Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
-
I had an employee of mine call me and ask "how long did they say you had?" Like I was dying for sure!
0 -
I am waiting on results. My husband is very worried and he's not very good with words. Saturday night we were at dinner and we were talking about how hard the wait was, and he said, without thinking, "This must be how people awaiting execution feel." He realized what he'd said the minute it left his mouth and he was so upset with himself he got tears in his eyes. (My husband does NOT cry.)
0 -
I chose not to tell too many people about the bc until I know all the info (from surgery and scans) and this includes my 70 year old father, who is not in the best of health, plus he lives out of state so I don't want him to worry. Yesterday my husband asked me if I told my father yet "because if something big happens to you, I don't want him to be surprised". HUH??
0 -
Hi Ladies - I really need some advice. When I was diagnosed 2 years ago my MIL was the negative person passing comments about me being bald and that I should not be seen in public. Anytime I had contact with her she would bring up all her family members who died of cancer. So you get the picture. I had successfully avoided her for 2 years by simply not attending her family gatherings.
Well now I have no choice as there is a Cousins reunion next weekend and my husband insists I attend. The family members attending have not seen each other maybe 35+ years!!! Yes, that is correct they are NOT a close family and some have not been on speaking terms for what ever reasons. I have never met any of these folks but have heard my MIL say very negative things about some of them - - which I of course do not believe considering the source.
However, how do I respond if she tells them I had breast cancer and proceeds to give details I do not want to share with total strangers? How do I get her to mind her own business and keep her big mouth shut? She will be the oldest person there and if I appear rude to her they may think I'm the person with the problem. I don't believe they really know what kind of person she is by not having no contact with her for 35+ years. They have no idea what she says about them when she received their Christmas cards in the past with enclosed photos. Needless to say she is not a very christian person IMO although she professes to be one.
I really do not need this stress and have been upset ever since I found out I have to attend. I am trying to control how I react as IMO I believe she is really trying to upset intentionally although my husband of course is deaf to her comments. He just sits there while she talks. Should I play deaf or what should I do? I really want to put an end to her negative comments to me. All advice is GREATLY appreciated!!!!
0 -
"Oh God,keep my tongue from evil and my lips from deceit.Help me be silent in the face of derision and humble in the presence of all"This is a little bit of a quote I ran across yesterday. I have a woman working for me who is trying her best to get fired and baits me with snotty remarks. I think she will be gone this week but in the meantime I'm going to use these 2 lines as my mantra so I don't explode and give her a good kick in the rumpGood luck at the reunion-I managed to avoid them for the last 2 years and I know my time will be upsoonHenny0
-
Henny - Can I say your quote while kicking her in the A$$?
0 -
The saving grace is that you don't know these people, so as soon as she starts, you can interrupt with, "now mom,(or whatever acceptable for public consumption name you call your MIL) Aunt, or Cousin or whatever Soandso doesn't want to hear those boring details" then turn to whomever she is speaking to and ask to help you understand about how they are related, "You're Uncle Soandso's son/daughter/inlaw" or about their children etc. anything to change the subject and focus to them.
Phrases like "she's unique" or "she's one of a kind", and "I can't even begin to describe it" may come in handy when you are asked questions about your MIL and your relationship. Practice them beforehand so you are prepared with things that you are comfortable saying and they sound natural coming from your lips.
You got through diagnosis and treatment and the last two years, you can get through this which will only last a few hours, or the weekend if it is a long event.
Being armed beforehand with a few stock answers to the questions you dread most will help you through, the family will think you are far more wonderful than MIL says, and then DH will owe you big time...
