Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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Hi All
The worst things are the usual puppy faces, oh that is sooooo terrible, how long have you got, I'm sure it will go away yeah right,will you be able to go to work? I had a friend once ....... and she died not long ago great......
I think I try my hardest to ignore their ignorance and take it that they are trying to care.
and I love the comment
How's your cancer/health doing ..I'm not sure...give me a minute and I'll ask it. ha ha very good.
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Right now it's not the THINGS that people are saying, but the fact that they won't talk about anything else! I just started going to a church a couple of months before being dx with recurrence and mets. Everyone is so sympathetic about the cancer that it seems I won't ever be known as anything but "that new woman with cancer." At the Christmas Eve service, people kept coming up to console me. Mostly, I wanted an evening when I didn't have to talk about it.
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I just found out about my mum, who is my idol, that she had breast cancer and a mother at my childrens school said "Oh my mum died of that" I just cryed. If people know of people that have died of breast cancer surely they should keep it to their selves or certainly be very tactful. I dont know about anyone eles but since finding about my mum I hate and dont ask how someone has died anymore as am too scared they are going to say breast cancer. I hope I have not just joined the tactless bunch in what I have just said, if so sorry.
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My husband's uncle, not a mean person, just plain old stupid (with his college degree) asked me after my double mast, so how flat are you now? My husband and I just looked at each other, and shook our heads in front of him.. he still didn't get it. Randi
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I agree with you -- that sometimes people are so nice, sympathetic, etc, but it's like cancer is the elephant in the room that no one talks about.
These are the times that I wear a wig (normally I don't) - to try to help people to forget. Also, for Halloween a couple years ago, I "spiked" my hair (I didn't lose ALL of it to chemo, but just most of it and I had "sprigs" of hair here and thsir). I spiked it with yellow "hair spiking glue", took a photo, and sent it to my friends at work. It's SUCH something they wouldn't expect from me (I was age 57), and it shocked people so much. But I followed it up with a note saying that this was an unexpected benefit of treatment -- i've never had hair I could spike before (*chuckle*).
After that, when I talked to people at work, they were so relieved (I think) that I could even LAUGH about this, that it just took all the tension out. Now people ask me how I'm doing, smile, and we can get back to business. The elephant is now only about 4" tall.
Sometimes breaking the ice helps.
Janet
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Well, this isn't the worst thing someone said but it sure was strange. I was getting my teeth cleaned and the dental hygienist said that maybe I'd gotten cancer because the Lord wanted me to grow closer to him. She proceeded to tell me that when I accept Jesus as my personal savior, I can get into heaven. Otherwise, you know where I'm headed. I told her that I saw god as some kind of mad scientist who wants to stir the pot to see what we human creatures will do in the face of adversity (not sure that I really believe that). Now her mouth was open.
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After I had my bilateral, my college boyfriend from thirty years ago called up and said "I heard that you have breast cancer, and it made me sad that your perfect breasts are gone now."
I didn't tell him that those breasts had the "perfect" sucked out of them by my three kids! But I did tell him that it wasn't appropriate to discuss my boobs, since we are both happily married to other people!
sally
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Shrink,
That was funny! I had a massage therapist (who I thought would relax me...hah...) tell me that I should get up off the table right then (and I'm in the nude, remember) and get on my knees to ask God to heal me. I told her I was a pagan and wasn't sure which god to ask. Massage wasn't so good after that, but the laugh I got was sure healing!
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Calypso - That was pretty funny too. Did the therapist laugh? I'll have to remember that line when people assume that their spirital agenda is the "right" one. Isn't that how wars start?
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I'm standing there at the little neighborhood pool, and an acquaintance looks at my chest and says, "so, did you have a mastectomy?" which in and of itself is pretty inappropriate. Now, I have teeny tiny breasts, double A cups are too big for me (think Calista Flockheart), but I was wearing a bikini for crying out loud! I still laugh about it - did she think I had a bilat mast with no recon? could she really not tell, even with direct and obvious inspection, whether they were there or not? did she think at all? survey says NO!
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Well after my implants are removed tomorrow, I know I'll look exactly like Keira Knightley (+ grey hair). L
L. I can live with that.sally
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I'm too new to this to have a lot of stories - but right now my DH wins! arrrrrggggggggg
I was complaining about my drains a few days before they were removed and he made a statement that the day might be coming when I would wish my only problem was the drains!
