Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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Jean,
Yes, I have a friend who's Mom died of bc. She has been good about calling me to see how I am doing, and the like. She lives in Maryland, so we've kept in touch since I moved to NC.
After the bc dx, I thought long and hard about telling her about it. But, when I DID, she was great, and I tell her whenever I think she is getting quiet on the other end of the phone, I remind her that her Mom died A LONG TIME AGO, and they have so much better treatments and better survival rates now. She admitted that her Mother waited too long to get her surgery and start getting chemo, so it was too late when they finally did start. I'm glad I told her.
There are others, who I thought were friends, and they have disappeared... Seems they are afraid of catching bc...
Hugs,
HARLEY0 -
Jean and to the other women here that have mentioned friends disappearing since their bc DX. One women on this board said something I WON'T forget. To quote her and I hope she doesn't mind...she said, "CANCER CLEANS HOUSE". So freaking true! It sure did in my case.
Chelee0 -
We were recently at my Grandfather's funeral and a random cousin (whom we barely know anyway) approached my mom and with this really sad expression...or an "I feel sorry for you" expression...proceeded to say, "I heard that you weren't doing that well." WOW!!! My sister was speechless, but I quickly jumped in with "She's doing great! Why would you think that?" I've found that I've become increasingly protective of my mom. I guess she's protected me long enough, so it's time to return the favor
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You have to wonder if some of these people are bully types, they find a weakness and they attack.
Kimmie
Oh yes!
Sorry to quote from so long ago -- I'm reading this thread from the beginning -- but Kimmie hit the nail on the head, I think.
My family, friends and acquaintances have all been great.
But my boss and "co-boss" (her boyfriend, whom she turned into a boss, whose mind we're all supposed to read so as never to upset him, even though he's always upset) were horrible. And bullying.
I left them as soon as I could find something else within the same institution -- a HOSPITAL and SCHOOL OF MEDICINE, mind you!
My boss was one of those doctors who went into medicine because she hates and fears disease and mortality. She emailed to a co-worker that I was a big baby (for asking to return to work on a part-time schedule only), because "it's not like" I "lost a vital organ or something."
Physician, heal thyself.0 -
A lady that works in another office in my building was in the restroom at the same time as me. I was bald from chemo so she obviously knew I had cancer. She inquired as to how I was doing, I told her my diagnosis, etc... She seemed very nice and as we both left, she turned around and said "I hope you beat the cancer, but if you don't remember that Jesus died a painful death also". WHAT??!!
I was in total shock and all I could say was "Thank You". I run into her quite often and she is always very nice and asks how I'm doing and how treatment is going. She's never said anything weird again, but wow, I still can't get that comment out of my mind.0 -
I saw the same social worker who told me to inform my mother who is 91 that I had cancer "now, while you still look good." When I saw her two weeks later (Monday), she said, "You still look good." I guess she'll be the first person to let me know when I'm dying.
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After I found out I was scheduled for mastectomies, I got a call 2 days before the date form a 20 year friend who had all but disappeared once the biopsies kept getting hairier. She said" I've been a bad friend" So I Said" that's right. So knock it off now and get with the program..." At least we talk occassionally now, but I'll never feel the same way about her again. Having had other people in my life dealt serious medical diagnosis it would never occur to me to walk away from any of them.
Moogie0 -
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Dear BIL who is usually quite thoughtful, asked if we would stop homeschooling.
funny.. I've been asked this NUMEROUS times... oh good grief people.. *sigh*
YES WE ARE STILL HOMESCHOOLING!0 -
I was diagnosed in June and had e-mailed a few select people about my diagnosis. One of these people gave a very brief response back--I could tell she wasn't very interested, so I didn't contact her again with any updates. I've known her for 8 years--play group, preschool, etc. She suddenly e-mailed me last week to ask if the kids and I had "had a fun summer?" Oh yes, it's been a real hoot. So I e-mailed back that I was recovering from surgery, would be starting chemo, and had spent the summer at numerous doctor's appointments. She e-mailed back that yes, she knew all about that, as she was very busy shuttling her 81 year old father to his urology appointments for his prostate problems.
I then ran into her the next day, and she bounced up to me and said, "So, is everything going really WELL?" I looked at her and said, "Well, everything's fine except for the CANCER." She blinked for a moment, and said, "Oh, well, yeah, that" and proceeded to babble on about the first week of school. Then she started to ask me bizarre questions like, "Did you have a tumor in your breast?" Well, uh, yeah. "Did you have it in both breasts?" Uh, no, why are you asking this? "Are you going to lose your hair?" Yes, and at this point I walked off. I can't decide if she's incredibly stupid, incredibly insensitive, or an unfortunate combination of both.0 -
Jsut plain stupid.
