Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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some people have no clue whatsoever..my sister told me I was going to die
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SoCalLisa, I can SURE RELATE to your post about what your sister said to you...it REMINDED me of what my step-daughter said to me.
She lives up in Northern Ca and calls me one day to say hi...and while we are talking she just blurts out "Chelee, it just sucks that your going to die"!
That really hurt my feelings...I told her I had NO intentions of dying and I plan on being around...blah, blah, blah. She eventurally says in a low tone "well that's good that you think that way".
It's bad enough the comments I've gotten from strangers and others...but family I expect more...dumb me.
Chelee
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I agree chelee..coming from family makes it so much harder..
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I agree SoCal, we should be able to count on our family, specially our hubbies or siblings. The reactions I have gotten from my DH and son, who's also been fighting cancer, have been so hurtful.
However I think of that saying:
We are born into a family (stuck with them) but we choose our friends. My best friend's comments hurt me more than my family's. She's been my best friend for 40 years, 17 years longer than I have known my dh. We have always been there for each other. WHen my daughter died, she didnt leave my side, same with my mom's death. Ditto with me, when her hubby died.
Why, can't she "try" to understand what I am gong thru? I've had more biospies since my BC. In January, another lump in the same area of the original - B9, and 3 more about 2 weeks ago also, thank God, B9. I'd sure like to have her shoulder to lean or cry on but when she asks how I am, I say, OK or still alive.
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When I was first diagnosed my mother in law made some insensitive comment about how she can't bear to think of my young kids (ages 4 and 7), and then she went on a six week cruise. When she came home she said she didn't enjoy it at all (read between the lines, because of me). I mean, you don't want people to not care at all, but really, that is a lot of guilt. I was the one with the diagnosis and I think I would have had fun on the cruise. I guess I just have to realize that she is not a very happy person, and if she wants to focus on the negative, thats her problem.
Rinna
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Some people like to make our trauma their trauma. Go figure!
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Barbe1958, You have that one RIGHT! When I was going through my surgeries, labs, scans, endless doctor's appt & chemo...my entire breast cancer nightmare turned out to be all about EVEYRONE else...NOT me! It was just un-believeable!
I could say alot about this but I'll spare you all. lol
Chelee
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Don't want to have to admit this one but last nite my DH and I were talking about the school holidays and how my car was going in to get fixed because when I was in hospital with my bilateral mastectomy his mother came and looked after our girls and had a small accident in my car. Anyway I was explaining that I will need to have his car for at least one day next week and he said. "Well if you hadn't have got sick my mother wouldn't have had the accident........"
...so how do you try and forget comments like that ....
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You many forgive...but you'll never forget!
((((((((( Helena ))))))))
++++++++ idiot DH ++++++
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I can't believe that I am actually writing this down...yesterday, my 23 year old step-daughter and I got into an argument. Long story short, her husband left her 3+ months ago, her fault, and their 2 1/2 year old son. She lives on our property and has a "poor me" attitude. LOTS of issues with her, and my husband has tried over the years to make up for her being a child of divorce. My husband and I got married in October of 2007 and I moved up her last December. Problems from day 1.
The highlight of the argument was her yelling at me, "No wonder you got cancer, twice. Too bad you didn't die." Needless to say, I flipped out. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday to learn ways to deal with all this. I didn't move up here to live in stress and die from it. My husband is stunned by what she said and can't apologize enough. StepD took off yesterday so this won't be resolved soon. I need to gather my strength and move forward...
Linda
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Worst thing said to me was from a fellow sufferer. She said to me in front of her husband and my friends that "you'll go before me won't you, given that you have mets to the lungs" How's that for support from the sisterhood.?
Maggie
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I'm stunned at the awful things people say and my heart breaks for every stupid, insensitive, mean, thoughtless, whatever! remark.
I won't get into my rant about my insensitive, thoughtless, cruel younger brother. Suffice to say, I guess we've all heard things that hurt from people we never expected to hear it from.
rinna40, please, please, please, tell your MIL I'll take her next cruise for her so she doesn't have to suffer so!
I haven't had ANY kind of break from caregiving for over a year now -- I haven't even been out of the county for an afternoon! I love my mom, but.... I need a freakin' vacation! Take me away!!!!!Hey, how about a cancer cruise? They have all kinds of cruises for all kinds of groups of people -- I think WE need our own! What do you say?
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One of the experiences I find to be intrusive and insensitive is when a stranger will ask me to give details about my cancer/treatment regimen/history/you-name-it, simply because I have worn a scarf around my obviously bald head in public. YIKES! I am willing to share my story in ways that will help others, in an "appropriate" situation (and I am generally flexible about that), but I hate it when I seem to be the object of morbid curiosity or just plain rudeness. Linda and Maggie, I certainly hate it that you have been the target of such comments, and I can only imagine my reaction. And it amazes me, Maggie, that the comment you mentioned came from someone who also has cancer. Double YIKES! Linda, I'm glad your husband is supportive and I hope that your appointment with a therapist will help you to find ways to cope with this stressful situation.