0 -
PennyOne... PatMom has some excellent suggestions. I'm also wondering if you or your DH could talk to your MIL ahead of time, and explain that you prefer not to share your BC dx with everyone, and ask her not to discuss it. Tell her that your medical dx is something you do want to share with people you don't know that well, and you hope she will respect your privacy and allow you to be the one and the only one to decide who gets to know what. I'd go so far as asking for a commitment from her... something like, "Can I count on you to respect my feelings and not discuss my bc?" If her feelings are a bit hurt, so be it. At least you've shared your true feelings up front, and perhaps she'll surprise you and honor them. If you catch her saying something you don't like, that would also give you the additional line, "Now, Mom (or whatever you call her), I thought we agreed that we wouldn't talk about my health this weekend." I think it's also enough to tell those who ask, "I'm doing great. My doctors assure me they can cure me." This should take away a lot of their natural curiosity about your prognosis.
Just my two-cents worth.... Deanna
I wanted to add another quick thought... If the situation upsets you enough to be worrying about it in advance, I really think you need to voice those feelings to your DH & your MIL. You need to put yourself -- your health, your peace of mind -- first.
Dx 2/1/2008, 1cm, Stage IIa, Grade 2, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-0 -
Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately I did not have a good relationship with my MIL prior to my diagnosis. My husband would never say anything to her and frankly it was my fear in the past that he would side with her. This is the reason why I've avoided her so I would not be rude and cause problems between myself and my husband. She has tried in the past to damage our marriage and I will not give her the satisfaction nor him the stress of having to choose between us.
If she says something I may simply tell her point blank that my personal information at this dinner is inconsiderate and I will not discuss it. If she needs to discuss breast cancer I hope she talks about her own experience last year as stage 1. Problem is she keeps trying to compare herself to me where she tells me I far worse than her as stage 2. I just hope she doesn't upset me so much that I get up and leave. I intend to arrive in a separate vehicle just so I don't have to spend 2 hours driving with her when my husband goes to pick her up.
0 -
cp418, I really don't know how to handle situations like the one you're facing. I'm fortunate to have a MIL who is the most wonderful, kind-hearted, supportive "parent" you could imagine.
You might be on to something, though, with a two-fold approach: 1) Tell your MIL ahead of time that you don't want your personal medical history discussed, or even disclosed, at the reunion. As Deanna suggested, you could corner her by saying, "Now, you'll respect my wishes on this, right?". She may or may not agree to what you've asked, but at least you've made your wishes public.
Then, 2) when she starts telling someone about your medical history, you can unashamedly walk up to her and say, "Now, Mom (or whatever), you know I'd rather not have people talking about my medical situation at the reunion today." That puts her on the spot, because she knows what you asked earlier and she knows she is violating your request. It also puts the other person on the spot (the person to whom she is disclosing your information)--that person now knows it is a private topic you do not want discussed. He/she ought to feel obligated to back out of the conversation, if your MIL continues it.
Wow. Good luck on this one!
otter
0 -
Hi
I had an appointment with a liver consultant, who told me there was nothing he could do for my liver mets due to their placement, he shook my hand and told me "gosh you are unlucky arent you, dont get run over by a bus on the way out" Unbelievable, I was dazed for about and hour before I got mad!
Another one was the plastic surgeon who was going to do my recon who flopped my only boob around telling me it "should be sitting here, not all the way down there" then patted my stomach and told me "your carrying a bit of extra weight you'll have to lose at least 60lb before I'll consider doing it" this was 3 weeks after mastectomy!
Needless to say I never went back to the plastic surgeon a total asshole.
I also have a "friend" who keeps saying Im like you Ive got spots on my liver from all the medication I take...........No she hasnt got cancer shes got thyroid problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And obviously doesnt listen when she asks how I am!
Am sure if I sat and thought Id have loads more!
Sue
0 -
Suecco, your story about the plastic surgeon reminds me of the plastic surgeon who assisted my surgeon when I had a bilateral mastectomy. In my initial appointment with her, made at the request of my surgeon so I could make an informed decision about reconstruction, she told me I would need a breast reduction if I wasn't having a mastectomy. I was quite angry and told that I had never considered a reduction as there was no need other than to satisfy her sense of aesthetics. She also made it quite clear that she thought I should have reconstruction, despite my reservations about doing so.