Also at the surgeon'soffice, we saw a man with a neck brace. He commented that he would bet that man would rather have drains than a neck brace. aaaccckkkkkkkkkkkk
I know he's only trying to make me feel better, but SHUT UP!!!!!
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Re: slap on the ass and "Horney!" LOL LOL LOL Love it!
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I returned to work yesterday - first day back after 18 months on disability (my treatment was over ten months - got knocked down pretty badly and still have red blood counts below normal). My job-share partner came in and proceeded to tell me about her friend who didn't even want anyone to know about her breast cancer - just had her treatment without telling anyone, was never affected by it, and was right back playing tennis like nothing ever happened!
Uhh. . . I kinda had to tell my boss and co-workers why I wasn't at work all that time - couldn't really hide it! And she and I had been close, she knew how tough my treatment was, even resulting in blood transfusions, etc. I felt it was an underhanded way of being critical of me - I tried to explain some people do well and only have eight chemo transfusions and I had over 20, etc., etc., etc. And she already knew this. Sigh - why do we bother trying to explain?
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Sue, that totally sucks.
What a jerk (to say the least).
I had something similar from my boss (now ex-boss -- I had to leave her), and she was a doctor! A doctor to whom I would never refer anyone! She kept complaining to me and co-workers that I was babying myself by taking a whole 4 weeks off for mastectomy and reconstruction -- well, I felt like hell, my drains took all that time to get down to 30 cc/day and come out, and I had a bad reaction to antibiotic. She kept comparing me to a friend of hers who supposedly went back to work within a week.
So I know what a drag that is.
Hugs to you Sue, and try not to let your job-share partner get to you...
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Hi Ann - I'm 6 weeks past bi-lat mast and only now feeling somewhat normal. I could go to work but maybe for half a day. There is no way I could have worked with those drains and all the pain, pain killers and nausea I had for about 4 weeks. So, hugs to you.
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It took almost 10 weeks until I felt better after mast, I had major arm trouble,after the axillary node dissection. Felt better for 2 weeks and went back in for reconstruction, almost 2 weeks ago. I had lattissimus flap and expanders. I can barely move myself , let alone think about going back to work. I work with disturbed children, and I'm not behind a desk. I also heard about those who went back after 3 weeks. Yippee for them. Everyone is different. I've had prior radiation to one side, which is not helping the healing, and axillary node dissection, which makes the arm feel worse, and I can't even open a pill bottle, imagine restraining a middle school age child.. I don't even want to think about it. It scares me.
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I haven't had my surgery yet but wanted to share the worst thing someone said to me, to date.
A co-worker asked me how things were going and I explained that I was getting a bilateral mastectomy and the DIEP flap. She asked if it was like a tummy tuck and I said yes. She said 'Did you hear what happened to Kanye West's mother after she had a tummy tuck?'
Um, yes. I heard she died. Thanks so much for sharing!
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I am always so amazed at people's insensitivity! Further to my post above re my return to work - my job-share partner also commented on my post-chemo REALLY curly hair - her comment was "Didn't you used to have really great hair?"
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Sue, having just seen your hair in person yesterday, I can honestly say that your 'do is positively darling!
I had very, very curly hair before chemo, and I constantly get the comment, "Maybe it will come back in straight!" in a tone that implies that would be a big improvement. People really need to learn to keep their mouths shut!
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These weren't the worst, these were just dumb:
- One person told me that I could pray away my lump ... and when I looked dumbfounded, I was told I must have weak faith. Didn't I believe in Jesus? Didn't I believe in the Bible and miracles? ... I laughed.
- Another person told me to reconsider surgery and to talk to her "friend" ... he could cure it with love.
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Gad, I'd love to simply get hair back that covers my scalp (*sigh*). It's been a year since chemo ended and I still have areas where the hair is so thin that my pale skin just shines through.
The problem is that people assume that I just finished chemo recently. I have to TELL them that I'm LONG since done and am feeling fine.
Janet
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I received a call form an old "friend", who understood exactly what I was going thru because she had breast augmentation and had experienced the same pain. She wanted me to know it would only last a week or two. I was having a terrible day and just snapped back at her, No, HONEY, BC is nothing like breast augmentation.