(PS Anybody heard that Tom Petty song that says, "It takes rhino skin...."?)0 -
I don't understand why cancer, like pregnancy, seems to be in the public domain....it is no ones business whats going on, unless it is our choice. I wonder if we can ask about some ones colonoscopy? or rectal exam, or how the visit to the proctologist went and ask questions in great details. What about that hair cut or dye job--what happened? can we ask that?
Unfortunately they walk among us....sigh
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Oh My Gosh EWB that reminds me of the time my boss brought color pictures of her DH colonoscopy and proceeded to show everyone during our lunch break. I nearly chocked to death when one of the guys held up his hand and said "Enough!!!! I don't think it's in our job description to have to look at pictures of your Husbands A$$."
Sometimes people just ask to many questions and other times people give to much information.
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oh my
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I agree that one of the things that drive me crazy is that everyone thinks my cancer is their business. I had only told a handful of friends when one of the PTA moms at my kids' school found out and text-messaged everyone she knows that I had cancer.
Some of these people I hardly know, but they will come up to me at the neighborhood pool, at the grocery store, etc. and ask questions about my cancer. "how are you doing" would be fine, but, for example, one of them, who I am not friends with in at all, came up to me in the middle of my son's scout meeting last night in front of some other parents who really had no business knowing about or discussing my cancer. (I'm not having chemo, so loss hair won't be an issue) She says "So, how are htings going?" Me: "Just fine." Her: So what are the doctors saying? Me: <blank stare> Her: Looks like they didn't have to take alot out. Me: WHAT??? Her: I know someone who had to have her whole boob cut off. Yours looks fine I heard you had surgery last week. Me: Where did you hear that? Her: So are you in treatment or anything? Me: <starts talking to someone else while ignoring at least 5 more invasive questions.> Seriously. I'm so freaking sick of this. Same group of people is also interrogating my friends. I have one friend who acts like she doesn't even know I have cancer. 
and another who tells them it's none of their business and if I wanted them to know I'd tell them. 
Neither approach seems to work. I'm just dreading the start of school in a few weeks b/c I'll be seeing these people more regularly at school activities. I dropped off the PTA and all other volunteer stuff I do at the school, but I'm sure to run into these people more often. 0 -
Anxiousmama, who don't you try this for the intrusive questions, "I'm not going to answer that".
Gets you point across and makes it REALLY hard for anyone but someone with the skin of a rhinocerous to ask anything else.
My 15 year old DD told me that someone asked her, "How is your mother? Is she keeping anything down?" Now, even though we speak English at home, Hebrew is still her primary language, so she's not up on English idioms. So she said, "Down where?"
Leah
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<L> @ your daughter, Leah. Thanks, I'll try that. People are crazy.
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WOW, anxiousmama. People are so rude.
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My beef isn't what someone said, but what hasn't been said.
My boyfriend comes from a family of extremely underweight people. Think Calista Flockheart after fasting for a month. My weight is on the upper end of my BMI "normal" zone, plus I'm very muscular from years of athletics. Anywho, during chemo I lost about 15 lbs. I didn't look good. My clothing hung like drapes on me. But every time his family saw me, they fell over themselves saying how beautiful and thin I looked. Now that I've gained back 10 lbs, the compliments have stopped. I'm also getting really sick of his mom asking to see my hair (I've worn a wig throughout). It makes me feel like I'm in a freak show.
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Hi Ladies,
I've never been on this thread before but decided to just check it out today. WOW, some of your stories are unbelievable. You have to wonder what goes on in their heads. I wanted to share something that my mom said to me, keep in mind that my mom is 78 yrs and my dad is 82 yrs., also I am an only child. My dad has a lot of health issues, Parkinson's disease which affects his mobility and just before I was diagnosed he broke his hip, although he has battled back greatly to be able to get around fairly well. His more debilitating issue is Pulmonary Fibrosis which affects his lungs and requires him to be on oxygen a lot of the time especially to be mobile. My parents were getting ready to leave my house one day while I was in the middle of chemo and my dad had gone to the bathroom, my mom sits down next to me on the sofa and says "Boy at our age never did I think I would be dealing with these issues with you dad". I couldn't believe it and I responded back that never at my age (44) did I THINK I WOULD BE DEALING WITH THIS, and I'd just like to live to be 78 or 82. My mom is notorious for making insensitive comments but I think that this one might have been the topper.
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My husband of 26 good years,now ex[my choice] "Lets talk about quality of life,you can have a good life of the time you have left and not take any treatments that are terrible to have. "
If I would have listen I would be dead, not doing great many years later.Now I know he had a married girlfriend.
I
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Dawn, do we have the same mother?
