Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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People are so cruel. Even if they do not realize it. Harley, do not put your wig back on. I never wore one but I always wore my hats. One day at church a man came up to me that I have know but we don't talk very often. He wanted to know why I had my hat on. He continued to say that I didn't need it that I my hair was beautiful and I should stop wearing it. After that I did. You are beautiful with very short hair. We all are.
My best friend is the one that said something to me. I finally finished chemo and radiation (I was still doing Herceptin) and I mentioned how glad I would be for things to get back to normal. Meaning that I didn't have to go to the dr everyday and I could start healing. I had told someone else that and she was standing behind me and she said, "It's about time". I wasn't sure what she meant, but it really hurt. I am so sorry to inconvenience you with my breast cancer and treatment. I finished my Herceptin on January 7, 2008 and told her I was going for my last treatment and she never commented on it. I go tomorrow to have my port out (which is a tremendously big deal to me) and I am waiting to see if she comments on it. Oh well! I am better and that is all that matters. Good luck! Bonny
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Someone recently posted, perhaps on this thread, that there really is nothing that anyone can say that doesn't affect us negatively. Perhaps it's true. Eighteen months later and when my younger sister calls, she always asks in a mournful voice, how are you feeling? And it irritates me. If folks tell me "people don't die from cancer anymore," I think, how would you know? And if they suggest it's a serious disease," I think, "I'm not ready for the grave yet, thank you." I know that in the future if anyone I know is diagnosed with cancer, any kind, my only response will be, "I'm sorry. Can I help?" It's an unreasonable disease and it does make me act unreasonably at times.
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Bonny,
Thanks for that nice story! That man was very nice! I also have some neighbors who are retirement age, but they have to work at a local grocery store. They are SO NICE, too! Sam, the old guy, got so upset when I told him that the two things that make me a woman, my hair and my breasts, were gone... He said, DON'T SAY THAT! Well, I bought two wigs, and they are both red, but one is short and curly and the other is long and straight. When I wore the long one, his wife, Marie, said Sam, what to you think? He said, "You're HOT!" So, I try to remember the nice comments, and try to tune out the not too nice things that people say.
I know about people saying "ok...alright, already...let's talk about something else besides BC!" they may not say it in so many words, but they let you know that they are sick and tired of hearing our tales of woe... but then, they shouldn't ask us "how are you doing, how are you feeling?" ....
God Bless
Harley
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it really does amaze me what people feel the need to say or do, the one thing I received from what I though was a good friend was a powerpoint presentation on how I had brought this on myself, this presentation just went on and on, all negative, no positive - I let it twist me sideways for about a day and then I just decided to send back and say I just wasn't interested. I don't know what I would have done without all the wisdom I have read on this site and it has given me strength daily, I feel truly blessed and appreciate each and every one of you.
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Well, I was diagnosed over 2 years ago, have been out of treatments since June 2006, and I still get:
MW (Meant Well): How are you?
r (ravdeb..that's me!): Fine.
MW: No, I mean..HOW IS YOUR HEALTH????
r: fine.
MW: REALLY?
Then I think about saying..nah..not really, I'm dying..but never have the nerve. I have thought about asking if I really look that bad...
or..When was the last time I lied to you????
Just after I finished chemo (I was VERY sick on chemo and was hospitalized..almost died from the stuff) a fairly close friend said to me that he thought I was just trying to get attention when I said I couldn't make it to certain events. He felt I was trying to milk the situation for what it was worth! Grrrrrrrrrrr..that made me MAD!
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Tx, Sisters! This is hillarious!
These are my experiences with the medical system:
After I was diagnosed and wanted some answers, I asked, if I can get cancer markers to be checked... nurse replied: "There are NO BREAST CANCER MARKERS available", I was stunned to hear that, but believed it for several weeks, until I did my own research!
Ten days after double mastectomy I hardly walked into the nurses office to remove two drains... she said: "You should wear some stuffing, so you do not look SO FLAT!!!!! If I had the strenghts I would KILL her on the spot!
And... my husband's:
Two weeks after my db mast I got out of the bed and my husband said: "Well, you can go to work now!" (He is a great guy, as it was a steep learning curve for him and he is quite supportive now).
Again: I got that many times ..."my.... mother/sister/co-worker got this/that.... she is doing fine for xyz years.... and you will, too... I guess they mean well, as they do not want to listen that my case is different....
I was also insensitive to others, since I know my BC is the worst case and usually have mets...
Love you, sisters, keep fighting,....
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I went to a counselor I think after my second or so treatment when they told me the chemo I was on wasn't working and had to have surgery and then a different chemo after surgery.. and was at my wits end. I recently ran into that counselor and she said to me, "Oh, so your crisis is over now huh?" That just hit me the wronnngggg way. Will never go back to that one!
