Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
-
Hi all,
I'm new to this board and really enjoyed this topic.
I started chemo the end of February and was getting shots after the first one (nupegena) (not sure of the spelling) and then nuelasta.. The nuelasta is very expensive, so I was telling a co-worker about it and she told me to tell my oncologist not to prescibe it for me--for that reason...I later found out a couple of other co-workers jumped on her because of that statement...
Angie
0 -
Thank God we can share this ^&^*&W^$@&%# here. Sorry there are so many sorry stories.
I can hardly type this one. Yesterday, was a bad day, what with chemo brain a TIA and all the frustration that goes along with not being able to think etc. I am also stressed about an upcoming brain mri. My hub got mad at me for crying and 'what is with you today?" I told him that it didn't help that he and my son were impatient with me and critical of things I say as is i can't do or say much right. He said "we are victims too , we have lost you".
jb
0 -
Ten minutes after I received the biopsy report that read "invasive ductal carcinoma" which was less than 24 hours after I went for a routine mammogram that detected a lump followed 15 minutes later by a biopsy, my male gynecologist called me to refer me to a surgeon. The point of the timeline is that all of this had happened VERY QUICKLY -- from nothing to cancer in less than a day. When I asked him about the diagnosis,he said in a totally bored voice "Sounds like run-of-the-mill breast cancer to me". I was so astounded that I could hardly talk, and never went to him again, of course.
0 -
I have been fighting BC for the last 14 months and will be having my 7th surgery in about 2 weeks. This has been more than Hell for me. Every thing that can go wrong, has. Today, I heard the worst possible things from my adult son. I had just spray painted our front screen door when he came in and started screaming at me. (Not because I was doing some work that I should not have done but because I smelled up the house with the paint!)
FIrst, he told me GOD, if there is one, gave me an inferor body or caused my cancer! (I was horrified, he had lost his belief in God). Then, he proceeded to call me a falure because I have not returned to work. Finally - so what - I not young like him so who cares if I should die. Not a good day. I think I need a good long cry, and then throw my son out.
0 -
mb, the only good thing about your post is that you did have such rapid attention after your mammogram. I think that is the exception, and not the norm. My next crusade......
Jean, I will be right over to help you carry that ungrateful kid's stuff to the curb! Hopefully, he will beat me there, apologize and give you a shame-faced hug. If not, {{{gentle hugs}}}
Good luck to you both.......
0 -
hi Pansy - just to be clear. my gynecologist was NOT the one who so rapidly detected and diagnosed the bc -- it was the mammogram doctor (a woman) who was just fantastic in making things go quickly, which I know is not the norm.... thanks for the good wishes -- our dx's are identical so best of luck 2 u 2!! embee
0 -
I am a 3 time survivor of Breast cancer. I was first diagnosed at age 42 (1997) just in time for my 20th wedding anniversary- change of plans there! Underwent lumpectomy and rad. tx on the left for DCIS. Continued to work, take care of family and home thru treatment. At age 48 (2004), found a small knot on right side- bx. showed ILC and had lumpectomy again. During the course of radiation this time, continued to work, take care of family and home like the first time (hint, hint- no help again from husband). Half way thru radiation, my RT physician told me she knew me well enough to tell that I was having a hard time of it and she suggested a trial of antidepressant which I finally but relunctantly agreed to. When I discussed this that evening with my dear husband of 27 years (remember this is the second time around for this during our marriage), he looked at me and said "Well you are DEpressed, so that's what is wrong with you". This comment was in June, our son moved out on his own in August and yeah, well--- I moved out in November, 2004. After I moved out and left this totally insensitive man, I was no longer DEpressed (went off antidepressants a month later). I was diagnosed on the left again with DCIS and IDC the following April 2005. A year to the day from the previous year's lumpectomy, I had bilateral mastectomies. By July of 2005, I most definitely was no longer DEpressed, but he was most definitely DIVORCED. His comments to friends (he even called my physician who refused to discuss anything with him of course) was that having cancer again had made me sort of crazy and he had no idea what he had done wrong. I am now completely totally happy and have gotten remarried- to a wonderful, sensitive, considerate man who doesn't care that I chose not to try reconstruction (not recommended due to the radiation). He is a "butt" man and he informs me that mine is "hot". He makes me laugh and truly feel loved by the one I love.
0 -
Good for you Aspen! Chuckled at your source of depression!
0 -
Aspen, awesome story- Thank you.
