Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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Two days after being diagnosed, my husband's secretary asked how I was doing. I told her "not that great right now". Then she proceeded to give me a lecture on keeping a positive attitude. I cut her off and said "Geez, I was just diagnosed two days ago. Give me a break will ya?" This shut her right up.
During a telephone conversation, a friend started to tell me that her aunt had breast cancer and after the chemo she proclaimed that it was the best thing that ever happened to her! I told the friend that I had to go and promptly ended the call.
The best advice I got was from a priest in our parish. He looked me in the eyes and stated..."Many people go through this and they manage to get through it...don't forget, you will too!" It made me feel like I wasn't alone, which was great.
Lately, I've been answering a question with a question, like Ann Landers used to advise. If somebody asks an intrusive question I just say "Why do you want to know?"
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Hummmm... well I know some people don't know what to say even though they mean well... And then there are the ones that just don't even think or realize how ridiculous they sound. But one thing that aggrivates me are the ones that ask how you are doing and before you can really answer they start telling you how they are doing and their problems and how so and so did this and you should to. I just look at them and don't say a word. I should just walk away. What is it they say. Other people making other people sick??? Stress..... no......lol
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Well the stupiest thing someone said to me just makes me shake my head. I was explaining to an aquaintance that I was just 6 months post breast cancer and post mastectomy. They looked at me cocked their head to the side and said "So you a breast cancer survivour then" I just looked at them and said "Uh yeah I am here talking to you" Then they just said OH!
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Someone once said to me, WOW your hair grew back quick. I was wearing a wig.
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This thread could go on indefinitely, because the stupid comments are endless!
From a nurse when I had my biopsy - cyst did not disappear upon aspiration, so biopsy was done - "I think I'll just get mine both cut off".
From my MIL: - her husband knows how I feel because he had bladder cancer - at 85, and it's the surface kind that they "scrape" out. Not the same as a mastectomy and chemo at 49!
From my SIL - the stress of my job gave me cancer.
From SIL #2 - an email detailing how negative emotions cause cancer.
From a friend with Chrone's disease - her disease isn't "sexy" like cancer - I forgave her, but "sexy" is not exactly how surgery, chemo, instant menopause and tamoxifen have made me feel!
I really get my back up at the stress/positive attitude crap. Don't have to look far to know it just ain't so. Just a way to blame the sick person and keep a false sense of security.
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I think that some people are very avoidant regarding their own mortality and upon hearing of any serious illness go into a kind of 'shut down' mode. They then respond by either blabbering or avoiding the person who is ill. I try to be understanding as they cannot help it.
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Nena makes an important point. We can shake our heads and laugh (or cry) at the stupid things people say. For me, though, the worst thing someone has said to me is .... nothing.
Whether it's because they don't know what to say (and are afraid of saying something stupid), or because our illness has awakened them to their own risks, the utter silence and avoidance we may experience from close family members and friends can be devastating.
I think it's worse than when we hear ignornant or callous statements, because there is no way I can make myself laugh about the silence.
otter
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Picking up on the point Otter made, I think I've figured out that people are sometimes uncomfortable because they have no idea of your prognosis, and wouldn't dream of asking you directly. So, the silence or avoidance comes from not knowing how to be around you, or if it's okay to call you. What I started doing that seems to help is, when I'm asked about my bc, I immediately add something to the conversation that assures them there's no reason to be less than upbeat. Maybe something like, " ... and the good news is my doctors at UCLA assure me they can cure me." That seems to keep the conversation on the right track and avoid an awkward silence where they're wondering how serious it really is and what to say next.
I also wanted to add that, as compassionate as I think I am, I, too, have been guilty of saying the stupidest things at times. Ever since reading and adding to this thread, one that's come back to haunt me is the new friend perhaps 15 years ago, when we were both mothers of toddlers, who confided that her sister had been murdered in a domestic abuse situation. My brilliant response? "You're kidding!" It was just a total shock reaction on my part -- not a valid thought -- but I'm sure ranks up there as one of the stupidest things anyone ever said to her. Deanna
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I just found this thread and thought I'd share....
When my neighbor, whom I'm not that close to, found out I had BC, she said OMG, my sister in law died from that! I told her I was sorry to hear that but did not plan to die from BC.
I think people just don't know what to say.
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How about this one? My mother, who is struggling to hold strong for me, told me recently with a wave of her hand, "There are so many other worse diseases out ther: Lou Gherig's, Multiple Sclerosis. Breast cancer is an easy one to fight." Hmmmm, easy? Tell that to my scarred, tired, bald, wiped out body.
Make me realize what I will NEVER say to anyone going through something I've not experienced, KWIM?
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Makes me think that there are two kinds of people - those who have "hit the wall" and those who have not. Brease cancer is not the worst experience I can think of - I would rather die of BC, than my daughter die young of it. I've had a few "walls" in my life, and it has (I hope) made me less judgemental, more compassionate, but I still say stupid things, and some I don't even know about. It's when the stuped comments are accompanied by a callous attitude and distancing actions that they are really hurtful to me.