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LaurieL, that would hit me the wrong way, too! Sounds very condescending.
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Chelee - It sounds like your neighbor is the twin to my MIL. I have almost avoided all contact with this person for over a year and now must face her next weekend. Im praying strength that she doesn't upset me because for some bizarre reason I think she says these things deliberately. She makes a point of saying something very personnal and negative ever since she was told of my dx.
If any one read that book the 'Red Devil' there was a scene where the author described a FORMER friend had taken her to the movies. She did not know at the time it was a documentry movie about the horrors of radiation in Japan after the war and the movie showed very graphic pictures. The author was at the point of starting her radiation treatments and was very shaken by these scenes. She described how she turned to her friend to ask to leave the theater when she saw her friend WAS NOT watching the movie but instead was observing her reaction to the movie. How terribly evil this person was!! Anyway the author walked out and never spoke or saw this person again.
This is a tough journey and along the way we encounter some wonderful caring individuals as well the toxic ones. Some how we must struggle to find a way to put these toxic comments aside and remember that what goes around comes around! I hope to have some comments to throw back at my MIL next week when she flings the first stone. Any one have any good ones?
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cp418
Your MIL sounds a lot like mine.
Out of the blue, my MIL gave me a book on, of all things, sex after a mastdectmoy. I was shocked and horrified, to say the least, and even more so a few months later when I was DX with BC. I always thought this woman was evil but now I feel like she put some kind of an evil curse on me and our family. (Our son also developed cancer).0 -
Congrats on gettting your port out! I asked about getting mine out as soon as I got the word that I was going to have to permanently stop getting my Herceptin. The appointment was arranged about 2 weeks later. It was such a 'symbol' of cancer, that having it removed just made me feel like treatment was OVER and I was a survivor.
If it comes back, I'll have another installed and simply deal with that then. But I'm not going to live EXPECTING it. So this is SO much more fun now with it removed.
Good luck.
Janet
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A co-worked who was dx just months before me had to endure chemo and radiation in addition to a mast. She lost her hair and wore a wig for a few months. When her hair had finally grown out about 1/4 of an inch got tired of the wig (during the hot humit summer) so she went to dinner/drinks with her hubby. On the way out, a man stopped her and asked "Why do some of you women cut your hair so short - you look like a man!" She calmly told him she had just gone thru chemo and it was just growing back. She said the look of embarassment was priceless and it shut him and his cronies up. People can be so judgemental until they stop and get the facts.
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I had the same stupid comment made to me. I was at a party and a woman I didn't know walked up to me and in a loud voice said, "What possessed you to cut your hair so short? It looks horrible."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw my hostess hurrying over to us as she had heard the comment. She arrived as i finished smiling sweetly at the b@^% and said, " I didn't chose to cut my hair. I just finished chemotherapy a few months ago. Given the statistics of 1 in 7 women developing breast cancer, you may be next to have the same hair style."
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How can people be such *$$holes??!! I mean -- walk up to a stranger and insult their hairstyle?? I mean, even if it WASN'T chemo and WAS a style choice -- I can't imagine in a million years feeling entitled to insult a stranger's appearance like that !!! WTF??!!
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I think the ones that feel obligated to tell you about a friend, neighbor, aunt, mother or whomever DIED of breast cancer are the ones that get my goat the most!!!!
Kinda like when I was pregnant with all 3 of my children....I would have some stupid inconsiderate idiot....tell me about the woman they knew that had a stillborn baby......WHY do they do this????
I would NEVER think of telling someone something like that......grrrrrrr
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Aftre 30 years of marriage, I thought I had a good relationship with my MIL. However, she never called me during treatments to see how I was doing. When I finally felt okay enough to get out of the house for a family dinner, her first comment to me was at least I didn't have to go through what my 12 year old nephew was going through who had just broken his leg playing football. She went on to say football was everything to him and he may never be able to play again! I was stunned. I should have said I would take 2 broken legs over cancer, but I was speechless. Our relationship has never been the same since.
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Sassa - good on you, what a great comeback. People can be so stupid, hurtful and cruel and it that isn't enough other people defend them.
I've been doing this for 3 years, and live in a small town - don't know if it is the small town thing or what but once i was diagnosed people (even the ones I don't know well) said and did jaw dropping things and still do.I could write a book (an may) on this subject, but some honorable mentions are:
- "gee, it must be awful knowing you have active cancer cell inside you"
- in grocery store - she was 3 people back - yelled "oh hi, what is your prognosis"
- "better learn how to draw on eyebrows, you look like an alien and scare people"
- "holy crow, you have 1 ear that is bigger than the other"
- "why isn't your hair growing, it has been months?'"