0 -
someone said to me: I know you may feel like you have a life threatening disease, but decades ago pneumonia was typically fatal and then they discovered antibiotics; now with breast cancer we have chemo and so many other detections and treatments; we have come so far.... you should not feel like this is life threatening......AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH
0 -
Ok , so after all that ....lets change the question -- what would we prefer someone say?
0 -
Keryl, that's a different thread. This one's about "the worst thing someone said to you." What you're looking for is at the top of the page under the heading, "Just Diagnosed." It's a thread with a title like, "What are some things you wish people had said?". There are already lots of ideas there, so please add more!
otter
0 -
My Cousin who doesnt email me often. Emailed me today & said that 2 women she knows said Almonds help prevent bc. And she thinks I should start eating them
Pam
0 -
Pam, thanks for sharing that. I'll run out now and go buy some. And here I always thought it was apricot pits. Almonds are so much tastier!
Gee!
0 -
I told a co worker that one of my sisters has end stage emphysema and she said well we all gotta die sometime! I dont speak to that co worker any more.......SHeesh!!!!!!
0 -
OK new one today....was told to be thankful for BC!! Thankful?? Then this co-workers told no one ever dies from BC anymore cuz so many advacements have been made. What a clueless woman!!! Yes a women told me this. Guess she can keep her head in the sand if she wants! (sigh!)
0 -
sbmolee, hope she doesn't have to find out the hard way.
my co-worker story today - told her i wouldn't be coming back in sept (school). I am telling staff that I don't feel well and am taking more time. (actually, tests and doc orders). She flat out asked if it was 'the cancer' and if it wasn't was i terrified. I told her i felt to poopy to feel afraid and she said 'that's good, better to be sick than afraid." Every day I shake my head.
0 -
I truly think people mean well. I sensed that they really just didn't know what to say. When they would tell me I would be fine, I wanted to scream and ask how they knew this! When they looked at me with pity, I wanted to smack them and say "how about a smile?" HOWEVER, the best lines thru all of this have come from my MIL! She has managed to say a couple of doozies to me, so there they are:
1. When I first learned of my tx schedule, she informed me it would be better for my teenage children to take me to radiation, oncologist appts. etc rather than my husband. This way they would have a memory of their mother! What a lovely memory..me at the lowest point of my life!
2. When the hair issue came up last week, she offered to buy me a wig. OK, sounds nice. But she then paused and thought about it and offered me my husband's dead aunts beehive wig instead! "No point in it going to waste!" This aunt has been dead for over 10 years and was no where close to my age!
My husband is now fielding all calls from his mother, God bless his soul.
0 -
Wow, I just finished reading this entire thread; it took several days. I find some of the comments breathtaking. I consider myself fortunate that I have only had one comment. It was from a volunteer at the radiation lab. This sweet old lady in what I guess was an attempt to comfort me said, "Now a days breast cancer is no worse than having a root canal." Thank goodness I was having a good day so I responded by explaining very gently that breast cancer involves a bit more than a trip to the dentist. I described the rashes, blisters, pain and scars.I think this particular volunteer now undestands a bit more about what goes on in the back room.
I am retired so I haven't had to deal with the comments at work. The outfit I used to work with was filled with some of the most insensitive people you would care to meet, so I am really glad I didn't have to deal with them.
My heart goes out to those of you who have been subjected to not just one stupid comment but a barage of them. Albert Einstein said, "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
0 -
Let's see..
When I got diagnosed the second time, the nurse says, "well, it's JUST DCIS this time." WHAT?
Everytime I go to visit my father, who resides in a nursing home, I take my mom with me. There is a nurse there every single time who atlked to my mother about me as if I am not there. "Your daughter looks so good, how is she doing?," etc. It drives me nuts.
0 -
I had told most the people in my office (5) but had not told too many distant coworkers in field offices. My surgery is scheduled a week before I was going to run a big workshop so I called these other co-workers to tell them the workshop was cancelled. Each of them asked why and I told them about my surgery. Some of the comments were quite nice "sorry to hear this" "I'll put you in my prayers" etc. Here are some of the stranger ones - all from men:
"Are they going to ... you know ... um .... remove .... it?" I told him I wasn't sharing that info. (I'm scheduled for a lumpectomy)
"Which one?" Does that really matter?
"I'm glad my wife doesn't have that" Okay, is that supposed to make me feel better? I wish NO ONE had it.
"How do you know you have it?" and "Are you sure you have it?" No, I get my jollys by telling everyone I have cancer when I really have a hangnail.
Beth
0 -
"Have you gotten your papers in order?" I felt like shooting her. Might still do it.