I decided against reconstruction and my surgeon asked her to assist with planning the incisions. I went along with this only after I talked with my surgeon about her - he promised to watch her 'like a hawk'. I didn't want any extra skin left, in case I 'changed my mind' reconstruction. I feel like that goal was met.
0 -
cp418, I empathize with you.
That phrase, "she has tried in the past to damage our marriage..." jumped out at me. The worst thing someone has said to me was from my MIL; after which I ordered the book "Toxic Parents" from Amazon.com. That book opened my eyes to the fact that it's not my personality or characteristics that my MIL doesn't like; it's simply that I'm her son's wife. I had previously thought she just envied me because I have a lasting happy marriage, while she had 2 brief marriages long ago that ended in divorce. But now I understand that whoever her daughter-in-law is, my MIL wouldn't like her; because, as the book says: "A child's marriage can be extremely threatening to controlling parents. They see the new spouse as a competitor for their child's devotion. This leads to horrendous battles between parents and spouse, with the adult child caught in a crossfire of divided loyalties. Some parents will attack the new relationship with criticism, sarcasm. and predictions of failure....And still others will directly persecute the new partner. It is not unusual for these tactics to create such upheaval that the marriage is undermined." (p. 53, Toxic Parents)
This truth was very helpful to me, so that I can stop feeling personally rejected. I hope it helps you too. Have you gone to that reunion yet? God bless you!
0 -
Okay, now mine. I called my sister, (my only sibling) and told her I had breast cancer, limply waiting for the reassuring, kind words (she is an active Christian and helps EVERYBODY from illegal aliens, to pregnant single women, well, she said, "That's what you get for having all those mammograms!".. I was speechless. It was so bad, it was funny.
She didn't call me again for weeks.
Hmmm, maybe I am being paid back for something?
Gentle hugs, Shirlann
0 -
Shirlann,
The things you have tought and experienced touch my heart.
When I was initially diagnosed five years ago a friend told me to make a list of the 20 things that I wanted to do before I die. So I rudely tol her that I wanted to go to a George Harrison concert.
Now I try to keep things inside and pray for hope and mercy for other people, there are so many needing it. I've lived five years, God is very good.
Take care, Stormy1
0 -
Shirlann
That is terrible!! My goodness - you'd think that you should be able to turn to your sister for comfort and reassurance - I can imagine how much that hurt. That was one of my hardest calls - to my only sister. I ended up having to comfort her - but at least she didn't say anything hurtful or insensitive. I hope things got better ~
Amy
0 -
shirlann...sounds like my sister. She thinks mamos cause the bc. She refusses to have one. Our mother passed away from bc, I have bc and have mentioned that she might want to get one because of the family history but she just gets upset so I leave it alone now. She lives 10 min. from me and did'nt help at all after mastectomy. Boy' were my kids ticked at her! She also helps with people at church having a hard time, but I guess I wasnt in that category
I still love her but fell like booting her in the back side sometimes
.....Janet0 -
Shirlann and auroravtj
Those are some nice sisters....I have 4 sisters and only 2 of them care and stood by me. One never bothered to call me and the other called me once to tell me that I got cancer because of the cleaning products I use....and that she was going to come over and throw them all out. I told her thanks but no thanks....the only cleaning products I use is soap and water and if that was the case then every household in North America would have bc. So I think you need to have at least more than one sister one to support you and one to be an idiot.
0 -
My best friend (male) and I were talking about getting colds every year. He always seem to catch colds all the time. So I mentioned to him that I NEVER catch colds to which he replied, "no you just catch cancer".