- I actually had people take my hat off and rub my head!
- And the winner is:
- Dr. that gave me the news, (my doc was away) "get your affairs in order and enjoy each day, I have a friend in her 40's w bc and she is terminal, so it could be worse. I can say this because I have cancer
- I asked him for something to help me sleep at the beginning, he said best thing is hormones, course it raises your chance of breast cancer, but women don't care because it makes them feel so much better."
Thanks for the vent place.
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Hey Guys,
Since I was diagnosd with BC 18 months ago my relationship with my friends has changed. My friend of 38 years said some very hurtful things to me and was not there for me as I thought she would be. She said things like, " this chemo is just buying you time" and "with your bad luck I wouldn't buy any lottery tickets". On the flip side, my other childhood friend was wonderful. She respected my privacy, was vey positive and listened to me when I needed to talk. She never brought up the "C" word unless I did. She followed my lead and was such a comfort to me. I agree that the best thing to tell someone is, "I am sorry this is happening to you. What can I do to help?".
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I think of it this way: I was able to prune my friendship tree. I no longer spend time with negative people, people who didn't show up when I was diagnosed or even call me. I was surprised at the calls and cards I got from people I hardly them. THAT IS CLASS.
Here goes with the stupid comments:
SIL said, your brother drinks too much, but at least he is not facing death.
Good friend said, "you were such a good friend" This was via email.
Good friend said " so nice your husband stayed with you after mastectomy. Luckily, my other one is big enough for two.
One of my oncs said, you may live 5, 10, 15 or 20 years. Isn't that like saying you may be good at miniature golf or you may be an Olympian. I didn't get it. YIKES. Mary
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Whooo, "hardly knew." I can't think. Mary
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I've had the same experience Mary. The people I thought would be there that weren't and the people I hardly knew who have so been there. It's amazing and these people help you to forget the others.
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AnnNYC, I so agree!
Genia , have tried to figure that one out as well. And it seems like there is a rush to be the first to tell.
LindaMemm, I feel so badly for you. It seemed to hurt me more when it came from family.
Getwell, when friends aren't friends, but how wonderful for you that your other friend came through.
Mary, love your prunning the tree line. I will have to get out my shears. Your comments reminded me of
"my brother is dying, he promised me he would meet you with wings, what color do you want?"
a smoker friend "at least i've chosen my death"
Bmac, glad you had some truly good people show up. My doc says we all will have a friendship shift and the people you least expect, will be the people you can count on.
I am now going through some tests and interestingly the phone is ringing with the how are yous? I say ok, how are you? These are people that I never hear from, but want to be my best friend in case there is news. "Either get sicker or get better".
Gentle hugs to you all
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I love this topic. I was just telling my boss 2 days ago that when this part is done (mastectomy scheduled for 8/21), I'm going to write a top 10 list. I was just diagnosed late on the evening 7/24, and here are my diddies in no particular order so far: (sadly, I'm relatively new to all this so that should tell you that I either surround myself with total jacka$$es, or they feel comfortable enough around me to not be the least bit guarded, sensitive, or filtered....Gosh, I hope it's the latter)
o Thank God you have a man, think of those poor single woman who won't be able to meet someone.
o You already have your twins (as in real little boys - not as in my boobs), it's not like you need them anyway... they've served their purpose.
o Geez, you act like they're sewing up your vagina.. (I think the context around this was about sexuality and breasts don't count?)
o Long story short, I was in urgent care last Sunday for 4 hours, it was the first and only time I've cried since the news, and when I finally saw a damn Dr., he was expressing old blood from my breast (more than a cup of it ladies), and said, "we can't re-suture this or use surgical glue because it has to drain. We don't want bacteria to take hold and cause an infection because then your surgery would have to be delayed."
At which I replied, "ok, and the problem with that would be what? I get to keep my tit a little longer... Hmm, I'm not seeing your f.. point!"
My MIL this morning (she's provided me with lots of little doozies), "Karen, I know you're working through (whoever wrote the famous steps denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance, etc... MIL used the person name), and you are stuck at anger. You're going to have to get passed that, get your life back to normal and return to work. It's not going to do you or anyone else around you any good if you hang onto this anger." That one made me giggle and angry all at the same time. I simply giggled and said "Thank you for your words of wisdom Marie. I'll certainly work on that, but could I just be a little angry until my boob is gone and I've learned to accept it?"
Lastly, the one that hurt me the most to the very core of my being - words can not describe how mortally wounded I was.