The worse comments have been from my DH. When I discovered the lump, he told me I was over reacting. This response continued when my PCP was concerned it was IBC; when the radiologist told me I needed to see a BS ASAP; even after my DX., When I had my mast/reconst I shouldn't have been so upset as my breasts are not an important part of my body. When my hair started to fall out, I was acting like a baby, same when my nails lifted up. I was just informed I need surgery on my elbow, injured during my mast, and I am just feeling sorry for myself. My gosh I have under gone 4 surgeries since June 2007 and need three more before the end of May. (exchange, elbow and then the nipples thing) Needless to say I am looking for a good divorce attorney who can make him feel pain! (lost of money)0 -
What is it with these SO's who Refuse to have a Clue!! Sometimes you really want them to go thru some of this crap to wise up a bit.
As distant as my dh was at times, I cannot imagine what you went thru with this =====person! Mine really changed his tune when he was dx'd with prostate ca and had surgery. He was retroactively sympathetic to everyone he'd ever known who had major surgery!!
Since you will know the best attys in your area, I'm sure you'll find one who will not only lighten his wallet (a lot), but make is jockeys fit a little bigger, if you know what i mean.
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LMAO...love the TIP shirt!!!hahahaha, I want one too!
Worst things said to me so far: Went to see my GP after my mammos, I asked him about BIRADS and what a score of 4 meant. He looked at me and said it would mean you have cancer......he didn't even know at that time that I had a score until I told him that the copy he gave me had it on there! Kinda looked at eachother stunned.
My surgeon was next.....went for exame.....asked if he could take a look at RB.......lifted the sheet and said "Oh, you really don't have much do you!" I took that on the chin like a trooper as I used to get called flatsy patsy by mean kids in the nieghbourhood growing up!
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My husband's cousin called to see how I was doing during my chemotherapy and told me she understood what I was going through because I probably didn't know but her dog "Poopsy" had a bout with cancer last year and it was a horrible experience. I was speechless!!! I've never been compared to a dog before. LOL
Hugs, Jackie
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At work, I was in the restroom and a lady who is really nice was concerned about me and asked how Ive been doing. Told her I was going thru rads and that some of these decisions were tuff or something close to it. Well, she said, "you look good." HUH, am I supposed to croak soon or what?
She is really sweet, but that kind of hit me HUH???????? I didnt let on though. Maybe I took it the wrong way and Im too sensitive?
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Not long after being DX I ran into a neighbor and she knew someone that went through cancer trt a few years ago. So when I mentioned I had just been DX with an aggressive bc she said "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that". Then went on to say she had no idea how I would get through it. She said its just the most horrible experience that anyone should have to go through. She even felt the need to tell me how the onc and nurse will call your chemo drugs "medication"....when she said it is really POISON they are putting through your veins. (Gee thanks!) Then she said she can't imagine having her breast cut off and how turned off her husband would be, & she doesn't think he would stick around for her if that happened to her. She even bothered to tell me that most people that get cancer don't die of cancer...they die from the side affects of chemo. She told me I should think twice before going through all that. She even mentioned how much chemo aged her friend. She went on and on...hair falling out and you name it. It was beyond cruel.
Here I had just found out I had bc...I'm scared to death...and she says all that. Not to mention how many people she has known that has had cancer but their DEAD now. (I NEVER spoke to her again!) I was shocked this came out of her mouth...prior to my DX she was always so sweet, caring and compassionate...or so it seemed. I've had alot of nasty things said....but her's won hands down. I hadn't even had time to digest my DX and she dumps that crap on me.
Chelee
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How about this one.
I have a cousin that called every week to check on me. Actually the first question always was, Have you lost any weight? She seem to think chemo was a great diet. (Iam only about 25 pounds over weight). She didn't respond well to my answer that when on chemo, you can actually gain weight even if you can't eat/0 -
Today, at the coffee shop, a man approached me... he is part of the "coffee crowd" we associate with... This was the first day I went out without my wig, and my hair has grown, but it is STILL VERY SHORT! He commented on it, and how much he LIKES it!! Now, He REALLY DID LIKE IT!!! Then he went on to say, "BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!" Now, I am the type who NEVER went out without my wig! I was so embarrassed, I wanted to go home and get my wig!
Harley
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