Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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Karen, it is amazing how many of us have mother issues. I was so angry at mine for her lack of support and neglect in my life. While going through treatment, I finally was able to work through the anger, because I realized it was hurting me more than her in the long run. It brought me such peace to find closure to a very long and unhappy relationship. To make a long story short, the next day (after I let go of the anger)I found out my mother, (whom I haven't spoken to in years), was nearing the end of her battle with lung cancer. She died last week, and while I have said prayers for her, I am so glad that I was able to come to terms with our relationship and move on. Some people just do not have the capacity to love others, no matter how much we try. They are too absorbed in themselves. I am so happy that I was able to realize this before her death. I have no guilt or remorse. I did all that I could do for our relationship and now she is in God's hands. I hope she is in a happier place. I feel it was her loss that she never embraced motherhood. She missed out on having a wonderful daughter.
Wow, I can't believe I went into this. I guess your mom's response was something I could relate to Karen. It is hard to have a mother who only sees her side of things. I just want you to know that you have every right to be angry, as long as it takes. But when you are finally able to let it go, you will come out of this dark tunnel into a light and happier place.
Don't let all the jerks out there get to you. People say a lot of really stupid things when they do not know what to say. Others words can only hurt us if we let them.
Maybe it is all that melotonin that I am taking, but I am so happy now that even being cut off by another driver doesn't even phase me. I will keep taking my drug!
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People can be so insensitive! I love these stories - maybe stress but I find humor and wonder for each of these comments what I would have said back...or just stood there with my jaw dropped. Unless you have lived with the fears and side effects of this awful disease - people have no idea what we have and are going thru. (sorry hit touch pad and sent before finished)
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Linda, you are so wise and I'm so glad that you were able to let go. I am now estranged from my two sisters as of February of this year. They just couldn't be there for me (although they were during my ovarian, except that I became estranged to one of them then as well!).
I realized (actually I knew for a very long time) that this had been going on for a very long time; my one sister does not have the empathy gene and both are so wrapped up in themselves that they never had much time for me or much interest in me or my family.
I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. If they couldn't be nice to me and supportive now, when would they ever be? Never. I'm glad that I'm not seeing them anymore but I am still sad and mad that they felt entitled to treat me the way they did. I'm still working on that; however, I have had my decision validated by a social worker I've been seeing. She says that I practiced due diligence in trying to make the realtionships work and I am now doing what I need to do for my own health.
Good luck to all with family issues. It's one more thing to deal with when we already have so much else to deal with.
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I was just reading through this thread from the stupid, insensitive, crude, foot-in-mouthitis, hateful, etc. comments and I was thinking OMG where do these people come from? But then it hit me, there was a time when I wasn't a cancer patient, have I ever been one of those well-meaning insensitive people? The answer made me cringe. So I was able to put myself in that person's shoes. Some people just plain don't know how to deal with things or what to say and I can excuse those people, even understand them. As for the A$$holes...have at em.
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"I'm just glad it was you [who got breast cancer] and not me."
and when I let those words hang in the ether, she added
"You know, because I have kids!"
--- from a family member I love enough to let her remain nameless.
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Wow. That was messed up, Rock. Now, she's definitely in the A$$hole category.
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I like the idea of pruning the friendship tree. I know many who would get rid of! My boss of 4 years (I'm asisstant manager) has not called me, e-mailed me or even sent a fricking card to me since i have been off. I had a unil w/TRAM and reduction. The least she could do is call to see how I am!
My mother is just as good. I told her I would be starting chemo in Sept. Her reply"But I started first!' (She has ovarian CA). Like this is a contest??!!?? Who gets chemo firt and who has the worst SE's? This is why I don't answer my phone and let the machine pick up!
D
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I hated it when people would tell me well, you look good when I can see what is happening in the mirror. And also why are you just working half day what do you do after you go home, when you are so fatigued you barely make it the half day. People just don't know unless they go through it.