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I'll add my two cents. I ran into a woman that I know right after my diagnosis in March. She proceeded to tell me about her son in law who has passed away last summer of cancer and how there just wasn't any treatment that worked for him. Then dug in her purse and pulled out an obit card with a pink ribbon on it and told me about a friend who had just passed after having breast cancer for a short time. I couldn't believe it.
After my treatment, I ran into her again and she asked me about my treatment. I said I was done and that I was doing fine. You should have seen the look I got. Stupid people.0 -
Once again I was asked, "How did you find it?".. someday, just someday, I want to make a really nasty remark about my hubby finding it .. heh heh heh.. Just once... and "which breast"..
(the middle one dumbass.. the middle one..) sorry, the day is catching up with me..0 -
I am sick of hearing people say "don't worry, you'll be fine" and the best one of all...2 days after having a mastectomy, I was telling my "best" friend about some of the benefits I could get that my social worker told me about....Meal delivery, housecleaning, visiting nurse, etc...she said "you really don't need them 'cause you don't have Cancer anymore, they took it off" I was speechless!
Joanne0 -
My sister called me a few days after my bilateral surgery and told me that she had just had her mammogram and it looked fine. Then she proceeded to tell me that the technitian doing the mammogram had been diagnosed with BC at 32 and she had a bilateral mastectomy at that time, but now the cancer was everywhere. I couldn't even believe anyone, let alone my sister, would say that to someone going through this. I think that I will be skipping her calls from now on...
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Urbie
You mean to say the Technician is still working when her cancer is "everywhere"? Sounds a little strange, doesn't it?0 -
I guess I didn't think about it at the time. I just said that I had hoped to had gotten rid of my cancer by having a bilateral mastectomy. I was just shocked that she could be so insensitive. Although right after I was diagnosed, my oldest daughter (8) was having a VERY hard time and she called to tell me that she would fly down to Virinia and get my girls and "knock her right into shape". I declined her offer and brought my daughter to a therapist and pediatritian. She has since been put on a low dose of prozac and she is coping much better with all of this. I guess you have to live through it to understand it.
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I have another one (this is my third post on this thread--how sad is that?!).
When I was first diagnosed, I told one of the women on my "need to know" list. I mentioned how I was concerned about my upcoming bone scan, as I was having lots of new back pain and was really hoping the cancer hadn't spread to my bones. She replied, "Oh, don't be a hypochondriac!"0 -
Well, I think I've finally heard the worst thing someone has said to me and it came from my dh. I just finished my second round of chemo and my hair started to fall out last week, very depressing. This weekend I asked my dh to shave what was left. When he finished I commented that it felt very strange. His reply was "well it doesn't look very good either" "do you really think a bald woman is attractive?" So much so being sensative! Looks like I need to depend on someone else for support.
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I just don't understand people. Especially when something stupid, hurtful or both comes from someone who is a dear friend. I think my close friend who has been by my side through all of this finally got tired of hearing about it. Sorry, but it is all I could think about at first (dx 9/12/06 with left mast, chemo and rads). In June I went for my one month follow up with rads dr and had a clen pap and a mammo. I made the statement that I thought I could finally put this behind me (knowing I can never put it behind me and it will always be first in line whenever I get a bump or sniffle or bruise or whatever) and she said "It's about time" Ok, what did she mean? This is also the person who said (this is paraphrased) that it would be better for me to get this and die since my boys are "grown" (15 and 17 at dx) than it would be for her since her daughter was just 4 and still needed her. Yes, Istill see her and I am still close but not as close. I don't confide in her like I used to. I wonder why? Bonny
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just tonight I was thinking of my friend of 20+ years, I mentioned her on here before.. but I thought, it's been 2 months, and she has never contacted me once. How can you be friends with someone for 20 YEARS, and not contact them once??
wow... *sigh*0 -
Kimwims -It's bad enough when strangers make stupid comments but when it comes from those who love us, it hurts a lot more. Maybe you could "educate" your dh about the kinds of things you do and don't need to hear like "I love you." You look wonderful in that ___." etc. Ask for hugs if you have to. My SO was making jokes which at another time would be funny but I had to tell him that I was feeling pretty vulnerable about those topics and to refrain from doing it. If that doesn't work, you're right, you'll need get emotional support from others.
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I was talking with a parent of one of DDs tennis friends during practice a couple weeks ago.
He asked me what I thought caused my cancer. I told him I felt it's probably genetic since my Grandmother, Mother and I all had BC in our mid 40s (even though my BRAC test was neg).
He proceeded to tell me that the genetic thing was all a bunch of bull-crap. All cancers are environmental. According to this genius, BC is often caused by a bad root canal!
When I told him I've never had a root canal, he asked me if I drink a lot of tap water (which I do). That's the cause, he informed me and told me I should be drinking only distilled water.
Yeah, I got BC from tap water. What a horse's patooty!0 -
KimWns
I wonder about our dh, sometimes. I am also looking to others for support. My dh responded differently then yours but was equally hurtful. He shaved my head and then grabbed his camera and took a photo...saying it looked fine. NOT something you want to hear after just losing your "crowing glory".