0 -
He also said I like being "fondled"...because he says that I am always in the doctor's office getting examined. Needless to say, I was livid at that statement. He feels that everytime HE talks to me that I am always in the doctor office for something...and that I like it. I am 3 years out and yes it does seem like I am always seeing the doctor (surgeon, oncologist, radiation oncologist), routine family doctor, but I don't just make up this stuff. I am just starting to see my medical oncologist every 6 months instead of every 2 months now. The radiation oncologist once a year and my surgeon every 6 months. They are very viligent about staying on top of my care and I appreciate that. I guess it does seem much, getting mammograms every 6 months, then MRI, bone scans, tumor markers, etc.
0 -
I told one of my friends that I had cancer and she chirped that "lots of people are living with cancer all the way up until they die"! "It's really not that bad anymore, she said. "It's like having a hang nail."
What can I say, she lives in a pink cotton candy world. God love her.
0 -
Ok, I have to share what my boss said when I told "him" that I had breast cancer. The first thing he said was..."are you going to loose your hair?" and then he said that he is going to start collecting hats for me.......
0 -
at least he's trying?
0 -
Yes he was trying. But it didn't make me feel any better at that time. I have only been recently diagnosed and I still find myself starting to cry at the simplest little thing so this was something I was not ready for. Yes, it bothered me and I didn't know what to say.
I have only known I have bc for one week. I don't know yet how to handle or deal with things like others who have and have been through all this.
0 -
Joy4
You're doing great. At one week I was crying all the time too. I had exactly what you have IDC, <1cm etc. My lumpectomy was June 30, done with rads in Oct 08 and life is SLOWLY getting back to normal. You came to the right place for support and to just bitch and cry! Look through all the different threads above and you will find many that will interest and support you.
Hang in there and best of luck with all your decisions and appointments.
0 -
Oh Joy- I am so sorry you are going thru this. When you don't know what to do or what to say or just need a hug or two....come here. You will find so much support here even when you don't quite know what you need! These ladies have been so kind and helpful to me over the past 1 1/2 yrs...its amazing.
As you go thru the next steps just remember to breathe, ask lots of questions (until you understand the answer). It does get better (I promise the knot in your stomach will go away) but it takes time, be gentle and kind with yourself and give your self time.
Know that hugs and prayers are there from all who love you, know that you are loved.
0 -
Hi Joy, gentle hugs to you and us all. I'm sure we all remember the shock and terror of the first months. It seemed to me that every one I saw said something apalling (including the docs!).
Three years out and here I am, still hurt by the insensitivities of people. My sister, who I thought had said and done it all, now e-mailed me to say get over it, her menopause symptoms were and have been way worse than what I am going through. I had my hair back didn't I? She is sure I'm being treated by a bunch of quacks because Sheryl Crowe didn't go through this! It just makes me very sad that I don't have support from her. It also makes me realize that alot of people just don't get it and never will (unless they get it!)
HB
0 -
Yeah , my hubby is one of those get over it ppl......sometimes......Recently i had someone say to me I thought you were all well....well yes and no...fatigue never goes away ya know.....I am almost two yrs out and I still hear stupid remarks......I sure hope I wasn't one of those ppl back before bc.......maybe i was and this is just payback?......lol......Good luck all...Hugs! Lucy
0 -
Hi Pennyone, I happened to see your post and boy I will never forget the Dumbest thing someone said to me....
"Well you know, we are all gonna die some day...Who knows I could walk out into the street tommorrow and get hit by a bus and die"
The funny thing is, the guy who said this to me was........yup, A BUS DRIVER!!
I got so tired of hearing this same line that I came up with an answer for him...
my relpy- GRASPING MY HEART...OMG, you mean I have to worry about getting cancer again, and getting run over by a bus!!.....the look on his face,.....priceless!
sometimes you gotta give it right back..
Wishing you all the best,
hugs,
Patti
0 -
I was going home after having my first mastectomy and a nurse (who was very nice actually) asked me how I was feeling.
I said"still pretty devastated'..or something like that....
She said..."oh you'll be ok...I've often thought about it and it wouldn't worry me at all if I had to loose a breast."......hello????...not even a little bit??
I think she was trying to be reassuring...............
jezza
0