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BMac, i have finally realized that you can still love your family members from afar, but not really LIKE them. I have decided that some of my friends really are more like family. They treat me like a sister. I don't feel guilty about that anymore, like I used to. I have been told to stay away from NEGATIVE people. Imagine, if you can't be nice to us now, when will you ever be nice? I did have one in-law relative tell me I should be greatful that I am still here. I don't understand how that ensures that I will be here for a long time. I had trouble wrapping my mind around that one havingl just lost a rather large (D) part of my anatomy, no longer functioning ovaries, no sex drive, gained 20 lbs., I just didn't get. I don't think she understood that I may not be here next year. Sooo, needless to say, I will limit family functions as best I can. Thanks for listening everyone. Mary
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Spar2 - I'm a little tired of the "but you look good" statements also. Had chemo 4 days ago, feel like crap, but, hey I look good! NOT. I've had at least 2 people say that to me this time. Thank you?0
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Wow, there are some doozies here. I think something a friend of 20+ years said to me might have been the worst.... although I guess she thought maybe it would cheer me up somehow:
"I'm gonna be so jealous - you are going to have perky boobs (cuz of recon) and all kinds of cute wigs!"
I was like "honey I'd rather have gray hair & boobs to my knees than cancer!"
That pretty much shut her up.
JulieR
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I think the worst for me were :
1) it is only DCIS (like it didn't count as cancer and the mastectomies didn't mean anything either)
2) Hey you get a free boob job
3) well at least you don't have to have mamos anymore
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I can't compete with any of these, but it may just be a matter of time! What irks me is the people who tell me how important it is to be "positive." I know they mean well, but I thought I was being positive. Frankly it gets exhausting being positive at work all day, and then having to put on a smiley face all the time for your friends and family too. Sometimes the most "positive" thing for me is to just acknowledge how I'm feeling. That's what the most positive people in my life have been doing.
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Mine was hey you get a free boob job and tummy tuck
My hubby said can you make them bigger to the doc
(Yes i got them bigger but for me not him!)
and most recently my hubby has joined the a$$hole club by his most recent comment of get over it you'gotta just get over it all
and then I have ppl at work who ask you're cured aren't you or are you gonn use this as an excuse now?
And don't even get me started on all the POSITIVE ppl!!!!
I can't even acknowledge how I am feeling, Alicia! I 'm cured remember??? LOL SOME ppl!!!
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I am so thankful for this site. I am sure people around me get sick of talking about this stuff because they can get on with their lives - it is not a part of "them". I look forward to coming home from work where I put on my "happy face" and signing on to this site where others know what I am going thru and feeling and the fears and problems we face. You are ALL so helpful and such a great support system!!! Thanks!
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Lets see, my personal favorite, hmm, so hard to chose. My number one personal favorite was a co-worker asking me if now that I only have 1 breast, am I only going to date men with 1 testicle. Let's see, I don't think there is an e-harmony just for men with 1 testicle! Yes, this truly happened.
Most recently, someone who I used to work with called me trying to get me to go to work with him. He wasn't aware of what I was going through because I hadn't been close enough to tell him. I told him I was prepared to make any moves right now because I was undergoing chemo for breast cancer. His response was "Hmmm, chemo, how is that working for you?". Let's see, that would be crappy. No "I'm sorry that you're going through this, is there anything I can do". I told him don't call me, I'll call you.
I have a friend who is undergoing treatment for liver cancer. His long-term prognosis is not good. When I first got dx'd, he would start a war of SE's to see whose were worse. Now, when he tries to start in, I just tell him that he won, he has it far worse than I have. I apparently am the "lucky one" because I "just" have bc!! His words, not mine.
When I hear stupid things, I just keep telling my self "Like a duck, like a duck" (water off my back!!).
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MissU: I can't stop laughing about your e-harmony comment. Please ask your coworker for me if they only date people with no brains.
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priz, I had a similar experience when I had ovarian cancer. First of all when I told my boss I had to go in for surgery her first comment was "Was this a surprise?" as in I had just come back from vacation and now I was taking time off for surgery and had I planned all this just to get more time off!
After the surgery I called her to let her know that it WAS cancer so I would be off during treatments and she didn't call me once during the time I was gone to see how I was, not once. It's hard to believe people can be like that.