Annie
0 -
- Wow! At least we're all in this together, and WE understand, even if others don't. I think as many of you have said, these folks mean well. Here are a few I've experienced:
- *My primary doctor, on feeling my throat and neck at a visit a couple of days prior to surgery - "OMG!!!! Do you have a family history of thyroid cancer?" and after asking some gastro questions, "OMG!!! Those are all symptoms of ovarian cancer!!!" She's young, she'll learn (hopefully)
- *A relative, after I told her about the appt with my primary, "That crazy doctor is acting like you have a real cancer."
- *A co-worker who is weight obsessed - "Do you think this was caused by your weight? Or because you used to smoke?"
- *I had been preparing for gastric bypass surgery when I was diagnosed. Several folks have commented that maybe I'll lose weight this way instead!
- *A friend, after receiving an email from me breaking the news of my diagnosis, (Subject line of email from me was "bad news") immediately responded, telling me I should see it as good news, not bad news, since it was caught early.
- *Another friend responded by telling me lots of people get breast cancer...it's no big deal. I haven't heard a single word from her since then.
- *many friends who can't seem to get the word "cancer" to come out of their mouths, instead expressing sympathy for my "condition" or my "recent bad luck". They make it sound like an unwanted pregnancy!!!!
Ok, enough complaining from me for now. Thanks for listening!!
0 -
Gosh, Jean, maybe your son is having a hard time dealing with his own fears. I know for me, fear comes out as anger. Anger is easier to handle than fear sometimes.
Well, I had two comments back to back last week. I had to cut back on my hours at work and this man came in and asked where I had been. I told him I was undergoing BC treatment. His answer was, "well, we all have something....I am getting old and do not like it".
The very next night, I was at a women's 12 step meeting. I was sharing how I was coming to accept that due to the expander pain, I was coming to terms with being much smaller that I was before BC. This out of town woman tells me "I have had my implants for 10 years and you will love them. Blah, blah, perky, blah, blah, will still be standing upright in the grave, blah, blah." After the meeting, I asked her about her BC. She did not have BC, she just had implants to make her breasts bigger????????? How the hell does that compare to having both breasts (including nipples) removed and then be told that they cannot expand you even to your normal size. Fortunately, she was such a likeable person otherwise that I could not hate her even though I may have wanted to.
I don't want pity and there is nothing anybody can say that will make this any different. A simple, "I am so sorry to hear that." would suffice. If they are close to me, they can add "is there anything I can do for you?" I usually reply with "I would like a hug". Hugs always make me feel better.
Debbie
0 -
gg
0 -
For me most people have been great even those who have told me they don't know what to say. I respect that and understand it. I did have one "friend" who when I was upset about something that she had done, she told me that I was attacking her and overreacting and that I should just "focus on my health". Really? What a novel idea...I hadn't thought of it. I unfortunately have to focus on my health every minute of every day as I AM BATTLING CANCER! Idiot....
0 -
When my parents told my older sister that I was having a mastectomy, she asked "what do they do with the breast once it's cut off", like they donate the old cancer ridden thing to someone less fortunate, after they guillotine it off leaving a gaping wound on my chest. It was funny on so many levels I laughed all day about it. (This is the sister who at 12 years old believed that the cotton patch we were driving past was a marshmallow crop.) I love my sister, and I don't even care that she's one sandwich short of a picnic.
0 -
I was fortunate to have my cancer found very early on. It was small, localized and with clear margins and negative lymph nodes. Still while waiting to hear the news from my pre-surgery biopsy, as well as post-surgical pathology reports and my Oncotype score, my husband and I experienced a full range of roller coaster emotions. When I heard,"Think positive" from two strangers, I was furious! The first time I heard this from a young hairdresser whom I barely knew, The second time was, believe it or not, from my young oncologist!!!!! I thought she doesn't even know who I am, but surely as an oncologist, she should know that anyone, as well as their loved ones, are initially in shock and frightened, even upbeat people like myself. I thought, while I am optimistic, I'm also allowed other feelings following diagnosis and post-treatment, as I adjust to the new normal!
I remember reading awhile back that some cancer patients believed they had failed when their cancer recurred. They believed it recurred because they hadn't been sufficiently positive. Thankfully, it was only these two people. (I'm glad I have never said this to anyone undergoing cancer treatment, because I found it irritating. Lots of you came back with some great retorts. God bless you all!!!
0 -
LOL!! Poor thing, it's not her fault she's intellectually challenged!!! You gave me my laugh for today!! 0
-
My boss' wife came into the office and said that I looked good for all that I have been through. I don't know if she thought I looked like shit or if I looked "normal" LOL
0