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A friend of mine was told she needed to have 2 vertebrae in her neck fused. She said "at least breast cancer has an end, my neck pain is the rest of my life." I was speechless! She tried to tell me her neck pain was worse than breast cancer? The sad part is, I don't think she meant that I would die and it would be over, I think she meant that when I finished treatment, it was over!!!!! (I wish)
I also HATE when people say "your hair will grow back, at least you'll live" . I told the last woman who said that to me "then let me shave your head, don't worry you'll live". I KNOW I will live, if I didn't think I would live I wouldn't care that I was bald!!!!!
I actually like it better when people say things like "your poor thing" or "I wish I could help" because my reaction is then "Don't worry about me, I got this thing licked!" or "I'll be just fine, I can fight this". I think it is because it somehow puts me in control. When people say "you'll be just fine" it makes me feel like either they don't think it is a big deal or they are taking control of how I will be.
One thing I have learned though is that everyone is different, other survivor friends of mine want others to tell them "they will be fine" because it reassures them. Or they feel better when someone tells them their hair will grow back as it reminds them that living is the most important.
I actually had someone say to me that "At least yours isnt as bad as 'so and so's.' theirs is much worse than yours, theirs is stage....blah blah" I'm thrilled my was caught early, I'm not an idiot, someone ALWAYS has it worse than me- no matter what is going on in my life! Chemo is chemo I dont care what stage it is. Bald is bald, mastectomy is mastectomy...........
When I was being fitted for my wig, the lady helping me got mad at me when I starting crying. She said to me "I can't believe you dont mind having your breast cut off, but you are crying over losing your hair." I could'nt believe she said that to me! - Don't worry though, I told my oncologist and lets just say, she isn't fitting women for wigs anymore!
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The one that made me simmer was, "I don't know why people want to do radiation anyway, all that radioactive stuff." My jaw hit the floor, but my professional persona (I'm clergy) stopped me from saying what I really wanted to say ("Um, because we want to live?"). Instead I pulled out my partner's gracious line (which I had rehearsed in advance)--"Well, everyone's journey is different; we really trust my doctors and we'll see what they say and make our own decision,"
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For me it really depended on the tone and heart behind the comments.
Some people just aren't sure what to say, but they want to show their support, kindness, interest in our cancer and its outcome, etc. I was never upset by some of the goofy, scratch your head "why would they say that?" things said to me if I knew the motivation behind them came from a good place. We're all human and sometimes things can come out all sideways. Some became inside jokes for myself and close friends and family.
Like a younger male relative of mine who called out of the blue one day to see how I was doing. During our conversation at one point he said, "Yeah this guy I work with,..he's got xxx kind of cancer,...and my girlfriends uncle does too....Geez its like everybody's getting cancer now...hope I don't get it."
And there was the time after my hair started growing back, when one of my daughters coaches, a good guy and apparently the only person in our small little town who DIDN'T know about my cancer, teased me about the major change in appearance at a game. Going from hip length dark hair to a barely there light, light blonde pixie. Had he left it at that, I would have laughed it off and went on my way. But he kept asking about my "haircut" until I finally shrugged and laughed, "Thats just the way it grew back after the chemo." thats when I realized he didn't know!! He felt terrible and apologized profusely. So its become a joke, that I should have told people who commented on my hair or asked where I got it done, "Thanks!...I got it done over at Kansas City Cancer Center".
But unfortunately, I've also heard some pretty callous and mean things as well.
The nurse I had after my mastectomy seemed irritated to have to actually check in on me occasionally. Every time she came into my room, she would tell me that I didn't even need to be there overnight,.."It was just a mastectomy, there is no reason really that they aren't done outpatient. Its not like its major surgery. Its not even an internal organ, its external. A tonsillectomy is a more serious surgery."
Its JUST a mastectomy?! Talk about rude and dismissive!
But the worst thing I've heard I'm embarrassed to even admit to. Someone actually said while I was going through chemo, "I wish you would just hurry up and @*% die!" during an argument. I could have lived my entire life without ever hearing those words, let along from someone who claimed to love me.
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Weedhopper - I hope you kicked this person's *ss to the curb!!!
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Wow Weedhopper, too bad that person couldn't tell you what they really thought. That's unbelievable.
Today, while I was trying on a new dress I bought (for my son's grad from University) with different mast bras to see which one would work best with the neckline (now isn't that a challenge!), I remembered something that was said to me. It was by the homecare nurse three days post-op. I mentioned to her about how ironic it was that I have no breasts and my daughter (then 15 1/2) is waiting until she turns 18 so she can have a reduction. I was opening up to her about how upsetting being big breasted was for my daughter and she said to me "It sounds like you're jealous". What??? As if I would be jealous of my beautiful daughter. Actually I was very sad that she has to deal with this. It breaks my heart. What a jerk.