When I was first dx, he told the dr, "good thing it's not an important part of her body". Gee whiz, it doesn't matter what part of your body it is, when it's cancer it's bad news. He has also belittled my having reconstruction. I have an appointment with my PS this Friday and told him he did not need to come with me as I do not want him arguing with th PS about unnecessary surgery. I guess he thinks I would look just fine bald and with no breasts. He don't seem to understand, or try to, how terrible this is to women.0 -
I've been lurking for a few days, and am finding this thread very informative. Some of it very funny. My best friend has been recently diagnosed with BC (stage 3B), had a mastectomy, and will be starting chemo in about 2 weeks. I am learning everything I can, as I have been taking off work and driving her to and from the hospital, and am her emergency contact. She never married, and has no children, and I am glad to be able to help her out, as she has been like a favorite aunt to my children for many years.
Anyway, this thread is helping me to know what NOT to say. It is hard to know what is the right thing to say. We have talked about how nice and perky her breasts will be when reconstruction is complete... this is something that many of you take offense to. I hope she hasn't been hurt by me saying that.
My friend said something at the hospital that had the nurses and me not knowing if we should laugh.. or cry.
They were putting the iodine (I believe) on her left breast, preparing for the mastectomy. I have been in her room the whole time, (Connie wants me to be there) right up until she is wheeled to surgery, for this, and for the prior lumpectomy. As always, I avert my eyes when she is exposed. The nurse asked if Connie is okay if her friend (me) "is in the room, and might see her breast. I said, "Connie, I always respect your privacy, I don't look".
Connies snappy reply was, " H*ll, You may as well look now, it is the one and only chance you will ever get to see my left boob"
I have directed my friend to this forum. I hope she joins. She would benefit so much from the wealth of knowledge shared by women who are just where she is.0 -
You're friend is very blessed to have a friend like you. Sometimes when you are first diagnosed, you say things and maybe to you they are funny or maybe it's just something you might say out of frustration. Just continue to be there for your friend. Knowing that you care and that you love her is really all you need.
God bless,
Chris0 -
She is so fortunate to have such a loving friend. I have one, too. The greatest gift she gave me was that she listened. Even when no one else would listen. Even when it was LONG past time for me to talk about bc, to be angry, to cry, to be scared, to whatever, to laugh.
If I hated the doc, so did she. If I loved the doc, so did she. If I wanted to kill my dh, so did she. If I wanted to kill myself, she wouldn't let me!
My Valerie was my rock, as were the women here.
Bless you, BellaDonna, there will be a star in your crown in heaven for the love you are giving. And I hope she comes here, too.0 -
KimWns
Just an update, my dh went with me to meet my new PS. The first words out of him when the doctor came in was, I have no idea why my wife wants to do all this. I don't want her to go thru any more pain than she needs to.
My PS looked at my dh and said something like where would you like me to began. Can you try to understand your wife has cancer, she's losing her breasts and wants to look somewhat normal again...bring in the books.
He then went on to show us photos, before and after. They really did look great. He explained how he remakes the nipples and the differnt ways there are to reconstruct the breasts. My dh (or myself) mentioned possiblity of RADS, He explained in great detail implants verses flaps. If the rads distroyed the muscle and skin, it would be very hard to redo the breast, whereas if an implant is used, the breast can be rebuilt by using one of the flaps.
He also explained the cost and weight of a prothesis, special bras, etc. and asked my dh if he wanted me to go thru all that...for the rest of my life.
The one funny part was the look on the PS, nurse and my dh when the Dr asked what size I wanted to be, and I said a "B". (Iam a "D" now)
Addressing the pain and unnecessary surgery, it will be done the same time as my mast and Ill be watch very carefully for 4-6 days in the hospital. He seemed, for the first time, to really understand my feelings, fears, what I have been and will be going thru.
This is one wonderful PS. In 10-15 minutes he was able to get into my dh's head what I have been trying to for a month.0 -
Oh, Jean! Sounds like you found a "keeper" on the first try! How thrilling!
And how wonderful that, not only did your dh attend this appt with you, he actually opened his mouth and stated his feelings! He gets a gold star for that, too.
Good for you!0 -
When I was at a party
and I had just finished a grueling regimen of chemo and looked like death warmed over..
a women said to me
"My mother had chemo for breast cancer and it was a piece of cake...."0 -
Jean, as irritating as your husband's attitude was for you, he still sounds like a honey. His not wanting you to go through any more pain was extremely thoughtful - and thinking you looked 'fine' with no hair - touching. He didn't understand your need to vent, to be validated - he is a guy. Guys fix things. He can't fix this and I am sure it is tearing him apart. How fortunate you are that your PS was able to help him understand. Give that guy a hug and tell him thanks for being there. Jacque
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