Two days after receiving the news, I inform my mother of the results, and let her know that I have 2nd opinion and recon appts scheduled for the following week. My mother says, "Can I go to the plastic surgeon appt with you?"
I was quiet for a moment (becuase I was confused thinking the 2nd opinion would be more critical than the plastics) and finally said, "why?"
She said, "because I've always felt that my surgeon made a mistake on me and he refuses to see me. This would be a great opportunity to get my foot in the door and I could show him and see if he could do anything to help me." ( My mother endured bi-lat/recon 27 years ago)
Trust me, she droned on and on obviously suffering from mouth diarrhea which must have been a result from the lobotomy that I wasn't aware of, and then she got upset with me because she sensed from my silence that I was pissed off and didn't understand where she was coming from. She then went on the attack telling me to go ahead and tell everybody my twisted tale and she would just have to fix the mess I make later. Whatever. Like I would dare tell anyone. Would any of you want people to know that your mother is that self centered? Of course not.
But.... I do get tell all of you and that makes me very happy to be able to share.
Ahhh, that feels much better. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to express my thoughts. This is my very first post, I hope I don't offend anyone... My humor tends to run a little bit on the dark side
Karen
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I recently had another bc survivor tell me that my upcoming tx with Taxotere will be "a piece of cake" since apparently hers was. Thanks. Never mind that I just told you I was anxious and scared out of my mind. Never mind that you work in the mental health field. Never mind that we have been colleagues for last 9 years (about 6 of which she was my supervisor). Thanks - that was so very helpful. And followed it with I'd better deal with my stress level if I wanted to get rid of my cancer. WTH? So stress gave me cancer - then can I file a worker's comp claim, 'cuz it was from work, guaranteed!!0
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Cristine: Hey, thanks for the worker's comp idea! I'm a h.s. teacher - I'm sure that the stress of dealing with high school kids and their parents led to this, so I, too, can file a claim!
Karen - Welcome! Dark senses of humor always welcome. This is a great place to share all the "stuff" that we keep quiet elsewhere - families, colleagues, friends, medical professionals - here we can vent about just anybody and anything.
Sue
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Hi I thought we Australians were a pretty forthright lot (tactless, actually) but I have to say I've had nothing but genuine interest..the 'Everything you ever wanted to know about breast cancer, ask Kerry', which has been great for them and me..except for three notable exceptions:
1. The mother of a former student, a bc survivor, (I am a teacher) rang me the day after my first chemo. I was home in bed after a steroid-fueled night. "Hi Kerry! I just rang to see how you are getting on!", and then proceed to talk for one hour and fifty minutes about her own experience. Lucky I am a part-time Chaplain, or I may have screamed at her.
2. I went to pick up our car, which had just been detailed for sale. The guy who owns the business had a long, hard look at my beanie.
"Is there anything under that?" "No." "Why not? You got cancer or something?" "I have breast cancer." "Oh...so what happened..they chopped it off and then what?" "I actually had 3 operations, and now I have 18 weeks of chemo." "Oh. There's a lot of it about. I had a colonoscopy a month ago". He then talked for 15 minutes about his experience of the health system. It took me a while to realise that he is just a person who can't stop talking. But I still felt very lopsided.
3. I can put these experiences in perspective, but the one that really pissed me off was last week when I rang work to say I needed to sleep for 100 hours was having a day in bed. "You don't have to be Wonderwoman all the time, you know."
Well...I AM Wonderwoman ALL THE BF TIME, and so is everybody else on this site!
Don't worry about what people say, or how they look at you. Before you became ill, did you know what to say to a cancer-girl? (or guy?). Your dark senses of humor will get you all through, and man, I too cannot wait to get the port out in October. I make serious jewellery and I cannot wait to knock something up out of the port! Will post a pic.
And when people discuss risk factors ("What do you think caused it?"), look them in the eye and say "Anyone with nipples can get breast cancer". It takes a minute to sink in, but then it dawns on them. It can be anyone.
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I posted this in another thread a couple months back when it happened, but I'll post it here anyway, since it's relevant.
I'm 2 years postchemo, but am still carrying the 30+ pounds I gained while on steroids. (Being on Arimidex doesn't make it easy taking it off...plus I eat too much. LOL) I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned and the hygienist, who knew what I looked like before, said: "It must be horrifying for you when you look in the mirror."
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I would have bit her finger!!!
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Sandy: I know! I wish I would have eaten it and then said YUM!
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Karen, you poor thing with your insensitive mother. Unfortunately this is more common than one thinks....don't get me started about my sisters!
gsg, I laughed out loud! I can't imagine saying that to anyone (well I can, but certainly not someone who's been through what you have been through).
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