Mine's 89, dx with ovarian cancer at 86 -- if she dropped dead that day (not suggesting! just saying!) she would have had a long life. And yet she compares her longevity with mine, although I was dx nearly 30 years younger. I think she just can't grasp a lot of things mentally any more so I can forgive that part, but this isn't new behavior for her, either, and when I say, well, if you die 5 years after your dx you'll be 91... if I die 5 years after mine (although certainly NOT my plan or prognosis!), I'll be 62. Then she seems to get it. But most of the time everything is about her and her world, and compassion for my situation just doesn't get through. She loves to brag about how she's 90 to everyone but then she complains about wanting to do what she did 20 years ago. She still thinks she can go back to when she's 70 if she just lives long enough. I haven't figured out a way to nicely say it doesn't work that way. I finally suggested that maybe giving up some things was kind of like dues you paid for getting to live longer than most people, but part of me wanted to say, quit complaining! You're alive! You enjoy your live, even with limitations! SHUT UP! The kind compassionate part of me (yes, there is one)
saves that for private moments and sharing with my BF (I swear she and I DO have the same mother!) but it's hard at times to remember mom's doing the best she can. My standard answer for people asking me questions when they have no business: excuse me? If they repeat, I ask it again. Eventually most people get it but sometimes I want to yell at them, are you RUDE, STUPID, or just THOUGHTLESS enough to think that's any of your business? If I really have presence of mind (why do they always catch me off guard?), I might say, "And why would you ask such a personal question?" but I've only come up with that once. It did work, at least that time. I keep telling myself people don't mean to be clods but I swear, there are too many idiots out there!
And I just have to laugh at people (shopkeepers, whoever) who clearly don't know me at all and suddenly launch into stories about their best friend's uncle's first wife's daughter who had cancer. Huh? Does that make me and the shop clerk soul mates?
And if you don't know me, DON'T rub my head! What am I, a good luck charm? Ish!Rant over!
PS, Dawn, saw your movie titles, I have the "Without" one and will get the other before the weekend... maybe I should rent a few other feel-good movies while I'm at it. Christmas in July, hey, the retail stores do it!
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smithlme......YIKES!.....I cannot believe how rude andinsensitive your husband's daughter is!......Now that she is gone let her stay gone!......Sheesh!.....Your husand should not be apologising to you SHE should be...........Is her mother still alive or is she totally out of the picture?.......Maybe (and this is a BIG maybe and I might be stretching it a bit) she is very jealous that her dad loves you and not her mom.....This doesn't excuse her extremely rude behavior...Not by a long shot ......But it was just a thought........Gentle hugs to you smithlme........She sound extremely self centered to me......
I still get the usual "well they got it all, didn't they?......so why are you still worried".....Well, DUH!...No I DON"T know if they got it all...They didn't go over my whole body with a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass so I won't know if they got it all unless or until I have a recurrence........Lord forgive me if I ever said such stupid things to a cancer patient!........
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About nosy people you hardly know asking personal questions:
Years ago I had a boss who (inside his head) counted to 10 before answering a question. It was his method of maintaining control and I can tell you it worked! To paraphrase "Silence abhors a vacuum" -- and it made the questioner feel as though maybe the question should never have been asked, or else the questioner would say something else, just to fill the silence (something stupid, usually!!!).
So try it and see if it works to stop all those silly/stupid questions those people have no right to ask in the first place. (BTW, I use it with my least favourite SIL -- especially effective on the phone
)Hugs to you all, Linda
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People don't realize what they are saying obviously. That's the problem! They don't think before they speak. I was talking to one of my co-workers yesterday who called to see how I was doing, which was very thoughtful. Throughout the conversation, she asked me questions like "Did you loose hair all over your body", "So now that you breast is gone, what's there now" "Do you get depressed when you look in the mirror", "How fast is your hair coming back" and the best one yet was "DOES YOUR HUSBAND STILL FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE - IF HE DOES, THEN HOW". I didn't know what to say! I was dumbfounded!! I had to very politely excuse myself from the conversation and hang up the phone. I wasn't depressed before I started talking to her but let me tell ya, I was once I hung up the phone!
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ewb: I'm with you, don't understand why some thinkg that this is in the public domain.
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I am dropping in just to say all these friends, family members, neighbors etc......... They are afraid for their own mortality and they believe hurtful or stupid they have to say something because they feel so uncomfortable with themselves.
I honestly believe They are more scare than we are. For some they think " If I don't talk about it it will never happen to me".
The conversation that upsets me the most people saying " Don't even think about it" or "Everything is behind you". I am a private person if i am saying something like " I have my 4 months check up" I don't want my fear to be dismissed like if am this hysterical person.
I didn't have a computer until this year, My daughters wanted to bring me to 21st Century, and that was the best thing ever happened to me.
Thank you everybody for listening, reading all your posts made me feel so much better knowing that i am not alone and i never was.
Oh I forgot another one Why I am not buying a wig because i choose to use colorful scarves.
"when are you going to get rid off the scarves, after all you have enough hair now and you look ridiculous with those things on your head" God bless my daughter 1 day she couldn't handle it
and very politely she said " when my mother is ready that's when".
I am done writing.
Best wishes to everybody
Sheila 0 -
Lindasa.........great advice!!!!!
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