risk for the rest of your life. It's very sobering to the people when I share the real statistics.
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I think people are afraid to know that you might not be OK as well as being afraid of their own mortality. They also don't know the ins and outs of treatment, probability of recurrence and survival statistics. I became way more knowledgeable when I was diagnosed myself - an education I didn't need. When I try to educate people who are important to me, their eyes just glaze over and they repeat, "You'll be just fine." Well, at stage IIIb, they know a lot more than I do about my being "just fine." As far as co-workers stating they wish they could have the time off, I actually say, "Not under these circumstances." They back right off.
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With co-workers who envy my time off I said "Swap you!" They soon shut up.
My LE nurse was wonderful - not. I was hardly in the door when she said "You'll die with it (LE) but it won't be on your death certificate." I was too stunned to respond. "It won't kill you, but you will have it for the rest of your life," is the same message but what a difference. And this from a medical professional.
She also referred me to a clinical psychologist as I'm "not coping very well." ?? I am back at work, full time, engaging in a full social life, attend a creative writing course weekly and have just had two poems published - neither of them to do with cancer and written before dx. My half-year report at work was a blast, I have been given clerical support in the shape of a previous colleague who worked well with me before - it's really all good news (DG) but apparently I miss my son who has moved to London. I think that's pretty normal really.
Love and hugs
Valerie S - ps sorry for the vent!
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Nurses like that embarress me to no end! I have no idea where they get off with that type of comment to anyone.
I apologise from the rest of us nurses.
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Dotti, don't you ever apologise for anyone - I have read most of what you post here and they are always hopeful, encouraging and with humour - so you don't ever apologise. My LE nurse is a one-off, and all the other medical folk have been wonderful.
Big hug
Valerie S
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I've had things said to me like the rest of you, I'm to the point I just blow it off and ignore them. Or look at them like they are stupid..
I finished chemo in August so my hair is growing back. It's about 1/4 in long. I was holding the door open for a bunch of old people today. The last one, a man said "thank you, sir" I didn't say anything. Was shocked though. I think I look pretty good with my commando hair. Course I was wearing warm up pants and a long sleeved shirt. But you would think the lavander crocks would have been a giveaway.
I'm also getting ready to go through the whole process again, I've found a lump and been diagnosed with spots on my liver and lungs. And I'm triple negative. All this less than 2 months after finishing treatments. I figure I'm gonna enjoy the hair while I have it and forget what anyone else thinks.
Keep strong,
CindyKS
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The worst thing someone said to me was when I went to see a "Nurse Navigator" who was supposed to "help and support" me throughout this journey....she had the nerve to tell me that the pain I had experienced for months, that I could pinpoint and that woke me up at night, had nothing to do with my breast cancer. I wanted to reach over and choke her and her healthy breasts to death!
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I wish you had choaked her! It amazes me when any medical professional uses the words "always" and "never". NO WAY!!!!
Or think they can tell you that something they know nothing about is absolute truth.
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one of my bosses from chicago, i am from pennsylvania. I called her to tell her my news and my schedule will be messed up for a while due to dr appt and surgery. All she said was...NOW YOU CAN GET A NEW SET OF BOOBS! I was sooo pissed.
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Hi Ladies....just had to post these 2 comments from nurses while I was in the hospital in August for a severly herniation at L5-S1 (sacral area)....
While in the ER..."Well...you should just face up to it....you most likely have mets to your spine and that is why you are in severe pain"...told her, well no...and if you had pulled up the MRI like I told you you would have known that.
While in bed the night before surgery, no pain meds working, buzzed AGAIN for the nurse as she was 2 hours late with the morphine AGAIN...she told me "you are severly depressed from your bc and need antidepressants and maybe see someone".
Oh...and I am a nurse. If I hadn't been in so much pain I gladly would have smacked both of them.
Then there was the lady in the bookstore last week (it was only my 3rd day venturing out without my wig...hair about 2")...she said..."Hmmmmm. Interesting look. Can I have the name of your stylist so I make sure I NEVER go there?"
And no, you do not need to know what I told her. But it was GOOD!
Jeesh. People!
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Hi Wendy:
Both the kindness and cruelty of the human race never ceases to amaze. What did you say to the haircut woman? I'd love to hear it.
I had my surgery last week and had to call the nurses' station from my cell phone to get someone to take me to the bathroom. I'd had my call light on for over an hour and the nurses station was directly across from my room. They all just walked past it. I was only in the hospital for one day and that was enough!