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Someone said to me when I told them I would loose my hair: "wow...think about all the money you'll save on shampoo"...
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This thread is hysterical! Glad to know we've all had idiots weigh in on our situations and can laugh about them together. My jaw-dropper was my MIL who phoned from cross-country a few weeks after I'd been dx'd and asked my husband, "Can she still walk?," to which he replied -- yes, about 3 miles a day. She then proceeded to tell him that not being able to walk is one of the first things that will happen! And this woman is a retired RN!
I also had a phone solicitor for an organization that supports children with cancer call a few days ago. After telling him nicely that we have our favorite charities, can't support them all, etc., he continued to go on and on about these children having cancer. I finally said (gently, thinking he would change his pushy tone and say something kind), "Yes, I understand... so do I." To which he replied, "But these kids are 6 years old!"
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dlb, I am soooo glad she is retired! LOL
as far as the phone solicitor, his reply was well then you should give more! yea right LOL
SOME ppl!
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A lady I know who has battled cancer at least three times said somethiing that floored me. She said how is your cancer doing. LIKE hey it is somebody. I can't remember what I even said. You would think she would have said somthing else .But we all mispeak .
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You're right, there are people who are quite insensitive when making comments about our condition. When I made a similar comment to someone close to me, she told me to understand that these comments reflects the fear people (specially women) have of cancer. It's helped me to think this way, but that doesn't mean I don't get upset. So, depending on who the person is, I do express my feelings to them and set up a boundary, otherwise, I ignore them.
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In my hospital room a couple hours after my bilateral mastectomies surgery with immediate reconstruction, sentinel node bx and port insertion in extreme pain when the shift change - a crew of 3 who I thought were all nurses since they never introduced themselves came in and one said "We are the 7 p.m.-7 a.m. crew and we like to have fun at work"- I didn't find out to post hospitalization to someone called me about how was my hospital stay that that dizzy blond was just a nurse's aide and the other 2 were mousy nurses. I actually thought the blond was my primary care nurse since the other two hardly spoke up. They did not know how to handle my 8/10 pain- While I was in pain one of them is trying to lift my arm over my head so I wouldn't get frozen shoulder - I screamed. Comments were made like other people don't have this pain. I wanted to scream yes I opted to have a double mastectomy so I could get narcotics. This was at a breast cancer specialty hospital.
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I thought of another one that happened to me. I had a delay between my Feb. 25 lumpectomy and May mastectomy (long story). During that time, I was confiding to my hair stylist that I'd had a lumpectomy, was probably going to need a mastectomy, and that I'd also been told I would need chemo, but was going to get a second opinion. She seemed really bothered by the fact that I was uncertain about and even questioning my future treatment. (I was still in shock over the news that I needed further treatment, and had just set an app't. for a second opinion.) Anyway, after telling me that the women she's known with bc got their surgery and chemo very quickly and would never have questioned their doctors, she paused, looked at me and asked, "Are you sure you have breast cancer?"
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A few of my friends said I would get double D's I have always been small busted and I didnt get BC to inhance my chest plus dont know about you guys but with the side effects of chemo I have no desire for MOJO again...forgot my hair dresser has always wanted big ones and she said that is a good way to get a free boob job and she reads the bible everyday GOD help us all to have a sense of humor ...
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Last year my mom called the Komen foundation to order 2 copies of the special Pink edition CD from Garth Brooks when it was released, one for her (dx 2001) and one for me (dx last yr). The woman she spoke to asked mom if she wanted to donate any extra money to Komen on top of the price of the CDs. My mom had stated previously that she was a survivor as well as her daughter. My mom said that we had already given 3 boobs to BC and would not give anything else.
Sheila
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My friends/family were telling me that since I "only" had DCIS, if you are going to get bc, that's the one that you want to get......how comforting.
Joyce
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that reminds me of the people who have hodgkins or nonhodgkins lymphoma...i'm not sure which but one is supposed to be the "good" hodgkins. are you kidding me? since when is there a good disease?
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DebraLynn - your daughter rocks.0