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I have a very similar story to Weedhopper....when I was first dx I had a nephew ( I say had because I don't consider him my nephew anymore) e-mail me a note about how he was very upset that he and his mom had not been invited to a party that they thought I hosted ( which I didn't) so as far as me getting cancer " what goes around comes around" and he can't wait to see what happens next to me.
with family like that who needs enemies
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That is unbelievable Lucy. I spoke with my wife about this when she was first diagnosed. Many people don't know how to act or what to say. Many people are just great and say and do all the right things. I don't know why its hard for others but I accept that it is. I personally don't like the "stay positive" lectures. My wife has always been positive for as long as I've known her yet she got breast cancer anyway. I like to hear people say that they are thinking and praying for her and are willing to help.
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Now that I gave you a bad story.....I thought a funny one was in order.
I went to see my onc for a follow up appt last Sept. and I was 5 month post chemo treatment. I was at the front desk checking-in and the clerk was admiring my coach purse. I told her it was a present from my dh and she says " what did you do to deserve that" I smiled at her and pointed to my head and said "chemo". She turned all red and said OMG you deserve that and more...I agreed
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Going through it all for the past seven years, I have learned who is a true friend. I have no tolerance, now, for flaky at heart anymore. I just will not take crap anymore. I have heard some very insensitive things from people, which has sharpened my antenna !!! I haven't made up mind wether people are just simply menacing or just don't know any better... .
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Hey Anamaria
I think you are right on the 'antenna' - you get better and better at determining who just took stupid pills and who is being purposefully antagonistic or mean.
No time to deal with them anymore! And the dumb comments? I try to remember that I've said some doozies in my time - totally innocently.
Amy
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To weedhopper: I hope you reported your nurse!! People like her have no business in healthcare. I am absolutely shocked and she needs to be fired!
To Lucy47: your nephew needs a good ole fashion wood shed whipping (I bet he didnt get very many growing up)
Reading all of these stories makes me even more grateful for my family and friends who are so loving and are trying hard to say the "right thing".
The first time my dentist saw me without my wig he said "you look 'butchy' today"! He is the only one who could say that to me though and get away with it, his sister died from breast cancer and his wife is a survivor. So I for sure knew he was joking with me. I dont seem to mind what people who have been through this say because I know they "get it".
I dont know about you all but with me, what makes me mad one day does not the next day and vice versa! My poor hubby stays sooo confused!
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Moodyk13
You are absolutely right a good beating would do him some good and yes he didn't get any growing up. But you still would not expect this from a man who is 30 yrs old. I haven't seen of heard of him in over 10 months. I can live without ever setting eyes on him again . I now only surround myself with good positive people, I have no time for losers.
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I had a lumpectomy and SNB one week after diagnosis. That first Saturday after surgery I was happy to go to my son's ball game. My MIL, who had not called or sent a card, greeted me there with "How are you feeling?" "I'm feeling pretty good!" I said pleasantly with a dutiful kiss. Her unsmiling response:"It gets worse."
I felt punched in the stomach. I shook until I called a friend to pray for me. My MIL said nothing positive the whole game. She quizzed me in a loud voice about where my stitches were exactly, and how many, and why didn't I count them. To answer her loud enough for her to hear, the other parents would have heard too! I evaded her questions, and thus she ended the game ranting at my husband and me.
I am happy to say however that her son, my beloved husband, is kind, loving, and faithful.
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I hate when people say, "it's just breast cancer. It's nothing these days. you don't die from breast cancer anymore."
I think the stupidest thing anyone ever said to me came from a patient in the office I work at. It was the one and only time that I wore a scarf on my bald head. He came to the front desk and saw me and stated to one of my fellow employees, "What is this? Is it Middle east day, here?"
I looked at him and said, ' No, I'm fighting cancer."
You should have seen his face.
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I have an old high school friend who heard about it from another friend. I had told my other friend that I didn't really want to talk about it with everyone anymore (It gets old and tiring reassuring everyone that I'll be OK).
Anyway, this old friend left a message on my cell phone, saying: "I heard you're not feeling well". I just rolled my eyes and thought to myself that I actually feel fine, I just a have CANCER. Pressed delete and haven't called her back yet. Sounds b-----y, but... Hey? Maybe I'll call later after I get done with chemo and my bilateral masectomy. Who knows?
s
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I teach and went back for the Fall semester two weeks after I finished radiation. A colleague asked
"Are you sure they got it all?"
Not much to say about that one.
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when my hair started to grow back after chemo, my dear husband said "YOU LOOK LIKE A DYKE". i was 32 years old at that time, and was very sensitive! make a long story short, once my hair was long enough i left him!!
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Ivy ....That's MIL's for you, thank goodness your dh didn't take after her lol.
Debbie I would have love to have seen this guys face...good for you for being blunt. This is a great example of "open month and insert foot" syndrome.
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My lovely onc referred me to the surgeons and went on his summer hols when I finished my first round of chemo. The surgeon called in another onc to give his decision about surgery for me, and it was a NO, in fact a NO, NEVER!! It will do more harm than good. He also felt the need to say to me 'You do know you're incurable don't you'.
(Didn't actually know they'd found a cure until then!!)
Charming man .....obviously!
Jessica x
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