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A coworker said I looked good after I returned to work after a lumpectomy...she said "treat it like a cold my dear". I think she means just treat it and it will be fine. i was incensed...I bet she would feel differently if she got this "cold".
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The worst comment from me came from my mother in law. I had walked out of the doctors office crying because I was so happy with my test results. They came back all clear of any cancer. She asked me why I was crying and when I told her she said nothing. I was stunned. THen she answered "What is the big deal you had stage 1 cancer." Another time she commented that my cancer was not that big of a deal. Its only breast cancer.
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This thread is so hilarious and so sad at the same time. It's amazing what stupid things people say. I guess some people are just without empathy and some people mean well but it gets out all the wrong way.
Anyway, here is my contributions to this thread:
At the hospital just a few days after my mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Old lady who is being treated for a tumour in her knee says: "Oh breast cancer, that's nothing."
My grandmother (who is a quite healthy 87 year-old who thinks she is very sick): "At least you have the chances of getting better, I won't."
Various people when I was upset about only producing one egg fit to become an embryo during the IVF treatment I did before chemo (I have no children): "Well, you only need one, you know."
My doctor: "I understand you have a life crisis. You have realised that life is not without ending. It does actually end."
I'm sure I have a few more, but these are the ones I can think of now.
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Swedishgirl? Did you say anything to the dingaling doc?
The laughs are really sad, when these are more often family members with no sense of compassion that a toads! Where any of us this insensitive before BC?
My sister's first response to my Dx, was 'just have them taken off, so you don't have to worry it again!' Later after the mastectomy, she says, 'You know I was never (or maybe it was No one ever was) impressed with your breast anyway. I mean, they are small. Just happened that she caught me on a better emotional day and I responded 'that no, my breast never 'defined' me as a woman'. I wish I had another way to say what I felt. Truly, she is a size bigger than I've been, but only b/c she has more weight on her than I've ever had too. I really WANTED to say that, but again, I'm not a mean soul.
Then my elder aunt trying to talk me into radiation as she had after a lumpectomy a few years ago, b/c it was SO EASY! Just tell them you want it instead of chemo she says! Not an option auntie.
Then mother not understanding why I might decide later to do reconst. After all, WHY would I do that she asks? Uhm. I dont' know why would you keep your breast at 80 mom? I was afraid if I told her so dh would still enjoy SEX she'd have been on the floor!
Then there are those friends that just have faded into the background, which is probably a good place for them to stay after I'm through with this mess!
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My mom who went through bc 6 yrs ago at age 63 had a single mast with no recon actually said something that has bothered me. I had bilat mast done in June, I am 47 yrs old and very happily married. she said why are you doing the nipples, only your husband will see them and they will be 'on' all the time. I am having nipple surgery tomorrow regardless what she thinks.
Sheila
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This summer just after I was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer my sister-in-law questioned me at length re: did I have breast cancer in my family, etc., etc., in a way that suggested that her main concern was could this happen to her. She then shared with me a long tale re: a cousin of hers with an "unknown primary" who had to have a feeding tube during his radiation treatments. I hope she enjoys the 10 sessions of social skills training I've signed her up for as a Christmas gift! My husband and I were both annoyed and amused. People can be so weird and in their own heads sometimes. Allyson
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When explaining to my co worker that I am a "yellow canary" and if there is an adverse reaction to be had I'll probably get it.
She said "OH that's right. You're Special!"
I replied with "No I'm not. I just know my own personal medical history and that of my family. My mother has been written up in medical journals for her reactions to medications and I am like my
mother's side of the family".
But Boy was I pissed.
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After my surgery, several people in my condo came up to me and asked me what my prognosis was. I never cease to be amazed that someone would a person who has been ill, if she has been told whether she will live or die.
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I had a long, serious history of Crohn's disease prior to being diagnosed with breast cancer. I saved my vacation and sick days for doctor appointments. One day the head of the firm I worked for called me into his office and loudly threatened me with job loss if I continued to take time off. A week later, his daughter and her son were both diagnosed with Crohns. I cried - I would not wish Crohn's on anyone - but isn't it funny how life works out?
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Years before I was diagnosed with cancer, long before chemo and radiation, CAT scans and MRI's, I had hundreds of x-rays before I was diagnosed with Crohns at the age of 14. Many more x-rays and several years later, my radiologists said that since I was at a marriagable age, that if I moved away from home, they wanted me to promise to keep in touch with them because they were looking forward to my becoming pregnant. Their reason: "Because of all the x-rays - we can't wait to see what the baby will be like." Can you imagine how I felt - to think they wanted to see if my baby would be normal! That I would take such a chance with a life?
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